Some BS Smells Fishy, but that’s to be Expected

When we last met, I remember showing the world my backside as I ran away frantically from a job that scared the bajeezies out of me (granted, this could have been a dream I had last night with me quitting theatrically by mooning the president of the company while eating a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich and chugging a beer; but for the sake of argument we’ll just pretend this dream really happened). It wasn’t necessarily the job itself, though I wasn’t particularly a huge fan of working, but rather it was the people. People with issues bigger than my weekend ego after I’ve downed a few thousand Jello shooters and gotten the green light from the baddest bitch in the club to make a move that would seriously add credibility to my manhood; people that pay for extravagant lunches using money they should have reserved for public transportation; people who tell you they care as long as your workload puts them in better lighting; people who sleep with people that sign off on paychecks; people that eat lunches behind trash dumpsters in the back parking lot of the office building, only no actual food is consumed, but rather protein from another fellow human, or a human who’s no less labeled a canine; people who don’t know your name unless you’re wearing a name tag and a hairnet. You get my point.

This post is about people and the shit they bring to the office. People in the workplace that want you to believe you’re family – at least until 5PM anyway. And with that said, it’s those very people that tend to make the day’s potential for productivity and get-alongedness a completely unfunny joke.

Not annoyed

I don’t laugh when someone comes into my office and asks if I’m busy. What the hell did you think I was doing before you blatantly interrupted me? Do you know how long it took me to get this score on this Bejeweled game?

I don’t laugh when someone asks me if I want to have a meeting to discuss anything other than the lunch menu for the next day. Who the hell wants to meet about anything, ever? Do you want to punch yourself in the face for me? Fuq you and your meeting.

I don’t laugh when someone gives me a 30 minute deadline. That’s not totally true. I laugh because whoever has given me the deadline is under the impression that I’m going to finish doing anything in 30 minutes or less. If we aren’t talking about food, forget about it. Thirty minutes to me means “before you leave work for the day” …or “before you quit.” Whichever comes first.

I don’t laugh when my supervisor transfers her phone to mine. Seriously? As if I already don’t have enough people to blatantly send to voicemail.

I don’t laugh when I’m referred to as MR. UM rather than MR. THENAMEMYMOTHERGAVEME. No one generally remembers my name unless they need something. Now that I think about, I guess coworkers are more like family than I thought. I have a few cousins that wholeheartedly believe my first name is CAN I BORROW.

I don’t laugh when I see my laughable paycheck. Really, I don’t laugh. I cry.

I don’t laugh when there’s a disgruntled employee plotting to flatten the Human Resource Director’s tires. Well, maybe I laugh a little bit. That monster deserves to get his tires flattened.

The point is no matter who ignores you at work while wearing a plastic smile and a pinstriped suit, all of those laughable moments that I find so terribly unfunny fall under the category of SHIT HAPPENS. Between the hours of 8AM and 5PM (or whatever your working hours are) shit happens. Any and all working class citizens ought to be prepared for the unexpected bullshit that inevitably happens every day. And you know what? We can blame those “people” for that.

ALL members of the workforce should expect water cooler rumors; expect to have unseasoned green beans with their flavorless cafeteria-cooked macaroni and cheese; expect documents to be lost or unsigned or peed on.  Okay, maybe no one would expect to receive a document with pee stains on it, but like I said earlier – SHIT HAPPENS. Expect to have a petty office beef (especially with that one chick that thinks she’s fly as hell with her 2 ¾” stilettos that matches nothing she wears and encouragingly builds up the bunions on her feet); expect to have to work through lunch (which is the sole reason for always having a pair of boxing gloves in your briefcase). No lunch/Late lunch/Working lunch = FIGHT!

The moral of the story is SHIT HAPPENS, especially at work. And that shit is caused by those people who can so easily fuq up a good day. But instead of getting mad at the shit that happens in the office and pointing a finger at those responsible for it, the real question is why get upset when you expected all this shit to go down even before you left your house this morning? It’s not rocket science to assume someone in the office is going to unexpectedly piss you off. Truth be told, if no shit happens during any point of the day, well…I don’t think I’d expect that.


