Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 24-30, 2011

Discovering the real you is something that happens when you least expect it.  It only happens when you realize there is a positive side to belching in public.  Now’s your time to experience the joys of tomorrow’s stares. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Tongue-kissing like a puppy is a big turn off. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You can solve any problem with a big payoff and no witnesses. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You may spend ½ the day trying to figure out what it is you have in common with a midget giraffe on steroids. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

In time, you will learn to appreciate the joyous sensation of peeing with the door open.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Beware of fish today. That includes fish sticks, fish & chips, and women with bad hygiene. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Someone is going to tell you, “You’re too stupid to be from this planet.”  Don’t get offended.  Aliens are making a comeback. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Your face may be ashy and cracked this week and it may have a direct impact on the growing population of rat droppings and rusted copper toe rings. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Cheese curls will mysteriously appear in your pocket and the sun will set upon the east.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

That overwhelming feeling you have burning the inner depths of your soul will be revealed after a revelation on the toilet. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You might institute a “drop your pants” day, at the end of the week.  This may or may not change people’s perception of your slutty inhibitions.  You may also get a promotion.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Dust all the lint balls from the corners of your room and ask yourself what that has to do with the legalization of marijuana. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Being cheap is not a bad thing.  It’s just a cover up for something stirring in your bowels. 

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Quote of the Week:     “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” 

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 18-24, 2010

Are you tired of people laughing at you behind your back without your knowing what the hell is so funny?  Then you’ve come to the right place.  I’ll be glad to tell you why the joke’s on you! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Surround yourself with people who are dumber than you in order to appear smarter.  Good luck with that.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

When the IRS comes knocking at your door, it’ll be smart to have rubber glued to your ass so you can bounce like all your checks. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Sometimes it’s necessary to be wrong for all the right reasons – even if punching is involved. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

The only use you will provide this week will be to keep a coffee table from wobbling. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Belching is the only time you seem to make sense. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You can work wonders with a pair of tube socks, a paper clip and a roll of toilet paper.  Know your limitations.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

That restless feeling you’ve been going through lately is just your body telling you it’s time to stop acting like a complete bitch.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

One fatal question will plague your mind this week: “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Farting a hole in your underwear will be the highlight of your week. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If you want something done right, pay someone smarter to do it. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Turn the heat up on your relationship by upping the temperature on your thermostat. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You might as well laugh at yourself since everyone else is laughing at you. Follow the trend. 

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Quote of the Week:     “Don’t let silence be the last thing you say.”