Don’t Talk, Just Listen

ON THIS DAY 5 YEARS AGO….


When is it permissible to say something when you have nothing nice to say?   Is it when someone cuts you off on the freeway?  Or when a person dismisses your conversation to monopolize the conversation about them?   What about if someone farts at the dinner table or if their pinky toenail is splitting through the leather of their shoes?

If you’re anything like me, you’re smart enough to know that that golden rule your mother taught you about knowing when to shut up does not apply to every situation.  Sometimes the best thing to say is the worst thing possible.  No one is that reserved.  Well, maybe nuns are but I’ve met my share of nuns who secretly had red-dyed habits stashed away somewhere in their dank little rooms.  But that’s a horse of a different color.

The point is ‘speaking your mind’ has somehow gotten lost in the travels of time.  It’s seen as and/or defined as being rude or inconsiderate.  You know what I say about that?  Hog wash!   Speaking when you have nothing nice to say is a term of endearment for all parties involved.

To the person who has nothing nice to say — let it out.  Your evil, petty and maybe even vindictive expressions may very well shed light on the listening victim’s inner ego, bad fashion sense, hygiene or overall being, for that matter.  You could also be inadvertently reminding someone how much they don’t want to be like you – insulting, abrupt, coarse, disrespectful, impolite, scurrilous or just down right rude.

To the person who is targeted by someone else’s discourteous comments, this is your opportunity to learn.  Channel your inner Sponge Bob and absorb the annotations whether ill-intended or jokingly.  If you need to cut your toenails, perm your split ends or not forget to wash all the important parts of your body, it’s better to hear it now and stop prolonging what inevitably needs to change for you to be less more of a gotdamn shame.

And finally, to the people who are sitting around listening to this sh*t, you have to admire the humor.  The nerve of some people!

Ladies and gentleman, guys, gals, cats and kittens – stop being so damn politically correct and just release into the atmosphere that which is clogging your better sense of morals and manners.  Speak up!  That’s what our lips are for.  They serve a purpose.  Truth.  Justice.  Humor.


Quote of the week:   “Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.”

Job Vacancy Announcement

Position Title:  Personal Flunky II

Company/Contact:  Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions, Anywhere I Need You To Be, USA

Salary:  Peanuts & Bubble Gum (if you’re lucky)

Closing Date:   When the damn job is filled. Duh.

The Position:  Flunky will scratch/kiss reporting supervisors’ ass(es), jump on demand, and serve as personal jackass to CEO, CFO, President, VP, Assistant to the Assistant Administrative Assistant and Janitor of Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions.  

Minimum Qualifications: One year of experience equivalent to jackass/dumb ass or two years of experience equivalent to a nobody that’s looking to be recognized for something…anything.  A Bachelor’s degree from a notable clown college or 1 year experience as an unfortunate milk crate eviction target.  Applicant will not speak unless spoken to, have no spine, no personal goals, no opinion, no friends, no life, no drama, and no chance of amounting to anything more than a talentless schmuck seeking approval from anyone who could give two sh!ts less about them.  Must be willing to rob banks and/or hold up liquor stores, work for peanuts, bubble gum (generic) and saltine cracker crumbs.  Must have strong feet or wheels on ankles (a lot of walking is required) and able to lift objects 15 lbs or greater (applicant will lift his/her ego off the floor frequently). 

Special Selection Factors:  Employment is contingent on the passing of a medical/physical examination. Must be able to work week-ends, rotating shifts and holidays as required, commanded, demanded and expected. Employment is contingent upon successful completion of a pre-employment alcohol/drug test. The test is to determine the presence of alcohol and/or illegal drugs, unauthorized prescription drugs.

Physical Abilities: Must be healthier than a dying willow tree, able to go without food and beverage for extended periods of time and maintain a high level of low self esteem. 

Preference:  Bilingual (English/Pig Latin/Ebonics) speaking skills. Physically unable to say “No.”

