Alcohol: An American Contribution

Ladies and gentlemen, guys and gals, lushes, drunks and everyone called anything that means the same damn thing – HAPPY ALCOHOL APPRECIATION WEEK! 

How often do we get a chance to raise our glasses and drink without guilt or shame in honor of the booze that makes us feel the way we should feel sans alcohol?  Not often enough!  Well now is the time to gather our most tainted, disruptive, uncontrollable friends, who each have no self control or sense of moderation and pay tribute to the substance that lands most unexpected nerds, losers and zeroes in bed with those folks who are clearly out of their league. 

Dating back to the early 1400s, man has had an unorthodox appreciation for alcohol.  On his voyage to the New World in the 15th century, Christopher Columbus brought with him a bottle of Sherry.  After writing and signing the Declaration of Independence in 1776, the founding fathers toasted the signing of the document with Madeira wine.  

If we are able, and in most places around the country, required to celebrate our forefathers for their contributions to our American history, then so shall we celebrate their choice of recreation of downing the liberties that gives this great country its uninhibited spirit.

How can alcohol be all bad if it’s contributed so much to the celebration of the New World?  It’s even a part of our great educational system – history, recess and science.  Let’s kick some knowledge a bit on alcohol and learn before we are too wasted to remember.  In chemistry, an alcohol is any organic compound in which a hydroxyl functional group (-OH) is bound to a carbon atom, usually connected to other carbon or hydrogen atoms.  An important class are the simple acyclic alcohols, the general formula for which is CnH2n+1OH.  Of those, ethanol (C2H5OH) is the type of alcohol found in alcoholic beverages, and in common speech the word alcohol refers specifically to ethanol.  However, because most people are too f*cked up to remember the scientific formulas for the euphoric enhancing product or not bright enough to grasp the concept of what they’ve just read a few sentences ago…ALCOHOL IS GOOD BEFORE THINGS GO BAD.

Everyone does it.  Some religions drink it for their communions and remembrance of God.  Doctors drink it before a surgical procedure.  They figure if there’s a strong chance of getting sued for malpractice, why not go all out and get blasted before sticking any needles anywhere?  Dentists make you gurgle mouthwash, which is saturated with alcohol, before sticking a gigantic drill in your mouth to tackle bad breath and cavities.  In other words, they get you drunk so you can’t feel the pain or hear the screams of the other patients sitting in any chairs or rooms next to you.

People get wasted after work, before work and sometimes even during work – and no, I’m not referring to office parties.  More folks than a few have a couple of gin & tonics for their lunch.  Some feel it’s a guaranteed effort of getting through the day without beating the living day lights out of any fellow coworkers.  Some feel it will help them concentrate on not banging their heads against the wall during long and boring meetings.  Those folks however are considered alcoholics.  They have no self control and usually can not wait until they’ve gotten home, kicked off their shoes, fed the cat and thrown themselves across the couch to belligerently go into couch potato mode — you know, like normal people do.  Even after a hard day of fighting crime and using his ex-ray vision to peek beyond the fabrics of women’s Victoria’s Secrets, Superman comes home and unwinds to a bottle of 80 proof of something or other.  And seriously, there’s no greater American hero than Superman, unless Captain America comes to your mind, and even he probably hit the bottle a few times before or after facing any of those great world war battles.

In a recent study, more than 54% of the children surveyed had tried alcohol by the time they reached eighth grade, which goes to show you that booze is even growing in the adolescent community.  Sure, it may be bad now, but those young lushes in training will have something to look forward to once they’ve hit the irresponsible ages of 18 and 21, because really, who waits until they’re 21 to chug-a-lug?   Some parents even douse their fingertips in a glass of whiskey for their babies to lick on to settle them down from whining and crying.  It’s better than teaching them to smoke.  Smoking is bad for your lungs.  If your parents are your greatest influence(s), then you probably have them to thank for your dire need of alcoholic consumption, endless breathalyzer tests and countless DUI’s.  One thing’s for damn sure; if you have a police record for being under the influence, you are anything but boring and everyone will want you to be the life of their party.  Not to mention, every party needs a fall guy when the police comes knocking at the door!

Alcohol is and has been a great part of our universal culture.  It’s been used by people around the world – in the standard diet, for hygienic/medical reasons, for its relaxant and euphoric effects, for recreational purposes, for artistic inspiration, as aphrodisiacs, and for many other reasons. In a nut shell, it’s time to wobble our drunk asses over to the bar and order another round!  So what if vomiting is imminent?   That’s our body’s way of making room for more!  Nobody likes a quitter.  And all it takes is a little effort not to quit partying like a true rock star!  After all, 90% of any effort is getting started.

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Quote of the week:    “Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.” 

How To Spot a Liar: Catching a Mofo in the Act

Humans are by nature, trusting – and prone to be fooled by more attractive, innocent-looking faces. Still, humans are also by nature intelligent: and can learn a few tips to ensure they AREN’T being fooled.

Last night I went to the carry-out to get my usual #5 [combination lo mein and 2 egg rolls]. When I pulled out my money to pay for the meal, the cashier, a cute little Asian woman with long dark hair and the longest eye lashes I’ve ever seen, insisted that my bill was $2.15 more than usual.

“What the hell?!” Those long ass eye lashes must have blocked her vision as she was punching those numbers on the calculator pad. I’ve memorized the menu at the carry-out – and its prices and sales tax. I smelled a rat…no pun intended.

