Lunchtime Confessions: Don’t F*ck w/ Man After He’s Eaten

Contrary to popular belief, anyone or anything that stumbles across a hungry man’s path 20 minutes before and up to 45 minutes after the high noon lunch hour better be well-clad in metal armor and armed with a can of air freshener because stepping into that kind of line of fire [while someone is hungry or full] is a sure way to get the sh*t beaten out of you. 

A long time ago, a caveman came up with this rule while he was sh*tting in the bushes moments after ingesting a baby dinosaur leg.  Sadly, the caveman was attacked by the mother dinosaur, which followed his scent back to his camp after she couldn’t find her young.  What the mother dinosaur didn’t know was that it is never wise to mess with a man after he’s eaten.  Because every man would prefer at least 30 minutes of self time for his food to digest and his gas to pass, f*cking with him before his stomach settles is one bad idea — even for a dinosaur.  The ass kicking of the mother dinosaur led to two things:

  1. The extinction of dinosaurs, and
  2. The rule that no one should mess with a man after his greedy ass has finished eating.

For this rule to have existed since the dawn of time, you would think that in this modern age, stupid ass office employees and nagging wives would’ve learned to keep their damn mouths closed during a very memorable pre and post experience of the stuffing of the face.  Alas, they have not. 

Work and home are two of the most common places where someone has received a horrible beat down because people have chosen to violate man’s only chance of peaceful, self-deserved alone-time.  So many of these violent acts caused man — and congress — to insist that the average man spend his post-eating quality time in a restroom facility, closed off from the rest of the unappreciative world.  There has not been, unfortunately, a time set aside for all the greedy bastards who have yet to embark on a pre-eating stage of hungrism.  Because of the lack of commitment in protecting our citizens from such a brutal warning of no measure, it’s just advised to keep your damn distance until you’ve heard a belch or smelled a fart for yourself. 

Many citizens of the great working world have all agreed that there are key phrases to let a person know when the window of opportunity is temporarily nailed shut for any approach of annoyance or plain old bullsh*t.  Such phrases are listed below:

  • F*ck off.
  • Get the f*ck out of here.
  • Go f*ck yourself.
  • I don’t care. 
  • Who gives a sh*t? 
  • If you value your life, then go away. 
  • Now’s not a good time and never isn’t looking so good. 

These are just a few warnings to let a person know when now’s not a good time. 

It doesn’t take that much exertion to avoid getting your face smashed.  Just keep your pestering ass away from all people whose stomachs growl louder than their raspy voices or whose butt stench smells like cheese and dill pickles.  Once you’ve mastered the art of knowing when to stay the hell away from people, you’ve mastered a very useful skill.  All it takes is a little effort.  And 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

Free Advice For Someone Who’s Always Begging to Borrow

Many times we, as the soft-hearted jelly fish that we can sometimes be, are underestimated by our kindness and generosity.  Though those are two traits most people would consider to be commendably worth having, there are those moments when we, ourselves, would have to argue otherwise. 

It’s not uncommon for a person with a heart made of gold to loan out money, advice, time, effort or even their bodies, depending on the amount of whining one does to gain sympathy.  But as much as our hearts allow us to say yes, our minds must play the devil’s advocate.   

Rhetorical Question:  “Who the hell do you think we are?”

We, the kind and just people of the world who feel sorry for all you stingy, needy ass people who can’t or won’t go out and do for your damn selves, have finally taken a stand to unite and say, “F*ck no! Don’t ask.” 

As harsh as it may seem, it’s about damn time that we strike you over the head with what many people call “tough love.”  And by “tough love,” we mean rigging the brakes on your means of transportation.  How else are you going to learn to take care of yourself if those folks who are way better and more sufficient than you are don’t tell your ass “no” every now and again [or at least more often]?  You are depending on people who are smart enough to take care of themselves but dumb enough to take care of you, too.  That’s not fair. 

  • It’s not fair to the fools who are too nice to say “no.” 
  • It’s not fair to the mother who failed in raising you better. 
  • It’s not fair to your kids of whom you are leading a shameful example, and   
  • It’s not right for the universe to have your lazy ass breathing the same air as someone who has more worth and purpose of living. 

I know this is a little cruel but deal with it.  It’s the price you have to pay for always having your hand held out; always expecting something for nothing.  You might as well be a puppy.  Do you feel bad yet?  Because you kind of should.   There’s no reason for a person to be a lazy, trifling, no-go-getter when the world around them scuffles for a better tomorrow.  You need to stand up and move to the side because you are doing nothing but dirtying up the coat tails of the person who stands ahead of you in the game called life.

