This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

I read your column all the time and laugh at some of the [relationship] advice you give to your readers. Well this time I’m coming to you for that same enlightening advice.

For the last two and a half weeks, I’ve been seeing a young lady that I met by way of a mutual friend. The introduction was initially set up because of our supposed similar interests. I should probably say that we went all the way on our first date, thus in my eyes, placing her on booty call status. However in HER eyes, I’m THE ONE. In these short days I’ve become a just-add-water husband. She’s told all of her friends and family about me, made me her beneficiary in the likeliness of her untimely demise, and is now talking marriage, children, and where we’re going to live once we’ve retired.

I’ve tried to tell her that she’s moving way too fast and that I very much enjoy my bachelor life, but that doesn’t seem to be getting through her thick skull. I don’t want to hurt her, but I don’t want anything more to do with her than a quick “What’s up?” on somebody’s instant message chat service.

How can I dump this chick without breaking her heart?

HELP. I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP

Dear HELP. I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP,

BREAK UPIt sounds like you’ve gotten yourself into one fine mess. Should I bother to pinpoint where you made your mistakes? You slept with her already; you’ve entertained her love lust for you; and you’ve kept her around even though you told her you like to roll as a bachelor.

You’re giving her the impression as though there’s still some hope for her delusional ass. As long as you continue to pretend to be interested she’s going to continue to actually be interested.

Sadly, judging by the way you’ve described how she’s latched on to your nuts, it doesn’t look like you’re going to make a clean break from ol’ gal. You have one of three options here.

  1. Tell her the truth. “Bish, Ion’t want you!” Wait. That may be too harsh. “I’m not interested. It’s not me. It’s you.” It still may be a little harsh, but the truth will set you free. Free from this Earth when she runs over your ass with a dune buggy. No matter how you spin it, telling her the truth is going to break her heart because you’ll be telling her something she doesn’t want to hear. Let me just warn you now to watch out for the water works. No man is safe from a woman when she begins to cry.
  2. Pick an argument with her. It doesn’t matter what the argument is about. It could be over the smallest, dumbest thing you can think of. Tell her you hate the way her hairy knees feel when they brush up against the back of your legs when you two lay in bed together. Whatever excuse you come up with, though, be sure to make a big, ignorant deal out of it. The key to this trick is to make her out to be the bad guy [tell her she should be whipped with a bag of nickels for having hairy knees]. And no matter what she says or does, do not let her accept the blame for the argument…or shave her knees. You want her knees to stay hairy in the event she traps some other dude after you and he needs a good excuse to dump her ass.
  3. Be a real man and disappear into the wind. Cut off all communication her; text, phone, email, messenger pigeon, foam cups and string, miming – the whole 9.

There’s not going to be an easy way to get out of this so you should probably expect to come out with a few scars. If you’re still standing in the end though with all of your body parts intact, and are still single to boot, then the battle was worth the fight!

They’re Just Not That In To You

Unless you are one of the six people on the planet who are lucky enough to still be hitched to your high school sweetheart, you’ve experienced a failing relationship in some sense of the phrase.  At some point in your poor pathetic and loser-like past, your eyes have swelled and burned with tears of rejection.  You’ve lost sleep and weight wondering why things didn’t work between you and that someone you knew in your heart would be “the one” forever.  Though it’s probably too late to offer any advice over one of those past loves, it’s never too late to prepare yourself for the next heartbreak — and yes, there will always be heartbreak. 

No relationship is perfect and though you may be willing to put in the work to save something that’s crashing quickly, your mate may not be so enthusiastic.  One thing you may have to realize and accept is that you’re just not good enough to settle down with that person who doesn’t want you.  There’s no point in crying about it.  I am a firm believer that for every one good thing, there’s always something better.  So wipe those tears and pay close attention to the lesson you are about to learn.  Getting even may be fun but being hip to the game is more of an effective weapon than sitting at home lonely and depressed while your mate is out tossing their telephone number to anyone who isn’t you. 

