A Birthday Tribute to the Hills of Hottywood

Ladies and gentlemen!  Guys and gals!  Kats, kittens, dawgs, and bitches!  I greet you in the name of all things coated with vegetable oil and all-purpose flour!  Today we celebrate a very special day.  No, I’m not referring to the anniversary of the Alabama law that states it is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesdays; or the Oregon law that dictates canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.  Though, in my opinion, those days are worth celebrating.  Today we honor and celebrate the birth of Hottywood!  

Today, as I blow out a flattering number of trick candles, eat mounds of chocolate cake and pass gas profusely from all the lactose-induced vanilla bean ice cream I can eat, I invite you to unbuckle those horrible skinny jeans, kick off your white socks and sandals, and put your table manners to the side as we feast at a table of endless chicken wings and sesame seed buns! 

On this cold day of February, all should be reminded and some even encouraged that there are many things that we can all get away with in the name of Hottywood, simply because I said so.  And I don’t give a damn who doesn’t like it.  You don’t even have to thank me for this encouragement because some of you reserved tykes have probably been waiting for the right opportunities [anyway] to: 

  • Tell your neighbors to shove their loud stereo sets up their ass;
  • Suggest to your coworkers that they email themselves straight to hell;
  • Lead that one self-absorbed person to the middle of a bullfighting coliseum after coloring their body w/ permanent red magic marker;
  • Dip your enemy’s underwear in raw hamburger meat and unleash a pack of hungry dogs on them;
  • Turn off all the hot water in your apartment complex at the break of dawn so people’s annoying shower singing can actually be what it sounds like – screaming; or
  • Put baby snapping turtles inside your landlord’s mailbox. 

It’s probably not ethical for me to give you ideas on how to get back at all those folks who forgot your birthday, have done you wrong, or even the clods that you simply don’t like.  But as I’ve stated before, today is a very special day and the only rule that applies is that I make the rules.  So you can do whatever the hell you damn well please in the name of humor, emotionless love and my birthday!    

May the rest of your day be filled with chicken wings, stripper poles, and restraining orders.  Not necessarily in that order.  

…oh, and if you don’t think you have the balls to be bad, relish in the thought that 90% of any effort is getting started!  Follow my lead and you just might learn something.  Happy birthday to me from me!  

Luv ya, babies.

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Quote of the week:  “Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 30-February 5, 2010

The Superbowl is coming up in one more week.  Until then it’s answers you seek.  Answers to the questions of sh*t that lies ahead of things that make you sick or even wish you were near dead.  Death is not the answer.  We all know this is true.  But in the event of crappy situations, ask yourself, “what would Hottywood do?”  

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

You have a special gift if you can name 101 ways to disguise elbow macaroni.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anyone can scotch tape someone’s eyebrows together but it takes a strong man to snatch that tape off and run like a lil bitch.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

A zit will be the 3rd wheel on a first date.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Everything means something and nothing is included in that everything.  That leaves something to be desired.  But what does it leave if nothing is everything?  Everything or nothing at all? 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Fighting in private is one thing.  Fighting in public is just ghetto.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

A dog that has no master worries not of betrayal.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

This week your boobs will have a life of their own, which will be terribly interesting if you’re a man and flattering if you’re a flat-chested woman.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

If you tell someone to kiss your ass and their lips aim for your mouth, you should feel more insulted than you intended for them to feel. ___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

All those people who keep telling you to shut up are just the voices in your head. ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You may not become an angel until you get the devil beaten out of you.   ___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

If you feel something nibbling at your socks and you’re wearing new shoes, that just means your feet are dirty.  ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If you have no standards, you have no structure.  If you have no structure, you prove yourself to be the mess everyone perceives you to be.  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “Have the courage to be ignorant of a great number of things, in order to avoid the calamity of being ignorant of everything.”    

To Those Who Take Advantage of Others: The Jig is Up

Are you one of those people who are taken advantage of by folks in and out of your inner circle?  If you are, you’ll be happy to know that you’re not alone. 

A wise man once said, “some things are better left unsaid.”  Obviously that wise man wasn’t wise enough to have anyone need him for anything.  So he probably wasn’t that wise to begin with.  Therefore I, being the wise man that I am, am standing up to tell you that sometimes you need to tell needy mofos to get off your jock and fix their sh*t their damn selves, because if you weren’t around to make their lives easier, they’d have to do it themselves anyway.  Either you be honest and tell them to leave you the hell alone or simply kick them where the sun doesn’t shine…which is always the first alternative choice!  

