Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 14-20, 2010

We’ve come yet to another new week where people will deceive and lie before they speak.  An old routine that’s always played the same.  Yup, you guessed it; “Bullsh*t” is the name of the game! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Speak with a pirate accent the next time you make love during the middle of the week.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This is a good week to indulge in a little cultural music.  It may help to drown out some of those voices in your head. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Dust off those tap shoes. Tonight you’re going to be dancing around the truth.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you’re angry without enthusiasm, that’s called “Depression.”  It’s probably because all of your socks have holes in the heels. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

This week, a psychic lover will break up with you before you even have a chance to meet them. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Your armpits are an unexplored musical instrument, especially if you can play a score of any major show tune without missing a beat.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You are likely to come up with a clever solution while sitting on a porcelain throne at high noon after eating a bag of greasy salt & vinegar potato chips and sandwich pickles. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The enemy of your enemy is your friend and should not be trusted any more than you should be if left alone in a room with a box full of donuts. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Today, you must take charge of a situation; but nothing will be accomplished without a 2×4 plank, some scotch tape and a dull butter knife.  Imagination is everything. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

When the moon crosses paths with Jupiter, you will appear more charming than you actually are.  This will be a perfect time to meet a soul mate who has just established a career as a professional parrot feeder.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

If you think you hate your job, be glad you aren’t a roll of toilet paper.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Squeeze a coworker’s nipple in an elevator.  Follow that whole “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” rule.  It will also make an impression if you actually call them a cow. Remember to bob and weave! 

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Quote of the Week:   “You can’t walk on eggshells if you have bad feet.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 7-13, 2010

The weekend has passed and Monday is here.  Good luck has left and bad luck is near.  There’s no need to worry about crappy lost hope.  Not when you have Hottywood’s HORRORscopes! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Make a wall of fame for your favorite underwear and look forward to a lot more date nights.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You may develop boils on your butt cheeks that may make it difficult to sit on a load of bullsh*t.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

If your armpits smell like French onion dip, jump off a bridge at high noon tomorrow.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If someone tells you how beautiful you look today, check your mirror for bugars as today is statistically proven to be a day for massive lies.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your best ideas are the ones everyone around you has ignored.  Pout now; gloat later.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The more you talk the more gas a buffalo passes.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

No one will remember your name until a toilet flushes.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Sweating scent-free hot chocolate is a key factor that your ass needs a damn bath.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Peeing with the door open will bring u good luck unless you’re a prison inmate.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Read the warning label on your next relationship. The side effects may keep you from having to operate heavy machinery while high.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The way things look now aren’t the way things looked then.  And the way things look now may not be the way things will look soon because sometimes things don’t always look like what they look like. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You are stubborn and bullheaded and give the worst advice unless you’re telling someone to shut the hell up.  You also fart the loudest out of a crowd of baked bean eaters.

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Quote of the Week:   “Liars begin by imposing upon others and end with deceiving only themselves.” 

Oh Ye of Little Faith

In life, it’s not always easy to deal with disappointments, especially when the only person who seems to care about your feelings is you.    

Your support system only supports you when the money and light is green.  Your family only supports you when your endeavors look good to non-family members.  Your friends only support you when your success income is large enough to cover all of the dinner parties.  

In the end, through all of your hardships, failures, road blocks and let downs, all you have is you and that pillow that you beat the sh*t out of before laying your head to rest for the night.  And even that gets a little lumpy.  

But all is not lost!  For it is written in the greatest book of all time: 

  • Luke 17:6   He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you. 
  • Matthew 8:26   He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. 
  • New International Version   He replied, “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” 

Your flies may be greater in number than your chambers of honey, but as long as your spears are sharp, your poison is deadly and you have enough common sense to know that all things happen for a reason, nothing is in impossible.  

Today may feel like your defeat but tomorrow shall be your victory and you will have your moment to plug your fingers into your ears, stick out your tongue and quote these words (my favorite words on the planet) verbatim to all of your haters and nay-sayers, “Na na na boo boo muthaf*ckas!”    