Instead of cutting the crotches out of all of your boyfriend’s pants or putting super glue inside your girlfriend’s bra, it would benefit you more to know the signs of disinterest in your affair.  It could save you a lot of despondency in the long run.  It could also save you a few trips to the courthouse and avoid those charges that are pressed against you for your immature behavior in [not] accepting the truth. 

Let’s continue. 

Key Signs Your Mate is No Longer Interested

All things begin and end with communication.  In the beginning your lover can’t get enough of hearing all about you.  All the good, the bad and the down right stupid.  By the end of the relationship, you can talk until your voice is completely gone and that very same mate will not have heard a single word.  Not only because the sound of your voice has slowly become monotonous, but because they couldn’t give a sh*t.  They’d listen to you more if you were nowhere to be found. 

  • Save the time, energy and embarrassment on calling or texting.  If they aren’t going to pay any attention to you in person, the last thing they want to do is devote that much attention to reading your boring ass text messages or listening to your whiny voice over the phone. 
  • Sending emails is a bitch move.  They’re either going to delete your messages or send a “Dear John” letter in reply.  It’s more painful to be dumped via email than in person.  The written words have a longer lasting impact and your mate will have had time to think about how to tell you to take a muthaf*ckin’ hike! 

Spending time with each other will become a chore.  For you, spending time with your mate will be the highlight of your life.  That’s not necessarily a good thing because though you’d simply be looking forward to sharing bonding time, your lover will look at you in disgust — like a person who is allergic to wet alley mutts.  You’d look more pressed and stupid than you’d think.   

  • If you’re lucky or beg long enough, you might be able to get laid once a month – more if your partner likes to drink endless amounts of booze.  It’ll probably take that much liquor for them to be romantically interested in you. 
  • Don’t get your hopes up about going out.  They don’t want to be seen with you in public.  Hell, they don’t want to be seen with you in private.  Going out on a date with someone who could care less about you will only cramp their style.  Stop asking, stop hoping and find a life of your own.  A common problem in most relationships is that the couple tends to not have a life outside of each other.  Boredom quickly follows.  Then disloyalty.  Not necessarily in that order.
  • They won’t bother dressing up for you, either.  They may not even bother showering.  Any little thing that could possibly turn you off will be the name of the game.  Unless you’re a freak who likes the smell of musty armpits or other body parts, this is an immediate red flag.  Either they’re not interested in turning you on or they’re one dirty bitch.  My guess lies behind door #1. 

Other things to watch out for 

If you want to make sure you’re ahead of the game when it comes to someone being turned off by you and the relationship they share with you, then you need to make sure you are cognizant of the following signs:

___Listen out for words like “sure,” “whatever,” “I don’t care,” and the nonchalant shoulder shrug.  Don’t bother asking why they’re not into whatever it is you’re talking about, especially if you’re too weak to hear the truth.  It’s not the conversation; It’s YOU!

___ Pay attention to eye rolling or heavy sighing while you’re speaking.  This usually indicates they are getting tired of forcing themselves to listen to you. 

___ It will probably piss you off when you notice how often they text other people but never respond to any of your text messages.  When that starts happening, just blurt out “Let’s break up!” like you are ripping duct tape off of someone’s eyebrows. 

___ Listen for name dropping.  You can’t miss it because they will suddenly start calling the names of friends you’ve never heard of before during your entire time of dating.  When you ask them who those friends are, they will often go into defense mode and tell you they have friends that you don’t know about.  Be aware that those friends are either people they’re sleeping with or the kind of friends who are encouraging them to dump you.  Either way, you’re pretty screwed. 

