Don’t Talk, Just Listen

ON THIS DAY 5 YEARS AGO….


When is it permissible to say something when you have nothing nice to say?   Is it when someone cuts you off on the freeway?  Or when a person dismisses your conversation to monopolize the conversation about them?   What about if someone farts at the dinner table or if their pinky toenail is splitting through the leather of their shoes?

If you’re anything like me, you’re smart enough to know that that golden rule your mother taught you about knowing when to shut up does not apply to every situation.  Sometimes the best thing to say is the worst thing possible.  No one is that reserved.  Well, maybe nuns are but I’ve met my share of nuns who secretly had red-dyed habits stashed away somewhere in their dank little rooms.  But that’s a horse of a different color.

The point is ‘speaking your mind’ has somehow gotten lost in the travels of time.  It’s seen as and/or defined as being rude or inconsiderate.  You know what I say about that?  Hog wash!   Speaking when you have nothing nice to say is a term of endearment for all parties involved.

To the person who has nothing nice to say — let it out.  Your evil, petty and maybe even vindictive expressions may very well shed light on the listening victim’s inner ego, bad fashion sense, hygiene or overall being, for that matter.  You could also be inadvertently reminding someone how much they don’t want to be like you – insulting, abrupt, coarse, disrespectful, impolite, scurrilous or just down right rude.

To the person who is targeted by someone else’s discourteous comments, this is your opportunity to learn.  Channel your inner Sponge Bob and absorb the annotations whether ill-intended or jokingly.  If you need to cut your toenails, perm your split ends or not forget to wash all the important parts of your body, it’s better to hear it now and stop prolonging what inevitably needs to change for you to be less more of a gotdamn shame.

And finally, to the people who are sitting around listening to this sh*t, you have to admire the humor.  The nerve of some people!

Ladies and gentleman, guys, gals, cats and kittens – stop being so damn politically correct and just release into the atmosphere that which is clogging your better sense of morals and manners.  Speak up!  That’s what our lips are for.  They serve a purpose.  Truth.  Justice.  Humor.


Quote of the week:   “Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.”

Job Vacancy Announcement

Position Title:  Personal Flunky II

Company/Contact:  Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions, Anywhere I Need You To Be, USA

Salary:  Peanuts & Bubble Gum (if you’re lucky)

Closing Date:   When the damn job is filled. Duh.

The Position:  Flunky will scratch/kiss reporting supervisors’ ass(es), jump on demand, and serve as personal jackass to CEO, CFO, President, VP, Assistant to the Assistant Administrative Assistant and Janitor of Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions.  

Minimum Qualifications: One year of experience equivalent to jackass/dumb ass or two years of experience equivalent to a nobody that’s looking to be recognized for something…anything.  A Bachelor’s degree from a notable clown college or 1 year experience as an unfortunate milk crate eviction target.  Applicant will not speak unless spoken to, have no spine, no personal goals, no opinion, no friends, no life, no drama, and no chance of amounting to anything more than a talentless schmuck seeking approval from anyone who could give two sh!ts less about them.  Must be willing to rob banks and/or hold up liquor stores, work for peanuts, bubble gum (generic) and saltine cracker crumbs.  Must have strong feet or wheels on ankles (a lot of walking is required) and able to lift objects 15 lbs or greater (applicant will lift his/her ego off the floor frequently). 

Special Selection Factors:  Employment is contingent on the passing of a medical/physical examination. Must be able to work week-ends, rotating shifts and holidays as required, commanded, demanded and expected. Employment is contingent upon successful completion of a pre-employment alcohol/drug test. The test is to determine the presence of alcohol and/or illegal drugs, unauthorized prescription drugs.

Physical Abilities: Must be healthier than a dying willow tree, able to go without food and beverage for extended periods of time and maintain a high level of low self esteem. 

Preference:  Bilingual (English/Pig Latin/Ebonics) speaking skills. Physically unable to say “No.”

How to Apply:  Submit a professional resume (or something close to it) to:

Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions, 000 ½ N. Nowhere Street, 3rd Floor Basement, Anywhere I Need You To Be, USA  20101-0001   

NO PHONE OR FAX SUBMISSIONS

*As a condition of employment, employees are required upon hire to sign a drug-free workplace agreement, though duties may include getting some green from Pookie & ‘em at employer’s request.

