Remember Your First Heart-Felt “F*ck You!”?

Not all memories of your past are good ones.  Sure, there are some.  The first time you got laid, the first time you ate popcorn and potato chips at the same time, even your first solo in the shower.  But it’s those bad memories that stick out like sore thumbs.  For example – the first time you got laid, the first person to ever break your heart or your first solo OUT of the shower.  Though many people sit and reminisce on the days of yesteryear, you, along with about a kabillion other people sit and reminisce on that one person who led you on, only to step on your heart like a roach invading a home in the projects. 

Granted, you may find yourself asking yourself the question, “What the hell was I thinking?” at times, but those memories aren’t all a bag of crap – at least they shouldn’t be.  You’d be insensitive or inhuman if they were.  Maybe even a moron for dealing with such harshness of a shattered love, at least in the concept of what you thought love should be.  In some ways, you kind of owe your “first” a word of thanks.  Not in the sense of thanking them with a bouquet of roses, unless those roses are dead and wilted.  But thanking them for allowing you the opportunity to learn that you are so much better a person without them.  After all, how would you know how to deal with a broken heart if it wasn’t for that person, who lied to you, cheated on you and made you more of a less-wanted option as opposed to a can’t-do-without necessity?  Just think, there’s so many other reasons you can give thanks to that individual who never really gave a sh*t about you in private, only in public when it really mattered, when their set of friends looked on to your scripted relationship with envy.  You should stand proudly and hold your head up high as you thank the motherf*cker for:  

  • ruining someone else’s false hopes of living and loving happily ever after,
  • assisting you in losing weight after all those lonely nights of warm tears and loss of appetite, 
  • for no longer making you feel like an unwanted fool for forgetting special days like your birthday, Christmas and Valentine’s Day,
  • for no longer using you as a guinea pig for a love affair they prayed to have sans YOU,
  • for blaming you for a mistake they made, and
  • last but not least, for teaching you how to say and mean the most profound words of our country’s history, “F*ck you!”

You’d be just as much of a liar as they were if you admitted out loud that you no longer harbored any positive or negative thoughts to the tainted past. No one ever moves on completely…not when their “first” is concerned.  It’s just easier to hold on to all the profane thoughts of a “plastic” relationship than it is to admit you were a fool for love at all.  The truth is you’re going to be a fool for love many times over, even if you’re lucky enough to find your soul mate. 

Finding that one true love isn’t a matter of effort, it’s a matter of two things: (1) time and (2) patience.  Two things most people believe they don’t have a lot of.    


Quote of the week:    “The stupidest mistake in life is thinking the one who hurt you the most, won’t hurt you again.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 21-27, 2010

So what you got dumped for someone younger, smarter and way hotter?  If you’dve only come to Hottywood first, I could’ve taught you how to pretend to be better than you are and warned you to stay away from that last chocolate chip cookie.  Never fear, there’s always something better than what you thought was the best! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.



December 22 – January 19 

The only worst thing that could happen to you is if you’re sold on the black market and fondled by filth.  It’s going to be a rough week. 



January 20 – February 18

Lying about your age will only work if you have four legs and tail…or if you look like you should have four legs and a tail. 



February 19 – March 20   

That scratching you keep hearing at the door is only your skeletons falling out of the closet. 



March 21 – April 19 

It’s not okay to have to wear a bra for the humps on your back. 



April 20 – May 20 

Indulge your inner weirdo this week, no matter who is watching.  In other words — just be yourself! 



May 21 – June 20 

Pushing your stomach in a wheel barrel is not considered exercise, you fat ass.



June 21 – July 22 

There is no fear in love.  The fear comes when your ass is about to get dumped. 



July 23 – August 22 

The one thing you’ll be recognized for the most at work will be not showing up at all.   



August 23 – September 22 

The echo you keep hearing in your head is just proof that not all elevators go to the top floor.  ___________________________________________________________


September 23 – October 22 

There’s one thing you have in common with a public service station restroom — the smell



October 23 – November 21 

Let people not like you for who you are instead of who you pretend to be. 



November 22 – December 21   

You won’t host any pity parties this week, but you may be the guest of honor at a few of them.  Don’t worry.  Being lonely is the new “bunned up.” 