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A Meeting to Discuss What We Hate About Meetings

Office meetings are certainly not an uncommon thing.  In fact, they are seen across the nation as a perfect way to waste most employees’ time.  Eighty-nine percent (89%) of meetings are called by people who do no work but instead delegate overwhelming tasks to those persons who are paid less to do more, in order to make the person who called the meeting look good.

In the arena of corporate America, meetings are just another way to prove your worth to your superiors.  They want to find out which employee is the strongest of the breed, as well as the most capable and/or most gullible.

I have one question for those superior managers: “Are you kidding me???”  Between files, faxes, phone calls, invoices, reimbursements, allocation balances, inventories, memos, emails, help-desking, planning, problem-solving, painting on a fake smile to sustain remotely adequate customer service presence and the gracious 15 minutes of lunch between all the fiascos of the day, who the hell has time to stop to let their boss stroke their ego with empty words that doesn’t fill the void of a much needed monetary bonus?  I’ll tell you who.  People who spend eight hours a day checking in with spouses, playing solitaire and freecell on their computers, frequent facebookers, twitterers, hang-ten internet surfers, and all those who put their John Hancock on a paycheck.

Ironcially, once you’ve been dragged into a meeting kicking and screaming with stenopad in hand, you find that from the tireless minutes that have rolled away like sweat beads on the ends of a hairy areola, the pages of your notes are as blank as the expression of your face when you learned that your day would be interrupted with yet another hour’s worth of useless discussion, incomplete updates and additions to the load of work that already has you weighed down.

To those folks who hate meetings all together, aka every bottom feeder office employee on the planet, there is never a good time to have one simply because the only thing meetings are good for is:

  • To give up time that you already know you don’t have; or
  • To talk to people about things you don’t know, care about or understand; or
  • Spot checking employees who aren’t busy at all; or
  • Stealing the spotlight from employees who do all the work [but rarely get the credit]; or
  • Catching up on all things unrelated to anything having to do with the reason for the meeting being called in the first place; or
  • Making superior officers look good when deep down everyone knows they didn’t do a damn thing at all.

Alas, though you may fuss, cuss, gripe, snipe, hoop and holler, love ‘em or hate ‘em, meetings are a part of the protocol that comes with any job.  The boss calls them and the employees answer like all trained pets do.  And everyone knows the boss is never wrong!  If anyone has a problem with that, might I suggest putting it in a memo and discussing it at the next meeting?  The hard part is going to be sitting through the agenda until it’s time to discuss your issue.  Lucky for you 90% of any effort is getting started.

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Quote of the week:   “Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot masturbate.”

A Birthday Tribute to the Hills of Hottywood

Ladies and gentlemen!  Guys and gals!  Kats, kittens, dawgs, and bitches!  I greet you in the name of all things coated with vegetable oil and all-purpose flour!  Today we celebrate a very special day.  No, I’m not referring to the anniversary of the Alabama law that states it is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesdays; or the Oregon law that dictates canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.  Though, in my opinion, those days are worth celebrating.  Today we honor and celebrate the birth of Hottywood!  

Today, as I blow out a flattering number of trick candles, eat mounds of chocolate cake and pass gas profusely from all the lactose-induced vanilla bean ice cream I can eat, I invite you to unbuckle those horrible skinny jeans, kick off your white socks and sandals, and put your table manners to the side as we feast at a table of endless chicken wings and sesame seed buns! 