How to Apply:  Submit a professional resume (or something close to it) to:

Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions, 000 ½ N. Nowhere Street, 3rd Floor Basement, Anywhere I Need You To Be, USA  20101-0001   

NO PHONE OR FAX SUBMISSIONS

*As a condition of employment, employees are required upon hire to sign a drug-free workplace agreement, though duties may include getting some green from Pookie & ‘em at employer’s request.

*Following an offer of employment, and prior to starting work, individuals must have a pre-employment drug test by a physician designated by Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions. The examination will be paid for out of applicant’s pocket (Cash only. Peanuts and bubble gum not accepted).  Refusal or inability to pay for the exam will result in automatic disqualification of application consideration. 

Note:  If applicant has additional questions, don’t bother to ask.  Employers of Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions don’t care and won’t listen.  Hired applicant will serve LHCPP, not the other way around.

The Church Sees Red When the Choir Sings the Blues

Is it legal to talk about your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ when it comes to them getting up on the microphone to completely butcher a song on Sunday morning? Seriously, who is more at fault – the soloist for thinking they can sing when they sound more like they’re being attacked; the director/pianist for encouraging the soloist to open their mouth to do anything except eat; or the congregation for hollering and throwing their hands up in deceitful praise when they know what they’re really doing is praying for a miracle for the good Lord to send “mute buttons” down from heaven?

Whether you can actually sing or simply look pretty in a choir robe, church is the one place where it’s acceptable for you to make an ass out of yourself. Unlike the karaoke bar, no drunken lushes will boo you off the stage. Well, it kind of depends on what church you go to but that’s a whole other story. Church is the one place where you simply can not tell everyone what’s on your mind unless you have a biblical reference to back up your comments. And let’s be honest, where is the scripture for telling someone they sound a melodic mess?

Regardless of whether you’re sitting in the congregation with bleeding ears or with heavy eyes, your responsibility as a follower of your faith is to put on the cloak of mendacity for the sake of your fellow man. Sadly when church is over and that same musical monstrosity has approached you just beyond church grounds to ask how you enjoyed the selection(s), as a faith fellow church goer, you must swallow your burning cigarette butt, put your hand over your heart and lie like the devil as you tell Bro. or Sr. So & So that when they opened their mouth, rocks Angels fell from heaven. Whatever you do, just be cognizant of the weather when you begin lying through the gaps between your teeth. Rain, lightning bolts and the magnetic metal tip on the top of your umbrella will be God’s funny little way of saying, “The jokes on you.”

Always remember, lying to encouraging people is not that hard. All it takes is a little effort. Thank goodness 90% of any effort is getting started. The rest of your bullsh*t will flow like the River of Jordan.

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Quote of the week:  “A church is a place in which gentlemen that have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.”

Fast Food Restaurants: Shape Up or Get Burned Down

There are two things that I’m afraid of – snakes and the people who take my order in any fast food drive-thru; not necessarily in that order. 
 
I don’t know if it’s just me, but it seems that every person who stands in that window has some sort of a noticeable defect.  Either their lips are chapped, their hair is unkempt or they have the personality of a hooded cobra.  
 
These window workers are bringing down the face value of their fine bleach-scented establishments.  They are causing us hard working, grease lovers to resort to – dare I say – dieting!  We are resorting to bringing our own lunches to work because there is no longer any appreciation for all of us paying customers and the service we expect.  We do not pay to hear teeth sucking, employee rants and the events of last evening.  We do not pay for eye rolling, bad armpit odor or smart ass comments.  We are paying for good food, good service and part of the mean ass employees’ paycheck. 
 
There is something to be said for good manners, even as the rules of social behavior apply to a drive-thru.  For example, what’s with the chick in the drive-thru window with the attitude problem?  You know who I’m talking about – the girl who chews her gum like a cow or barely gives you any eye contact.   The girl who gets offended because she can’t hear her cell phone conversation through her Bluetooth because you’re too busy trying to place an order.  Heaven forbid you change your order or check your bag to make sure everything’s accurate. 
 
