Are Blind Dates Worth the Trouble?

My dear, poor, unsuspecting friends; we need to have a little chat about something we all know about but are sometimes too shy (or embarrassed) to discuss.  BLIND DATES.

Blind dates are not always all bad.  They’re not always all good either – unless you have a horse shoe up your ass – but most people aren’t that lucky (unless you consider having a horse shoe up your ass lucky at all).  So today we’re going to discuss a few key signs that indicate if you’re on your way to a successful blind date or something that’s quite the opposite.

THE INITIAL CONVERSATION 

Every blind date begins with a series of simple telephone conversations (or in this day and age, email, instant or text messages).  Whatever the case, these are typical introductory conversations where both parties try to paint beautiful pictures of themselves with washable paint.  Don’t be fooled by the initial blind date pre-face convo.  Whether over the phone or on paper, this potential person may sound like you just want to stick them in your back pocket.  The voice coming from the other end of the receiver or the other side of the computer screen gives you a false sense of hope, expectation, and anticipation for something that would be no less better than wolfing down a liter of flat soda and a stale bag of popcorn.

In a nutshell, this convo is usually a set up for a major let down.  However, the initial conversation will probably be the highlight of the date itself.  Stick around and you’ll find out why.

MEETING FOR THE FIRST TIME 

Meeting that blind date for the first time is the moment of do or die.  There’s a part of you that knows if you don’t go through with ringing the door bell or opening the front door for that “potential could-be,” you’ll kick yourself in the shin for depriving yourself of something that could be a sure thing.  However, you could also be introducing yourself to a big bag of shame.  Always keep in mind that in this very moment, you are either in for a few hours of great fun, conversation and company, or a seemingly endless amount of boredom, acute disgust, and/or ideas for revenge for the idiot who thought you and this non-date-worthy schmuck would be a match made in heaven.

Whether you’re pleased with the view from the outer exterior of the person you’ll be sharing the next few hours with or not, you’ve only come upon the first test.  There’s still a small inspection that must take place that will dictate this person’s character a little more than the fluffy initial conversation(s) you may have shared prior to meeting for the first time.

Below are a few tips that will shed some light on the person’s consideration of self, company or situation.  These tips tell how this person sees him/herself and in some cases, their relationships.

  • If you step on a pile of potato chip crumbs somewhere between the living room and the dining room, chances are this person is a pure slob who doesn’t know how to keep house.  They also can’t keep secrets and surely has something hiding in the closet, just waiting to fall out.
  • If there are piles of bread crumbs on the dining room table, keep an eye out for ants.  Where there are crumbs, there are ants.  Either your date is one trifling mofo (motherf*cker) who simply lets the chips fall where they may (metaphorically and literally) or you’re going to be charged extra for bringing a pig to the restaurant instead of a person who knows how to eat respectably and excuse themselves from the table when it comes time to fart before the after-dinner mints.
  • If there are onion peels on the dining room floor, your date will most likely have a problem with personal hygiene.  It’s a proven fact in a book that hasn’t been written yet that onion peels equate to having a closeted funky underarm problem.  Or worse.  An underarm odor in places other than the underarms!
  • If your date utilizes any time telling you about past surgeries, hospital visits or major or minor ailments, they’re probably crazy and you’d do better to run for the border now.  If you’ve never believed it before, believe now that misery is happiest when it has company!

AFTER DINNER KISS

By the time dinner has concluded, your ears have probably bled from all of the listening to nothing you’ve indulged in over the course of the last couple of hours.  Either that or your eyeballs have fallen out of their sockets because you didn’t want anyone to notice how embarrassed you were to be in the company of someone who is obviously below your standards.  Hell, below anyone’s standards! 

The bottom line is though you’re at the end of the date, believe it or not, the catastrophe has only just begun.  You’ve now come to the point of needing to figure out one good reason to bypass the good night kiss.  This usually happens somewhere around the invitation back inside for a nightcap, cup of coffee, or…you guessed it, crunchy cheese curls.  Now if you were smart, you would’ve been thinking about an excuse the moment all your hopes and dreams were shattered when you saw your date for the very first time.

Never go out on a date — first or otherwise — without having a good reason for skipping over the good night kiss; even if it means stopping by your local novelty shop first, to pick up a pack of ass-breath chewing gum.

You always have three options to get out of the good night kiss; (1) come up with a good lie or excuse for not kissing at all (which we’ve covered in the previous paragraph) before meeting up with the date; (2) rip your lips off completely (which isn’t most likely, otherwise you’d be just as f*cked up as your date); or (3) sew your lips together with needle and thread.  Honestly, you’d kill two birds with one stone by stitching your lips together.  By using such a dramatic force of act, what you’d actually be saying (or implying since your lips would be sealed shut) is, “I don’t want to kiss you and I don’t want to discuss why the hell I don’t want your lips touching mine.”  It’s simple and to the point.  It may not be very nice, but who cares?  You know damn well that you have no intention of seeing this person ever again, so manners aren’t necessary.

Now let’s recap.  How can you tell if your blind date is aiming for a nose-dive straight to hell?  Notice the table crumbs, critter infestations, framed hospital photos, onion peels, table manners, chappage of the lips (yes, I made up a word)  and finally the conversation or lack thereof.

Peeping out a bad blind date isn’t that hard to do.  The signs smack you in the face like a heat wave.  You just have to know what to look for, or at least know how much you’re willing to take before you abandon the date altogether to go play in oncoming traffic.


Quote of the week:   “Some relationships fail because people change and forget to tell each other.”

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The Booty Call Agreement

So this morning you woke up to a warm body next to you and was served breakfast in bed with the groceries you purchased with your hard earned money.  Did you miss something?  Somewhere during the night of your wild, scandalous and sadistic booty call, your FWB (friend with benefits) got the impression that your good wet-wet was an open invitation to a monogamous relationship.  News flash, moron: IT WAS JUST SEX!

More times than often one of your bed pals can get the wrong impression with just one twist of the body, one bounce of the rod or one moment too long of cuddle time and suddenly think tomorrow is the day you two set aside to go ring shopping.  This is what happens when one person gets a little too ancy about falling in love.  We’ve discussed this before in our Sex Ed 101 class.  Bumping pelvises is not the same thing as the pretentious promise, “I do.”

You should not have any regrets for wetting your whistle with someone else’s body spit.  It’s one of the many joys of life; one of the rewards for being single.  Some may argue it’s one of the rewards for being a lying, dastardly, cheating bastard (for those who are already committed).  The sex may have been great last night.  It may have been even greater this  morning, because there’s nothing like a ‘morning after’.  However you must be clear to the person you’re boning that it’s nothing more than sex – a desperate, yearning need to be filled with the pleasures of someone else’s sexual and willing desire.   After it’s all said and done, it’s more than likely that you’ll want them to dissipate into the sheets as if they were never there (once you’ve experienced the big “O” and washed their scent off your body of course).