On this cold day of February, all should be reminded and some even encouraged that there are many things that we can all get away with in the name of Hottywood, simply because I said so.  And I don’t give a damn who doesn’t like it.  You don’t even have to thank me for this encouragement because some of you reserved tykes have probably been waiting for the right opportunities [anyway] to: 

  • Tell your neighbors to shove their loud stereo sets up their ass;
  • Suggest to your coworkers that they email themselves straight to hell;
  • Lead that one self-absorbed person to the middle of a bullfighting coliseum after coloring their body w/ permanent red magic marker;
  • Dip your enemy’s underwear in raw hamburger meat and unleash a pack of hungry dogs on them;
  • Turn off all the hot water in your apartment complex at the break of dawn so people’s annoying shower singing can actually be what it sounds like – screaming; or
  • Put baby snapping turtles inside your landlord’s mailbox. 

It’s probably not ethical for me to give you ideas on how to get back at all those folks who forgot your birthday, have done you wrong, or even the clods that you simply don’t like.  But as I’ve stated before, today is a very special day and the only rule that applies is that I make the rules.  So you can do whatever the hell you damn well please in the name of humor, emotionless love and my birthday!    

May the rest of your day be filled with chicken wings, stripper poles, and restraining orders.  Not necessarily in that order.  

…oh, and if you don’t think you have the balls to be bad, relish in the thought that 90% of any effort is getting started!  Follow my lead and you just might learn something.  Happy birthday to me from me!  

Luv ya, babies.

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Quote of the week:  “Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 30-February 5, 2010

The Superbowl is coming up in one more week.  Until then it’s answers you seek.  Answers to the questions of sh*t that lies ahead of things that make you sick or even wish you were near dead.  Death is not the answer.  We all know this is true.  But in the event of crappy situations, ask yourself, “what would Hottywood do?”  

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

You have a special gift if you can name 101 ways to disguise elbow macaroni.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anyone can scotch tape someone’s eyebrows together but it takes a strong man to snatch that tape off and run like a lil bitch.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

A zit will be the 3rd wheel on a first date.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Everything means something and nothing is included in that everything.  That leaves something to be desired.  But what does it leave if nothing is everything?  Everything or nothing at all? 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Fighting in private is one thing.  Fighting in public is just ghetto.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

A dog that has no master worries not of betrayal.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

This week your boobs will have a life of their own, which will be terribly interesting if you’re a man and flattering if you’re a flat-chested woman.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

If you tell someone to kiss your ass and their lips aim for your mouth, you should feel more insulted than you intended for them to feel. ___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

All those people who keep telling you to shut up are just the voices in your head. ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You may not become an angel until you get the devil beaten out of you.   ___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

If you feel something nibbling at your socks and you’re wearing new shoes, that just means your feet are dirty.  ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If you have no standards, you have no structure.  If you have no structure, you prove yourself to be the mess everyone perceives you to be.  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “Have the courage to be ignorant of a great number of things, in order to avoid the calamity of being ignorant of everything.”    

To Those Who Take Advantage of Others: The Jig is Up

Are you one of those people who are taken advantage of by folks in and out of your inner circle?  If you are, you’ll be happy to know that you’re not alone. 

A wise man once said, “some things are better left unsaid.”  Obviously that wise man wasn’t wise enough to have anyone need him for anything.  So he probably wasn’t that wise to begin with.  Therefore I, being the wise man that I am, am standing up to tell you that sometimes you need to tell needy mofos to get off your jock and fix their sh*t their damn selves, because if you weren’t around to make their lives easier, they’d have to do it themselves anyway.  Either you be honest and tell them to leave you the hell alone or simply kick them where the sun doesn’t shine…which is always the first alternative choice!  

To the people who only call when they need something.  You morons may think we are stupid but the only person who is stupid is you!  You can call us until you’re blue in the face but sooner or later we are going to tell you to go shove it.  When your name flashes across the caller id, if you’re not calling to tell us that someone has died, your best bet is call us to tell us you’re dying because that’s the only way we’re going to have enough sympathy to get off our asses to help your ass out.  If we needed something, could we call on you?   Hell no and you know it.  You creeps always have an excuse why you can’t be around when the chips are down.  So go choke on some potato chip crumbs.  And when your air pipes have clogged until you’re gasping for that last breath and you need a ride to the hospital, don’t call us because we won’t be available.  