People will laugh at you and they will take pride when you fall, but those are the very same people who don’t have sh*t going on for themselves; the very same people whose names are never uttered from anyone else’s lips; whose hopes and dreams failed in their final year of high school; whose relationships were built on lies; and whose one-night stands only happened because their one-time lover was too blinded by an excessive amount of alcohol.  

Who was the old miserable bastard that once said, “Misery loves company?”  That man was an underachieving loser who preyed on people who crumbled under the weight of defeat and disappointment.  As unsuccessful as he may have been, he was smart enough to know that he will never be alone thanks to people who are too deep rooted in their own self-pity and worthlessness. 

Oh ye of little faith.  In the words of the great and wise little orphan Annie, who never changed her dress and whose hair matched her shaggy ass dog’s fur, “The sun will come out tomorrow…” 

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Quote of the week:   “The road to success is always under construction.”

A Case of the “I Told You So’s”

There is great pride in finishing something you’ve started – even if that something is as simple as releasing a stinky fart without anyone noticing the foul gas came from your ass.  

Completing a project, task, goal or dream is your way of telling the world “I told you so,” when everyone seemed to have doubted you.  Holding true to what you know you can do and what you can pay someone else to do for you while you hog all the credit is the leverage you have over people whose greatest achievement is to hate on someone whose life is more worthy than blowing a ring of smoke.    

To the washed up high school jock who should’ve been in the NFL by now; to the former cheerleader who boosts stolen knock-off designer handbags in the hair salon; and finally to the minister who’s too hung over to make it to church on time to preach to all of his fellow heathens – finishing what you start doesn’t mean polishing off the last of the bottle you bought from the local corner store; it doesn’t mean digging up dirt to slander all those who are doing better than you; and it doesn’t mean pretending that someone else’s success doesn’t exist.  What it means is finding the determination to be a better you and patiently waiting for your opportunity to say to someone:  

***

All the people who walk the Earth’s grounds boasting about how they hate the “I told you so’s” are a gotdamn lie, because everyone knows there is no greater feeling than proving someone wrong!

***

Be proud of your accomplishments – big or small – because it’s those achievements that will motivate you to continue on to greatness.  You may not be the best at everything but everyone is good at something. 

“90% of any effort is getting started.”

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Quote of the week:  “Achieving life is not the equivalent of avoiding death.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 24-30, 2010

With fingers crossed you’ve come to seek all the sh*t that’s in store for this week.  Flat tires and liars and people you owe and times you’ll say “yes” when you’ll really mean “no.”  So before you slap those who aren’t you, ask yourself “what would Hottywood do?” 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Give your nipples pet names and refer to them frequently.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For a smooth sailing day, moon-walk like Michael Jackson every time you exit the bathroom.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Contrary to popular belief, using your thick toenail as a letter opener is not a skill.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You can’t be mad at someone else for telling your secrets if you aren’t smart enough to keep them to yourself. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Two people near you will grab your butt cheeks at the same time.  They will both be hermaphrodite midgets. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

A zit will show up unexpectedly between your big and middle toes and will rip a hole in your socks the size of an obese moth ball. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

That compliment that no one is going to give you will drive you to drink.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Proactively addressing a touchy issue may result in a black eye.  Expect a lot of attention from people who point fingers and care nothing about your feelings.  …Family included.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

For a day much better than yesterday, pretend you are a crackhead cartoon character on steroids. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Make a list of everyone you hate and anonymously send their mailing addresses to random prison inmates. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Your last one-night stand will tell everyone you’re a lousy lay.  Don’t worry about it.  Everyone already knows because it’s been written on the walls of about 60 gas station bathrooms. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

It’s no secret that you’re a major screw-up, so the biggest favor you can do for anybody is to not do a damn thing at all. 

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Quote of the Week:   “Know your friends and your enemies and ask yourself if there’s much of a difference.” 