Booty calls are good but they’re also misleading.  So the next time you invite someone over to your place to quench your horny thirst, be sure to have a visible stack of “booty call agreements” sitting on your nightstand.

A)  You want your partner to know they’re not the only one you’re screwing.  That way there’s no reason for them to get their hopes up of an oncoming relationship, no matter how good the f*ck is.

B)  They’ll know what to expect from the night, and

C)  What you expect from them.

See sample booty call agreement below:

If they are still blinded by your juicy va-jay-jay or steel power jack, feed them the same old clichés you’ve fed to all the other losers who misinterpreted your late night romper room calls:

Sometimes all a person needs is a good ol’ ego boost, a $20 bill or a scathing threat to get the message that you got what you needed from them and that’s all there is to it.  It doesn’t take much effort to give anyone the boot once they’ve signed that agreement.  It’s a binding contract.  It takes more effort to let them stay and lead them on than it does to be honest and kick them out.  They’ll be back.  They’ve already shown you how horny and delusional they are.  At this point, you have the upper hand.


Quote of the week:    “It is not uncommon for slight acquaintances to get married, but a couple really have to know each other to get divorced.”

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(302) 36HOTTY to leave your question for our Ask Hottywood advice column


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How To End a Bad Date Disgracefully

Are you tired of going on one bad date after another?  Has your best friend set you up with someone who’s below your standards?  Did you finally get the telephone number of the hot chick in your church who turns out to be dumber than a door knob…or worse, a hot chick with bushy underarms? Well now’s your chance to rest easy, because you’re not alone.

It’s time to stand up for your rights and fight back with a few easy quick steps to sabotage a bad date disgracefully!   This list is very short, but also very fun!  The look on your date’s face when you purposely act like a moron [to make them uninterested in you] is priceless!

Listen carefully.  These tips take careful planning and coordination, but are worth every effort.


Conveniently leave home without any money.

Just be prepared to wash an ass-load of dishes, or make a break for it!  If you really want to make a bad impression, make a scene that you’re cheap and put the blame on your date.


Speak only in rhyme like a rap star.

Be sure to use animated sound effects and boisterous hand gestures.  Offensive language and stereotypes are a must!  This routine will be most effective if you are in a family-oriented establishment.  End each verse with, “You know what I’m sayin’ Gee?” and grab your crotch obsessively.  Make your stage-left exit before the cops arrive.



When speaking to your date, never use any direct eye contact.

In fact, just cover your eyes completely while screaming, “Medusa!”  If you really want to stir things up, toss your drink in her face.  Oh what the heck, toss everyone’s drink in her face! Then run like the wind because there’s no doubt that she’s going to fuq you up!


Each time your date attempts to speak, interrupt them with useless facts about cheese.

Be as annoying and rude as possible.  But beware, your date may just like cheese.  If so, fart loudly and fan the smell with your restaurant menu.  Do not smile when doing so.


Have your wife call during dessert. 

This will raise more questions than a little bit.  To be a top-notch jack ass, invite her along and compare your wife to your date.  Don’t compliment either your wife or your date and refer to yourself only in third person.  Once your date finishes pinching herself in disbelief, insist that she owes you money for her half of the meal and a partial payment for your wife’s meal.



Pick your nose a lot.

To ensure that no one misses what you are doing, be sure to announce each time you’ve felt a booger and show it to the disgusted audience.


Stuff all of your food into your mouth at once and whistle the theme song to the Andy Griffith Show.  

 


Compliment your date’s legs – from underneath the table.  

Be sure to pack a hockey mask as this usually ends with a swift kick to the nose.


Remove the top half of your clothes until your nipples are completely exposed.

It won’t matter if your date walks out on you because nine times out of ten you’re going to leave with someone else anyway.


Sneeze on your date’s food and then ask, “Are you gonna eat that?”

The more moist the sneeze, the better.  Oh, and don’t forget to leave your manners and Kleenex at home!


Getting someone to lose interest in you is not that difficult actually, especially if you’re still on 1st date status; that is unless your date is a psychopath, a total Grade F, or someone so desperate for attention that no matter what you do bad, it’s all good.  Even if you’ve fallen into a trap of dating one of the types listed above, it’s not impossible to come up with a quick crash and burn.  All it takes is a little more effort to be even more annoying.  And 90% of any effort is getting started.



Quote of the week:
   “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then give up.  There’s no sense being a damn fool about it.”

Interview with the Blanche Devereaux of the Projects

Many say that you only fall in love once, but there are some people who believe that theory to be total B.S.  For those of you who don’t believe you can find true love more than once in a lifetime, you obviously haven’t met LaShawnquonifa Latoya Fu – “FuFu” for short; the Blanche Devereaux of the projects.  HottywoodHelps.com sat down with FuFu to get her take on the subject of love.

“It couldn’t be a colder day on the planet where I stand in front of an ice cream truck, shivering in me’ knickers, in the middle of a neighborhood where the only thing that looks safe is the corner stop sign.  Finally after checking my watch for the fourth time, up walks the fabulous FuFu, clad in her oversized bamboo earrings, gold teeth and kinky tracks.”

 

 

Hottywood:  What’s up, beautiful?  Come here and show me some love!  You’re looking delicious as always.

**

FuFu:  Thanks, boo-boo.  You know how I roll.  You wanna taste?

 


“…Now if the ice cream truck in the dead of winter in the middle of a neighborhood where everyone wears designer bullet proof vests wasn’t a big enough  DO NOT ENTER sign, FuFu’s stank wedgie walk and peek-a-boo sandals should’ve been the only red flag I needed.  I could barely take in all of her tackiness because my eyes were locked on her cold ass toes.  On the bright side, any ice cream truck that sells steak & cheese sandwiches and chicken wings, whether it’s the winter time or the summer, has got to be worth the risk.”


Hottywood:  Uh, no.  I’m not real particular on leftovers, but thanks for the offer.  But that’s what we’re here to talk about, right?  I hate to get right to business but it’s colder than a muhfukkah out here!  HA!  Eh look, thanks for taking the time to talk with me.

**

FuFu:  Oh you know I’ll do anything for you.  You can get it!

**

Hottywood:  You play too much.  We can talk about that later, off the record.  For now let’s talk relationships. As I’ve been talking to people off the block, I’ve learned that a lot of folk believe a person can only fall in love once in a lifetime; twice if you’re lucky.  But you seem to be the exception to the rule.  You’ve managed to find love many many many many many times with just about every dude in the neighborhood.  There are names for people like you.  “…Social Butterfly.”


“I bet you thought I was going to say something else, didn’t you?”


Hottywood: What’s your secret?