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To the people who are too lazy or dumb to do anything for themselves.  You’re too indolent to take a wild stab in the dark to try to accomplish anything for yourself without the help of others so you whine and beg until someone feels sorry enough for your ass to give you a hand.  Well the jig is up, swine bait!  If we weren’t around to perform all the hard labor while you take the credit and smile in our faces, you’d have no other choice but to fend yourself.  So here’s a word of advice for you: No one likes laziness and not too many people can stand being around someone too dumb to take the initiative to invest in their own doing.  Because you are the type of person that you are, may your socks forever slouch to your ankles and your underwear always itch.  Those are two things no one is going to be dim-witted enough to work on for you, so let’s see if your balls are big enough to ask for help with that.  

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To the people who only help you when there’s something in it for them.  We’ve peeped your game.  You only come around when there’s something in it for you, that’s why no one bothers to call you for anything.  We will give you a little bit of credit though, for offering your help, even if it does mean you’re only offering because you think you’re going to get something out of the deal.  Well how about this?  We’ll promise to give you a cut of the profit for lending us your help, but we won’t promise on when we’ll deliver on that promise.  That’s right, just like you’re intending on using us for your own personal gain, we can play that game right along with you, you selfish skunk butt.  We’re not idiots.  We’re going to accept any help you offer us, but after we’ve used you for what we need, we’re simply going to accidentally push you over a cliff because we already know you’re not gullible enough not to realize that we’re playing you at your own game.  But we’re pretty confident that you’re credulous enough to fall for your own prank once.  We’re not giving you that much credit.

To sum it up nicely; if you think we’re going to continue to be your crutch, for whatever reason, then the left side of your brain is just as malfunctioned as your right.  We are smart enough to know that if all you assholes keep coming to us for help, then we are smarter than we give ourselves credit for.   And if we don’t think we’re that smart, we’re smart enough to know that 90% of any effort is getting started.  So what we don’t know we can surely learn.  And learn it we shall without any help from you!   Sianara byches! 

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Quote of the week:   He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Jan. 23-29, 2011

Liars and bullsh*tters and cheaters galore.  Double-crossers and haters and so much more.  Backstabbers who write the lyrics to the songs they sing.  These are a few of my least favorite things.  The week is new and the crap is whack, so listen closely to the kettle that calls the pot black.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

You will be forced to confess a secret to a cross-eyed snake who has more dirt on you than a mountain has cliffs.

_______________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A wolf can not seek loyalty amongst sheep.  ___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Don’t bother doing your hair this week.  It’ll just look like burnt spaghetti. ___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Nothing smells worse than an asshole who tries to bullsh*t a bullsh*tter. ___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

To change your luck, gargle a malt beverage three times while standing on your tippy toes. Face whatever direction the sun doesn’t shine.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You can get your point across better with a drop-kick than you can with words. ___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You give your best concerts in the shower when no one is around to hear you.  Stick to that. ___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Food for thought: Is the honor in your words worth less than the shoes on your feet?___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Your underwear is a change you simply must make. ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

A shoplifter will try to steal your joy.  His five-finger discount should only buy him one [hand] palm across the left jaw. ___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The good news is for the next few days you’ll be quite the conversationalist.  The bad news is no one will want to talk to you.  ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Today you’ll be riding on the fumes of luck.  If you smell something rotten, you’ll know exactly what it is.  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “When the center of the universe is discovered, a lot of people will be disappointed to learn they are not it.”    

A Momentary Rant of a Man Undone

Let’s be honest; even a man who always seems to have it all together cracks under pressure every now and then.  And as perfect as I am (at least as far as perfection goes in my own warped out mind), I am no exception to the rule.  

Having said that, I think I will take a short moment to ask one burning question that many people ask in their every day lives:  

 “What the #&$%@!?”  