To the people who only call when they need something.  You morons may think we are stupid but the only person who is stupid is you!  You can call us until you’re blue in the face but sooner or later we are going to tell you to go shove it.  When your name flashes across the caller id, if you’re not calling to tell us that someone has died, your best bet is call us to tell us you’re dying because that’s the only way we’re going to have enough sympathy to get off our asses to help your ass out.  If we needed something, could we call on you?   Hell no and you know it.  You creeps always have an excuse why you can’t be around when the chips are down.  So go choke on some potato chip crumbs.  And when your air pipes have clogged until you’re gasping for that last breath and you need a ride to the hospital, don’t call us because we won’t be available.  

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To the people who are too lazy or dumb to do anything for themselves.  You’re too indolent to take a wild stab in the dark to try to accomplish anything for yourself without the help of others so you whine and beg until someone feels sorry enough for your ass to give you a hand.  Well the jig is up, swine bait!  If we weren’t around to perform all the hard labor while you take the credit and smile in our faces, you’d have no other choice but to fend yourself.  So here’s a word of advice for you: No one likes laziness and not too many people can stand being around someone too dumb to take the initiative to invest in their own doing.  Because you are the type of person that you are, may your socks forever slouch to your ankles and your underwear always itch.  Those are two things no one is going to be dim-witted enough to work on for you, so let’s see if your balls are big enough to ask for help with that.  

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To the people who only help you when there’s something in it for them.  We’ve peeped your game.  You only come around when there’s something in it for you, that’s why no one bothers to call you for anything.  We will give you a little bit of credit though, for offering your help, even if it does mean you’re only offering because you think you’re going to get something out of the deal.  Well how about this?  We’ll promise to give you a cut of the profit for lending us your help, but we won’t promise on when we’ll deliver on that promise.  That’s right, just like you’re intending on using us for your own personal gain, we can play that game right along with you, you selfish skunk butt.  We’re not idiots.  We’re going to accept any help you offer us, but after we’ve used you for what we need, we’re simply going to accidentally push you over a cliff because we already know you’re not gullible enough not to realize that we’re playing you at your own game.  But we’re pretty confident that you’re credulous enough to fall for your own prank once.  We’re not giving you that much credit.

To sum it up nicely; if you think we’re going to continue to be your crutch, for whatever reason, then the left side of your brain is just as malfunctioned as your right.  We are smart enough to know that if all you assholes keep coming to us for help, then we are smarter than we give ourselves credit for.   And if we don’t think we’re that smart, we’re smart enough to know that 90% of any effort is getting started.  So what we don’t know we can surely learn.  And learn it we shall without any help from you!   Sianara byches! 

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Quote of the week:   He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Jan. 23-29, 2011

Liars and bullsh*tters and cheaters galore.  Double-crossers and haters and so much more.  Backstabbers who write the lyrics to the songs they sing.  These are a few of my least favorite things.  The week is new and the crap is whack, so listen closely to the kettle that calls the pot black.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

You will be forced to confess a secret to a cross-eyed snake who has more dirt on you than a mountain has cliffs.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A wolf can not seek loyalty amongst sheep.  ___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Don’t bother doing your hair this week.  It’ll just look like burnt spaghetti. ___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Nothing smells worse than an asshole who tries to bullsh*t a bullsh*tter. ___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

To change your luck, gargle a malt beverage three times while standing on your tippy toes. Face whatever direction the sun doesn’t shine.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You can get your point across better with a drop-kick than you can with words. ___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You give your best concerts in the shower when no one is around to hear you.  Stick to that. ___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Food for thought: Is the honor in your words worth less than the shoes on your feet?___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Your underwear is a change you simply must make. ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

A shoplifter will try to steal your joy.  His five-finger discount should only buy him one [hand] palm across the left jaw. ___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The good news is for the next few days you’ll be quite the conversationalist.  The bad news is no one will want to talk to you.  ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Today you’ll be riding on the fumes of luck.  If you smell something rotten, you’ll know exactly what it is.  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “When the center of the universe is discovered, a lot of people will be disappointed to learn they are not it.”    

A Momentary Rant of a Man Undone

Let’s be honest; even a man who always seems to have it all together cracks under pressure every now and then.  And as perfect as I am (at least as far as perfection goes in my own warped out mind), I am no exception to the rule.  

Having said that, I think I will take a short moment to ask one burning question that many people ask in their every day lives:  

 “What the #&$%@!?”  