**

FuFu:  First of all, I ain’t no weak ass butterfly.  I’m a cross between a sting ray and a peacock.  Mmm hmm.  Yup.  And B) the secret is, “keep no secrets.”  People who keep secrets have something to hide.  That make people don’t trust you and stuff.  I just keep it real with people and roll with people who keep it real with me.  Especially dudes that keep it real.  Mmph!  That sh*t is sexy as a mug!   But see, some of these hoes out here be thinking they can bottle their sh*t up and sell it.  I ain’t like that.   I ain’t selling my sh*t fo’ nobody!  That’s just nasty.

**

Hottywood:  Um…  Cause if you sold it that would make you a whore?

**

FuFu:  Yeah, boo!  There you go!  You know what I’m talkin’ about.  And I ain’t nobody’s whore.  I respect myself too much for that, shuuuu.


“I have to be honest with you.  FuFu’s high pitched voice is slowly tearing the inside of my ears.  I really don’t know what the hell she just said and her chewing gum is damn near trying to jump out of her mouth.”


FuFu:  When I kick it with a dude I’m down for whatever.  Ride or die chick, like Eve.  But Ion’t get down until I know it’s the real thing.  Love.  True love.  Dudes don’t be trying to show their feelings cause they want to look all hard in front of all their boys and stuff, but when we be kicking it at his house or my house, or around back in the laundry room stairwell, they always tell me they love me.

**

Hottywood:  …Okaaaay…so explain to me how you’ve been so “lucky” to fall in love so many times and particularly with every guy on the block.  You don’t think that’s a little ironic?

**

FuFu:  Ion’t know.  I guess it’s just meant for me to have a boyfriend or something.  It’s just meant to be.  Right under my nose ring.

**

Hottywood:  Do you have a boyfriend now?

**

FuFu:  No, not right now.  But it’s funny ’cause as soon as a guy just stops calling me, one of his friends comes up and tells me he’s been eyeing me er’y since I hooked up with whoever just broke up with me.  Next thing you know, they be bringing me french fries with extra salt, pepper and ketchup and buying me all these drinks at the club and stuff.  Ion’t know, something about a man who wines and dines me just gets my coochie wet, you know?

**

Hottywood:  And just like that you move on from your last relationship on to a new one…?

**

FuFu:  Mmm hmm.

**

Hottywood:  And these relationships are serious[?].  And physical I assume.  They tell you they love you; do you love them?

**

FuFu:  Of course I love them.  Ion’t just sleep around unless I know I love somebody.  I’m a classy b*tch.  Plus I like french fries.

**

Hottywood:  Wait.  I’m a little confused.  So they tell you they love you and then ya’ll go do your business?

**

FuFu:  Yeah.  Whatchu think this is? Ion’t know why, dudes just be falling in love with me real quick.  It must be my pretty smile or sum’in.

**

Hottywood:  But these guys all know each other which obviously means they know about you.  You don’t think it’s a little strange that your ex-boyfriends’ friends suddenly become interested after you’ve broken up?

**

FuFu:  What’s strange about that?

**

Hottywood:  You’re right.  What could I possibly be thinking?  Do any of your exes call you?

**

FuFu:  Whatchu mean, for like booty calls and stuff or just to talk?

**

Hottywood:  Yeah.  What you said.

**

FuFu:  They do, and we’re cool and stuff.   Well, except for me and my babys’ fathers.  But er’ybody else is cool.  I just don’t let none of ‘em come over if I’m dating someone else.  That would be disrespectful, you know what I mean?  Oh and Ion’t want my kids to see all that, you know?  I gotta set an example and sh*t.

**

Hottywood:  So if you’re not dating then they can come over for a conjugal?

**

FuFu:  A what?

**

Hottywood:  A conjugal…  …a booty call.

**

FuFu:  Oh.  Yeah, why not?  Ion’t have no problem with that if I ain’t committed.  And sometimes they be telling me they miss me and want to come by to give me money to get my hair done or buy a new fake Louis Vuitton bag or some shoes or sum’in.  So you know it’s all good.

**

Hottywood:  Oh well that’s different.  That’s not to be confused with putting yourself out there for money though, right?

*


“Does anyone else see RED FLAGS all over this???”


FuFu:  Unh Unh.  I ain’t standing on no street corner or nuffin.  They just be giving me money.  The funny part is after it’s all over, if I get in the shower or fall asleep or something, when I wake up or come back in the room, money just be sitting on the bed or the dresser.  Ion’t even have to ask for it.  Ain’t that sweet?


“Smells rotten if you ask me.”


I just seem to attract a lot of men and Ion’t even have to leave my street to meet ‘em.  I think a lot girls be jealous of me and stuff but I can’t help that I’m popular and easy on the eyes.

**

Hottywood:  Easy?

**

FuFu:  Mmm Hmm; …easy on the eyes.

**

Hottywood:  Oh, oh, oh.  Yeah right.  That’s what I thought you said.  …So you like the way things are right now?  Everything’s going great?  …you’re happy?

**

FuFu:  Hell yeah boo-boo.  I mean, I wish I had a boyfriend or something right now, but I’m patient.  Why?  You trying to come over?

**


“Either a gunshot went off in the alley next to the ice cream truck or FuFu is throwing me a low blow. There is no other word to describe this moment better than, ‘…um.'”

I hate to interrupt the flow of the story, kiddies, but sadly the interview continued to take a quick trip down a short drain. And by that I mean I couldn’t stomach the ignorance of this broad.  FuFu is a cool chick and all and definitely someone worth having around when the carry out cashier tries to overcharge you for your food, but there’s only so much naivete’ one can take.

She went on and on about her ideal husband, describing him as someone who would have a lot of money, drive a big truck, and always offer her some of his beer. “…You know, what every woman looks for in a man.”  Her words.  Not mine.

After a few more shameless passes, gum popping and head pats, FuFu received a phone call from her ex, Datrell (but everyone around the way calls him Briefcase because he handles his business.)

He offered to take her to a movie and Burger King, so she had to get the coarse baby hair on the back of her neck straightened out and find a babysitter.  She asked me if I could watch her kids, but unfortunately it was the anniversary of the first day I ever noticed someone’s toenails could actually scrape the ground.  I had big plans.  I know, I know. Darn the luck.

Whatever the case for the end of the Q & A, I was thankful.  Never in my life have I had the UNpleasure of talking to someone so blinded, without morals and completely oblivious to her own self-values.

Ladies, and this goes to you, too, fellas; don’t get stuck in a box.  The world and the lives that it ensues are way too big for that.  It’s not worth anything at all if you keep being good at something you’re bad at.  Don’t be a LaShawnquonifa.


Quote of the Week:    “It’s not worth anything at all if you keep being good at something you’re bad at.”

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 2-8, 2011

This week your underwear may have less holes in them and you might be asked out on a date to end your dry spell.  However, you won’t know for sure until you’ve had your fortune told by the one and only Hottywood! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If crap was money, you’d be rich! You’re going to be full of two things this week: Sh*t and drama.  It’s time to suit up, champ…it’s going to be a tough week. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to have Athlete’s Foot in your left armpit.  The worst part is you’re going to spend the rest of the week trying to figure out how the hell this is possible. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Your farts will take on a personality of their own, much like Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

All of your breakfasts will taste like strained corn chips.  Try washing your mouth out with soap or brushing your teeth for a change.   