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  • “What the #&$%@!”  did I do to deserve getting hit in the forehead with one of Karma’s mini bowling balls? 
  • “What the #&$%@!”  happened to the Plan B that I usually keep in my back pocket? 
  • “What the #&$%@!”  am I going to do to get myself out of this deep a$$ pothole that I managed to fall into?   

Well, I asked the one burning question like I said.  I just happened to ask it in three different variations.  Why?  Because I can.  “What the #&$%@!” are you going to do about it?     

Listen, everyone is only human.  Well, maybe not the chick that lives on the corner of my street.  I don’t know what she is, but I know it’s not human.  Have you seen her???  Oh wait, that’s a story for another time.  

My point is no one is immune to the pitfalls of life.  In fact, if we didn’t have sh*t to deal with, how would we know what we could handle?  It’s like going out on a bad date.  In your heart you know the date is going to be a bust, but you still have to endure the bad company, bad conversation, bad food and bad hygiene in order to know what you don’t like and what you hope to expect out of the next date who is anyone but the person you lowered your standards for in the first damn place.  

Oh, but if only things were as simple as a bad date.  You can stand up a bad date.  You can walk out on a bad date.  You can even throw your drink in a bad date’s face.  But life, my friends, is something a little more funky than a simple bad date.  In fact, sometimes life can be a big pile of sh*t.  However as stinky as that sh*t may be, life is also a wheel.  What’s down today is up tomorrow.  The hard part is getting through the day.  Lucky for us all 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   He that is afraid of bad luck will never know good.”

Hottywood’s 2011 New Year’s Resolutions

It’s been a minute since the last time we’ve chatted, but you should know that I wasn’t off hiding in a corner somewhere licking my finger tips after stuffing my face with a handful of barbeque potato chips.  Like each and every one of you, I was off pondering the possibilities of what the new year will bring. 

Keeping in touch with the American new year tradition, I jotted down a few [New Year’s] resolutions for myself.  You know, something to strive for and aspire to.   And seeing how Christmas is trying its best to jet ski right past us, what better time than now to share those resolutions with you?!

Kats, kittens, dolls, guys and gals, I now present to you Hottywood’s 2011 New Year’s Resolutions!   Hope you’re as ready for the new year as I am.

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Start saying, “No.” 

I go out of my way to please people; never rejecting anyone’s requests or unreasonable favors and the only word I ever get in return is, “No.”  So let’s see how their asses feel when I return the rejected favor. 

In fact, let’s put a “Hell,” in front of that “No,” to make it more effective! 

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Drink more; hangover less.

Let’s be honest, everyone wants to be the drunk guy that gets pointed at and maliciously talked about at all the parties.  Because everyone knows that he is having the BEST time!   And it probably wouldn’t be much of a party if he wasn’t there.  So either stop hating on the drunk guy or starting throwing better parties!

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Incorporate diet fried chicken and french fries (w/ “I Believe It’s Not Salt”) into my daily diet. 

I know damn well that I’m not the only person in the world that’s in love with fried chicken.  Especially my mama’s fried chicken!  Can’t nobody fry up some wings like my mama.  Well…maybe Popeyes, ’cause they have all those eleven herbs and spices and stuff.  And possibly the Cornel, ’cause he’s not a cornel for nothing.  He’s an officer for chicken!  Oh, and then there’s Church’s Fried chicken.  You know that chicken must be touched by God.  I mean listen to the name of the product. 

Okay, okay.  I guess you see where I’m going with this.  I’m going to find a way to make greasy, home fried chicken a part of a regular healthy diet.  Or die trying! 

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Burn any and every record that features the voice of Aaron Neville. 

Alright, I know I’m probably going to burn in hell for condemning the poor guy’s music to a biochemical lava pit.  But seriously, have you heard the guy sing?  He sounds like chipmunks on steroids.

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Braid my armpit hair every 3rd Saturday of the month. 

‘Cause I like to keep people guessing!    C’mon, admit it; you know you’ve always wanted to take a peek under my arms.   That doesn’t make you weird.  It’s the other thing that makes you weird!   