You want some real advice?  Don’t worry, it’s free.  Get a job or get lost!  Neither takes that much effort.  After all 90% of any effort is getting started.    The rest is money in the bank. 

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Quote of the week:     “Borrowing is not much better than begging.”

You Can Not Be Mislead If You Follow Your Own Steps

Good morning class.  Today we’ll be discussing stupid muthaf*ckers who insist on asking your opinion on matters that are just as stupid as the person who’s inquiring your input, but don’t appreciate your response. 

They’re out there.  Everywhere.  Sometimes self absorbed, often times ignorant to their own ignorance.  They are people who need validation to continue to be politically incorrect.  Oh what the hell…let’s not beat around the bush.  They are people who need validation to continue to be effin’ stupid.  They ask for your advice, opinion, or thoughts on a matter that they know in their heart and soul makes no sense and then judge and criticize you for the answer that you give, leaving you to ponder the thought, “What the hell did you ask me for?”  

Those very people will bore you with the details of their bad choices and try their damnedest to convince you they are right, all the while being more than hypocritical to the fact they don’t have all the answers – at least none of the right ones…or in most cases, the answers that are interesting enough to entertain.  

You can save your breath in offering up intelligent words of advice.  For the most part, they aren’t going to listen to you any way.  Just send them to a generic website or something and let them argue with the computer.  Now that would be more entertaining to witness.  If that doesn’t work, you can always stuff a sack of potatoes in their mouth and watch them choke on the skins.  Again, entertainment at its best.   Whatever you decide to do, it’d be better than having someone argue the very thoughts they practically begged you for.  And there would be no better payback for the person who wasted your time telling you about some issue you probably didn’t care about in the first place.     

So the next time a person asks for your opinion and then catches some devilish attitude for the answer you provide, there are a few options you can consider: 

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Punching them.

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Karate chopping them.

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Shoving them down a flight of stairs.

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Torpedoing a cake in their face.

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Tying them up and dangling them over a rooftop.

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Feeding them to sharks, or

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Unleashing a pack of belly-filled pigeons and watching them bird-sh*t all over the culprit.

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These considerations are a load of fun and only require a little effort on your part to make sure that very same fool won’t make the mistake of asking for your advice again.  If you keep in mind that 90% of any effort is getting started, you’ll realize nothing is impossible. 

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Quote of the week:    “Life can be summed up in three words: ‘It Goes On.’”

Office Etiquette: Listening to Death

There are certain etiquette rules one must follow when working in an office environment.  For instance, when you belch you should really say, “Excuse me.”  The same is true when you let out an obtrusive passing of the ass.  Sure, you may not want to.  You may not even care.  But it’s just the proper thing to do.  Think of it like walking downtown with your clothes on.  You probably would prefer to be naked but politics and the law, make the task simply daunting, and being the good law-abiding citizen that you are — who only holds up liquor stores on the weekends — you must play by the rules.

Unfortunately, no matter how many envelope openers you may want to throw at your coworkers, you can not fault them for following traditional office setting protocol. Asking someone how they’re doing is a standard act for anyone who’s an active part of the working community.  The easy part is replying with a simple one-worded sentence which usually sums up the description of your mood – “Fine,” followed by an annoyed gasp of breath and a look that could melt butter.  The hard part, on the other hand, is listening to that very same coworker volunteer an update on how they’re doing [or feeling]; “volunteering” being the operative word here.  There is nothing worse than listening to someone go and on about something that you care nothing about.

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why you should care about the stories that boring clod is telling you?  Most average working class people really don’t want to hear all the blah blah about their officemate’s night before.  They don’t want to hear about the long drive into the office or the report analysis that’s going to be discussed in further detail in the next staff meeting.   They don’t even want to hear the lame ass jokes that are guaranteed not to make you laugh.  What they do want is to be left the hell alone!  They want to be at peace with their coffee and their personal email.  They want to avoid the phony relationships, the hierarchy of supervisors and the constant telephone calls that never end.  In fact, having to speak to customers on the phone should be the only time uninteresting stories are bombarded on anyone at the office.  The average person spends 60% of their workday on the phone putting out fires in someone else’s shattering life.  The gripes, grievances, sob stories and fragmented inquiries almost drives a person to wanting to start a fire – burn that office building to the mutha-effin’ ground!

Though starting a blazing fire may be too extreme for some workers, there are other things you can do to avoid the death-like stories of your colleagues, who deem themselves an extended part of your family, considering you spend more time at the office than you do in your own home.