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You have something special to smile about; your deodorant hasn’t given out on you – yet.  Things are looking up.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The only answer you can muster up to anyone’s question is, “Because I said so, biatch.” Watch your back. Someone’s going to whoop your ass.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

A blessing is headed your way in the shape of an onion loaf or possum poop. It’s going to be a good week, though a little funky.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Looking at yourself in the mirror will make you realize just how allergic you are to stupid ass people.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

It’s time to take on the personality of someone else because no one likes who you really are right now. Either stop or start being an asshole. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If anyone asks you what that thing is on your lip, just tell them you were stung by a mutant bumble bee. Your secret’s safe with me. o_~

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

I would only order shrimp when eating out, if I were you.  Any other kind of meat may not be exactly what you expect it to be.  However, the food poisoning could equal some days out of work.

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Life would be so different if you’d have only made the right decision when you had the chance. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…”

 

Conversation Hogs Really Stink

Boys and girls of the class, raise your hand if you find it not quite so funny when a friend, associate or even someone you couldn’t care any less about seems to work their personal problems into a conversation with you, in hopes that you’d ask them what’s wrong.  

This act is done by a lot of people and overlooked by many.  It goes unnoticed because it’s one of those things no one actually stops to pay attention to, needless to say except the person who keeps working their issues into the convo.  The subtle remarks are carefully inserted into related [and sometimes unrelated] subject matters and seemingly come out of nowhere, yet make the biggest silent impact on the person who’s forced to hear it and care even less than they did when the situation remained cohort.    

This may come as a shock to some, but the truth of the matter is more people than you’d think could give a sh*t about your problems because everyone on the planet has problems of their own, so if no one asks you what’s wrong after the fiftieth time you’ve griped about your uninteresting predicament, it’s pretty much common knowledge that no one really cares.  Stop imposing and stop whining.  Just stop because the person you’re buzzing up has long since stopped listening.  The only person who can get away with speaking without actually saying anything is the teacher on “Charlie Brown,” and after a while even a viewer changes the channel.  

If you want someone to know what the hell’s going on with you, tell them.  Don’t beat around the bush.  Don’t drop not-so-subtle hints.  Don’t be slick with it.  Most people aren’t going to jump into your business willingly and consciously because they don’t want to be blamed for any dumb decisions you make. Most people aren’t going to comment on your issues because you’ve probably spit out the answers to your own questions anyway.  Most people are probably going to look straight through you in an effort to see the nearest “Exit” sign hanging somewhere behind you.  However if you’re not careful, one day you’re going to come up against someone that isn’t like most people.  And that person will willingly listen to you gloat about the stupidity and/or humdrum that is your life and will turn around and do one or all of the following:  (1) Tell you the truth – something you probably don’t want to hear; (2) Tell you, “so what?” – something else that you probably don’t want to hear; or (3) Tell any and everyone all about your business – and in case you didn’t know, your dirt sounds way more interesting coming from someone who isn’t you. The problem is words get twisted when they are spoken from someone else’s lips.  But because you insist on monopolizing an unwarranted conversation with someone who blatantly doesn’t give a rat’s ass, that’s just the price you have to pay.  Whether you learn a lesson or not isn’t anyone else’s problem but your own.  On the other hand as we stay true to the subject of this post, that last statement goes in one ear and right out of the other.  

If I were to tell you that 90% of any effort is getting started, I’d most likely be referring to you learning when to shut up. 

____________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “Some people talk a whole lot about nothing because it’s the only thing they know anything about.” 

Refresher Course: What Not To Do on a First Date

In this day and age, dating has become more difficult than ever, well with all the games that  people play and the stipulations for the potentialities of the dates themselves.  Some people are hopeful while others bear all on chance, luck and booze.  But if you ask me, no matter how dry your well is or how hot your crotch may be, there should still be some limitations on what should and shouldn’t be considered acceptable “dating” behavior, especially when referring to the dreaded first date. 

Today we are not going to focus on all the right things that should take place during a first date.  It’s too mushy and not as much as fun as pin-pointing all the wrong and bad sh!t that can and more often than not goes wrong.  We’ve discussed first date rules before, however during my course of eavesdropping on conversations at a few dine-in establishments over the last few weeks, I’ve concluded that a ball park figure of about five gazillion daters need to be reminded of what not to do on a first date.  I understand that there may be some that asks who am I say?  Quite frankly, responding in my best Rick James voice, “I’m Hottywood, bitch!” 

Rule #1: Don’t show up for a first date showing too much.  I’m not going to spend too much time focusing on this because I’m sure all you bright citizens (and illegal aliens – the rules of dating apply to all who ultimately wants to get laid one day or one way or another) know what the hell I mean. 

Ladies, don’t show too much cleavage (that includes back cleavage), legs (especially if your date is the size of Professor Clump, because he may mistake them for drum sticks and may possibly try to eat you using a pitch fork, a butter knife and the nearest bottle of hot sauce), forehead zits (for obvious reasons) or wear too much makeup (think Ronald McDonald or the creepy little puppet from all the Saw movies.  Your bad makeup job will be the first thing your date sees and the last thing they remember, causing you to be the punch line of all their jokes as they tell their friends what a disaster you were your date was).  Doing any of these things will change your date’s perspective of you, causing him/her to think you’re cheap, horny, greasy, a piece of meat or an extra in a rural area carnival side show.  Don’t get me wrong, ladies.  By all means, please tease!  You want to give your date something to look forward to.  Just be careful not to serve it all on a platter before time of the main course.  Everyone knows all things don’t taste as good as they smell.  

Fellas, don’t show too much chest hair (old school pimp status), man boobs (no chick wants a man who has to buy and wear more bras than she does), ding ding prints (proves that your pants are too tight and may result in your Johnson not working right and causes your manhood to stink like rotten ketchup), belly button rings, tongue piercings or toe rings (are all gay and looks stupid on a man and if you wear them you should have a drink thrown in your face and never be allowed to date again).  

Rule #2: Lose the cell phone for a while.  It’s not a good look to give the illusion that you are more important than you are, especially when the person you’re breaking bread with doesn’t know enough about you to care.  It makes you look like you’re eager to show that you have friends or overly proud that you just bought a new cell phone.  It’s also rude and indicates that the person you’re communicating with over the phone warrants your attention more than the person you’re communicating with over the table.  If that’s the case then you made the date with the wrong person and you need to take your ass back home and try again and hope like hell they don’t do the same thing to you. Also cell phone frequencies slowly causes cancer and makes your appetizer course taste funny. 