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Celebrate my birthday every time I go out to eat in a restaurant so I can get a free slice of cake while the wait staff embarrassingly sings the annoying birthday song to me while jealous consumers look on and inadvertently joins in, secretly wanting a bite of the cake that I’m not going to share. 

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Belch without saying, “Excuse me.”  Oh wait; I already do that.   

Hey, don’t judge me. 

MOVING ON.  →

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Cross out anyone’s name in my phone book whose armpits and butt cheeks smell relatively the same.  

And if you think it’s cool to hang around someone who smells like a Thursday morning trash pick up, then I’m scratching your name out of the book, too!

How you like them apples?!________________________________________________________ 

Convince a convent of nuns to watch “Revenge of the Nerds” and all of its sequels.  

I have to be honest and say that I would just love to sit there and watch the expression on a nun’s face as she looks at some of the sh*t that those nerds pull on that show. 

To be quite honest with you, I worked with a nun who I think could’ve used a little humor in her life.  She was about as nice as The Grim Reaper.  About the same age too, but that’s another story. 

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Rally for world peace amongst the hamster community. 

Ah come on.  I’m not the only one who’s rallying for togetherness and furry respect amongst all rodents who runs non-stop inside a wheel.   I can understand their frustration.  They keep running and running but never get anywhere.  That would make me want to punch somebody, too. 

Dear Mr. Hamster,

Be glad you’re not a turkey.  They are born and raised to be eaten. 

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So there you have it, folks.  I strongly believe that committing to these resolutions will change my life drastically!   The hard part is sticking to the commitment.  Thank goodness 90% of any effort is getting started

***

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Quote of the week:    “It’s bad luck to spill a drink on New Year’s eve.”

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 26-October 2, 2010

If there’s one thing you should know it’s in what direction your luck may go.  Whether left or right or right or wrong, in stinky bloomers or uncomfortable thongs.  The week begins with a fall of rain and all weekend fun is now down the drain.  You may be surprised at what comes your way but with a little help you can play it safe.  If you remember one thing and nothing else, never forget that Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

No amount of heat will be enough to get the wrinkles out of any of your shirts.  Carry a paper cup for spare change, you bum. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For seven days, you will either be profusely sweaty or profusely gassy. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You might be in control over your own destiny, but you have no control over a shady bitch named Karma. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Carrying a rabbit’s foot may be lucky for you as long as you don’t pay attention to the fact that you’re carrying the luck of that poor dead legless bunny. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will stutter and spit every time a pigeon flaps its wings.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

People will only understand you if you speak in “baby talk.”  Babies will just look at you like you’re stupid.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Bathing in boiled potato water just may change the outcome of your day.  The question remains, “For better or for worse?”

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A great hooker once said, “You have to give in order to get.” 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Having multiple personalities will come in handy when you drive in the HOV lane during rush hour. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

By complete accident, you will ask one too many questions and receive a priceless punch in the lower lip area. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

One of your greatest strengths is being the only one not invited to any parties. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If someone tells you you’re the spitting image of Tevin Campbell, they’re not complimenting you. 

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Quote of the Week:   “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Office Etiquette: Listening to Death

There are certain etiquette rules one must follow when working in an office environment.  For instance, when you belch you should really say, “Excuse me.”  The same is true when you let out an obtrusive passing of the ass.  Sure, you may not want to.  You may not even care.  But it’s just the proper thing to do.  Think of it like walking downtown with your clothes on.  You probably would prefer to be naked but politics and the law, make the task simply daunting, and being the good law-abiding citizen that you are — who only holds up liquor stores on the weekends — you must play by the rules.

Unfortunately, no matter how many envelope openers you may want to throw at your coworkers, you can not fault them for following traditional office setting protocol. Asking someone how they’re doing is a standard act for anyone who’s an active part of the working community.  The easy part is replying with a simple one-worded sentence which usually sums up the description of your mood – “Fine,” followed by an annoyed gasp of breath and a look that could melt butter.  The hard part, on the other hand, is listening to that very same coworker volunteer an update on how they’re doing [or feeling]; “volunteering” being the operative word here.  There is nothing worse than listening to someone go and on about something that you care nothing about.