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  • “What the #&$%@!”  did I do to deserve getting hit in the forehead with one of Karma’s mini bowling balls? 
  • “What the #&$%@!”  happened to the Plan B that I usually keep in my back pocket? 
  • “What the #&$%@!”  am I going to do to get myself out of this deep a$$ pothole that I managed to fall into?   

Well, I asked the one burning question like I said.  I just happened to ask it in three different variations.  Why?  Because I can.  “What the #&$%@!” are you going to do about it?     

Listen, everyone is only human.  Well, maybe not the chick that lives on the corner of my street.  I don’t know what she is, but I know it’s not human.  Have you seen her???  Oh wait, that’s a story for another time.  

My point is no one is immune to the pitfalls of life.  In fact, if we didn’t have sh*t to deal with, how would we know what we could handle?  It’s like going out on a bad date.  In your heart you know the date is going to be a bust, but you still have to endure the bad company, bad conversation, bad food and bad hygiene in order to know what you don’t like and what you hope to expect out of the next date who is anyone but the person you lowered your standards for in the first damn place.  

Oh, but if only things were as simple as a bad date.  You can stand up a bad date.  You can walk out on a bad date.  You can even throw your drink in a bad date’s face.  But life, my friends, is something a little more funky than a simple bad date.  In fact, sometimes life can be a big pile of sh*t.  However as stinky as that sh*t may be, life is also a wheel.  What’s down today is up tomorrow.  The hard part is getting through the day.  Lucky for us all 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   He that is afraid of bad luck will never know good.”

Hottywood’s 2011 New Year’s Resolutions

It’s been a minute since the last time we’ve chatted, but you should know that I wasn’t off hiding in a corner somewhere licking my finger tips after stuffing my face with a handful of barbeque potato chips.  Like each and every one of you, I was off pondering the possibilities of what the new year will bring. 

Keeping in touch with the American new year tradition, I jotted down a few [New Year’s] resolutions for myself.  You know, something to strive for and aspire to.   And seeing how Christmas is trying its best to jet ski right past us, what better time than now to share those resolutions with you?!

Kats, kittens, dolls, guys and gals, I now present to you Hottywood’s 2011 New Year’s Resolutions!   Hope you’re as ready for the new year as I am.

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Start saying, “No.” 

I go out of my way to please people; never rejecting anyone’s requests or unreasonable favors and the only word I ever get in return is, “No.”  So let’s see how their asses feel when I return the rejected favor. 

In fact, let’s put a “Hell,” in front of that “No,” to make it more effective! 

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Drink more; hangover less.

Let’s be honest, everyone wants to be the drunk guy that gets pointed at and maliciously talked about at all the parties.  Because everyone knows that he is having the BEST time!   And it probably wouldn’t be much of a party if he wasn’t there.  So either stop hating on the drunk guy or starting throwing better parties!

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Incorporate diet fried chicken and french fries (w/ “I Believe It’s Not Salt”) into my daily diet. 

I know damn well that I’m not the only person in the world that’s in love with fried chicken.  Especially my mama’s fried chicken!  Can’t nobody fry up some wings like my mama.  Well…maybe Popeyes, ’cause they have all those eleven herbs and spices and stuff.  And possibly the Cornel, ’cause he’s not a cornel for nothing.  He’s an officer for chicken!  Oh, and then there’s Church’s Fried chicken.  You know that chicken must be touched by God.  I mean listen to the name of the product. 

Okay, okay.  I guess you see where I’m going with this.  I’m going to find a way to make greasy, home fried chicken a part of a regular healthy diet.  Or die trying! 

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Burn any and every record that features the voice of Aaron Neville. 

Alright, I know I’m probably going to burn in hell for condemning the poor guy’s music to a biochemical lava pit.  But seriously, have you heard the guy sing?  He sounds like chipmunks on steroids.

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Braid my armpit hair every 3rd Saturday of the month. 

‘Cause I like to keep people guessing!    C’mon, admit it; you know you’ve always wanted to take a peek under my arms.   That doesn’t make you weird.  It’s the other thing that makes you weird!   

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Celebrate my birthday every time I go out to eat in a restaurant so I can get a free slice of cake while the wait staff embarrassingly sings the annoying birthday song to me while jealous consumers look on and inadvertently joins in, secretly wanting a bite of the cake that I’m not going to share. 

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Belch without saying, “Excuse me.”  Oh wait; I already do that.   

Hey, don’t judge me. 