Rule #3: Tongue kissing on a first date is a no-no!  Let’s be honest, nobody knows where the hell your lips have been, much less your tongue.  Halitosis may be an issue.  Gum disease could be a problem.  You wouldn’t get punched in the teeth for forgetting your dentures, obviously but you could still get decked some place else unless you forget your false stomach or your silicone forehead.  Try a kiss on a cheek (the face, not the ass).  It’s safer.  You even want to be careful kissing someone on their hand because if no one ever told you, people do some strange things with their hands. 

Rule #4: Don’t reveal too much personal information.  Under any circumstances do you ever want to reveal too much about yourself too soon.  Very rarely do you get a second chance to make a first impression.  Do not bring up your money problems because they imply that you are either cheap, broke, a closeted bank robber or an excessive gambler.  Don’t talk about any past relationships because it will lead your date down a path of searching for reasons [through your words and actions during the remaining moments of your get-together] of why your ass is single now.  Don’t talk about your sex life.  That’s an instant buzz kill simply because there are so many red flags attached.  For example, when you talk about your past love life, you look horny, desperate, prostitutish, and often times not hot enough for anyone to believe that you’ve gotten the ass you’re boasting about.  If you must bore your potential companion with a serious case of TMI, make sure it isn’t until the liquor bottle is half empty, that way you can blame your diarrhea of the mouth on the booze and your date will more likely appreciate being drunk so they don’t have to comprehend what you’re actually saying.

Rule #5: Last but not least, don’t spend any time blatantly advertising how attractive you are.  Let your date do that, otherwise you might as well strap a full length body mirror to the vacant seat at your dinner table.  Truth be told, anyone who thinks that much of their self isn’t worth thinking much about. 

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Quote of the week:  “People are like foreign foods.  Everything that smells good doesn’t taste good.”

The Self-Evaluation Quiz

SELF-EVALUATION QUIZ 

It’s never easy to accept that you have flaws, despite the flaws anyone may point out.  Luckily for you Hottywood Helps!  This little quiz will help you to realize that your ass is not as perfect as you think.  Be warned that the truth hurts. But in the end, hurt never felt so good; although in this case it might.  

When do you feel your best? 

  1. When you find yourself hooked up to an IV full of coffee. 
  2. When you’re too drunk to know where the hell you are.
  3. When you’re nipples are hardest.
  4. When you’ve waken up in a strange bed after a drunken romp with a horny one-eyed stud muffin from a Kansas trailer park. 
  5. When someone boosts your ego.
  6. Never.  You’re the complete opposite of “life of the party.”  

When talking to people do you

  1. Spit?    
  2. Stare at boobs?
  3. Avoid eye contact?
  4. Blink excessively?
  5. Let your underarms do all the talking?
  6. None of the above. You never speak to anyone because people say you sound as if you have a moutful of caramel.    

When you go to a party or social gathering, do you 

  1. Sneak in the back door wearing criss-cross jeans and Shaq-brand tennis shoes from Payless or someplace even more cheap? 
  2. Make a loud and obnoxious entrance so everyone will have a legitimate reason to avoid you all night?  
  3. Announce the pee stain on your pants because you couldn’t find the bathroom.  
  4. French kiss all of the other guests after eating a bag of Funyons? 
  5. Fart out of the wrong end when you laugh uncontrollably?
  6. None of the above. You never get invited to parties.  

When you go out to eat in a public restaurant, do you   

  1. Chew with your mouth open because it’s more convenient to stuff more food down your throat while you’re still chewing what’s already in there?
  2. Belch without saying excuse me (…although there’s nothing wrong with that unless you’re a midget.  Then it’s just gross.)? 
  3. Order the most expensive meal on the menu knowing that you’re broke as shit?
  4. Accidentally forget to wear pants on purpose?
  5. Steal the utensils from the next table while the occupants are using them?
  6. None of the above. You’ve been banned from public eating establishments for reasons only known by you and God and your imaginary friends.  

When you are bored, do you  

  1. Make prank phone calls to old people and Chinese pet detectives?             
  2. Clean the lint out of your belly button?             
  3. Speak backwards while groping your private parts or the private parts of the person to whom you are speaking?
  4. Try to whistle at a frequency only dogs can hear (mother-in-laws and supervisors not included)?  
  5. Make plans with more than one person knowing damn well you don’t have enough gas in your car to make it pass the hooker on the corner at the top of the hill? 
  6. None of the above. With the all the voices in your head, you never get bored. 

40 Excuses To Get Out of Work

Everyone knows work is the playground for the game of life’s tricks. Written in just about every employee handbook across the nation is a clause that limits our toleration of deadlines, meeting changes and everyone’s last minute assignments but our own. Because of this taming of the shrew, we are paid not to get beside ourselves when burdens become too much to bear without the heavy use of profanity, a 2×4 plank and a shot of non-communion wine. No matter how large the paychecks or how great the incentives, it’s safe to say that there are some days where we just don’t feel like being bothered with the game, the playground or the players. So to beat game at its own game, you have got to be able to think quick on your feet and be a better bullshitter than it.  

The most common bullshit of them all is not minimizing your computer screen from the Solitaire game when your snoopy coworkers sneak into your cubicle. It is without question coming up with the best excuses to get out of work for the day.  

According to a popular employment recruiting site, about 41% of hiring managers are suspicious of their employee’s excuses for getting out of work. Outside of a little cold or minor car trouble, most excuses aren’t believable, they say. I say “horse pucky!” What do they know? If life throws its highest cards at you while you sit behind a desk working for a stiff in a name brand necktie, why the hell shouldn’t you get a little creative with your excuses not to deal? After all, it is a game and your boss and coworkers are all major players on the field. If you must play you might as well get a little gutter with it. They’re dicking you one way or another.  

Below are a few excuses that’ll help you cut your days at the office in half by 100%. Free free to use them at your leisure because although not being bothered is more than less than rare, having a good excuse not to fill a seat in the next departmental staff meeting trumps any card every time. Whether it’s believable or not is something the receiving ear has to take up with God.

 40 Excuses To Get Out of Work

  1. My bangs fell out and now I must to go buy some synthetic tresses or either a pack of extra thick eye brow hair to cover my big ass forehead.

  2. I’m renting a baby llama for my girlfriend’s niece’s best friend’s business partner’s cousin and I need to stay home to vacuum the poop from the front door foyer and tip the delivery man.

  3. I got my private parts stuck in the zipper of my pants and need immediate medical attention.

  4. At 3:00PM I’ve been scheduled to referee a pie fight between the Comcast and Verizon Fios cable men, since they both think their cable services are the best. The loser will come in next week to make up the hours that I’ve missed today.

  5. I ran over a squirrel while texting during an illegal street race with a blind man on a bike.

  6. The goldfish that I flushed this morning stopped up the toilet and now my cup runneth over.

  7. I have to go to the airport to pick up my French-Asian pen pal, Delicia Van Wu.

  8. My son beat up his teacher for taking his M&Ms during recess. The teacher threatened to have him expelled and now I have to go beat the teacher’s ass, myself.