Attention fast food manager: this girl and anyone like her should be fired!   She is the reason why most Americans find working in a fast food chain so revolting and demoralizing.   She epitomizes the paid non-worker, the underachiever, the trailer park prom queen and the home girl with the oversized gold-plated earrings.   This is the girl to beware of.   She is the one who will give you a sudden urge to raise your voice or drag her through the window by her dull, worn-out hair weave, all because she missed that very important class on good customer service.  
 
I say it’s time for fast food chains of the world to revert back to the olden days when drive-thrus were respected for their chic and hip idea of good quality service.   Customers now-a-days would appreciate a little service with a smile as they face an economic crisis, heavy workloads and supervisors who really need to get laid.   Bring back the days when Ronald McDonald strolled the grounds of McDonald’s waving happily at children while wearing his signature floppy red shoes and that ridiculously hideous yellow onesy.   Get rid of that scary ass Burger King mascot who looks more like the puppet from the horror film “Saw” and give us an image that will not haunt us after we’ve closed our eyes for the night.   

We, paying customers of the world, refuse to lie down and accept that you’ve run out of French fries or that your milkshake machine is out of order.   We will no longer accept the incompetence of trainees during the lunch rush.   You have somehow managed to crap all over the integrity of the fast food franchise that began way back as early as the 1930’s.  Our voices will be heard!  
 
So guys and gals, the next time your neighborhood fast food window teller crosses your muddy path with spiked heels, don’t yell at her.   Don’t curse at her.   Don’t even argue with her.   This way you’ll have a bit of assurance that she won’t spit in your food or wipe your hamburger patty on the side of the deep fryer.   Instead, take your car and drive it through the window.  If that doesn’t work, throw up the deuce sign and drive off.  No no no…of course I wouldn’t advise that you let it go that easily.  Make sure you return after-hours, when the business has closed for the night and burn that sucker to the ground!  Lighters are sold at the $1 Store and comes in a pack of five.  
 
I hope something that I’ve said has sparked you to stand up for your right to demand extra fries when a disgruntled fast food employee gives you a hard time for being more successful than they are.   Someone else’s ignorance should not be your hindrance.   If you don’t get those extra fries, crawl across the counter and go get them yourself!   
 
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Quote of the week:    “The journey of a thousand pounds begins with a single burger.”


 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 30-November 5, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You have more nerves than Idaho has potatoes, still someone will find your last one and get on it.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your ego wouldn’t be so big if you wore your credit score on your sleeve.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The language of love begins and ends with the word, “bitch.” Use it with well intent and at your own risk.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

This pay period, the amount of dollars in your checking account will be the same as your shoe size.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The first punch doesn’t have to be the last lick.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Beware of a ham dressed in turkey’s clothes.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

To feel your best, spend more time today telling other people what to do.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

There’s no better day than today to try a bacon-wrapped chocolate donut.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A drunk wino with skin of wrinkled leather will flash you at the bus stop. Oddly, you may enjoy it.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today you are overly cheerful and peppy. You are the morning person someone wants to pour hot coffee all over. Watch your back.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone new is going to steal your thunder. Bribe everyone you know to stay on your side.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Luck would have you to get stuck in an elevator with the president, vice president and secretary of the Deodorant is for Wimps Foundation.

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Quote of the week:    “’Give a man a match and he’ll be warm for a minute. Set him on fire and he’ll probably burn to death.’ This proverb is perhaps the exception to the rule that beggars can’t be choosers.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 23-29, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The definition of a good psychiatrist is a bartender that pours without a spout.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Something special will happen in the next 48 hours if you go to the nearest Dunkin Donuts and lick all the sugar off the powdered donuts.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are going to regret burning a bridge when your ass is being chased by a pack of dogs.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your next secret admirer will be an ex-con who went to jail for burning down a diner in Arkansas because his eggs were too runny.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Be careful of the ditch you dig for someone else. That very ditch may have your name written all over it.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Instead of finding a $1 bill on the ground, good luck will have you find a small bottle of butt spray. What you do with it is up to you.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

An absent minded man should keep a hanger in the back seat just in case he locks his keys in the car.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

For the next 12 hours spell everything you have to say letter by letter.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It doesn’t make sense to bring sand to the beach.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Start each conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be the last time, I dunno.”