Quote of the Week:    “Not all kool-aid stains are washed in the same detergent.”


Dear Hater,

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a chance to say thank you.  I would like to thank you for hating on me as much as you do.  You see, by hating me, you are helping me to the better person you aren’t willing to give me credit for. 

Ordinarily I would tell you to drive your car over a cliff, however I see your life is already doomed because you have nothing better to do with yourself than to find reasons to judge my personal success.  I’ve extended my hand to help you get a little self esteem and instead of taking my help, you damned it, leaving yourself in the same sh*t creek you were in when I first met you. 

Life is good for me.  It’s better now that I am away from you.  Yet you are trying your best to make yourself a part of my life.  For your information, I have enough crap pouring out of my ass after I eat a hefty combo of tacos and pickles.  I don’t need you to stink things up any more. 

If it wasn’t for your strong desire to hold me back, I would be a no good loser just like you.  I would have no friends, just like you.  I wouldn’t be able to keep a relationship, just like you.  I’d probably be sitting in a corner pointing my gossiping finger at everyone who’s so much better than me…just like you. 

car-covered-with-bird-crapAlas I have prayed for peace and tranquility.  I also purchased a flock of trained circus pigeons to unload steaming bird droppings on your car each time you wash it.  I’ve changed my telephone number and placed a herd of wild llamas on my front porch to attack at the smell of your presence. 

I have found my place in life.  I am happy and rich in more ways than money.  And it is all because of you  – my inspiration; my muse; my personal crap bag.  My hater!

                                                                       Love always,




I’m sure you won’t be a hater  for all of your days…well, I’m not totally sure, but I do at least hope that your existence amounts to something more worthwhile.  Just remember that the change begins with YOU90% of any effort is getting started. 


Quote of the week:    “Haters only hate the things that they can’t get and the people they can’t be.”

How To Move on From a Relationship: A Lesson for the Loser Who Keeps Getting Dumped & Won’t Let Go

broken-heart-2Many who have been in a relationship know that the hardest part is overcoming the break-up.  However, the real newsflash is that your ass just won’t let go.  Therein lays your problem. 

Dealing with a break-up isn’t that difficult if you know the two basic rules of “getting over” it.  (1) Letting go and (2) Moving on.  When you are hung up on a relationship, you automatically sabotage any chance of new love.  The best kind of love is a new one.  You have to let go of the old so you can welcome the new.  

I know it’s hard.  You’ve had to endure a lot of ‘almosts’ in your love life and you want to know why you’re having such bad luck in love.  The answer is simple.  You have dependency issues.   For some odd reason you can’t seem to cut it as a person with your own purpose to exist, so you must latch on to someone else.  Well I’m going to help you out.  We’re going to talk about the two basic rules of “getting over it”, so you can get on with your life and stop being a nuisance to anyone else. 

As an abstract concept, getting over a broken relationship usually refers to a deep transgression of a failed attempt of caring for another person – most common in intimate relationships.   This limited conception encompasses a wealth of different feelings, from regretted post sexual intimacy to just plain crazy. 

Pay close attention.  Eventually you’ll be lucky enough to get yourself hitched.  In the meantime, if you know the two basic rules of getting over being dumped, you can save yourself a lot of misery and Kleenex.    It’s simple.  Follow along:

Step #1 – LET GO

letgoThe first and most important part of getting over being dumped is to keep busy and let go.  Lock yourself in a room and duct tape your eyes open long enough to preview the entire ‘Fact of Life’ series.  I don’t know exactly what this will achieve, but it’s sure as hell going to keep you from bugging the sh*t out of anyone.  Your ex doesn’t want to hear from you and your friends smelled your break-up coming a mile away.   Face it, you’re a loser.  It’s in your DNA. 

Take up a hobby.  Go bungee jumping.   Whatever you do spend all of your quality time discovering what it’s like to get on your own nerves.  You’ll be so consumed with learning that you annoy the hell out of yourself that it will become increasingly difficult to get on the nerves of others.  The point here is that you can’t overcome a break-up if you continue to deny that something is wrong with you.  By the time you’ve realized how crazy you are, you will have forgotten all about whatshisname

Step #2 – MOVE ON

MoveonAfter you’ve dealt with the fact that you’ve been dumped, it’s time to move on.  It’s the common phrase in every bad ending relationship.  “Move on you jerk!”