Second Half-Year Review of the Top Pet Peeves of 2010

Well kats and kittens, we’re back with our second half-year review of the Top Pet Peeves of 2010.  When last we met, we ranked the highest pet peeves for the 10th chapter of the new millennium, and boy was it a doozy!  [For those of you who skipped class that day, here’s what you missed – Hottywood’s 1/2 Year Review of the 20 Top Pets Peeves of 2010…So Far]. 

It should come as no surprise that the idiots of our polluted world have managed to top themselves with yet more of the most annoying things they could possibly think of.  And yours truly has taken the initiative to come forward and put those very same idiots on full blast.  Why?  The answer is simple.  Because I don’t give a… Well, I think you get the idea.  

So sit back, relax and see if we share views on the exasperating sh*t that people can come up with. 

_________________________________________________________

People who start off every sentence with, “I.”

Call me crazy, but people who are so wrapped up in the boringness (if that’s even a word outside of the Ebonics dictionary) of themselves should be cast over the side of a short plank, hovering over a sea of man-devouring jelly fish. 

And that’s putting it mildly.

_________________________________________________________

People who look like their pets. 

I know I’m not the only one who has witnessed the circus freak who looks like a dog  — I mean like their dog.  They say when you spend so much time with someone, you begin to look alike. 

_________________________________________________________

People whose greatest accomplishment is calculating the number of bed mates they’ve had in the past 6 months. 

Generally, folks who brag about their sex lives are usually not getting any at all.  That’s what makes them so damn funny.  They’re not lying to anyone but themselves.  

The joke’s on you, skank! 

_________________________________________________________

Lazy people who want you to wait on them hand and foot instead of finding some useful purpose for their existence other than taking up oxygen. 

Sometimes you just want to take those cupcakes and shove ’em right up their ass! 

_________________________________________________________

Celebrities who spend half their lives trying to be famous and then hide behind dark sunglasses to keep from being noticed. 

As soon as their bright star fades, they’ll be doing some ridiculous thing to get attention again.  And our dumb asses are waiting to see what they do next.

_________________________________________________________

People who fart at the dinner table. 

Seriously, what disgusting ill-mannered moron wouldn’t have the decency to pack a travel-kit air freshener when having an attack of a gassy ass? 

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People who don’t tell you your fly is open. 

These are just mean and nasty bastards who are secretly trying to get a good look at your family jewels without being sued for sexual harassment. 

However in a perfect world, a gigalo might not mind this slick act of hornismness

That’s right.  I said it.  Now whatchu gon do about it, sucka!? 

_________________________________________________________

People who are consumed by their cell phones.    

It’s because of people like you that Oprah is enforcing this NO PHONE ZONE bullsh*t.   As far as we know, you’re probably just calling the weather only to make yourself look more important than you’re actually not.  You’re not fooling anybody.

_________________________________________________________

People who can’t lie right. 

When you break out into a sweat, your eye starts twitching and you can’t keep still, chances are you’re lying and everyone around you can see it. 

P.S., nobody wants a bad liar on their side.  It’s like being picked last for kickball. 

“A good liar is a better ally than an enemy.  A bad liar is good for nothing.” 

Words to live by. 

_________________________________________________________

People who sniff underarms only on Thursdays. 

…for obvious reasons, of course. 

This gives new meaning to the phrase, “I smell a rat.”

_________________________________________________________

Lindsay Lohan.  …again, for obvious reasons. 

If I’m not mistaken, old Fire Crotch made her way onto our Top Pet Peeves List during the 1st half of the year.   Why can’t this winch get her life together?  Does she know how many other starving addicts would kill to have her celebrity?   Sometimes you just can’t help but to hate people who abuse a good thing. 

(She wasn’t worth enlarging the picture.) 

_________________________________________________________

People who think showing their fat rolls is cute. 

If you don’t sit your fat ass down and cover up with a beach blanket, you better. 