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why you should care about the stories that boring clod is telling you?  Most average working class people really don’t want to hear all the blah blah about their officemate’s night before.  They don’t want to hear about the long drive into the office or the report analysis that’s going to be discussed in further detail in the next staff meeting.   They don’t even want to hear the lame ass jokes that are guaranteed not to make you laugh.  What they do want is to be left the hell alone!  They want to be at peace with their coffee and their personal email.  They want to avoid the phony relationships, the hierarchy of supervisors and the constant telephone calls that never end.  In fact, having to speak to customers on the phone should be the only time uninteresting stories are bombarded on anyone at the office.  The average person spends 60% of their workday on the phone putting out fires in someone else’s shattering life.  The gripes, grievances, sob stories and fragmented inquiries almost drives a person to wanting to start a fire – burn that office building to the mutha-effin’ ground!

Though starting a blazing fire may be too extreme for some workers, there are other things you can do to avoid the death-like stories of your colleagues, who deem themselves an extended part of your family, considering you spend more time at the office than you do in your own home.

(1) You can rip off your ears and hand them over to whoever refuses to shut the hell up.  That way they can finish talking while you are deaf to all the world around you.

(2) You can snatch the lips right off their face and leave them on top of the water cooler.  Pulling this trick off may offend the person talking, but in the end they’ll thank you.  People do most of their chatting at the water cooler, anyway.

(3) You can take a gun and blow a hole in the side of your head.   That’ll save the undesirable chatter-box from talking you to death.

Smacking them and calling them out of name may be your first thought, but it would also be your one-way ticket to the unemployment office.   However, if you’re planning on quitting the job anyway, you have nothing to lose!  Also, don’t rule out running away from the conversation with your hands waving in the air or something as simple as passing out.  Slamming your head into a wall is also a good way to indiscreetly give someone the hint that you’d enjoy a stomach ache more than the conversation at hand.  Listening to the intricate details of someone’s boring life is just way too much to ask first thing in the morning.  Whatever way you decide to make your quick grand exit from listening to someone talk you to death, just keep in mind that it will require a little effort on your part.  And 90% of any effort is getting started.

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Quote of the Week:    “42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.”

How to Spice Up an Office Staff Meeting

Are your office staff meetings a major snooze fest?  Of course they are, but they don’t have to be.  After all, what’s an office without a little humor – excluding the office jerk you love to gossip about and laugh at?  Although it’s true that no business will ever be successful without a few hundred meetings per day week, there’s no reason why you can’t have fun while hoping your ears suddenly fall off, as you listen to the agenda of items that have absolutely nothing to do with your particular work load.  Here are a few ideas to help spruce things up the next time your director calls an all-hands staff meeting.  Keep in mind that some of your colleagues may not have the same kind of warped humor as you do.  Most of your colleagues probably will have no sense of humor at all, which will make these ideas all the more enjoyable for you.  Nothing says funny like the look of shock and disgust on someone else’s face.  Humor, at the expense of others, is the best form of flattery!  

The proper way to start off any meeting and call attention to yourself is to compliment the supervisor.  It’s key to remember that if you don’t have anything nice to say, say it anyway.  You’re opinion and honesty will either be appreciated or reprimanded.  Either way, it will never be forgotten.  

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If the compliments turn out to be total duds, grab your neighbor by the chin and French kiss them passionately.  Try not to think of bothersome little things like bad breath or mono – that’ll just kill the mood.  Be aware that you may develop some sort of reputation once the interoffice romantic scene is over, however take comfort in knowing that you may not be employed long enough to care.  

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Be apart of the meeting.  Though sleeping is good, and snoring is better, people will appreciate your participation.  Suggest a few policy changes beginning with replacing the water in the water cooler with beer.  If you really want to make an impression, be intoxicated at the time of your presentation.  The more your reek of alcohol the better!  

