Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 7-13, 2010

The weekend has passed and Monday is here.  Good luck has left and bad luck is near.  There’s no need to worry about crappy lost hope.  Not when you have Hottywood’s HORRORscopes! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Make a wall of fame for your favorite underwear and look forward to a lot more date nights.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You may develop boils on your butt cheeks that may make it difficult to sit on a load of bullsh*t.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

If your armpits smell like French onion dip, jump off a bridge at high noon tomorrow.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If someone tells you how beautiful you look today, check your mirror for bugars as today is statistically proven to be a day for massive lies.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your best ideas are the ones everyone around you has ignored.  Pout now; gloat later.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The more you talk the more gas a buffalo passes.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

No one will remember your name until a toilet flushes.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Sweating scent-free hot chocolate is a key factor that your ass needs a damn bath.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Peeing with the door open will bring u good luck unless you’re a prison inmate.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Read the warning label on your next relationship. The side effects may keep you from having to operate heavy machinery while high.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The way things look now aren’t the way things looked then.  And the way things look now may not be the way things will look soon because sometimes things don’t always look like what they look like. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You are stubborn and bullheaded and give the worst advice unless you’re telling someone to shut the hell up.  You also fart the loudest out of a crowd of baked bean eaters.

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Quote of the Week:   “Liars begin by imposing upon others and end with deceiving only themselves.” 

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 15-21, 2010

If there’s one thing that you should always remember, it’s that “sh*t happens.”

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Don’t put all your energy into finding someone to love you if you haven’t mastered the art of loving yourself first. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

When one door closes, there’s always a brick to open a window.  …unless you’re a stalker — then this probably wouldn’t be a good idea.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Stop apologizing for not being who people want you to be and don’t be ashamed for not being who you should be.  More people than you think don’t care either way. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Taking on the mentality that you’re everyone’s type only labels you as a garden tool. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your pissy attitude will come back to haunt you the next time you have a one-night-stand with a farty old brillo pad wearing a bad hair piece. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Difficulties at work will cause you to punch a hole in a wall.  Ironically, talking to an irritating coworker will be like talking to a brick wall.  See where this is headed?

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

It’s time to act like the arrogant asshole everyone thinks you are.  If people are going to perceive you as something you’re not, you might as well give them what they want and have fun doing it. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

People will know you’re lying about your age by the number of rings around your stomach. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

When all else fails, bunjee jumping with a string of yarn is the next best thing.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Cursing is the best way to get your point across.  That, and a sharp wooden stick. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The only thing stronger than a mother’s love is onion breath. ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

By the time you finish reading this HORRORscope, a blond-haired smurf will be knocked up and not know who the father is. 

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Quote of the Week:   “An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.”

 

Pep Talk: This Too Shall Pass

I often preach that every day can’t be full of peaches and cream, and my days are no exception to the rule.  In fact, today in particular, seems to be the day when everyone wants to kick me while I’m down.  Today I’ve been talked about, lied on, challenged, rejected, and underestimated.  I gotta tell you, I don’t like this feeling.  I don’t like feeling like I’m in a constant battle with no army; feeling attacked and insecure.  Though I’m a firm believer in the motto, “THIS TOO SHALL PASS,” it ain’t over until it’s over.  And until it’s really over, the sh*t still hurts.     

Now I might feel a moment of defeat in this never-ending millisecond of a day but I’m pretty sure that when the right sized brick bounces off my noggin, reality will set in and I’ll regain my rightful place in the land of “F*ck Them All,”  …that is after the mild concussion subsides from that damn brick falling on my head.   

Even still, life is hard — some days moreso than others.  But ask yourself, “If it were easy, would it be worth it?”  I don’t think so.  My cowboy hat may not have the biggest brim and my jeans may not have the sharpest crease but I declare that the spurs on my boots are as sharp as they come and I’m still the fastest draw in the west! 

Listen; the truth of the matter is sometimes we have to get kicked – all of us, myself included.  It reminds us of how strong we are.  It also gives us a good enough reason to swing a monkey wrench.  Monkey wrenches come in handy for screwing up someone else’s plan and partaking in any form of revenge

I might feel bad now but it’s only for a moment.  A long moment but a moment nonetheless.  So keep kicking me, b*tches, so I can keep swinging this wrench!  I need the occasional reminder that my journey is worth the fight and nobody can protect me but me.  There may be nothing I don’t know but I don’t know everything.  [#Oxymoronism at its best.]  What I do know is when the troops are no longer standing behind me, I have the biggest weapon of them all watching over me from on high.  And I dare anyone to challenge that.  

As long as I’m focused on my goal, strong in my faith and have $4.55 in my pocket to buy some chicken wings when this emotional moment has passed, I’m good.  No…I’m great!  I’m blessed.  Sometimes it’s hard to remember that when times are at their lowest peak it makes the end result so much more worth the victory dance.  The best part of remembering the good news is that 90% of any effort is getting started.  

