Writing a New Chapter

For all of you who are looking forward to this week’s Hottywood’s HORRORscopes, sadly I must disappoint you with some bitter-sweet news. 

You know how business moguls get to vacation in St. Tropez and schzmuuuschz with other executives and high-banking celebrities?  Well that’s exactly what I’m doing — only different

While seeking a little much needed R&R is in order, I’m busy exploring new dreams; new visions; and dare I say, new catastrophies — to look deeper into destiny’s mossy swamps and rare flowers.   I’m delving into new adventures; new fates; and new creepy lessons to be learned. 

The mysteries of tomorrow is a blank page waiting to be seduced by a ball-point pen.  …and well, my scandal-seeking friends — we all know I aim to please! 

All for you and the sake of witty entertainment, I — with the help of some of my very talented Hottylicious friends — am busting chops to bring three little winches named Karma, Fate and Lady Luck, to a desk or laptop near you, by way of a ground-breaking series — Hottywood Helps: The Webisode! 

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For the first time ever, you’ll not only get to read about the scandals that take place in the Hills of Hottywood, you’ll get to see it for yourself.

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But don’t pack your bags just yet, kids.  We’re still getting the city ready for your grand tour.  Patience, young grasshoppers.  “Patience” is the name of this game.   

 CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION

 

Nothing Says Nothing Better Than Nothing

This post is about nothing.  It has absolutely no substance whatsoever.  It’s not about the wind that blows or the air released from an ass after an impressive inhalation of boiled eggs.  It’s not about the silence of a bad joke or the hesitation after the inquiry, “was it good for you?”   

It isn’t about assessing the amount of nothing a single person can muster up, think about, do, say or even consider.  It’s not about yeses or no’s, wrong or right, good, bad or ugly.  

What this post is about is nada; rien; nichts; niente; Ничто.  If you have no idea what any of that means, it means “nothing.” It’s simply a multitude of foreign tongues (Spanish, French, German, Italian and Russian) that says, well…nothing.  

The purpose is not with intent to discuss the smell of ripe armpits, funky athlete’s foot or heavy, thick morning breath.  It’s not about the thoughts of other people, whether their interpretations of you or life are positive or negative.  It’s not about approval or validation or even entertainment.  

It’s not about anything.  

Not the air we breathe.  Not the sh*t we put up with.  Not the sound of a slap on the forehead when someone miscounts your change.  Not the grunt of disgust when McDonald’s give you the wrong order, nor the simmering grits that cook on the stove at the moment you confront your lover about cheating on you.  

It’s about zilch; zip; zero; nil; naught – nothing, damnit.  

Sometimes things need to be that simple.  Have no meaning; no purpose.  No why or because.  Just be, for the need and desire of enjoying the moment of purposeless time.  No fuss, no rush, no stress or worry.  

The best part is that nothing takes no work at all.  What more can you ask for?  I know the answer to that question: NOTHING.   

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Quote of the week:   “You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Jan. 3-9, 2010

Life would go so much smoother if you could foresee the distribution of ass gas at the very moment you are exchanging phone numbers with a potential new lover.  Well never fear, Hottywood is here to help with the predictions of the future. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

A big secret you couldn’t keep to yourself will come back to bite you in the ass.  Watch out for a bitch named Karma.  She has a mean left hook.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to be a know-it-all this week and wrong about everything.  Wear bright colors.  They look better with the color of “ass.” 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Your weave is going to get caught in your jacket zipper – which is really questionable if you’re a man. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Dress in layers.  The sweat from your armpits is going to bleed through your heaviest shirts, leaving the most unattractive stains.  Prepare to be a laughing stock.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You win some.  You lose some.  And some you just give up on. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Your elbows are going to be your selling point to the next person who shows interest in you.  Way to go!  You sure know how to pick ‘em. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Two things are demanding your attention.  You’re going to have to choose: The chicken or the egg. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You won’t be able to get the scent of raw onions from under your nose.  Put all of your energy into personal hygiene. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Purchase a roll of Bounty [the quicker picker upper].  You’re going to need it for the ass stains you leave behind whenever you get up from a chair. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

It’s about time someone told you to the shut the hell up.  No one wants your advice or your opinion.  Kickbox a whole in a wall and change everyone’s views on you for a whole new reason.  Try new things. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

“Boring” is soooo last year.  Shave only one armpit and wear nothing but tank tops all week.  You will be commended on your  free spirit and psychotically challenged awareness, you freak. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Be careful of the rings of gossip you fall into.  It’s never the one who starts the rumor that gets caught.  Watch your back. 

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Quote of the Week:   “The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.”

A Nation Must Rise and Ban Together: Death to Skinny Jeans!