I don’t know where you’re from, but where I come from, people aren’t as frivolous as the rich folk in Bel Air. When I questioned Mingh Le on the sudden increase in price for my meal, her eyes shifted. The pitch in her voice raised an octave and her fangs grew long enough for me to mistake her for a character in the movie ‘Twilight’. This winch was lying to me!

Naturally I stood in the center of the carry-out, with all of the customers standing behind me to witness the scene as I yelled, “Liar! Liar! Pants on fire! Mingh Le, you are guilty and I’m about to pull your card and all of your kind…”

You can pretty much guess how that whole thing turned out.

The moral of this story is not that I received my order AND a complementary egg roll and jumbo iced-tea/lemonade mix, all for the price I would have normally paid; the moral is that you too can catch a lying mutha effer in the act if you only know what to look for.

Below are Hottywood’s tips on going all Sherlock Holmes and detecting if someone is lying to you. Pay close attention. These tips will save you a headache the next time you’re caught in a situation where you believe someone is stretching the truth.

First thing you gotta do is learn how to put your hormones in your back pocket. Pretty or handsome faces are likely to fool you into thinking the person is more trustworthy. Con artists, dates, and relationship partners are more prone to convince you they’re telling the truth. If you suspect you’re being lied to, don’t pick up a scorching hot cup of coffee to douse the liar with.  Instead, wave away those stars in your eyes and pay attention. 

Liars don’t wear signs on their foreheads. Especially pretty liars. Most people, like you, are closeted horn dogs and are thinking some wool covered sexual thoughts and are too distracted to see that they’re being told something that’s not completely true. Snap out of it! You’re not getting any…so redirect your focus and take control.

Once you’ve gained your ground like a player on a football field, you mustn’t be fooled by the stereotypes. Not all liars blink, dart their eyes away from you, rub their noses, or shift uncomfortably. In fact, practiced liars don’t do any of these things. They’ll give you a good, firm, look in the eye and feed you the most crystallized bullsh*t you’ve ever heard.

To get to know whether someone is lying to you, what you have to do is pay attention to their mannerisms. Ask yourself if this is a person who USUALLY rubs their nose, shifts uncomfortably, or darts their eyes? If this is normal behavior for them, then pay attention to DIFFERENT behavior.  Are they sweating perfusely, stuttering or farting excessively? 

Physical gestures will be limited and stiff and you will observe a minimum of arm and hand movements. The hand, arm and leg movement you do notice will be directed toward their own body, indicating that they are subconsciously trying not to draw attention to themselves, but to their words.  Though hog-tying and horse whipping sounds like a good idea, pull out a flashlight instead, and aim the flash directly onto their face to see if they crack under pressure.  This may be a little drastic for most, considering most people don’t carry spare flashlights, but it’ll definitely cut through all the red tape. If that doesn’t work, throw the perjurer against a wall and threaten to beat the truth out of them. 

Patience is a virtue.  Remember that cliche’ five minutes before you beat the cheat to a pulp.  Get them to talk a little.  Grill them like a hamburger.  Listen carefully for lack of detail in a story…or too much detail. A liar will want to sell you on the lie and will often be more verbose in explanations or answers. Silence or pauses in the conversation will be uncomfortable to them because they feel what they have said is being examined, therefore they will tend to interject into those normal conversational pauses with unnecessary details. This is a form of distraction to reduce scrutiny. Politicians and cheating mates are most commonly known to sink in this quicksand of a trap.

Since their story is being made up on the spot, casually get the liar to repeat the story by asking questions.  If your suspicions are true and you are being lied to, details of the story will be inconsistent. In the case of too many specifics, this will be obvious, because the liar will be talking way too much. Eye movements can tell you where the answer you are getting is originating. When someone is recalling information from memory as an answer to your question, their eyes will tend to look to their right. However if the answer is being created on the spot, the eyes will tend to look to their left.

We have all heard it said that the eyes are the window to the soul … the liar prefers to not have anyone peeking in those windows.

MORE DETECTIONS OF A LIAR

If challenged on some point or issue, a liar will immediately become defensive, whereas someone telling the truth will be more inclined to show offense and will be on the offensive to protect their honor and/or credibility. A liar will also feel discomfort when challenged and will often turn his or her head or body away from you.  A skilled liar will flip the script and put you at fault.  This is a mofo that’ll need to be slapped after you’ve pulled their card.

If you change the subject of a conversation quickly, a liar follows along willingly and becomes more relaxed because they are relieved to be out of that ‘spot light.’ A truthful person is likely be confused by the sudden change of topic and will want to return to the previous subject. This can be a test if you are suspicious that you are being lied to.  Don’t hold a knife to the throat until you’re completely sure whether or not you’re being deceived.

As a form of distraction, liar’s will often attempt to inject humor or sarcasm to avoid or even belittle a subject, or sometimes even the questioner …under that circumstance the liar is attempting to regain control by a form of subtle and indirect intimidation.

Don’t fall for it.  It’s nothing but a bunch of bullsh*t.  A crock.  A hoax.  A sham.  A jig.  Do you see where I’m going with this? 

Anyhoo, there it is. All spelled out in black and white. If you watch out for these simple signs, you’ll be able to spot a liar a mile away. You can avoid them like a bad pot of chitterlings. In fact, chitterlings and liars have something in common: they both stink.

Take a little time to get to know the characteristics of a liar. You can outsmart them before they outsmart you. All it takes is a little effort.  And like I always say, 90% of any effort is getting started.

 

Quote of the Week:    “Do not consider it proof just because it is written in books, for a liar who will deceive with his tongue will not hesitate to do the same with his pen.”

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