The Relationship Quiz

It’s never easy to accept when a relationship is over, whether you are effected by the disruption or the cause of it.  Luckily for you,

Hottywood Helps! 

This little quiz will help you to realize how much BS you are able to endure from your mate before finally packing your overnight bag and running for the border.

Be warned that the truth hurts, but in the end hurt never felt so good.

When you are tired of hearing the sound of your mate’s voice, do you:

  1. Spend all your time in the bathroom flushing the toilet repeatedly to drown out your partner’s voice?
  2. Remove all the writing utensils from the house and then tell your partner to write down everything it is they have to say?
  3. Resort to a telephone call using sign language?
  4. Threaten to never have sex with your partner again if they don’t shut up?
  5. Suffocate them with a bunch of Safeway bags?
  6. None of the above.  No one will date me.

When you stop trusting your partner, do you:

  1. Replace every telephone number in their address book with that of the city morgue?
  2. Eat a spoonful of quick drying cement, French kiss them and become permanently joined at the lips?
  3. Cheat on your mate with as many people as you can in an effort to be an even bigger whore than you believe them to be?
  4. Put caramel in the seat of all of their underwear?
  5. Eat a bag of Funyons just before it’s time to do the grown up?
  6. None of the above.  My mate dumped me for a midget gypsy pole dancer.

When your partner makes goo-goo eyes at the restaurant waiter/waitress for an extra free basket of bread, do you:

  1. Get the server fired by insisting to the restaurant manager that the particular server stars in a recurring role of ‘America’s Next Top Pimp’s Bitch’?
  2. Jump in your partner’s lap and dry hump them during the dessert course?
  3. Blindfold your partner with a handful of burnt spaghetti?
  4. Openly discuss the furry mole that’s growing around your partner’s waxed nipples?
  5. Order the most expensive thing on the menu [to-go], then end the relationship dramatically while stiffing your partner for the bill.
  6. None of the above.  My partner can no longer eat solid foods because I broke his/her jaw bone the last time he/she flirted with someone else.

If your partner perceives you as a moron, is it because you:

  1. Don’t know the telephone number for 9-1-1?
  2. Own a drawer full of the same pairs of mismatched socks?
  3. April Fool’s Day jokes are played on you every day?
  4. Attempt to pay your speeding tickets with an EBT card?
  5. Can never find ‘To Wong Fu’ on the Chinese take-out menu?
  6. None of the above.  My mate is just as much of a moron as I am.

You are probably not relationship material if you:

  1. Communicate with the voices in your head more than you do with actual people.
  2. Think a third wheel in a relationship has anything to do with a tricycle.
  3. Would rather make love while watching a Dominos Pizza commercial rather than a skin flick with the words ‘Butts, Boobs and Butternut Squash’ in the title.
  4. Think Dorothy was a genius for walking into a forest full of lions, tigers and bears.
  5. Believe the shortest month of the year would not be so short if it wore high heels.
  6. None of the above.  The cleavage on my back seems to be a real turn-off to people so I already I’ll never be considered as relationship material.

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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!” (Speed Advising)

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.


Kats and kittens, this week we are going to kill three birds with one stone by doing what I like to call “Speed Advising.” Today we have three questions that I’m going to try to answer in as few words as possible. I could say many, many more words but let’s be honest. It’s summer and I’m being lazy. Deal with it!


Dear Hottywood, 

My girlfriend has been acting different all week (shady and picking fights). I think she’s seeing someone else.  How do I approach this situation without starting another fight? 

Nervous Wreck

Dear Nervous Wreck,

cheating1Why don’t you try talking to her? Be open and honest with her. Use words like, “I feel,” instead of outright accusing her. If you accuse her of anything, whether you’re right or wrong, you’ll wake up the next morning with all your tires flattened and obscenities scribbled over your windshield in blood red fingernail polish. If you don’t communicate your feelings to her, then you’ll give her a reason to go out and cheat because you’d be proving to her that you’re too chicken shit to be straight up, even if you think it will hurt her feelings or yours. Don’t be a punk. Women don’t like punks, unless she’s a fag-hag. Then you’d either have nothing to worry about or a bigger problem on your hands than you think.


Dear Hottywood,

How do you reach someone that doesn’t want to be reached?

Left Alone at the NON-Alter

Dear Left Alone at the Non-Alter,

NO!You don’t reach someone that doesn’t want to be reached. You can’t (or shouldn’t) force yourself on someone after they’ve made it clear by word or by action that they don’t want a connection with you. Back off! Not doing so may lead to some harsh truths or untruths about you that you don’t want revealed or expressed in any manner. Forcing yourself on someone instantly and automatically turns you into a stalker. It makes someone fear you in a “creepy, I’m gonna get my brother and his boys to kick your ass” kind of way. It leads to restraining orders, broken windows, flattened tires, and deflated egos. If reaching someone who doesn’t want to be reached is worth all that hassle and heartache to you, then go right ahead. But if I never hear from you again, then I’ll know you were hard-headed and refused to accept the advice you asked for. I’ll in turn try my best not to say I told you so, but I can’t make any promises.


Dear Hottywood,

I’m stuck in a dead end job. What do I do?

Water Boy

Dear Water Boy,

Beat yourself in the head with a stapler. The first answer is to look for another job. DUH! You are only stuck if you refuse to do something about your situation. Staying where you are to continue doing what you’re doing while knowing you can do or deserve better is a show and tell of complacency. Stop being lazy and get off your ass to find something else if not better. I would imagine you’re looking for something ‘more/else’ (for lack of a better word), otherwise you wouldn’t have bothered asking for advice in the first place. Use that same effort that you used to reach out to me to instead reach out to some employment agencies that can help you with a fresh start.


GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL!


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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

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QUESTION: How do you respond to that awkward silence that follows an unreciprocated confession of “I love you?”

AwkwardA friend of mine posted an interesting comment on Facebook the other day that really got me thinking. It was along the lines of “That awkward silence that follows an unreciprocated confession of “I love you.”” Though it isn’t a traditional Ask Hottywood question, I have to ask myself is there a proper way of breaking the silence when you can’t say what the other person is waiting to hear?

If I were to answer myself, I’d say “Self…,” because that’s what I call myself. “There isn’t a proper way of telling anyone that you aren’t vibing with them the way they see in their mind. You’re damned if you respond and damned if you don’t.

Think about it. If you reply with an insincere “I love you,” you’d be a big fat liar and stuck with faking an emotion for someone you’d probably cheat on later down the line. If you reply with “Um, thanks…,” “You do?” “Really?” or “What a coincidence; I love me, too,” you are admitting that you’d rather pull your tongue out of your mouth rather than say those three little words that you don’t mean. Having no response at all is no different than changing the subject. While you may be able to fake the funk in that person’s company, if you don’t respond to their heart-felt gut spilling, you are blatantly admitting to leading them on – at least that’s the way they’d see it. Most likely they are going to wonder why you spend enough time with them to allow them to fall in love with you if you don’t feel the same way. Soon after they are likely to deem you a confused player who is full of nothing but bullshit, lies and games. On the bright side, though, if you’re lucky they’ll retract their “I love you” and opt never to speak to you again. When that happens you can rebut by calling them selfish, but you’d still be pinned with the label of being a confused player who is full of nothing but bullshit, lies and games.

Face it. This is a battle you can’t win.

I guess if you feel someone getting ready to profess their love for you, and you can’t counter the words, your best option would be to French kiss them long and hard, and by “long” I mean forever because once that kiss is over you’re back at square one. Another option would be to clock them over the head with a crystal vase, but you’d have one hell of a mess to clean up, not to mention a restraining order, pending you don’t get your ass beat to death for clobbering someone over the head (of course after they wake up from their coma). Or you could run for the hills with your hands waving in the air like a normal crazy person. Your choices are limited, but it beats standing there with a dumb look on your face as you ask yourself, “How am I going to get out of this one?”

Oh Ye of Little Faith

In life, it’s not always easy to deal with disappointments, especially when the only person who seems to care about your feelings is you.    

Your support system only supports you when the money and light is green.  Your family only supports you when your endeavors look good to non-family members.  Your friends only support you when your success income is large enough to cover all of the dinner parties.  

In the end, through all of your hardships, failures, road blocks and let downs, all you have is you and that pillow that you beat the sh*t out of before laying your head to rest for the night.  And even that gets a little lumpy.  

But all is not lost!  For it is written in the greatest book of all time: 

  • Luke 17:6   He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you. 
  • Matthew 8:26   He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. 
  • New International Version   He replied, “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” 

Your flies may be greater in number than your chambers of honey, but as long as your spears are sharp, your poison is deadly and you have enough common sense to know that all things happen for a reason, nothing is in impossible.  

Today may feel like your defeat but tomorrow shall be your victory and you will have your moment to plug your fingers into your ears, stick out your tongue and quote these words (my favorite words on the planet) verbatim to all of your haters and nay-sayers, “Na na na boo boo muthaf*ckas!”    

People will laugh at you and they will take pride when you fall, but those are the very same people who don’t have sh*t going on for themselves; the very same people whose names are never uttered from anyone else’s lips; whose hopes and dreams failed in their final year of high school; whose relationships were built on lies; and whose one-night stands only happened because their one-time lover was too blinded by an excessive amount of alcohol.  

Who was the old miserable bastard that once said, “Misery loves company?”  That man was an underachieving loser who preyed on people who crumbled under the weight of defeat and disappointment.  As unsuccessful as he may have been, he was smart enough to know that he will never be alone thanks to people who are too deep rooted in their own self-pity and worthlessness. 

Oh ye of little faith.  In the words of the great and wise little orphan Annie, who never changed her dress and whose hair matched her shaggy ass dog’s fur, “The sun will come out tomorrow…” 

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Quote of the week:   “The road to success is always under construction.”

A Case of the “I Told You So’s”

There is great pride in finishing something you’ve started – even if that something is as simple as releasing a stinky fart without anyone noticing the foul gas came from your ass.  

Completing a project, task, goal or dream is your way of telling the world “I told you so,” when everyone seemed to have doubted you.  Holding true to what you know you can do and what you can pay someone else to do for you while you hog all the credit is the leverage you have over people whose greatest achievement is to hate on someone whose life is more worthy than blowing a ring of smoke.    

To the washed up high school jock who should’ve been in the NFL by now; to the former cheerleader who boosts stolen knock-off designer handbags in the hair salon; and finally to the minister who’s too hung over to make it to church on time to preach to all of his fellow heathens – finishing what you start doesn’t mean polishing off the last of the bottle you bought from the local corner store; it doesn’t mean digging up dirt to slander all those who are doing better than you; and it doesn’t mean pretending that someone else’s success doesn’t exist.  What it means is finding the determination to be a better you and patiently waiting for your opportunity to say to someone:  

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All the people who walk the Earth’s grounds boasting about how they hate the “I told you so’s” are a gotdamn lie, because everyone knows there is no greater feeling than proving someone wrong!

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Be proud of your accomplishments – big or small – because it’s those achievements that will motivate you to continue on to greatness.  You may not be the best at everything but everyone is good at something. 

“90% of any effort is getting started.”

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Quote of the week:  “Achieving life is not the equivalent of avoiding death.”