  9. There is an embarrassingly foul odor coming from only one of my armpits and I am afraid to leave the house because the stench might kill the pigeons that built a nest over my garage door.

  10. I’m getting my butt hairs braided at the African hair gallery after lunch and will not be returning to the office. Ever.

  11. Today is the only day that I am available to read my daughter’s diary without her knowing.

  12. Today is National I Don’t Give a Fuck Day and I don’t give a fuck what you say, I will not be in the office at all.

  13. I have a mandatory meeting with all the voices in my head and two bill collectors.

  14. Someone told me that toenails can get long enough to scrape the ground. Now that my toenails have finally grown to an unbelievable length, I’d like to test the theory out for myself.

  15. My turrets syndrome of belching keeps flaring up.

  16. I’ve been meaning to return the library book that I borrowed back in the ninth grade. It’s slightly overdue by about eighteen years.

  17. I’m putting my great uncle in a rest home and I need to go visit his grave to see if he approves of the neighborhoods the homes are located in.

  18. My boyfriend just broke up with me and I have to go slash all the tires on his 10-speed bike. Training wheels included.

  19. My kotex string broke.

  20. I’m having man cramps.

  21. My neighbor’s daughter swallowed my cat’s hairball and now I must call a vet to get a referral to a doctor.

  22. I got laryngitis in my middle finger and will be unable to tell anyone to fuck off for three days.

  23. My car flipped over six times before hurling over the rail of the 5th Street Bridge. I’m calling from the bottom of the ocean. I probably won’t be in tomorrow either unless there is an express way from Heaven leading to the office.

  24. My grandmother ran out of glaucoma medicine and I have to stand on the corner and try to hustle a hustler into giving me a stash on credit. That could take all day.

  25. I have massive rug burns on my knees and am unable to walk. You’ll have to get your own damn cup of coffee today!

  26. I lost all my money playing bingo and now I don’t have any change to get on the bus.

  27. I’m stuck in the photo booth at Walmart.

  28. The dog ate my car keys. My wife at my car.

  29. A booty call stole my alarm clock while I was in the bathroom coming up with a good excuse not to come to work.

  30. I can’t find my shoes or my pet tarantula.

  31. There is a busload of Jehovah’s witnesses outside my door and I’m hiding under the couch until they go away. This may take a while.

  32. With all the boiled eggs I ate this morning I don’t want shit to hit the fan.

  33. My mother-in-law came to town for the weekend and got into a terrible accident. I have to take her to the hospital for emergency surgery to get the stick removed from her ass.

  34. My wife’s melons are sore from her recent breast implants and she needs me to stay home to massage them.

  35. I won’t be in the office today because I owe someone money and work is the first place they’ll look for me. Oops! You’re the one I owe money to.

  36. After reviewing my last paycheck, I suddenly became claustrophobic.

  37. Someone told me hard work doesn’t guarantee a successful win so I’m not going to waste my time today.

  38. I think my cocker-spaniel caught an STD from the neighborhood bitch and needs to be taken to the puppy clinic to get tested.

  39. I’m calling in blind cause I just don’t see it happening today.

  40. All my underwear have holes in them and I used the last bar of soap last night.

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Quote of the week:  “Conway’s Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on – This person must be fired.”

Department Store Sales Associates are the Enemy

I have a question.

Am I the only one that wishes I had a bottle of insect repellent every time I walk inside a department store?  I mean really.  Is it absolutely necessary for a sales associate to hang around me like a mosquito? What is the politically correct way of telling them to get the hell away from me that doesn’t involve punching and a three-on-one battle with mall security?  Seriously, it’s like as soon as I walk into the store I can feel their beaty little eyes counting the change in my pockets with their x-ray vision. 

Attention Department Store Sales Associates: “When I’m ready to spend my money, I’ll let you know.” 

I shouldn’t walk into a store and feel as if I’ve stumbled into the wrong part of town where hustlers, prostitutes and crackheads throw themselves at me for my money.  In fact it makes me hold tighter to my wallet.  This is not only a major turn off, but a clear cut case of ‘No Way You’re Not Getting Any Commission Off Of Me, Sucka…I Have Mace!’ 

Explain to me why you think following me around the store like metal to a magnet and telling me I look good in the ugliest pair of jeans you have on the rack is going to persuade me to extinguish the fire that’s burning a hole in my pocket.  If you would only take a minute and think to yourself inside one of these dressing rooms, you’d consider the notion that I worked approximately 70 to 80 hours for 10% of my paycheck and there is no way in hell or any other place that’s equally as hot 3 months out of the year that I’m just gonna hand it over to you, just because you flashed some phony ass smile. 

You’re getting paid what…like four bucks an hour?  I know you’re making your wages off me.  But this is how it’s supposed to go: I walk in.  You greet me [cue your phony smile].  I browse around for a while.  You keep your hungry vulture-like appetite to yourself until you see that I’m blatantly undecided between two items in my hand.  Then you ask me if I need help with anything. 

The formula is simple.  It’s just like trying to get someone’s number at a party, club, or wherever fate may lead you.  Have some game before you make your move.  Take your time. Then ease your way in.  Otherwise you’ll end up being that weirdo at the party that gets no play! 

So I’m gonna keep this one short and sweet.  Back up and be patient.  I came to shop.  You’re here to sell.  It’s the rule.  It was established, like forever ago. 

The hungriest dog doesn’t always get the bone. 

Now let’s try this again.  It can’t be that hard.  After all, 90% of any effort is getting started. 

Okay, ready. Set. GO…!

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Quote of the Week:   Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a
lack of imagination.”

You Can’t Move Up if Your Pants are Falling Down

A life without secrets is boring.  Shocking, I know…but true nonetheless.  Secrets build character and adds to the intrigue of a person.  They have a way of making you wonder what someone has to hide, therefore making that someone interesting.  Secrets are good and everyone should have at least one.  In fact, the mystique of a secret often leads to great unknown possibilities. 

However such is not the case for my peeps who insist on showing their ass. 

This one goes out to all my fellas; for the love of all mankind, “Pull yo’ damn pants up!”  

Fellas, what kind of opportunities do you think will open up to you if the best selling point about yourself is the type of underwear you buy?  If there’s anything you need to share with all the rest of the world the least, it should be your damn drawers.  

Now I consider myself to be an “in” kind of guy but we’ve gone from one extreme to another.  First it was those wretched skinny jeans.  Or as I like to call them, “straight jackets for legs.”  I thought we’d never get over that phase.    And now this?!  Seriously, 85% of men wear the same underwear for at least three days, anyway, before switching to a new pair.  So what’s the point?  Why does anyone feel a need to publically showcase their dirty unmentionables?  And more importantly, what the hell is so stylish about this? 