Look, I’m not knocking big people and those who love them, but there’s no reason for you to blind us with the sight of cellulite and twinkie rolls.  Have a little respect for those folks who actually want to keep their lunch down. 

Now excuse me while I go puke. 

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Church ladies with those annoyingly big ass hats.    

If your church ladies are anything like mine with their outrageously big hats, you’ll learn that carrying BB guns will come in handy so you can shoot holes inside the hat in order to see what’s happening at the pulpit when the preacher is preaching or when one of the awful choirs are murdering a church selection.  But like a good Christian, you’ll put your hand over your heart, lie, and pretend like nothing’s getting on your mofo nerves.  And then you’ll go home and talk maliciously about that big ass hat and how it probably didn’t match a damn thing the ol’ church lady was wearing, anyway. 

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Supervisors who are no more skilled than the office mail clerk. 

Fortunately I’m lucky enough to have some good supervisors, but believe me when I say I’m one of the few lucky ones.  For all of you who are not me, this one’s for you! 

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Fast food drive-thru attendants who make you pull over to the side to wait for your food. 

Instead of pulling to the side, pull your car through the front of the restaurant’s window. 

I bet next time they’ll serve you in 60 seconds or less. 

_________________________________________________________

People who lie to your face and then will turn around and stab you in the back.

I have only one thing to say to you:

“KARMA’S A BITCH!” 

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Pedestrians who ride their bikes in the street. 

<— Look at this picture and tell me that pictures aren’t worth a thousand words. 

BEEP BEEP Motherfu****! 

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People who pee in gas tanks and don’t post it on YouTube. 

Aw c’mon, you know this is funny as hell and should be shared with all of the world.  

As as long as some old geezer isn’t pissing inside your gas tank, what should you care?_________________________________________________________

I guess there’s no need to reiterate that people are more than capable of coming up with some pretty unbelieveable sh*t.  But if you really think about it, without the stupidity of others, we wouldn’t have much to talk about at the water cooler. 

Look, it doesn’t take that much effort to keep your simple crap to yourself.  But it also doesn’t take that much effort to find out what simple crap you’re hiding.  After all, 90% of any effort is getting started, no matter what side of the fence you fall on. 

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Quote of the week:   “Thank your parents for making it possible.  Thank your children for making it necessary.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 3-9, 2010

Handle your problems and handle with care in comfort in knowing Hottywood will be there; standing close by to answer your call when your luck for the better takes a clumsy fall. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Watch your back.  You will be bombarded with hate mail from people to whom you owe money.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Unibrows are making a comeback. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

This is a good week for setting mouse traps while wearing open-toed shoes.  Especially if you have ugly feet. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

The truth shall set you free.  Be honest with someone even if it means lying to them.

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

There’s no reason to argue with anyone as long as you believe you’re right.  Anything beyond that is a waste of time.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Settle any problem with a pair of inflatable boxing gloves.   Insert visual [–>HERE<–].

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Today is a good day to start a new habit.  End every sentence and question with the word, “Dammit.” 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean no one’s out to get you.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Looking for love in all the wrong places may be wrong, but it sure is fun.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Don’t trust a woman with hair on her breasts.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Take pictures of yourself during an office staff meeting.  Wardrobe changes add a dramatic effect. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

It’s time to play a little game.  Stand really close to people and sniff them sporadically.  Try to guess what kind of deotorant they’re wearing.

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Quote of the Week:   “After the game is over, the king and the pawn still go into the same box.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 19-25, 2010

The week is ready to settle in.  Will you lose or will you win?  Will this be the week the pimple pops or when the Final Notices stop?  With Hottywood’s HORRORscopes you never know, so you just gotta stick around for the show!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

The good news is today is the day you will make the most sense.  The bad news is you’ll have no idea what the hell you are talking about. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Being cheap is the most memorable thing about you. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Not matching your socks will bring you the best luck bad fashion can buy.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

The dry skin on the heels of your foot will shed like cat fur.   