Hey, even a man with all the answers needs a little pep talk from time to time.  And I have no problem talking to myself because I am my own best listener and I make the best sense to me. 

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Quote of the week:   “Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death.”

What Doesn’t Kill Us Makes Us Stronger…Or Lucky

Let’s face it – it’s not always easy to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and move forward after soaking in a bad situation.  After dealing with the initial hits, the consequences and the post emotions, you’re pretty much left wiped out – exhausted from the energy it took to endure all the petty bullsh*t and drama.  The good news is if the situation didn’t kill you then it left you stronger.  What the hell does that mean, you may wonder?  It means you’ll be ready for the next time a situation gets rough, tough and down right seemingly impossible to deal with.  But when you’re stuck in one of those ditches, there’s one thing that you can remember that Hottywood strongly believes: NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!  

If you find yourself trapped in a sticky moment and you’re not too sure how you’re going to make it through, there are a few things that you can do to help put your mind at ease.  They may not all be easy, but nothing in life worth having is easy.  After all, if we don’t experience those sh*tty moments, how can we ever appreciate the few good ones?   Sit back, relax, listen and learn.  It’s time for Hottywood to school the clueless.  

To pull through a tough situation, you can always: 

Stop, take a seat and take a load off.  You’d be surprised at how much relief you’d feel mentally if you just release some of the sh*t back into the atmosphere. 

…not to mention how much better you’re gonna feel after that cramp in your stomach dissipates. 

…I’m  just saying. 

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Run, smack into a wall – head first.  If the impact of your face hitting the wall doesn’t completely kill you, you’ll get a sufficient amount of rest in the hospital as doctors and nurses watch over you carefully while you slumber deeply in a coma. 

That’s one way to get away from it all…just don’t go into the light. 

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Chicken wings always works when the world is against you.  Preferably cooked.   If you’re a vegetarian, how much worse off can you be eating meat than you are playing the crappy hand that life has dealt you? 

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Sometimes just saying “No,” is not an option. 

Drink until your face explodes.  Nothing says, “I feel better” more than an oversized cup of 80 proof! 

CAUTION: The pain you may feel in your heart may move into your head after a big gulp of non-virgin.

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Never underestimate the power of a giant slingshot.  It can either be your greatest weapon or your greatest chance of a quick escape!   If you choose to go the ‘slingshot as a weapon’ route, make sure you’re fully loaded with a shopping bag full of fresh puppy poop. 

I’ll let your imagination run wild with this one…

Ready.  Aim.  FIRE! 

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Put any form of aluminum on your forehead for a better brain reception.  You’re bound to come up with a brilliant idea. 

Note:  This may not be one of them.  

…but if it works for a television set, why not?

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Punching — my personal fave — always works!  If you can’t punch someone else, you might as well knock your own daylights out.  

Believe me, this will probably be easier than dealing with some of the blows that people can throw at you,  just not as much fun. 

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Whatever you choose to do to get yourself out of or over a bad situation is entirely up to you.  Whether that choice is kicking, screaming, bunjee jumping off the side of a extra tall street curb or gunning yourself down with a semi-automatic water gun, it’s not that hard to get away from it all.  The key to a great escape is creativity.  The lock is reality.  Either way 90% of any effort is getting started.  You can thank your lucky stars for that.   But don’t rely on luck too much because if nothing else, luck can be a real bitch.

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Quote of the week:   “Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 18-24, 2010

Welcome to this week’s edition of Hottywood’s HORRORscopes.  This is your chance to find out what effects your smelly socks will have on the universe and where your disposition ranks you among those people who pretend not to judge you.  Are you ready?  Well if you aren’t, that’s what I’m here for.  Why?  Because Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Contrary to popular belief, eavesdropping is not a skill.  It’s a warrant for a straight up ass whooping. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anything anyone says to you will go in one ear and out the other because there’s nothing blocking the traffic. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Your back hair resembles yak fur. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If walls could talk, your freaky ass would be in a world of trouble. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Someone is itching to slap the sh*t out of you – and we’re not talking about on the ass. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

That mole hiding underneath your pubic hair is not really a mole at all.  It’s time for a second opinion. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You may be lucky enough for someone to forgive your ignorance this week but don’t put all your eggs in one basket.   

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Foreplay for you means having someone clip your toenails before sex. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You will be visited by the ghost of a public restroom on the 3rd day of the 4th week during the 15th minute of the last hour of the day. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

That thing you want to get off your chest is probably just a boil. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You should consider slipping into something more comfortable for the lover who’s not that interested in you – like a coma.    

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Borrow $.50 from anyone who feels sorry for you and buy yourself a personality. 

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Quote of the Week:      “A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.”