MOVING ON.  →

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Cross out anyone’s name in my phone book whose armpits and butt cheeks smell relatively the same.  

And if you think it’s cool to hang around someone who smells like a Thursday morning trash pick up, then I’m scratching your name out of the book, too!

How you like them apples?!________________________________________________________ 

Convince a convent of nuns to watch “Revenge of the Nerds” and all of its sequels.  

I have to be honest and say that I would just love to sit there and watch the expression on a nun’s face as she looks at some of the sh*t that those nerds pull on that show. 

To be quite honest with you, I worked with a nun who I think could’ve used a little humor in her life.  She was about as nice as The Grim Reaper.  About the same age too, but that’s another story. 

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Rally for world peace amongst the hamster community. 

Ah come on.  I’m not the only one who’s rallying for togetherness and furry respect amongst all rodents who runs non-stop inside a wheel.   I can understand their frustration.  They keep running and running but never get anywhere.  That would make me want to punch somebody, too. 

Dear Mr. Hamster,

Be glad you’re not a turkey.  They are born and raised to be eaten. 

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So there you have it, folks.  I strongly believe that committing to these resolutions will change my life drastically!   The hard part is sticking to the commitment.  Thank goodness 90% of any effort is getting started

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Quote of the week:    “It’s bad luck to spill a drink on New Year’s eve.”

 

Why Aren’t We F**king Anymore?

WHY THE SEX STOPS WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS

Well I was the one who opened my big mouth and said I had all the answers and oh em gee was I put to the test. Someone asked me, “Hottywood, why is it that people stop having sex once they’ve gotten into a committed, monogamous relationship?”

Not only was I left dumbfounded by this astonishing question that makes absolutely no sense, I also broke the golden rule of answering a question with a question – “What the…???”

I went back and forth in my mind on how I would approach this. I decided to start by giving some statistics: Research indicates that over 55% of partners are not interested in having sex once a relationship has been set in motion.

I’ve spoken with a ton of men and women and have learned that the problem is generally not a lack of sexual desire – it’s that they are not interested in sex with their partner for one reason or another.  Though there is no definite answer to this question, I’m going to give you a few ideas of what the hell the problem is with these idiots who want to give up the most fun part of being in a relationship.

Before I break it down and kick some knowledge to you, let me begin by telling you the school-book definition of two fools who are determined to sleep back to back every night. Yes, there is an actual definition for this bullsh*t.

The technical term is Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD); defined by the American Psychological Association as “a deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity, producing marked personal or interpersonal distress, but not the result of alcoholism, a general medical condition or substance use (medication) or abuse (street drugs).”

Sexuality in long term relationships is the result of loving energy flowing between two people. If something is blocking this energy, the sexual energy between them often gets blocked as well. 

There are a few reasons why the well has gone dry, and these reasons are not as complicated as you may think.  Follow along and learn something:

One of the partners in the relationship is one lazy mutha SHUT YOUR MOUTH!  Get off your ass and clean up.  Help with the dishes.  Put away your dirty underwear.  Take out the trash.  Put down those chocolates.  Get off the damn phone.  Pick up the kids once in while. 

You’re making your partner angry by being so lazy.  It’s good to have some skills under the sheets, but if you can’t do a damn thing else but f*ck, then your ass need to be demoted to a booty call. There is a reason why people say, “I can do bad all by myself.” 

No affection.  Believe it or not, people actually appreciate conversation.  It’d be nice to have a little small talk before you start stripping.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the right away get down, but people, especially women would like for someone to get into their mind before you discover their Victoria’s secrets.  Cuddling, or as I like call it – “spooning”, could also earn a few brownie points.  It’s okay to go the extra mile.  No one else will know besides you and the person you’re humping.   

Lack of Communication.  Communication is key!  If you don’t talk to each other, and ask the real questions why the bed is so cold, then you’re going to continue masturbating while you’re partner is not home or taking a long, cold shower.  Get to the bottom of this nonsense and do it quickly.  CHEATING is on both of your minds, and trust me, that’s a whole nother problem you probably aren’t ready to deal with.   

Too needy.  The bottom line is that this is a turn off for anyone.  Most women are turned on to a man when he is in his power and feeling good about himself. Neediness is not a turn-on. Men, too, are often not turned on to a needy woman; a woman who needs him to make love to her for her to feel safe, worthy and lovable. 

Man, woman, gay or straight…get this sh*t together.  Chances are you weren’t a needy prick before things became official.  So now you’re going to add “liar” to your list of reasons why you aren’t getting any?  If you really are needy, then you need to check that quickly or else you’ll never get laid again.   