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Count to 10 backwards then fart 3 times.  That is all. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You are an overachiever in reverse. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The length of your toenails will determine the amount of booty-call time you’re entitled to. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Smearing ear wax on your neck like scented body oil is guaranteed to attract the love of your life…or a family of gnats. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

The hairs of your underarms will intertwine like unkempt dred locs, which is sure to make for a bad day. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

A patch of hair, full of dandruff, will grow on your left butt cheek at the stroke of midnight.  Avoid sexual relations for 2100 minutes. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

sihT si tahw elpoep raeh nehw uoy nepo ruoy htuom ot kaeps.  Ebonics has nothing on you.

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You will be cursed with the bladder of a 6 y/o…or a 96 y/o.  …same thing.  Either way, it’s a bad week for romance. 

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Quote of the Week:    “Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.”  

 

If the Skin Fits…

Being comfortable in your own skin is never easy to do, no matter who may try to convince you otherwise.  It’s not impossible, by far.  For some it’s a skill that they were born with.  For others, it takes a lifetime to learn.  And sadly there are those who never find their comfort zone.  It doesn’t lessen who you are.  In fact, treading on unfamiliar territory within yourself pushes you into a determination to find something better for and within yourself.  The trick is finding that something for the purpose and benefit for you, though.  Not for anyone else. 
 
People will try to pull out a better you for them.  They’ll try to mold you into what they think you should be.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all for malicious intent.  You may think so if you’re not one of those kinds of people who are acclimated to criticism and change, but if you spend too much time worrying about who is not happy with who and how you are, you’ll never find the time to change what you’re not happy with about yourself. 
 
Sometimes you just may have to listen to other people’s proposals because believe it or not, their very suggestions may be just what you need to be contented with you.  Keep in mind that I said “sometimes,” because there are definitely those moments where you have to be strong enough to say “F*ck what you think. This is who I am; like or leave it.”  But when you think about it, if you’re strong enough to tell someone to “f*ck off,” how insecure are you really?  Does your insecurity become a game of mind over matter or are you just lucky enough to run across that one person whose mastered skill is to convince you that you are not as good as you are…or need to be? 
 
The bottom line is that you have all the answers you need to answer all the questions that have you second-guessing yourself, but you need to be the one to ask those questions.  Don’t leave it up to someone else.  Because if you leave it up to them, they can put you in a much darker place than you’d be without their help.  Being at ease within your own skin doesn’t mean making someone else comfortable with you.  That’s false advertisement and you’d only be selling yourself short.  No one’s going to pay that price but you.  What it does mean is that you have to develop thicker skin.  This is probably a good time to suggest lathering your body in shellac, but truth be told that’s probably not environmentally safe, so that only leaves you to do it the old-fashioned way — toughen up, Jack!   You came into this world by yourself – unless you’re a twin, triplet, quadruplet, quintuplet…you get my point so that’s probably not a good analogy.  Ah screw it.  In the game of life, it’s generally every man for himself.  And if you don’t have the chops to be who you are, even confident in your own insecurities, then chances are you’re screwed and you just need to sit your weak ass down.  I’m just kidding.  …a little bit of tough love. 
 
Using that example, though, I bet you wanted to tell me to go shove it (you better not, but I bet you wanted to).  That’s the inner strength you need to tap into in order to be complacent with being who you are for you.  Doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.  People are going to have perceptions about you whether they make it known or not, but if you had to choose between them and yourself, who would you put first?  The only answer should be “you.”  If it’s not, then try harder.  After all, 90% of any effort is getting started.  As long as there’s comfort in knowing that bit of truth, your victory is just around the corner, along with the satisfaction of telling your nay-sayers, “Na na na boo boo, bitches.”

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Quote of the week:   “No one will have faith in you if you don’t have it within yourself.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 15-21, 2010

If there’s one thing that you should always remember, it’s that “sh*t happens.”

