Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 26-October 2, 2010

If there’s one thing you should know it’s in what direction your luck may go.  Whether left or right or right or wrong, in stinky bloomers or uncomfortable thongs.  The week begins with a fall of rain and all weekend fun is now down the drain.  You may be surprised at what comes your way but with a little help you can play it safe.  If you remember one thing and nothing else, never forget that Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

No amount of heat will be enough to get the wrinkles out of any of your shirts.  Carry a paper cup for spare change, you bum. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For seven days, you will either be profusely sweaty or profusely gassy. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You might be in control over your own destiny, but you have no control over a shady bitch named Karma. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Carrying a rabbit’s foot may be lucky for you as long as you don’t pay attention to the fact that you’re carrying the luck of that poor dead legless bunny. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will stutter and spit every time a pigeon flaps its wings.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

People will only understand you if you speak in “baby talk.”  Babies will just look at you like you’re stupid.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Bathing in boiled potato water just may change the outcome of your day.  The question remains, “For better or for worse?”

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A great hooker once said, “You have to give in order to get.” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Having multiple personalities will come in handy when you drive in the HOV lane during rush hour. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

By complete accident, you will ask one too many questions and receive a priceless punch in the lower lip area. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

One of your greatest strengths is being the only one not invited to any parties. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If someone tells you you’re the spitting image of Tevin Campbell, they’re not complimenting you. 

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Quote of the Week:   “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

The Office Cheerleader: Let’s Push Them Off a Cliff

The Office Cheerleader: Let’s Push Them Off a Cliff !

MorningPerson_2Morning People ~ Patooey!  We’ve all got one – the office cheerleader; the annoying person who always seem to wake up on the right side of the bed.  This is that perky man or woman who comes into your office first thing in the morning and damn near sings every word like a Disney cartoon character.  You know who talking I’m about.  That irritating person who sleeps at night with their arm attached to an espresso-filled IV machine.  As much as we try to appreciate the pep that they drop in our office like sh*t turds, we more or less would much rather take a rubber band and a letter opener and use this one-man pep squad as target practice. 

Listen to the audio clip below to be reminded just how much you hate these people. 

How the hell can one person be so happy every single morning?  I don’t care how much nookie you can get in a week, there’s nobody on the face of the planet that has that much “morning after” glow.  …well, maybe a whore or a pimp, but even they have their off days. 

StarbucksEach morning my coworker comes into my office and screams “Good morning” with a voluminous pitch that scrapes my ears like fingernails on a chalk board.  She usually follows up with this awful little dance move that no one should be allowed to do in public (it usually makes me want to hurl myself from my 3rd floor office window, head first).  I’ve done all but come to work without applying deodorant to let this woman know that I am in no way remotely interested in holding a conversation before a certain time, even post-Starbucks.  That level of pep-osity should be prohibited from use in all human being’s lives.  The only creatures that should be so happy that early are squirrels – for not getting run over by Mac trucks as they cross the expressway.   

By now I’m sure you’re asking yourself the same question I’ve asked for many a-morning.  What can we do to put an end to this overindulgent perkiness?  Well look no further because you’ve come to the right place! 

MorningPerson_1The next time your office cheerleader enters your personal space with their pom-poms shaking in the air and speaking in rhymes, I want you to take a hand-held machine gun, loaded with reusable party forks and go all Rambo on their ass!  Leave a trail of banana peels beginning at the entrance of your office building and ending at their cubicle so that each time they take a step, they’ll plummet to the floor leaving nothing but black and blue bruises along their backside.  If they still get up with a smile on their face, then this should tell you that this person is not human.  If that is case, rest assured that they have an off-switch located somewhere on their body.  If you can not find this kill-switch, hand grenades work wonders! 

You must plan the demise very carefully though, because every office cheerleader has a horse shoe lodged in the crevice of their ass for good luck.  When you least expect it, it transforms into a dagger and stabs you in the back repeatedly until blood ruins that new, expensive top you were just dying to wear to the office, spelling out the words, “Karma’s a bitch.”

Now, I’m not one to promote violence, except on any day that ends with the letter “y”, but these happy people are the enemy dressed in a “just-got-laid” smile. So if the Rambo trick, the banana peels or the hand grenades are a little too drastic for your taste, you can always install an electric fence to your office door and say it was an environmental upgrade approved by the board of directors to ensure total employee concentration.  Either that or you can simply blame it on the clean up crew who comes in after-hours when the office is closed to the general public.  Whatever you choose, a quick and painful death is the only way to stop the rise of this chipper nation. 

…death to the office cheerleader; let’s push them off a cliff!

With that said, homies and honies, it’s time for me to ring the bell because this is my stop!  Be reminded that you can stop by to check me out anytime because my door is always open.  Just know that if you make the mistake of knocking on my door or ringing my phone before 11am, I’ll cut your ass with a dull butter knife. 

Until next time my little packs of sun-dried turtle droppings.  I must bid you a fond farewell.  And remember that 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.”

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