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

That little guy that turns your refrigerator light on and off is about to quit.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

What’s the difference between a cheapskate and you?  One of you eats Cornflakes with a fork.

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Quote of the week:   “When listing the toppings you want on your next pizza, include another pizza.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 16-22, 2011

Some people have problems they never address and are just as screwed up as everyone else.  Luckily for them I take time to invest real talk for real people. 

~ Love, Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The problem is wherever you go, there you are. Sometimes you need to get away from yourself.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Just because you’re in the house doesn’t mean you’re home.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The older you get, the better you get…unless you’re a banana.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The greatest room in the world is the room for improvement.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You know it’s been a long night when the bags under your eyes hang low enough for your entire head to fall in. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Hell is full of people with good intentions.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

On any morning that ends in the letter “y,” the only thing that stands between you and a federal charge is a cup of coffee.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A stopped clock is right twice a day.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If someone had to describe you in five words or less, those words would be, “The sheep that cried wolf.”

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you’ve made it again.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If looks could kill…well, never mind. 

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Quote of the week:  “If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.”

This Week’s Top Three Pet Peeves That Really Pisses People Off

Kats & Kittens, it’s time for a review of this week’s top three pet peeves.  

Over the course of the last few months, we’ve discussed everything from bad fashions to people that frustratingly monopolizes conversations with uninteresting chatter.  Today we will pin-point three of the most annoying crap on the face of the planet (this week).  In all honesty, there’s so many things that people do to annoy the hell of their neighbor that it’s kind of hard to narrow down the list to only three.  But if there’s anything that I’m not, it’s a quitter!  So sit back, grab a fattening soft drink and see if you agree with this week’s top three most annoying annoyances.  

Cheap people… 

The list begins with all those cheap asses who insist on putting a price tag on absolutely any and everything.  The first question that immediately comes to mind when running into these cheapskates is, “What the hell?”  Obviously, no one ever bothered to warn these folks that cheap people don’t get invited to parties, mainly because whoever invites them knows they are going to show up empty-handed and will most likely, no doubt, leave with a doggy bag.  They don’t have very many friends because everyone knows a cheap person is too tight on a dollar, so hanging out will likely be reduced to free fun, like the zoo, which of course is the last place a person wants to go when it’s five degrees outside or raining hard enough to mimic a baby tsunami.  The same theory applies to the dating game.  A cheap person will take you to the lowest starred restaurant on the map, or will buy you the most useless and inexpensive presents during the holidays or any other special occasion if, of course, they muster up enough change to buy you anything at all.  

“A house of delusion is cheap to build but drafty to live in.”

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 Rude drivers… 

Pulling up the rear to cheap-ass people are drivers that have no consideration for other drivers…and no, we aren’t referring specifically to cab drivers.  Though they are probably THE worst drivers in the world (next to Washington DC subway train conductors), everyone expects them to be lousy drivers.  Instead we are talking about folks who aren’t exactly smart enough to be paid for their bad driving.  For example, aggressive drivers who cross lanes without using a turn signal; or drivers who refuse to let you cross lanes even though your turn signal has been on since you started your car in your home drive-way; or drivers that drive about 90mph just before coming to a sudden stop for a speed bump; or drivers that pick their nose while looking inside their nostrils in the rear-view mirror instead of focusing on the family of ducks crossing the street; or drivers who drive slower than my Aunt Edna’s bowel movements; or drivers that practice profane road rage just before Sunday worship service; or drivers that blast their music so loud they can’t hear the horns blowing behind them or the people screaming for their lives in front of them; or new drivers; or even worse – old drivers.  You all drive me crazy!    

“Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.” 

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 People that live in the past…

Rounding out the list of this week’s top three pet peeves are people that live in the past.  I’m talking about people that have lusted after, fantasized about, pined over, stalked, and/or harped about the person you were years prior to the person you are today.  People that are in love with a memory of someone they once knew versus falling in love with the new person you have become.  Those people that want you to entertain their life long fantasies about what could have been or what once was instead of the reality of what is now.  Those folks must have left their brains in the past if they think that nothing has changed since the passing of about a hundred million full moons.  

Now that I think about it though, I guess it wouldn’t be fair to limit this peeve to only those folks who are hallucinogenic about their feelings and emotions.  We could, should and will apply this one to those persons who refuse to let go of past grudges about some off the wall, unimportant crap that nobody no longer cares about.  

“There’s no future in living in the past.” 

 

 

 

 

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 9-14, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Grape soda is not considered a sexy body fragrance. It should be, but sadly it’s not.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You are multi-talented enough to talk and piss people off at the same time.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Are you good looking from afar or far from good looking?

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your handle on life is like the handle of a cheap handbag.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You don’t lack in the power of speech. You lack in the power of conversation.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way. Wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You won’t find a man alive who has ever complained about a faulty parachute.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

There are three people that live in this world: People who make things happen, people who watch things happen and people who ask what happened.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

“Always” and “never” are two words you should always remember never to use.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A sharp tongue can kill without a knife.

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Quote of the week:   “It takes one day to destroy that which took one hundred years to build.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 25-October 1, 2011

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

There’s nothing better or worse than getting what you asked for.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Don’t be surprised to discover that a list full of rules that don’t apply to you doesn’t exist.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

All that self-promotion you’re doing will be seen as false advertisement if you’re not careful.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

If you can answer the question of what a crazy person, an empty stomach, and an unpaid electric bill all have in common, a three-legged puppy will be born with four legs and ½ a nose.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You have six months to mind your own business and six months to stop minding everyone else’s. You do the math.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You have not lived unless you’ve almost died inside a room full of people who decide to release farts that explode like balloons full of meat all at the same time.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

For the next 72 hours you are challenged to be the person you pretend to be on Facebook and Twitter.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Today you need to go far, far away. That is all.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If ever there were a time for your phone to turn into a skateboard, it would be today.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

In your next life, you will return as an encyclopedia salesman located somewhere deep in a small Bolivian village, cursed with the taste of stale bread on your tongue.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Today’s a good of a day as any to expose yourself in public.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If all of your exes are trying to get back with you all of a sudden, don’t get your hopes up. It’s just a confirmation that summer’s over.

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Quote of the week:   “You can lead a fool to wisdom, but you can’t make him think.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 18-24, 2011

Here we are to you know when and what happens now is better than what happened then. Although sh*t will happen much if it could, it’ll all be all right with some insight from Hottywood.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Covering one lie with another is like covering bad meat with gravy.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Every Pizza Hut across the country will have a shortage of dough, limiting your menu choices to a cup of cheese & an IOU.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You’ve had a rough night if the reflection in your mirror looks like Flavor Flav.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Out of seven billion people on the planet, no one has any business chasing after the one who doesn’t want to be caught.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

An obese midget named Bertha is going to flirt with you right after her jazzercize class while still wearing a thong leotard.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The common denominator of five failed relationships is you.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The reason why people keep asking you where you’re going is because they know the places you’ve been.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

People who speak out of their ass talk a lot of sh*t.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Slapping a McDonald’s cashier is unethical and probably illegal, but arguably therapeutic.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Finding the love of your life is easier than you think if you show a little chest hair and butt fat.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You feel slow and sleepy today, and that could mean that you’re finding it harder than usual to pay attention. In other words today is no different than any other day.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

When speaking to people today, let your eyes do the talking. Yellow teeth is a conversation distraction.