You are now too comfortable.  Ut oh…you and your partner have become so comfortable with each other that you are no longer “get it” material.  You’re more like siblings. 

Unless you’re into incest, you can pretty much hang it up.  You’d better invest in a blow up doll, a dildo or a paid escort.   

You’ve let yourself go.  Face it, you’re not going to get any if you stop making the same effort it took to bag your partner in the first place.  Men, shave your wolfed out beard.  Ladies, shave your armpits.  Try not to get 40lbs heavier than you were before your relationship became official.  Personal hygiene is a plus and a nice outfit won’t kill you.  Let your partner know that he/she is worth you getting all jiggied up for.   

Boredom.  It isn’t uncommon for sex to become routine.  This is a sure way to lose interest.  You don’t want to know what to expect each time you lay down for the grown-up.  Explore new positions and places to be intimate.  Hell, if you have to, invite someone to watch or join in.  No, I’m not promoting infidelity or orgies, but if you aren’t getting laid right now, are you really going to rule out all the options? 

Poor self esteem – If you don’t feel good about yourself you’ll find it difficult to see yourself as a sexual person. Your partner will be seeing a very private side of you and that takes confidence.  Get a backbone and stop being such a wuss.  Up the prescription meds on your wacked out self esteem issues and stop holding out.  You can’t expect anyone else to feel good about you if you don’t feel good about yourself.  This is worse than being needy.  

Someone can do it better.  I’m going to say these phrases once and let them marinate: ‘For every one person who’s good at something, there’s always someone better.’ AND ‘Someone is always willing to do to/with your partner what are you aren’t willing to do.’  POW!   

Your partner just isn’t into you anymore.  You could be as sweet as grandma’s apple pie, but it could be terribly possible that you just aren’t attractive to your mate any more.  There’s not much you can do to fix that.  Once someone is turned off by you, they won’t miss you until you’re gone.  And IF they miss you and reconnect, chances are you’ll remind them why they stopped being attracted to you in the first place.  It’s harsh, I know, but it’s also reality.  Deal with it.   

To put it mildly, you or your partner are f*cked up and you really need to get your sh*t together.  You may get some ass every now and then if you’re lucky, but it’ll be more like a chore than a privilege.  And that one or two times you get that horse shoe out of your ass will not solidify a lengthy relationship.

Sex is too much of a beautiful thing to be deprived of it.  Meet your lover half way and talk about what your real issues are. 

Meanwhile, here are a few tips for increasing sexual desire:

  • Relax. This is the most important thing you can do. Have a bath, use deep-breathing techniques or buy a relaxation tape, and drink PLENTY of alcohol. 
  • Check your environment. Be sure there are no distractions to you becoming aroused and that the atmosphere suits your mood.
  • Enjoy being sensual before you’re sexual. Take your time and allow your body to focus on the pleasurable sensations of touch.  In other words, masturbate.  This may even turn your partner on…it’d be even better if you’re doing it for each other.  When all else fails, oral sex is a total winner!!!
  • Change your view. Get sex into the forefront of your mind by reading or watching something more raunchy than you’d normally choose. PORN PORN PORN!  Hey, it’s a form art. 
  • Focus on positives. If there’s something about your partner or yourself you don’t like, don’t think about it. Force yourself to look at and think about the positives, instead.  Basically what I’m saying here is picture yourself with someone else.  This may be crude, but if you aren’t willing to grow some balls and end the relationship all together, then you can get a fantasy going inside that warped out brain of yours. 
  • Stimulate your sympathetic nervous system. Exercise, watch a scary movie, go on a roller coaster – anything that will speed up your heart rate. Research suggests that 15 to 30 minutes later your body is more sexually responsive.

Here’s a little humor for all you married women who just aren’t into it right now. Raise your hand if you can relate:

“I give birth to your kids and you complain we don’t have sex? How do you think they were born, osmosis? Who takes care of them, drives them to school, picks them up for after school activities, drives them to sports, takes them to their friends houses, plays chauffeur, cleans, cooks, goes to PTA meetings and then caters to your sorry whiney ass when you get home. To top it off, after you eat, fart and burp, you walk out the door to go out with your buddies.

You want sex? Go  f*ck yourself!  I’m too tired.”

Well kids, 90% of any effort is getting started.  So hop to it! 

 

Quote of the week:       “In the sex war, thoughtlessness is the weapon of the male and the vindictiveness of the female.”

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