I know everyone says moving on too quickly is not a good idea, but no one says you have to get into a serious relationship right away.  That’s what got you into this mess to begin with.  Stop being so clingy and needy, you wuss. 

Seeing new people will keep your ex off your mind, and it’ll do your ex an even bigger favor (because they want you off their back).  Chances are they’ve told you to take a hike, kick rocks, play in traffic or pull your own tongue out so you can never speak to them again. 

Don’t get angry or be hurt by the rejection.  You should be used to it by now.  It’s probably not the last time you’ll be dumped.  At least you’ll be prepared for the next rejection if you’re lucky enough to get into another relationship. 


Before I let you go, I’m going to give you a word of advice. 

steps-breakingupIf you’re still single or have been dumped from every relationship you’ve ever been involved with, then your ass is in trouble.  Otherwise, take a look at the list below for tips on assessing if your relationship is taking a nose dive.  These tips will save you a lot of time in collecting a bunch of rocks to put in your pockets before you decide to jump in the nearest river. 

Signs Your Relationship is on the Rocks:

  • Lack of Respect.  Your partner realizes he/she can do better.  Bow out with an ounce of dignity. 
  • A One-Way Relationship.  If you’re putting your all into your relationship and your partner isn’t, chances are they’re totally bored with you and are exploring other options…or hiring a Hitman.  In any case, run!
  • Ignored Phone Calls.  There are a couple of reasons why your mate is not returning your calls.  The sound of your voice is annoying and your address book entry has been changed from your government name to “DO NOT ANSWER THIS DAMN PHONE.” They’ve found something or someone else better to do with their time. Or, they just don’t want to talk to you.  A word to the wise: calling someone excessively is not going to make them answer the phone. 
  • Pleasant Company Excluded.  If it’s more of a relief to be apart than together, take a damn hint.
  • The sex has stopped.  Uh oh.  You’re in trouble.  You have been reduced to a friend or associate.  You are no longer “get it” material.  Buy a lot of porn. 

Trust me, the list goes on.  But if you haven’t gotten the point by now, then you are doomed to your dependency issues for the rest of your days.  Good luck, kiddo.  I want you to take these helpful hints and go get yourself a little self-esteem.  Life is hard but doable. 

All jokes aside.  Take a little time to get to know yourself.  Find out what makes your inner jack ass tick.  The more you know about yourself, the less your chances are of being a fool for love. 

Until next time my little barbarian fallopian sacks! Remember – 90% of any effort is getting started. 


Quote of the week:     “The more you know about yourself, the less your chances are of being a fool for love.” 

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Ass-Whooping: A Brain Deficiency Defined

leave me alone 2So you’re ex won’t take “No” for an answer, eh?  Someone owes you money and they aren’t grasping the concept of “Leave me alone before I body-slam your ass!”  And now you’re searching for an understanding of why your message isn’t getting across.   Well search no more.  Have I got the answer for you!   

It’s common.  We’ve all gone through it.  If you haven’t, you will.  You’ve told your ex to take a hike and they just don’t seem to let go.  What do you do? 

Let’s begin by naming the problem for what it really is.  Researchers have discovered that the point just before a person gets his or her ass whooped does in fact have a medical term.   Selective Lingual Comprehension.  I know…I know…you’ve probably never heard of this before.  Doctors are still researching the term and its cause.  But I have experienced its effect.  And though there is no known cure for this disease, I can help you identify it and steer you from a poor innocent soul who has been stricken with such a case.

What is Selective Lingual Comprehension?

memory loss 1Selective Lingual Comprehension (SLC), most commonly found in Americans or those who have been living in the states for a number of years, is a disturbance in the memory of stored information of variable durations and causes a victim to forget basic meaning of words and phrases.  It is a rare side effect of a person who loses certain parts of his/her memory after being abruptly evicted from a house (usually after a one-night stand or a bad lay) or a owes a financial debt.  Not much is known about this disease because it only results when certain areas of the head has been traumatized, when a debt is owed, or when the ego has been bruised.   