Is it really necessary to show the entire world your Fruit of the Looms, tighty whities or skid marks?  I have but only one word to say in response to this intimate issue that translates into a big, fat T.M.I. (Too Much Information).  And I think it’s safe to speak for everyone when I say, “Ugh.”  

Real talk, ya’ll.  Stop. 

I challenge you to remember this one little thing even if you never remember anything else for the rest of your days: 

“Never trust anyone who shows their ass before they show they face.”  

This just in… “Belts are not the enemy.”  It’s time to step outside the box and give them a try. 

TIDBIT ABOUT BELTS:

In modern times, men started wearing belts in the 1920s, as trouser waists fell to a lower line.  Before the 1920s, belts served mostly a decorative purpose, and were associated with the military.  Today it is common for men to wear a belt with their trousers.

Since the mid 1990s, the practice of sagging has been popular at times among young men and boys.  This fashion trend consists of wearing the trousers very low on the hips, often exposing the underwear and buttocks of the wearer.  This urban style, which has roots tracing to prison gangs and the prohibition of belts in prison (due to their use as weapons and devices for suicide) has remained popular into the 21st century, particularly among pubescent boys. 

So it kind of pisses me off to see old men walking around with their waist hems dropped to their knee caps, or young boys who may not grow up because they’re following the stupid fashion trend of letting their pants fall down.  

What is it about the concept of belts that is so difficult to grasp?  Belts represent power.  Think of a dad whooping some sense into his bad ass kid’s ass.  Not only does a belt represent power, it represents authority, control and style

Speaking of style, a belt is one of the first three things a person looks at in order to determine a man’s character, or to someone who’s completely shallow and materialistic, it determines a man’s physical attraction. 

After all, it is often said that the necktie, the belt and the shoes make all of the man. 

I don’t know where that saying came from.  Probably some chick.  But who cares?  Whatever keeps the underwear concealed works for me.  There are just some things one man doesn’t need to know about another, and one of those some things are his drawers.

A wise man once said, “If you reveal too much, you’re left with no secrets to keep.”

The bottom line, folks, is this:  As much as most people want to pretend it isn’t true, appearance is the first thing anyone sees when it comes to making a [premature] assessment about someone.  If the first thing seen is someone’s butt, then it’s easy to assume that either that person is an ass or their ass is the most interesting thing about them.  Some might beg to differ, but whoever does is probably just as much of an ass as the asshole that shows his ass before he shows his face.

The only opportunities that are going to open up for pants-saggers are chances to lay up with some jezebel who’s trying to find a baby daddy; get arrested by policemen who are patrolling to fill their arrest quotas for the week; and being approached by drug abusers who are looking for a new contact and quick fix.  And while we’re at it, let’s consider the image it sets for adolescents who mimic the stupidities of adults who should know how to set better examples for children, but don’t.     

Luck, life and anyone who isn’t getting royalty checks from the sales of rap records and sold out venues will tell you that you can’t move up in the world if your pants keep falling down.  That’s a sure way to get screwed in the end. 

FOR YOUR INFORMATION:

Belts aren’t the only thing that keeps your pants from falling.  Scotch tape, masking tape, duct tape, and even shoe strings can serve the same purpose as belts.  Homeless men are very inventive when it comes to keeping their pants up.  Want to know why?  The answer is simple.  Because they know that 90% of any effort is getting started. 

So fellas, I implore you to keep your skid marks to yourself.  There’s too many sh*tty things going on in this world to be bombarded by the sh*t that’s happening in your pants. 

RELATED ARTICLES:  A Nation Must Rise and Ban Together: Death to Skinny Jeans!

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Quote of the week:  “Never in the history of fashion has so little material been raised so high to reveal so much that needs to be covered so badly.”

Life Is Made of Choices: Remove Your Shoes or Scrub the Floor

In life we are introduced to new beginnings as we say goodbye to old endings.  Windows break with closing doors; backs heal from knives strategically placed by those you’d least suspect would kill your joy; friends come and go; hearts break and mend with time; and  lessons are learned with both careless and obvious mistakes.  It is the process and evolution of learning what you’re made of as well as identifying and not underestimating the bullsh*t of those who force you into a deep ditch of doo-doo.      

Life is all about choices…and there are plenty of them to make.  It’s not hard to make them when you know what your values are.  For it is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped.  

But whatever choices you are faced to make and for whatever reason, you have to be strong in yourself and firm in your own beliefs so that your heart will not be lead astray by someone else’s way of thinking.  

  • If you choose to wear Monday’s underwear on the Friday before you wash clothes, own up to being a stinky ass.  The choice is yours to make.  
  • If you choose to read books that have only pictures and no words, own up to being a dummy who appreciates the beauty in visual art.  The choice is yours to make.   
  • If you choose to serenade the deaf, own up to the possibility of not having enough talent to perform in front of those who may cover their ears with sticks of dynamite.  The choice is yours to make.   

The bottom line is if you don’t own up to the root of who you are or don’t design your own life plan, you’ll fall into someone else’s.  And guess what that someone else will have planned for you.  Often times, not much. 

Lucky for us all 90% of any effort is getting started.

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Quote of the week:  “There are times when a battle decides everything; and there are times when the most insignificant thing decides the outcome of a battle.”    –Napoleon Bonaparte

Happy 200th Post, Hottywood!

Guys & Gals, do you know what day it is?  It’s the day of Hottywood’s 200th post! 

That’s right.  100 posts ago we celebrated the shiftiness of awry relationships, bad first dates, lame businesses and the people that run them, chicken wing thieves and the shenanigans of self-absorbed people.  And now, 100 posts later, we break out the fire extinguisher to douse the flames of hot ass liars, cheaters, promise-breakers, seasonal friendships, silent crushes and bad choices that church goers make.  

The last 200 posts in review haven’t been all bad.  In addition to the help we’ve all received from Hottywood’s HORRORscopes, we’ve stumbled upon a world of unconventional advice from “Ask Hottywood!”, celebrated youth and their writing talents with the Jr. Hottywood Writer of the Month Initiative, dug up dirt on groundbreaking news of the happenings in the Hills of Hottywood and met the cast of the scandalous forthcoming Hottywood Helps: The Web-Series!  

It is true that the past 200 posts have been filled with bumps in the road but thanks to those bumps we can appreciate smooth sailing after repairing our tires from life’s potholes.  I’d be lying if I said the road traveled was easy.  And though some days have been harder than others, those days were not without purpose.  

Today I do not simply celebrate 200 posts of poking fun at people who foam out the corners of their mouth, or walk with paper towels under their armpits to soak up the excessive amount of sweat moisture.  Today is not about the victory of winning battles over competitive coworkers, associates, or customers who demand “Grade A” customer service when their people skills suck ass.  It is not about honoring people who unconsciously spit on your food when they talk.  Today I celebrate YOUthe readers!  I celebrate your warped out senses of humor; your refreshing delusions; your unbelievable questions; your giggles; your support; and even your doubts and hate mail.  I celebrate those who actually take the time to read.  I celebrate all those who accept my challenge to think for themselves before seeking approval to do some of the dumb sh*t they do.  I celebrate YOU because you’ve made this long walk a fun journey for my aching feet.  