Although there are a number of ways to determine just how bad things are between you and your other half, what you’ve just read here are the basics.  If you’re being avoided via telephone, email, in person or in the sack, then you’d better dust off your little black book and start making some back up calls now, otherwise the next few weeks are going to be very lonely and cold.  It doesn’t take that much to get on with your life but it does take a lot of effort.  The good news is 90% of any effort is getting started.  So go on.  Dry your eyes and pull out the skank gear!  If you ever needed an excuse to be a ho for a little while, now’s the perfect time.  No one will blame you.  You’re vulnerable and newly single.  You have to f*ck a few people to find out what you’ve been missing!  And the last I checked, sex was a good thing, especially if you’ve gotten accustomed to not getting any.   

 __________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:    “I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, “You’ll never find another like me again!”  I’m thinking, “I should hope not!  If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?””     

A LETTER TO MY HATER

Dear Hater,

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a chance to say thank you.  I would like to thank you for hating on me as much as you do.  You see, by hating me, you are helping me to the better person you aren’t willing to give me credit for. 

Ordinarily I would tell you to drive your car over a cliff, however I see your life is already doomed because you have nothing better to do with yourself than to find reasons to judge my personal success.  I’ve extended my hand to help you get a little self esteem and instead of taking my help, you damned it, leaving yourself in the same sh*t creek you were in when I first met you. 

Life is good for me.  It’s better now that I am away from you.  Yet you are trying your best to make yourself a part of my life.  For your information, I have enough crap pouring out of my ass after I eat a hefty combo of tacos and pickles.  I don’t need you to stink things up any more. 

If it wasn’t for your strong desire to hold me back, I would be a no good loser just like you.  I would have no friends, just like you.  I wouldn’t be able to keep a relationship, just like you.  I’d probably be sitting in a corner pointing my gossiping finger at everyone who’s so much better than me…just like you. 

car-covered-with-bird-crapAlas I have prayed for peace and tranquility.  I also purchased a flock of trained circus pigeons to unload steaming bird droppings on your car each time you wash it.  I’ve changed my telephone number and placed a herd of wild llamas on my front porch to attack at the smell of your presence. 

I have found my place in life.  I am happy and rich in more ways than money.  And it is all because of you  – my inspiration; my muse; my personal crap bag.  My hater!

                                                                       Love always,

                                                                        Hottywood

 

P.S.

I’m sure you won’t be a hater  for all of your days…well, I’m not totally sure, but I do at least hope that your existence amounts to something more worthwhile.  Just remember that the change begins with YOU90% of any effort is getting started. 

____________________________________________________ 

Quote of the week:    “Haters only hate the things that they can’t get and the people they can’t be.”

The Perfect “Dear John” Letter: Kick Rocks Mother Effer!

Hello there guys and gals!  Welcome to the spot ~ and MY oh MY, is it the place to be!  You have just entered a zone where everything is everything and no holds are barred.  Welcome to the hills of Hottywood!

THE PERFECT DEAR JOHN LETTER: KICK ROCKS MOTHER EFFER!

dear_john_letterI have had so many of my comrades come to me and ask me how to get rid of that special nobody who simply does not seem to take a hint very well.  “What do I do, Hottywood?” they ask.  How can I be tactful in telling my lover to kick rocks?   Well the answer is simple…there really isn’t a tactful way to tell someone to take a hike.   Now if any of you have been following my blog up to this point, you know pretty well that I am not one for sugar-coating the truth.  Having said that, why the hell should you expect anything differently with this update?  Let me answer that question for you.  You shouldn’t!  I am going to do my very best to help you get the message across that you would rather drink spoiled milk from a dying cow’s utter than to continue on in a stalled relationship.

To let your lover go, there are a few simple rules you must follow.  They are very easy to remember and do not require much effort on your part. 