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Don’t put all your energy into finding someone to love you if you haven’t mastered the art of loving yourself first. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

When one door closes, there’s always a brick to open a window.  …unless you’re a stalker — then this probably wouldn’t be a good idea.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Stop apologizing for not being who people want you to be and don’t be ashamed for not being who you should be.  More people than you think don’t care either way. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Taking on the mentality that you’re everyone’s type only labels you as a garden tool. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your pissy attitude will come back to haunt you the next time you have a one-night-stand with a farty old brillo pad wearing a bad hair piece. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Difficulties at work will cause you to punch a hole in a wall.  Ironically, talking to an irritating coworker will be like talking to a brick wall.  See where this is headed?

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

It’s time to act like the arrogant asshole everyone thinks you are.  If people are going to perceive you as something you’re not, you might as well give them what they want and have fun doing it. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

People will know you’re lying about your age by the number of rings around your stomach. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

When all else fails, bunjee jumping with a string of yarn is the next best thing.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Cursing is the best way to get your point across.  That, and a sharp wooden stick. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The only thing stronger than a mother’s love is onion breath. ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

By the time you finish reading this HORRORscope, a blond-haired smurf will be knocked up and not know who the father is. 

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Quote of the Week:   “An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.”

 

The Ineffective, Yet Highly Enjoyable Hottywood Diet

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a fat kid trapped in a skinny man’s body.  Some say they hate me for that; some say they are jealous; and others haven’t bothered to form an opinion one way or another.  You may think whatever you want of my ability to eat 200 chicken wings in one sitting, but you can’t help but to admire my commitment to stuffing my face until my stomach or ass reach a code red for explosion.  Before we go any further, I’m reminded of a limerick my family used to sing to me every time I farted after a big meal: 

“Better to let it out and be ashamed

Than to hold it back and bust a vein!” 

Most of you who are reading this right now are probably grossed out by what you’re reading, but sometimes even clean reading can get a little messy.  Here’s when you challenge your sense of humor and either go with the flow or just go.  

I didn’t bring you here to discuss my gastric issues.  What I came here to say is “down with dieting — BOOOO!” What’s the point?  It’s no fun.  After all, the first three letters of the word “diet” are D-I-E.  Having said that, below is the very ineffective, yet most highly enjoyable Hottywood Diet, guaranteed not to make you lose a single pound!  Hey, look at it this way, the more fat that dangles around your love-handles only means there’s more of you to love.  Own up to it.  Hell, I do.  I’ve already decided that in my next life I’m going to come back as a pie-eating champion.  

Anyway, enjoy the not-so-helpful diet tips below.  If you’re going to eat yourself into a frenzy, you might as well enjoy every last crumb.  

FOODS TO AVOID:

Avoid nothing!  Eat any damn thing you want.   That’s the best part about the Hottywood Diet.  There are no repercussions; no second thoughts.  Just enjoy the moment.  And if anyone tells you to avoid any kind of food, you tell them to avoid the fist that you’ll be throwing at their forehead.  …and you’ll only be throwing a fist because you probably ate the last cream pie. 

INSTEAD OF STARVING YOURSELF TO MEET SOCIETY’S DEMANDS OF “NORMAL”: 

  1. Eat about 25%-50% above your calorie maintenance level.  More, if you’re an overachiever or one greedy motherf*cker. 
  2. Don’t spread your calories into 5-6 small meals.  Instead, eat 5-6 big meals!  Dessert and snacks count as bonus points.  If you’re going to go all out — go all the way.   
  3. Drink plenty of kool-aid and carbonated sodas instead of tasteless water.  Alcohol is also a fun beverage to wash your meals down with, especially in the morning. 
  4. Toss your weight scale in front of a herd of angry ostriches.  If you follow this ineffective diet, you won’t need it anymore.   
  5. Exercise is the ENEMY!  Don’t bother working out.  You’ll be too tired after you eat anyway. 
  6. And last but not least, the only pills you should be taking are those “All-Night-Long” pills for men and women.  Who the hell heard of taking a pill to curb your appetite???  Talk about a hard pill to swallow, geez.   