I thank you and I invite you to stick around for another 200 posts.  There are great things in store for Hottywood Helps and it wouldn’t be much fun if I didn’t have you to share in the joy.  Now let us all turn to our neighbors, grab them by the nipples and say the following words:  “Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.”   

Peace, love and chicken grease to all my favorite mofos and mofettes!  Always remember that “90% of any effort is getting started.”  Now let’s eat cake! 

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Quote of the week:  “A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can see from the top of a mountain.”

Holy Hood Church of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle

My brothers and sisters, I have one question for you today.  Is the safest place on Earth no longer safe?   In this new day and age of time we have embarked on an era of deception, ridicule, blather and lies.  Sadly, we aren’t talking about the normality of water cooler gossip.  We instead are talking about the deep roots of the fallen church, better known to some as the Holy Hood Church of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle.  

Christian Brother suits, Armani neckties, and Donna Vinci suits for the misses with matching handbags are what a lot of microwave church goers are more concerned with these days rather than the good news of the great Word.  Today, church members are less impressed by the [church] bulletin and more intrigued by the garments that wrap the toned bodies of the deacons and trustees and their lovely wives.  But if you haphazardly remove those expensive tailored suits, the one thing you are left with is the dirty old bones that the instant brothers and sisters in Christ paid so much money to hide.  

No matter what church or denomination (however we can’t possibly be referring to any other church other than the Holy Hood Church of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle because everyone else’s place of worship is too holy for the sins of heathens), preachers are preaching one thing and are secretly getting away with the stuff they tell us are unholy; deacons are co-signing their preacher’s teachings in an effort to get promoted to pastor’s ace-boom-koom; trustees aren’t to be trusted with the funds that pour into the collection baskets and seemingly all goes down the drain; the nurses are too hungover to tend to the sick and shut in; the choirs are too tired from popping that thang in front of the pulpit; the security ministry can’t be found because they’re out on the corner making a transaction for their nameless glaucoma issues; and the ushers can’t make it to church on time to separate the full blown heathens from the heathens-in-training.  

What has the church come to?!  

First our babies are having babies, then clergymen are laying hands on young boys; holy women are doing unholy things under linens that aren’t pure as snow; tithes are paying light bills that refuse to shine on the truth, and the free-will offering comes with a price tag.  Pretty soon dirty laundry will be aired out over the pulpit or duked out over a battle of the bands from beyond the choir stand.  

Has it really come to the point where church goers only attend church for fear of missing out on the latest Sunday-worthy “Do Tell”?  How many people can answer the questions, “What’s the first and last book in the bible?” or “Which book rests in the center?”  “What’s the difference between the Lord’s supper and the last supper?”  or “What time does 8 o’clock service begin?” 

Well at the Holy Hood Church of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle, 8 o’clock service begins any time you open your eyes after getting in from the club, or dismissing the stranger you met last night on Easy Street from your bedroom, or after you’ve belched up your last residual gassage of Hennesy and coke.  Holy Hood Church of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle is the worship center where all are welcomed and none are judged.   At least that’s what they’re printing on their mass mail orders for monetary donations to the “Get John John & Lil Man Out of Jail” fund.   Thank heavens 90% of any effort is getting started, otherwise where in the hell would we be?  Let the people of the church say, “Amen.”

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Quote of the week:  “A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.” – Mark Twain

To Those Who Take Advantage of Others: The Jig is Up

Are you one of those people who are taken advantage of by folks in and out of your inner circle?  If you are, you’ll be happy to know that you’re not alone. 

A wise man once said, “some things are better left unsaid.”  Obviously that wise man wasn’t wise enough to have anyone need him for anything.  So he probably wasn’t that wise to begin with.  Therefore I, being the wise man that I am, am standing up to tell you that sometimes you need to tell needy mofos to get off your jock and fix their sh*t their damn selves, because if you weren’t around to make their lives easier, they’d have to do it themselves anyway.  Either you be honest and tell them to leave you the hell alone or simply kick them where the sun doesn’t shine…which is always the first alternative choice!  

To the people who only call when they need something.  You morons may think we are stupid but the only person who is stupid is you!  You can call us until you’re blue in the face but sooner or later we are going to tell you to go shove it.  When your name flashes across the caller id, if you’re not calling to tell us that someone has died, your best bet is call us to tell us you’re dying because that’s the only way we’re going to have enough sympathy to get off our asses to help your ass out.  If we needed something, could we call on you?   Hell no and you know it.  You creeps always have an excuse why you can’t be around when the chips are down.  So go choke on some potato chip crumbs.  And when your air pipes have clogged until you’re gasping for that last breath and you need a ride to the hospital, don’t call us because we won’t be available.  

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To the people who are too lazy or dumb to do anything for themselves.  You’re too indolent to take a wild stab in the dark to try to accomplish anything for yourself without the help of others so you whine and beg until someone feels sorry enough for your ass to give you a hand.  Well the jig is up, swine bait!  If we weren’t around to perform all the hard labor while you take the credit and smile in our faces, you’d have no other choice but to fend yourself.  So here’s a word of advice for you: No one likes laziness and not too many people can stand being around someone too dumb to take the initiative to invest in their own doing.  Because you are the type of person that you are, may your socks forever slouch to your ankles and your underwear always itch.  Those are two things no one is going to be dim-witted enough to work on for you, so let’s see if your balls are big enough to ask for help with that.  

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To the people who only help you when there’s something in it for them.  We’ve peeped your game.  You only come around when there’s something in it for you, that’s why no one bothers to call you for anything.  We will give you a little bit of credit though, for offering your help, even if it does mean you’re only offering because you think you’re going to get something out of the deal.  Well how about this?  We’ll promise to give you a cut of the profit for lending us your help, but we won’t promise on when we’ll deliver on that promise.  That’s right, just like you’re intending on using us for your own personal gain, we can play that game right along with you, you selfish skunk butt.  We’re not idiots.  We’re going to accept any help you offer us, but after we’ve used you for what we need, we’re simply going to accidentally push you over a cliff because we already know you’re not gullible enough not to realize that we’re playing you at your own game.  But we’re pretty confident that you’re credulous enough to fall for your own prank once.  We’re not giving you that much credit.

To sum it up nicely; if you think we’re going to continue to be your crutch, for whatever reason, then the left side of your brain is just as malfunctioned as your right.  We are smart enough to know that if all you assholes keep coming to us for help, then we are smarter than we give ourselves credit for.   And if we don’t think we’re that smart, we’re smart enough to know that 90% of any effort is getting started.  So what we don’t know we can surely learn.  And learn it we shall without any help from you!   Sianara byches! 

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Quote of the week:   He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.