Remember Your First Heart-Felt “F*ck You!”?

Not all memories of your past are good ones.  Sure, there are some.  The first time you got laid, the first time you ate popcorn and potato chips at the same time, even your first solo in the shower.  But it’s those bad memories that stick out like sore thumbs.  For example – the first time you got laid, the first person to ever break your heart or your first solo OUT of the shower.  Though many people sit and reminisce on the days of yesteryear, you, along with about a kabillion other people sit and reminisce on that one person who led you on, only to step on your heart like a roach invading a home in the projects. 

Granted, you may find yourself asking yourself the question, “What the hell was I thinking?” at times, but those memories aren’t all a bag of crap – at least they shouldn’t be.  You’d be insensitive or inhuman if they were.  Maybe even a moron for dealing with such harshness of a shattered love, at least in the concept of what you thought love should be.  In some ways, you kind of owe your “first” a word of thanks.  Not in the sense of thanking them with a bouquet of roses, unless those roses are dead and wilted.  But thanking them for allowing you the opportunity to learn that you are so much better a person without them.  After all, how would you know how to deal with a broken heart if it wasn’t for that person, who lied to you, cheated on you and made you more of a less-wanted option as opposed to a can’t-do-without necessity?  Just think, there’s so many other reasons you can give thanks to that individual who never really gave a sh*t about you in private, only in public when it really mattered, when their set of friends looked on to your scripted relationship with envy.  You should stand proudly and hold your head up high as you thank the motherf*cker for:  

  • ruining someone else’s false hopes of living and loving happily ever after,
  • assisting you in losing weight after all those lonely nights of warm tears and loss of appetite, 
  • for no longer making you feel like an unwanted fool for forgetting special days like your birthday, Christmas and Valentine’s Day,
  • for no longer using you as a guinea pig for a love affair they prayed to have sans YOU,
  • for blaming you for a mistake they made, and
  • last but not least, for teaching you how to say and mean the most profound words of our country’s history, “F*ck you!”

You’d be just as much of a liar as they were if you admitted out loud that you no longer harbored any positive or negative thoughts to the tainted past. No one ever moves on completely…not when their “first” is concerned.  It’s just easier to hold on to all the profane thoughts of a “plastic” relationship than it is to admit you were a fool for love at all.  The truth is you’re going to be a fool for love many times over, even if you’re lucky enough to find your soul mate. 

Finding that one true love isn’t a matter of effort, it’s a matter of two things: (1) time and (2) patience.  Two things most people believe they don’t have a lot of.    


Quote of the week:    “The stupidest mistake in life is thinking the one who hurt you the most, won’t hurt you again.”

They’re Just Not That In To You

Unless you are one of the six people on the planet who are lucky enough to still be hitched to your high school sweetheart, you’ve experienced a failing relationship in some sense of the phrase.  At some point in your poor pathetic and loser-like past, your eyes have swelled and burned with tears of rejection.  You’ve lost sleep and weight wondering why things didn’t work between you and that someone you knew in your heart would be “the one” forever.  Though it’s probably too late to offer any advice over one of those past loves, it’s never too late to prepare yourself for the next heartbreak — and yes, there will always be heartbreak. 

No relationship is perfect and though you may be willing to put in the work to save something that’s crashing quickly, your mate may not be so enthusiastic.  One thing you may have to realize and accept is that you’re just not good enough to settle down with that person who doesn’t want you.  There’s no point in crying about it.  I am a firm believer that for every one good thing, there’s always something better.  So wipe those tears and pay close attention to the lesson you are about to learn.  Getting even may be fun but being hip to the game is more of an effective weapon than sitting at home lonely and depressed while your mate is out tossing their telephone number to anyone who isn’t you. 

Instead of cutting the crotches out of all of your boyfriend’s pants or putting super glue inside your girlfriend’s bra, it would benefit you more to know the signs of disinterest in your affair.  It could save you a lot of despondency in the long run.  It could also save you a few trips to the courthouse and avoid those charges that are pressed against you for your immature behavior in [not] accepting the truth. 

Let’s continue. 

Key Signs Your Mate is No Longer Interested

All things begin and end with communication.  In the beginning your lover can’t get enough of hearing all about you.  All the good, the bad and the down right stupid.  By the end of the relationship, you can talk until your voice is completely gone and that very same mate will not have heard a single word.  Not only because the sound of your voice has slowly become monotonous, but because they couldn’t give a sh*t.  They’d listen to you more if you were nowhere to be found. 

  • Save the time, energy and embarrassment on calling or texting.  If they aren’t going to pay any attention to you in person, the last thing they want to do is devote that much attention to reading your boring ass text messages or listening to your whiny voice over the phone. 
  • Sending emails is a bitch move.  They’re either going to delete your messages or send a “Dear John” letter in reply.  It’s more painful to be dumped via email than in person.  The written words have a longer lasting impact and your mate will have had time to think about how to tell you to take a muthaf*ckin’ hike! 

Spending time with each other will become a chore.  For you, spending time with your mate will be the highlight of your life.  That’s not necessarily a good thing because though you’d simply be looking forward to sharing bonding time, your lover will look at you in disgust — like a person who is allergic to wet alley mutts.  You’d look more pressed and stupid than you’d think.   