*Following an offer of employment, and prior to starting work, individuals must have a pre-employment drug test by a physician designated by Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions. The examination will be paid for out of applicant’s pocket (Cash only. Peanuts and bubble gum not accepted).  Refusal or inability to pay for the exam will result in automatic disqualification of application consideration. 

Note:  If applicant has additional questions, don’t bother to ask.  Employers of Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions don’t care and won’t listen.  Hired applicant will serve LHCPP, not the other way around.

The Church Sees Red When the Choir Sings the Blues

Is it legal to talk about your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ when it comes to them getting up on the microphone to completely butcher a song on Sunday morning? Seriously, who is more at fault – the soloist for thinking they can sing when they sound more like they’re being attacked; the director/pianist for encouraging the soloist to open their mouth to do anything except eat; or the congregation for hollering and throwing their hands up in deceitful praise when they know what they’re really doing is praying for a miracle for the good Lord to send “mute buttons” down from heaven?

Whether you can actually sing or simply look pretty in a choir robe, church is the one place where it’s acceptable for you to make an ass out of yourself. Unlike the karaoke bar, no drunken lushes will boo you off the stage. Well, it kind of depends on what church you go to but that’s a whole other story. Church is the one place where you simply can not tell everyone what’s on your mind unless you have a biblical reference to back up your comments. And let’s be honest, where is the scripture for telling someone they sound a melodic mess?

Regardless of whether you’re sitting in the congregation with bleeding ears or with heavy eyes, your responsibility as a follower of your faith is to put on the cloak of mendacity for the sake of your fellow man. Sadly when church is over and that same musical monstrosity has approached you just beyond church grounds to ask how you enjoyed the selection(s), as a faith fellow church goer, you must swallow your burning cigarette butt, put your hand over your heart and lie like the devil as you tell Bro. or Sr. So & So that when they opened their mouth, rocks Angels fell from heaven. Whatever you do, just be cognizant of the weather when you begin lying through the gaps between your teeth. Rain, lightning bolts and the magnetic metal tip on the top of your umbrella will be God’s funny little way of saying, “The jokes on you.”

Always remember, lying to encouraging people is not that hard. All it takes is a little effort. Thank goodness 90% of any effort is getting started. The rest of your bullsh*t will flow like the River of Jordan.

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Quote of the week:  “A church is a place in which gentlemen that have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.”

Fast Food Restaurants: Shape Up or Get Burned Down

There are two things that I’m afraid of – snakes and the people who take my order in any fast food drive-thru; not necessarily in that order. 
 
I don’t know if it’s just me, but it seems that every person who stands in that window has some sort of a noticeable defect.  Either their lips are chapped, their hair is unkempt or they have the personality of a hooded cobra.  
 
These window workers are bringing down the face value of their fine bleach-scented establishments.  They are causing us hard working, grease lovers to resort to – dare I say – dieting!  We are resorting to bringing our own lunches to work because there is no longer any appreciation for all of us paying customers and the service we expect.  We do not pay to hear teeth sucking, employee rants and the events of last evening.  We do not pay for eye rolling, bad armpit odor or smart ass comments.  We are paying for good food, good service and part of the mean ass employees’ paycheck. 
 
There is something to be said for good manners, even as the rules of social behavior apply to a drive-thru.  For example, what’s with the chick in the drive-thru window with the attitude problem?  You know who I’m talking about – the girl who chews her gum like a cow or barely gives you any eye contact.   The girl who gets offended because she can’t hear her cell phone conversation through her Bluetooth because you’re too busy trying to place an order.  Heaven forbid you change your order or check your bag to make sure everything’s accurate. 
 
Attention fast food manager: this girl and anyone like her should be fired!   She is the reason why most Americans find working in a fast food chain so revolting and demoralizing.   She epitomizes the paid non-worker, the underachiever, the trailer park prom queen and the home girl with the oversized gold-plated earrings.   This is the girl to beware of.   She is the one who will give you a sudden urge to raise your voice or drag her through the window by her dull, worn-out hair weave, all because she missed that very important class on good customer service.  
 
I say it’s time for fast food chains of the world to revert back to the olden days when drive-thrus were respected for their chic and hip idea of good quality service.   Customers now-a-days would appreciate a little service with a smile as they face an economic crisis, heavy workloads and supervisors who really need to get laid.   Bring back the days when Ronald McDonald strolled the grounds of McDonald’s waving happily at children while wearing his signature floppy red shoes and that ridiculously hideous yellow onesy.   Get rid of that scary ass Burger King mascot who looks more like the puppet from the horror film “Saw” and give us an image that will not haunt us after we’ve closed our eyes for the night.   