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Quote of the week:   “If you think too much about the past, you’ll never be able to look to the future.”

Payback is a Bitch!

Kats and kittens, it’s time for us to sit our fat asses down for a minute to mean-mug those folks who take advantage of other people.  We don’t even really need to discuss a particular band of abusers but we’ll name them so they will know we’re on to them and are against their bullsh*t.  

The Offenders:  

Non-debt paying money borrowers; the folks who only call when they need/want something; the people who stand you up for dates and then make it seem like you were at fault; the folks who monopolize a conversation; the folks who monopolizes a conversation with talk of only themselves; supervisors and coworkers that can’t do their own work; Chinese carry outs that constantly change their menu prices based on the class of their customers; delivery guys that automatically take their tips and delivery fees out of the customer’s total charge and still expect an extra tip after they’ve made you walk to their car to pick up your food; meter maids that dish out tickets in an effort to fill some stupid quota; parents that don’t pay babysitters and day care centers; banks that charge $2.50-$3.95 surcharges for ATM usage; the IRS; the federal government; preachers that use the Lord’s name to cover up their sins; hustlers that charge $20 for a $10 bag; oil and gas companies; booty callers that think you’re good enough for a f*ck but not good enough for a relationship; nightclubs that allow ladies to get in free before midnight but charge fellas full price coverage all damn night; Facebookers and Tweeters who use the social networks to direct message some form of perversion; all Popeyes food chains that overcharge for their delicious, greasy chicken; family members that believe you owe them because of your blood relation; neighbors that borrow your electrical socket(s) when they don’t pay their electric bill; pimps; cab drivers; the DC metro rail system; the cost of city tourism; the $.99 store that charges a 6% tax charge, blatantly discrediting the store’s self entitled name; backstabbing BFFs; anyone that never has any money but always wants to go out to eat; friends that always need a ride somewhere but never offer any gas money; and Lindsay Lohan.  

These repeat offenders are able to get away with their shenanigans because we let them.  I am to here to take a stand and speak for those persons who are constantly taken advantage of by those people that think we’re too dumb to know what the hell they are doing.  

You offenders must stop this foolishness!  The world is too small and life is too short to be bombarded with the outrage of your sick, selfish and imprudent ways.  You have managed to take somebody’s kindness for weakness and therefore reserved your front row seat to a back alley beat down and have been placed on a waiting list for a quick journey straight to hell, and all those people who would not allow themselves to tell you “hell no” will do nothing less than take pride in watching karma bite you in the ass.  You may think you’re getting away with some slick sh*t, but let Hottywood be the one to tell you that every shut eye isn’t sleep.  Change your ways or change your zip code because today the change has come.  

#ThatIsAll

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Quote of the week:   “Nothing is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”    

 

 

 

 

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 11-17, 2011

Monday is here.  Now what are you going to do when on a silver platter bad luck is served to you?  You may run and you may scream but when you’re wide awake it’s hard to wake up from a bad dream.  Lucky for you humor is what I do best.  When the odds are against you, Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The root of all evil begins in the stall of a public bathroom.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

It’s not exactly a compliment if the only thing anyone remembers about you is the ash on your elbows.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A wise and arguably jealous ugly person once said, “good looks aren’t enough.”

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

At the end of the week you may find the love of your life begging for change in front of a liquor store, which will either challenge or question your definition of “the love of your life.”

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

In everyone’s life there is a teacher who can be bribed with lunch.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Someone with CRS (Can’t Remember Sh*t) Syndrome will forget they cursed you out. Because of their condition you are in store for a second curse out for the first time again.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Underwear filled with cat hair causes great irritation in two of the most sensitive areas on your body.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

An imaginary friend will put you in your place because a real friend won’t have the nerve to do it.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach is not intuition.  It’s a gas bubble. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You will almost find a psychic romantic partner, but they will leave you before you meet. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Scratching your head is a great vacation from scratching your ass.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Imitation is a form of flattery after it stops being creepy and unimaginative.