  • If you’re lucky or beg long enough, you might be able to get laid once a month – more if your partner likes to drink endless amounts of booze.  It’ll probably take that much liquor for them to be romantically interested in you. 
  • Don’t get your hopes up about going out.  They don’t want to be seen with you in public.  Hell, they don’t want to be seen with you in private.  Going out on a date with someone who could care less about you will only cramp their style.  Stop asking, stop hoping and find a life of your own.  A common problem in most relationships is that the couple tends to not have a life outside of each other.  Boredom quickly follows.  Then disloyalty.  Not necessarily in that order.
  • They won’t bother dressing up for you, either.  They may not even bother showering.  Any little thing that could possibly turn you off will be the name of the game.  Unless you’re a freak who likes the smell of musty armpits or other body parts, this is an immediate red flag.  Either they’re not interested in turning you on or they’re one dirty bitch.  My guess lies behind door #1. 

Other things to watch out for 

If you want to make sure you’re ahead of the game when it comes to someone being turned off by you and the relationship they share with you, then you need to make sure you are cognizant of the following signs:

___Listen out for words like “sure,” “whatever,” “I don’t care,” and the nonchalant shoulder shrug.  Don’t bother asking why they’re not into whatever it is you’re talking about, especially if you’re too weak to hear the truth.  It’s not the conversation; It’s YOU!

___ Pay attention to eye rolling or heavy sighing while you’re speaking.  This usually indicates they are getting tired of forcing themselves to listen to you. 

___ It will probably piss you off when you notice how often they text other people but never respond to any of your text messages.  When that starts happening, just blurt out “Let’s break up!” like you are ripping duct tape off of someone’s eyebrows. 

___ Listen for name dropping.  You can’t miss it because they will suddenly start calling the names of friends you’ve never heard of before during your entire time of dating.  When you ask them who those friends are, they will often go into defense mode and tell you they have friends that you don’t know about.  Be aware that those friends are either people they’re sleeping with or the kind of friends who are encouraging them to dump you.  Either way, you’re pretty screwed. 

Although there are a number of ways to determine just how bad things are between you and your other half, what you’ve just read here are the basics.  If you’re being avoided via telephone, email, in person or in the sack, then you’d better dust off your little black book and start making some back up calls now, otherwise the next few weeks are going to be very lonely and cold.  It doesn’t take that much to get on with your life but it does take a lot of effort.  The good news is 90% of any effort is getting started.  So go on.  Dry your eyes and pull out the skank gear!  If you ever needed an excuse to be a ho for a little while, now’s the perfect time.  No one will blame you.  You’re vulnerable and newly single.  You have to f*ck a few people to find out what you’ve been missing!  And the last I checked, sex was a good thing, especially if you’ve gotten accustomed to not getting any.   


Quote of the week:    “I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, “You’ll never find another like me again!”  I’m thinking, “I should hope not!  If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?””     

What Becomes of a Broken Heart: Getting the Last Laugh

Can we talk seriously for a moment?  …I didn’t think so, but let’s give it a shot anyway.  

They say “the heart wants what the heart wants.”  But what happens when the heart you want doesn’t want you back?  Wait.  Here’s a more thought provoking question: What happens when the heart that didn’t want you before, wants you now?  How do you deal?  Do you overlook the pain and suffering you endured when you were rejected by that special someone?  Do you pretend those feelings never existed or proceed with a lot of caution and a lot more ninja stars?  The answers are never easily revealed.  For the most part, it’s a matter of, you guessed it — the heart.  

Some people believe in second chances.  Some believe in fate.  Some believe that everything happens for a reason.  Those people are silly.  The really smart people believe that there are reasons why things didn’t work out the first time.  And those people are right.  Nine times out of ten if someone is trying to win you over or win you back, it’s because they miss you or something about you.  That much is worth the flattery but not necessarily the revisit.  There’s no guarantee that the second time around would be better than the first.  In fact, chances are it would be a recap of the tubs of ice cream and comfort food you wolfed down when you were dumped; stranded; ignored; rejected; underestimated; and underappreciated.  Only a fool would agree to go through that torment and weight gain again.  If there is/was something that someone didn’t like about you to begin with, it’s only a matter of time before those same turnoffs turn them off again, carrying your ass right back to the drawing board. 

Instead of asking yourself gratuitous questions like, “What if…?” this is your moment to take the opportunity to revel in the delight of getting the last laugh.  Somewhere between those buckets of tears and buckets of wings, you said to yourself that your ex lover would miss you when you were gone.  You may not have known when, if, or even how, but you knew in your heart that you were worth missing.  Them crawling back to you while whispering sweet nothings is the validation you could’ve only dreamed of and hoped for.  This is your just reward for loving someone who wouldn’t love you back; your trophy; your red ribbon!  The best part of sitting in the winner’s circle is that you know you are better than before.  You don’t need justification.  You don’t need someone else to tell you how great you are.  It’s nice to hear, but it’s not necessary — especially if it’s coming from someone who’s only speaking with empty words. 


Life has a funny little way of telling you some good sh*t.  You just have to be open to listening to what it has to say.


Always remember, “the path to your future does not rest in the baggage you carry on your back.”  Moving on and accepting new things is not as difficult as you may imagine.  Granted, it may take a little effort but 90% of any effort is getting started, the rest is a breeze.   Get the last laugh.  Laugh long and laugh loud! 


Quote of the week:   “The first step in getting the things you want out of life is to decide on what it is you want.”