People of Earth invest way too much time, effort and energy into attempting to lose weight.  Everyone except people in a few third-world countries of course, but that’s a horse of a different color.  If we weren’t meant to eat ourselves into deep dips inside our couches, then why on Earth is food so good?  Don’t blame us for eating the heavy carbs and loads of sugar.  Our appetites are keeping businesses afloat – Popeyes; McDonalds; Sonic; Dairy Queen.  We’re contributing a lot to the livelihood of businesses; keeping jobs filled; providing an American justice.

I could go on and on about how we should avoid b*tches like Jenny Craig and that whole Nutrisystem scam sham.  You only have one life to live so you might as well live it to the fullest…or live while being full.  And it certainly doesn’t take 90% of any effort to do that.  Especially if there’s a ham bone tied to a string on a stick at the end of effort’s trail.  

Now I’m not shoving any food down anyone’s throat so if you gain a few extra pounds, good for you, but you can’t say it was at my hand.  In fact, my hands are full and greasy, thanks to these fries and this fully loaded pepper jack burger!   So on that note — peace out ya’ll!  I’m about to make my inner fat kid very happy. 

Nom Nom Nom

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Quote of the week:   “Sex is just as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 1-7, 2010

Not every week can be as good as the last but there’s always fun in finding out what’s in store.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

It’s not a good thing if your fingers look like you’ve been changing oil all day.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Put your feet in the right place,  then stand strong.  Just make sure you’re not walking your dog at the time.  NobodyLikesASh_ttyFoot.com

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Having toenails like a garden rake is not sexy. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

It’s probably time to change your perfume/cologne if the scent of a backed-up toilet is the first thing people smell when you walk through the door.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

If you can draw a ‘Hop Scotch’ template on concrete with the heel of your foot, something’s definitely wrong.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

As long as you’re happy expecting nothing, you’ll never be disappointed. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Age doesn’t protect you from love. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Blame someone else for all of your mistakes.  Wear comfortable shoes.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If you think you’re going out of your mind at work, you are.  A cubicle is nothing more than a padded cell without a door. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Whatever the law is that prohibits you from being wrong only exists in that little box that you live in. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Don’t leave your lunch on the side of a public restroom sink. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Beware of cross-dressing midgets. 

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Quote of the Week:  “If Harry Potter is so magical, why can’t he cure is own eye sight?” 

Assess Your Own Personality

It’s time for an individual personality assessment.  Half of the people who take up the Earth’s oxygen need no one to tell them what kind of a screw up they are.  Alas, the other half of Earth’s people can’t wait to point their fingers and redirect the focus from their own jacked-up characters.  Though it’s no secret that the people of Hottywood are less than afraid to speak their minds when it comes to that one bad apple in a bunch, HottywoodHelps.com challenges you to assess yourself to gain a better understanding of how people perceive you.  

Keep in mind that if any of these characteristics offend you, then you’re probably more guilty of being type-cast than you’re willing to give yourself credit for.  Unfortunately that’s a problem you have to deal with within yourself.  Hottywood can only help you realize you’re not as perfect as you want everyone to believe.  

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The Diva 

The “diva” is probably the most common pit-sniffer there is.  Initially the Italian term diva, first introduced in the 19th century, was used to describe a celebrated female singer in the world of opera.  As time progressed, drag queens’ wigs got bigger, and heaven forbid we dare forget the phenomenon we all know as the woman who vows “Crack is Whack” – dear old Whitney Houston, the term [diva], by extension, grew to describe women, and in some cases men, in theatre, cinema and popular music.  Today a diva can be anyone who believes their sh*t doesn’t stink; someone who prides themselves on living on a plateau above from common folk.  And by ‘common folk’ we are referring to anyone who doesn’t give a damn about the diva at all.  The diva is most likely to get beat up in an alley by someone with a low tolerance for self absorbed people.  