We, paying customers of the world, refuse to lie down and accept that you’ve run out of French fries or that your milkshake machine is out of order.   We will no longer accept the incompetence of trainees during the lunch rush.   You have somehow managed to crap all over the integrity of the fast food franchise that began way back as early as the 1930’s.  Our voices will be heard!  
 
So guys and gals, the next time your neighborhood fast food window teller crosses your muddy path with spiked heels, don’t yell at her.   Don’t curse at her.   Don’t even argue with her.   This way you’ll have a bit of assurance that she won’t spit in your food or wipe your hamburger patty on the side of the deep fryer.   Instead, take your car and drive it through the window.  If that doesn’t work, throw up the deuce sign and drive off.  No no no…of course I wouldn’t advise that you let it go that easily.  Make sure you return after-hours, when the business has closed for the night and burn that sucker to the ground!  Lighters are sold at the $1 Store and comes in a pack of five.  
 
I hope something that I’ve said has sparked you to stand up for your right to demand extra fries when a disgruntled fast food employee gives you a hard time for being more successful than they are.   Someone else’s ignorance should not be your hindrance.   If you don’t get those extra fries, crawl across the counter and go get them yourself!   
 
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Quote of the week:    “The journey of a thousand pounds begins with a single burger.”


 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 30-November 5, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You have more nerves than Idaho has potatoes, still someone will find your last one and get on it.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your ego wouldn’t be so big if you wore your credit score on your sleeve.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The language of love begins and ends with the word, “bitch.” Use it with well intent and at your own risk.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

This pay period, the amount of dollars in your checking account will be the same as your shoe size.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The first punch doesn’t have to be the last lick.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Beware of a ham dressed in turkey’s clothes.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

To feel your best, spend more time today telling other people what to do.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

There’s no better day than today to try a bacon-wrapped chocolate donut.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A drunk wino with skin of wrinkled leather will flash you at the bus stop. Oddly, you may enjoy it.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today you are overly cheerful and peppy. You are the morning person someone wants to pour hot coffee all over. Watch your back.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone new is going to steal your thunder. Bribe everyone you know to stay on your side.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Luck would have you to get stuck in an elevator with the president, vice president and secretary of the Deodorant is for Wimps Foundation.

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Quote of the week:    “’Give a man a match and he’ll be warm for a minute. Set him on fire and he’ll probably burn to death.’ This proverb is perhaps the exception to the rule that beggars can’t be choosers.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 23-29, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The definition of a good psychiatrist is a bartender that pours without a spout.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Something special will happen in the next 48 hours if you go to the nearest Dunkin Donuts and lick all the sugar off the powdered donuts.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are going to regret burning a bridge when your ass is being chased by a pack of dogs.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your next secret admirer will be an ex-con who went to jail for burning down a diner in Arkansas because his eggs were too runny.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Be careful of the ditch you dig for someone else. That very ditch may have your name written all over it.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Instead of finding a $1 bill on the ground, good luck will have you find a small bottle of butt spray. What you do with it is up to you.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

An absent minded man should keep a hanger in the back seat just in case he locks his keys in the car.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

For the next 12 hours spell everything you have to say letter by letter.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It doesn’t make sense to bring sand to the beach.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Start each conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be the last time, I dunno.”

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

That little guy that turns your refrigerator light on and off is about to quit.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

What’s the difference between a cheapskate and you?  One of you eats Cornflakes with a fork.

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Quote of the week:   “When listing the toppings you want on your next pizza, include another pizza.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 16-22, 2011

Some people have problems they never address and are just as screwed up as everyone else.  Luckily for them I take time to invest real talk for real people. 

~ Love, Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The problem is wherever you go, there you are. Sometimes you need to get away from yourself.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Just because you’re in the house doesn’t mean you’re home.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The older you get, the better you get…unless you’re a banana.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The greatest room in the world is the room for improvement.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You know it’s been a long night when the bags under your eyes hang low enough for your entire head to fall in. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Hell is full of people with good intentions.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

On any morning that ends in the letter “y,” the only thing that stands between you and a federal charge is a cup of coffee.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A stopped clock is right twice a day.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If someone had to describe you in five words or less, those words would be, “The sheep that cried wolf.”

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you’ve made it again.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If looks could kill…well, never mind. 

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Quote of the week:  “If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.”