A NATION MUST RISE AND BAN TOGETHER: DEATH TO SKINNY JEANS!

More_Skinny_JeansFellas, I certainly believe in fashion and staking claim in your own freedom of expression, but if there’s one thing that should be burned at the stake like a witch in Old Salem, it’s those mother-effin’ skinny jeans!  To put it simply, skinny jeans are evil.  They should be anointed with holy water and exorcised!  They are the devil incarnate.  They are ugly and stupid and just as painful to look at as they must be to wear. 

How was this wretched style ever inducted into the Urban Fashion Hall of Fame?  Better yet, why was it inducted?  There are some things that just shouldn’t catch on and these skinny ass jeans just happen to be one of them.  The only thing they should catch is ON FIRE! 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen guys walk the streets with jeans so tight, they can barely pull them over their ass.  This has got be the reverse of a female’s midriff.  There is nothing hard or masculine about any man in skinny jeans.  For that matter, there is nothing remotely masculine about a man insisting on showing his ass to the world.  If you were incarcerated, would you want to promote your ass the way you are imposing your skid marks on innocent by standers and passers bys on the city streets?  I think not. 

blogskinnyjeansFor the life of me, I can’t understand why some fellows are wearing them to the point of halted circulation.  Let’s be honest here, there is nothing more unflattering to the male body as these heathen denim slacks and anyone who believes otherwise should take a long nose dive off a short cliff.  I’ve rallied for various colors and styles and labels and looks, but the skinny jeans craze does not get my support.  In fact, I would sign my name on a petition five thousand times with a crayon if I thought it would bring this blunder to a screeching halt!  Alas I am but one voice.  My tears alone can not cry enough of a river to flush this trend downstream.  I beg of you, please stop this madness.  Take your skinny jeans and donate them to the starving children of Africa who are actually small enough to fit into them, thanks to the growing horrible pandemic known as kwashiorkor. 

I’ve taken the liberty to pull together a list of items that will help any man surpass this fashion faux pas and catapult himself into a higher realm of a respected level of fashion.  As you peruse this list, you will notice that the words “skinny jeans” are nowhere to be found.  This list is for mature young men, grown ups and any other male species who have some level of dignity and moral sense.  I am sick and tired and tired of being sick and tired of seeing Fruit-of-the-Looms bulge over the top of too tight jeans.  Should I see one more person attempt to pull off this look [and undoubtedly unsuccessfully I might add], I will pull out my sling shot and launch miniature torpedoes at their ass.  This will definitely give me greater pleasure than seeing their unmentionables in public.  Take heed and be warned, if I am nothing else, I am a man of my word. 

ALTERNATIVES TO SKINNY JEANS: 

Grow up and take style a little more seriously, please.  Following these rules below should save you the embarrassment of my wrath.

  1. Socks should match your pants. Easy as 1, 2, 3.
  2. Belts should match your shoes. Not every one is color blind like you.
  3. Never wear both a belt and suspenders. The combination makes you appear less confident – you big wuss.
  4. Your shoes should be clean.  Dirty shoes can ruin a nice outfit leaving you vulnerable to harsh and heavy insults.  Trust me. I’ll be the one doing the insulting!
  5. Don’t wear a short sleeve shirt in combination with a tie. Actually, never wear a short sleeve shirt period. People have the perception that short sleeve shirts are only worn by lower class people. You can wear one if you want to be a McDonald’s manager, but that’s about the only exception to the rule. 
  6. Wear the right size pants ok? This statement should be self explanatory however I am sure there is some moron out there who will overlook this very small detail.  If your pants are too long, you should be thrown into a dryer, body and all, until your clothes shrink to fit your body.  If your pants are too tight, then you are the person this whole article is all about. 
  7. Socks with Sandals. Even if you live in Maine, don’t do it – you’ll look like a schmuck and I’ll hunt you down and attack you with skunk spray.
  8. Chunky Shoes. Lose them, this is Earth, not the moon.
  9. Clashing or too many colors. Do you really want to look like a gay pride flag? Stick to complementary colors (those opposite from each other on the color wheel) or colors from the same pallet. You can find one on the web very easily by searching on Google!

With these thoughts in my mind, I invite you join with me in the rise of the death to the unforsaken skinny jean!   It is my solemn duty to spread the word!   

As always folks, stop on by and pay me a visit any time.  My door is always open, except in the morning before 11.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone that early, I’ll cut your ass!  I really will.    Until next time my little refurbished zebra hoofs.  I must bid you a fond farewell and remember 90% of any effort is getting started.   

Quote of the Week:    “Where humor is concerned there are no standards – no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.”

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