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The Powerhouse 

The “powerhouse” is that man or woman who knows he/she is the sh*t but spends more time displaying the reason for being the best at the game through action than word of mouth.  They are the person the diva aspires to be, but unfortunately can’t cut it as.  The powerhouse is typically strong in will and determination and will not rest until a job is done to their satisfaction.  If there was ever anyone’s paper to copy off of during a test, he/she is the person you’d bully into giving you [all the right] answers.  They’re intelligent and resourceful — sometimes too much for their own good.  There aren’t too many days that go by where you don’t want to tie their shoe strings together out of sheer envy.  They are bad mamma jammas but will let you tell it instead of announcing it for themselves.  They deserve kudos for their less than humble personal awareness and probably will get the accolades by any means necessary, simply because success is the only option.  

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The Asshole 

The “asshole” will stand out in a crowd like a puppy’s aged crap load.  They demand your attention to their snake-like ways.  They are trouble; danger; red flags, even.  Everything about them stinks – their personality; disposition; intension; motive; loyalty.  You name it and it stinks!  They are on the bottom of the totum pole merely because no one likes nor trusts them.  They are typically the first to throw you under the bus or even in front of it, for nothing more than their amusement.  Like the diva, the asshole is prone to getting his/her chest pumped with a round of half eaten M&Ms shot from the barrel of sawed off water gun.  When you see an asshole coming your way — and you will because they’re on every corner, like liquor stores and churches — slap them on the forehead and take off running in the opposite direction.  Just be cognizant that the asshole is all about payback.  To them, revenge is sweeter because it keeps asshole-ish drama going.    

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The Unpredictable 

The “unpredictable” person is that someone that’s all right to be around because you never know what to expect.  Just as soon as you think you have their page all read, they’ve written a new verse.  This person is one who can surprise you when you least expect it – and I mean that in both the good and bad sense of the way.  They can be as needy as the diva, as confident as the powerhouse or as shady as the asshole.  Their prediction of personality could depend on the time of day, the direction of the blowing wind or the rumble of a lactose-intolerant stomach.  You can roll the dice all you want but you’ll never know how your luck is going to run with this one.  The fun part is figuring it out, then dealing with what you get.

***

Many are guilty of carrying one of the traits of these common characteristics – ‘many’ meaning ‘everyone.’  No one is innocent enough not to pull it off, unless they are about not-born yet years old.   There’s a little bit of a diva, a powerhouse, a certain level of unpredictability…and yes, even a great or small amount of an asshole in each of us.  It’s what makes us special and interesting, to say the least.  The hard part is keeping a great percentage of those overbearing qualities to ourselves, however the good news to that is 90% of any effort is getting started.

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Quote of the week:      “Time changes everything except something within us which is always surprised by change.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 18-24, 2010

Welcome to this week’s edition of Hottywood’s HORRORscopes.  This is your chance to find out what effects your smelly socks will have on the universe and where your disposition ranks you among those people who pretend not to judge you.  Are you ready?  Well if you aren’t, that’s what I’m here for.  Why?  Because Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Contrary to popular belief, eavesdropping is not a skill.  It’s a warrant for a straight up ass whooping. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anything anyone says to you will go in one ear and out the other because there’s nothing blocking the traffic. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Your back hair resembles yak fur. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If walls could talk, your freaky ass would be in a world of trouble. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Someone is itching to slap the sh*t out of you – and we’re not talking about on the ass. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

That mole hiding underneath your pubic hair is not really a mole at all.  It’s time for a second opinion. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You may be lucky enough for someone to forgive your ignorance this week but don’t put all your eggs in one basket.   

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Foreplay for you means having someone clip your toenails before sex. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You will be visited by the ghost of a public restroom on the 3rd day of the 4th week during the 15th minute of the last hour of the day. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

That thing you want to get off your chest is probably just a boil. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You should consider slipping into something more comfortable for the lover who’s not that interested in you – like a coma.    

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Borrow $.50 from anyone who feels sorry for you and buy yourself a personality. 

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Quote of the Week:      “A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.”