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Some employers are against the discussion of salaries among their employees.  Something about confidentiality or some stupid sh*t along those lines, but what do they know?  You can talk about salary all you want, especially if you feel you’re overqualified and underpaid for the job you perform.

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It’s always a good idea to figure out ways to connect with your officemates a little more closely.  Any suggestion of more hands-on opportunities is always a big hit.  Don’t be afraid to speak up; don’t be afraid to be unconventional; and don’t be afraid of how others interpret your ideas.  Chances are they are thinking the same thoughts as you but are just too chicken sh*tted to verbalize them publicly.  

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It’s very possible that some of your ideas may be a bit too radical for some people’s taste.  If so, don’t fret.  There’s a high probability that you’ll be excused from the meeting, and in some cases escorted out of the building by security.  Don’t let that deter you from being a part of the team.  Just press your face against the window and listen in from the outside.  Your colleagues will be impressed with your determination once they get over being freaked out by your psychotic antics.  

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There’s one important rule that you must never ever forget.  “Nobody likes a quitter!”  Once you’ve been escorted out of the building by security and chased by a hoard of disgruntled employees, there’s always more than one way to get back to your desk, but you have to be cognizant that your coworkers may not be too pleased with your stealthy return.  All doors will be blocked with people waiting to crown you with a loaded stapler.  When in doubt, jump out of the nearest window, but not before letting out the most explosive and offensive fart your ass muster up!  Making such a dramatic exit will surely give the office something to talk about at the next staff meeting.  Don’t worry, they’ll miss you when you’re gone and will probably come to visit you at the funny farm.  

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If you stick to these guidelines, I guarantee you’ll never have to worry about another dull staff meeting again.  Some of the ideas may be a little far fetched, but what fun is life without a little spontaneity?  It doesn’t take much to be the life of the party – nothing more than a little bit of alcohol, Mary Jane and a small amount of effort, and 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   “Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.”

Remove Old Bullsh*t for a New Year

Let’s make this short and sweet. No long goodbyes; no extended farewells; not even an “I’ll catch you later.”

…short and sweet.  “So long mutha effer!”  Tis the season to be jolly, and w/ that jolliness comes the end of relationships past.  Not just lovers, but friends, associates, stalkers, and booty calls who no longer make your nature rise.  

Though it is encouraged to remove yourself from any situation (or people) who are less than conducive to your welfare and life as a whole, the onset of a new year is the perfect time to wipe the sleight clean and start all over. 

Take out your little black book, grab a magic marker and have at it!  Cross out that lying bastard’s name who gave you every excuse in the book why he/she couldn’t see you every time you asked to hang out or hook up.  Cross out the zero’s name who only called you when they were hot in the pants.  Scratch off the biatch who promised to come through, but never did.  Mark off the ex who you thought you loved, but never really liked. 

Now is the time for your freedom and liberation.  It is your chance to shift your focus from the past and on to yourself.  No more chasing people and their dreams.  No more saying “yes” to the things you think will make someone else happy.  After all, sooner or later you will need to realize that you are not living for anyone else and that all relationships are not quite meant to last forever.  Marriages aren’t forever; best friends aren’t forever; flings aren’t forever; jobs and coworkers aren’t forever; even cars aren’t forever.  Let go and let God lead you down a new path of life.  Not for anyone else’s sake but your own.  

And while you’re at it, promise yourself one thing: You won’t bite your tongue when you tell your undesirables to kick the curb.  You may curse, scream and yell.  All is encouraged!  The louder and more vulgar you are, the better.  Your vulgarity will ensure that those pricks will not bombard your Happy New Year with old bullsh*t.  And if they do, send them over to the Hills of Hottywood where an explosive surprise awaits them.  A surprise filled with hand grenades and all things that go “BOOM!” 

Remember, 90% of any effort is getting started.