  1. Be honest.  Tell your partner that the love has fizzled.  It’s easy.  They will probably try to change your mind with one last burnt dinner or one final dry ass hump.  You can do two things: take the meal or the hump and use it as fuel to aid you in your riddance of your personal wilderbeast or tell them to shove the unwarranted persistence where the sun doesn’t shine.
  2. Be brutal.  Being nice is usually pointless.  And let’s face it, it’s no fun.  Being nice in your farewell causes you to be fearful of the unknown and most likely will make you wimp out and reconsider ending the relationship, all for the sake of saving face.  Man up and think of the most horrid things you can say to stay strong.  Though your cruelty can be quite dramatic, there is always truth in your animated goodbye.  I’ve said it once before and I’ll say it again, “Tears are worth a thousand points.”
  3. Dismiss the person any way you damn well please.  Most people feel more respected if they’re broken up with face-to-face.  My theory is this: if you really want your lover to kick rocks, who the hell cares whether you say it in person, over the phone, or in a letter?  Truth is, if you break up on paper, it hurts more and lasts longer.  And let’s be real, isn’t that what we’re going for here?  Chances are you’ve dropped a dozen hints and that loser of yours refused to get the message. 

In fact, I encourage you to put your final farewell in a “Dear John” letter.  You may actually be doing someone a favor by writing down what you hate most about them and mailing it to them snail mail style.  It may somehow in the long run help them to see the error of their ways and force them to get their act together for the next person that comes in their relational path. 

Dear_John_2No two “Dear John” letters will ever be the same.  They are all based on a case-by-case scenario.  So what I am going to do is give you a brief example of a perfect, harsh kiss-off that will hopefully give you an idea on how to follow the necessary three rules to regain your freedom.  Remember to be honest and be brutal.  Spare no feelings and keep a bottle of Jack Daniels on hand to celebrate once you’ve signed your signature at the end.  If you follow this pattern, I guarantee you will never be pestered by your “EX” flame again!

Dear John,

            Over the last few weeks, my happiness with you has been equivalent to sleeping on a bed of hot coal in the Sahara Desert.  My dreams have been plagued with your snooze induced image and my skin burned with your mere touch.  I’ve gone over in my mind about a dozen times how I would much rather live my life without you.  It’s not necessarily so that I would rather be alone at this time, I would just rather be with someone else…anyone other than you. 

            At night when we are making love, I close my eyes and pretend that you are that hotty that lives across the street.  But when morning comes and I smell your morning breath, I long to tie one end of my shoe strings around my neck and the other to the bed post and hurl myself over the side of the bed.  The noises I made the other night as we were making love were all fake.  In fact, I practiced the moans while you were in the bathroom freshening up for what I knew would be the last screw you’d ever have with me.  The fact that the sex was as bad as it was makes it easier for me to tell you to stick your head in the toilet and flush it. 

            I know it may come as a surprise to you that I no longer want to continue on with this relationship, but it’s only surprising because you are too blinded by your own self pity to realize that I am simply too good for you.  My distance from this relationship could not be any more obvious and because you refuse to accept the truth, I’ve decided to send a copy of this letter to all of your friends so that you will be the only person left on the planet who will believe there’s still some form of hope left between us.  No amount of desperation would ever change my mind.  I am not that hard up. 

            I apologize that I did not think of this sooner.   I do hope that this letter does not give you an incentive to swan dive off the top of a bridge, but if it does, please do not expect me to ID your body once fishermen has fished you out of the river. 

Normally I would end this letter with “Love always,” but if you don’t know by now, I’d be lying.

                                                                    [Sign your name here]

So there you have it – a simple letter that states exactly how you feel in a very harsh and brutally honest format that not even the biggest idiot could misinterpret.

I’m not even going to bother to flush out the previous paragraph.  I want it to marinate in all of its entirety.  As usual chickadees, let me thank you for stopping by and encourage you to pay me a visit any time you wish.  Keep in mind that my door is always open, except in the mornings before 11.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone that early, I’ll cut your ass! I really will.

Until next time, my little stir fried skittle crumbs!   It’s time that I bid you a fond farewell and remember 90% of any effort is getting started!    

 

Quote of the Week:    “Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.”

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