What are the symptoms of Selective Lingual Comprehension?

There are common elements in identifying people with this untreatable illness.  Those elements are not identified however, until after you’ve loaned them money or screwed them unmercifully in an inebriated or vulnerable rant.  Common symptoms are:

  • Refusing to accept a break up
  • Forgetting to repay a debt
  • Inventing false truths
  • Borrowing a car without permission

The list continues, but these are enough to get you started. 

What triggers Selective Lingual Comprehension and how can I avoid someone who has it?

Dollar signIt takes a small act of interest in the victim to set this mind boggling time bomb off in their brain.  If you have loaned them money, they will suddenly view you as a First National Bank.  They will continue to beg you for funds as if they are homeless or hooked on some obscene controlled substance like mushrooms or pre-mixed long island iced teas.  Before you shoot them in the esophagus with a bb gun, try telling them to hit the road or suggest they stand in front of a moving bus.  If they continue to ask you to loan them anything other than an envelope filled with anthrax, be prepared to “just say no” in an as many languages as your small little mind can retain.  Remember, they will unconsciously forget the English terms for rejection and/or acute threats, therefore flashlighting the key elements of the disease.  If you have loaned a SLC patient money, even if only once, that is the only thing they will see and remember.  You are now a living ATM machine and they will continue to withdraw from you until you have been dragged kicking and screaming to the poor house, arrested or murdered.  They do not understand the American meaning of the word, “no.”  Even death is a little grim. 

morning afterIf you have bedded an SLC casualty more than once, then you’re probably screwed.  Chances are they have lost all comprehension of rejecting words and will view anything you say as a ploy to get them back into the bedroom.  …or back seat of your car…depending on where and how good the first and second lay was.  Telling them “it’s over” is pointless.  A person who suffers from SLC will no longer recognize words such as “no” or “get lost.”  They will only interpret those references as “please” and “what time should I call you?” 

You must not get upset.  You mustn’t let yourself be consumed with a problem that has not yet been proven to be treatable.  If you have humped a person who suffers from selective language comprehension and have denied their requests for another delve into your god-given goodness, you should be knowledgeable of how to “just say no” in languages other than English, just as I have described for someone who owes a financial debt.  This will ensure that they get the message.  Once they have unconsciously forgotten the English pronunciation and definition of the word “no,” you should be armed with bilingual alternatives. The video below will give you a few examples.  Read them.  Study them.  Learn them.   If these examples still do not help you, result to violence.  Just consider making that your last option, unless your name rhymes with BottyhoodBelts.



shadow boxingIf your preferred choice of international kiss-offs still carry no effect on the inflicted, punching always works.  Black eyes and broken ribs are just as much universal languages as music and art.  Purchase a pair of brass knuckles and shadow box every morning to sharpen your skills.  You will most likely meet a SLC martyr sooner rather than later.  Good defenses and weapons will be comforting and reliable if you are caught in a dark alley with a delusional gambit of the SLC condition. 

HidingWhen all else fails.  Hide.  Hide inside your file cabinet at your job.  Stock up on perishable foods and water and barricade the doors and windows of your home with 2x4s and barbed wire.  Surround yourself with vicious dogs and keep a reliable battery operated radio close by so you will not have to leave your home for any reason or as little as possible. 

Keep in mind that these are not proven facts to get rid of a person with selective lingual comprehension.  The alternative language(s) you choose to say “no,” “leave me the hell alone” or “kill yourself” are not guarantees that your offender will understand your denunciation…but it will be a step in the right direction. 

If my advice does not work, I will personally loan my shot gun to anyone who needs it.  I have plenty to spare, so don’t hesitate to ask.  I am as generous with my weapons as I am with my advice. 

On that note, I will get my walking shoes and skidattle.  Remember that you are always welcomed to stop by and check me out as long as it’s no time before 11am.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone any time before then, I’ll cut your ass.  Yes I will. 

Until next time my little chocolate sprinkled camel humps!  Don’t forget that 90% of any effort is getting started. 


Quote of the week:   “Those who can, do.  Those who can’t don’t really matter.”

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