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Quote of the week:  “Everyone has a purpose in life, even if it’s to serve as a bad example.” 

Conversation Hogs Really Stink

Boys and girls of the class, raise your hand if you find it not quite so funny when a friend, associate or even someone you couldn’t care any less about seems to work their personal problems into a conversation with you, in hopes that you’d ask them what’s wrong.  

This act is done by a lot of people and overlooked by many.  It goes unnoticed because it’s one of those things no one actually stops to pay attention to, needless to say except the person who keeps working their issues into the convo.  The subtle remarks are carefully inserted into related [and sometimes unrelated] subject matters and seemingly come out of nowhere, yet make the biggest silent impact on the person who’s forced to hear it and care even less than they did when the situation remained cohort.    

This may come as a shock to some, but the truth of the matter is more people than you’d think could give a sh*t about your problems because everyone on the planet has problems of their own, so if no one asks you what’s wrong after the fiftieth time you’ve griped about your uninteresting predicament, it’s pretty much common knowledge that no one really cares.  Stop imposing and stop whining.  Just stop because the person you’re buzzing up has long since stopped listening.  The only person who can get away with speaking without actually saying anything is the teacher on “Charlie Brown,” and after a while even a viewer changes the channel.  

If you want someone to know what the hell’s going on with you, tell them.  Don’t beat around the bush.  Don’t drop not-so-subtle hints.  Don’t be slick with it.  Most people aren’t going to jump into your business willingly and consciously because they don’t want to be blamed for any dumb decisions you make. Most people aren’t going to comment on your issues because you’ve probably spit out the answers to your own questions anyway.  Most people are probably going to look straight through you in an effort to see the nearest “Exit” sign hanging somewhere behind you.  However if you’re not careful, one day you’re going to come up against someone that isn’t like most people.  And that person will willingly listen to you gloat about the stupidity and/or humdrum that is your life and will turn around and do one or all of the following:  (1) Tell you the truth – something you probably don’t want to hear; (2) Tell you, “so what?” – something else that you probably don’t want to hear; or (3) Tell any and everyone all about your business – and in case you didn’t know, your dirt sounds way more interesting coming from someone who isn’t you. The problem is words get twisted when they are spoken from someone else’s lips.  But because you insist on monopolizing an unwarranted conversation with someone who blatantly doesn’t give a rat’s ass, that’s just the price you have to pay.  Whether you learn a lesson or not isn’t anyone else’s problem but your own.  On the other hand as we stay true to the subject of this post, that last statement goes in one ear and right out of the other.  

If I were to tell you that 90% of any effort is getting started, I’d most likely be referring to you learning when to shut up. 

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Quote of the week:  “Some people talk a whole lot about nothing because it’s the only thing they know anything about.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 4-10, 2011

Labor Day may bring a day off but the fate of one’s luck never rests. And out of the many horoscopes and palm readers there are, no one warns you better than Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You may be a fool many times but don’t be the same fool twice.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Prepare for battle. A small tribe of pimples is in search of a place to colonize somewhere on your face.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Not rising to the level of expectation is the estranged sibling to falling to the level of training.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your next door neighbor is not a person. It is a looped recording of a barking dog, a radio station full of static and a cell phone that belches every time it rings.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Victory is reserved for those who are willing to pay its price.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

No one believes your under clothes were beige when you first bought them.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

No good comes to one that is ignorant of both himself and is enemy.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Good fortune will find its way to you tomorrow morning at 11:52 if at that exact moment you drop your pants and run around in circles as if your hair is on fire.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If you can win first and then go to battle, you know something that everyone else doesn’t.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

It’s bad luck for your kisses to taste like the backside of a pair of boxer briefs.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

There are three steps in the process of a mistake. The first is making it. The second is realizing it, and the third is finding someone else to blame it on.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You might as well stand and fight because if you run, you only die tired.

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Quote of the week:   “No mind not thinks no thoughts about no things.”