(1) You can rip off your ears and hand them over to whoever refuses to shut the hell up.  That way they can finish talking while you are deaf to all the world around you.

(2) You can snatch the lips right off their face and leave them on top of the water cooler.  Pulling this trick off may offend the person talking, but in the end they’ll thank you.  People do most of their chatting at the water cooler, anyway.

(3) You can take a gun and blow a hole in the side of your head.   That’ll save the undesirable chatter-box from talking you to death.

Smacking them and calling them out of name may be your first thought, but it would also be your one-way ticket to the unemployment office.   However, if you’re planning on quitting the job anyway, you have nothing to lose!  Also, don’t rule out running away from the conversation with your hands waving in the air or something as simple as passing out.  Slamming your head into a wall is also a good way to indiscreetly give someone the hint that you’d enjoy a stomach ache more than the conversation at hand.  Listening to the intricate details of someone’s boring life is just way too much to ask first thing in the morning.  Whatever way you decide to make your quick grand exit from listening to someone talk you to death, just keep in mind that it will require a little effort on your part.  And 90% of any effort is getting started.

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Quote of the Week:    “42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.”

I’d Love to Stay and Chat But I’d Rather Choke On My Own Fist

Let’s talk about annoying people who won’t realize enough is enough.  People who use every excuse in the book to hold on to nothing and then harp about it to anyone who’ll listen. 

People who fall into the category of:

  • folks who worry about their relationships falling apart;
  • folks who blow their money on frivolous things and ironically never have the money to pay back that they owe you; or
  • folks who are unhappy with their jobs but are too lazy or complacent to look for a new one.   

It’s not the issues that make the pills hard to swallow.  It’s the complaining.  We’re all guilty of bearing the harsh reality of life.  Generally the first instinct in any person’s mind when facing a dilemma, is usually the decision that person will act on, but only after he/she has exploited all of their personal problems to any and every listening ear.  These people are blinded by their own veil of self pity, self doubt, and self absorption.  

This just in: “NO ONE CARES!” 

Sit your ass down and drink a large cup of ‘get over yourself.’  You are not the only person with problems.  And just because you think your world is crashing down before your eyes, does not mean that everyone you tell will protect you from the falling sky.  In fact, you’re doing more damage to yourself than good by whining like a little sissy over the spilled milk on your side of the table.  Your bitching and moaning is sending all of your potential help running for the hills with their hands waving in the air. 

Your excessive “what ifs” and “what should I dos” are nothing more than cries for attention since you’re not getting that attention from the object of your affection.  What you are doing is making everyone around you suffer because someone was smart enough to tell your dumb ass to shut the hell up and take that droning someplace else.   In actuality, most people would rather choke on their own fist than to listen to you go on and on about a situation that has absolutely nothing to do with them, or a situation you can control or avoid. 

There are words for people like you: DRAMA QUEEN!   

Someone with a demanding or overbearing personality who tends to overreact to seemingly minor incidents.  Psychologists might describe a drama queen [or king, used less frequently] as a neurotic personality with histrionic tendencies, meaning they tend to become needlessly dramatic whenever order is disrupted.  Bottom line: a center stage hog; a spotlight thief; or someone desperately in need of attention.   In other words, A BIG ASS CRY BABY!    

If you are unfortunate enough to be sucked into a void of useless whimpering from an attention deprived stick in the mud, there are a few easy ways to get them to take a hike: 

  1. Ensure them that they are worth less than they are giving themselves credit for.  Stomp on their sense of pride and give them loads of false hope. 
  2. Stick your fingers in your ears and laugh uncontrollably every time you see them heading your way.  
  3. Set boundaries.  The real kind – using large sandbags and electrical fences.   
  4. Tell them it’s all their fault.  Blame the world’s problems on them: America’s budget problems; the trouble over in Haiti; Jessica Simpson’s stalled career.  Nobody’s fault but the person whose getting on your mutha-effin’ nerves. 

If you happen to be one of those annoying people who feel it best to dump all of your depressing problems on to the next one, then do yourself a favor and take a long trip.  A permanent one would be nice, but probably too much to ask for — that is unless the trip you’ve chosen to take is a Carribean cruise.  In that case, to take your mind off all of your current problems, pretend that the cruise ship is the Titanic.  And don’t stop pretending until you’ve played out the most dramatic scene – THE END

So let’s recap here:  Stop dumping your issues on other people.  Why?  Because no one gives a sh*t.   You’re the only person who has the power to change your situation.  All it takes is a little effort.  And 90% of any effort is getting started

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Quote of the week:   “The life we lead must be worth living.”