What We Can Learn From Living in the Hood

Konnichiwa, dudes and dudettes!  Today we are going to talk about valuable lessons learned.  Not just any valuable lessons, but lessons that we can learn from living in the hood.

Many of you may not know that my toilet bowl was not always made of 14 karat gold.  I know, I know.  It may come as a shock to you, but I too, did not grow up with palm trees and rollerblades to get me from point A to point B on the boardwalk.  In fact, my neighborhood was quite the opposite.  But despite the bald patches in the lawns of my neighborhood’s less than grassy pastures, there are a heck of a lot of things that I’ve learned from living in the hood.  And it’s time to pass on my knowledge to those who daringly turn their nose up to some of the world’s most seemingly tainted communities.

Pack your bags kids, because after seeing all that can be gained from living on the wrong side of the tracks, you may just be ready to plan your next trip to a neighborhood where your best bet is to double-bolt the locks on your doors!


Lesson #1 ~ The Value of Discipline and Respect

In any ‘hood’, one of the first two things that you learn is discipline and respect.  Discipline begins with what your parents teach you at home and is usually supported by a thin switch pulled off the closest tree or any belt pulled from whatever pair of pants your daddy is wearing at the time.  Both [the switch and the belt] are enough to keep your ass in check when they strike your behind like stray bullets.  It may sound a little harsh, but it’s a consequence most misbehaved kids have to endure for being disrespectful to their elders…aw hell, being disrespectful PERIOD.  Things like stealing, sassing and lying are most common reasons for getting that ass tapped.  Also getting caught making out in the basement with no adult supervision anywhere in the house (every kid on the planet knows they aren’t supposed to have company while their parents aren’t home) or sparking up a fat blunt are sure ways to reserve a one way trip to WHOOPING WORLD. KIDS, DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME IF YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU. Luckily, getting back-handed in the lips is what most parents go for today, just to remind their kids of what is to come next.

NOTE: When daddy’s belt is unleashed, run for your life!  When grandma’s switch is swinging, bob and weave. Only be sure to get hit on purpose at least once. The more granny misses with that switch, the angrier she becomes and the worse the whooping is. FYI, if your parents send you out to pick out your own switch, just keep on going.  Don’t bother going back in the house.  Pack a PB&J sandwich and run-away. Don’t come back until you think your parents have forgotten they owe an ass whooping. PS, good luck with that. Parents don’t forget something as important as hopping on that behind!

Keep in mind, though, that in the hood, it’s not just your parents that have all the fun of whooping your tail.  It’s also the neighbors.  There’s a little saying that I grew up with that goes, “It takes a village to raise a child,” which to me says everyone in that village has a right to spank you when you’ve screwed up.  Having said that, respecting the rules and knowing your place as a child are the keys for not getting popped.  As you become an adult, you’ll quickly remember the sting of whelps the next time you want to get out of line and disrespect someone.

…AND in case you didn’t know, children are not the only ones susceptible to a spanking. Adults can get out of line and say some slick shit, too. When they do, they should watch out. You never know when you’re going to open your mouth and your daddy steps out, reaching for whatever belt you’re wearing at the time. #PutUpYourDukes


 Lesson #2 ~ Appreciation for the Simple Things in Life

Let’s be real.  Most people live in the hood or the projects because they just can’t afford a better grade of land.  It’s not a bad thing.  The hood has the best parties – that is before the cops arrive to break up the fight that almost always inevitably causes the party to go awry.  But because most [or let me speak of my own personal experience] project dwellers do not have much, appreciation for the simple things is imminent.  Things like:

  • Kool-Aid, the least expensive beverage on the planet…next to tap water, of course;
  • Oodles & Noodles, the cheapest, easiest and most popular dinner choice of all the little greedy kids that selfishly grub on noodle juice at the playground;
  • Cable TV, because it saves money on aluminum foil.  How does it save money on aluminum foil?  Simple.  Thanks to cable TV, aluminum foil is now only used for kitchen duty and no longer for getting a better reception when wrapped around a television antenna.
  • The final piece of appreciation is beer.  On almost every street corner in the hood there’s a liquor store.  Beer is the cheapest of alcoholic beverages and probably the most easiest to get.  As you become old enough to stop sneaking sips of the malt beverage or slick enough to stop paying random dumb adults to purchase your booze for you, you save money on your spirits when you’ve finally graduated to a higher class of associates who like to hang out in nightclubs and local bars.  While they’re spending loads of cash on their gin & tonics and long island iced-teas, you’re saving your Benjamins on bumbers, 24oz and 40oz sized Steele Reserves and Budweisers, leaving you plenty of cash in your pocket to load up on the economy size family pack of oodles & noodles, which will come in handy when you’ve blown all of your money on something completely worthless. Not referring to beer of course. Beer is not worthless. Beer is a culture of the hood.

 Lesson #3 ~ The Appreciation of Music 

One can’t deny that music is a big part of living in the hood.  Granted, you may not hear Mozart, but it is very easy to be reminded of the tribal drums of Africa, thanks to the sounds of particularly loud bass echoing through the speakers of a pimped out ‘hoopty’, usually at the most disturbing hours of the night.


Lesson #4 ~ Social Interaction  

Because there are all types of people and personalities in some of the city’s most questionable neighborhoods, we learn the value of diversity.  As a result of living in these neighborhoods, we are able to gauge the best way to deal with some of the best and the worst people.  For example; bullies, winos, hustlers, hoes, nosey neighbors, crooked cops and Jehovah’s witnesses.

You’d be surprised how these types of people integrate into today’s society and dress up their debatable personalities in the common workplace.  Living in the hood gives you an advantage over when and how to run and duck for cover when you see these folks headed in your direction.

 

 

 


  Lesson #5 ~ Fashion Awareness 

Fashion is the final piece of hoodiology, because no matter what you don’t have [while living in some form of the projects] the one thing that everyone does have is a means to get a brand new outfit to wear to the club, even if that outfit consists only of a spanking white pair of tennis shoes, which nobody better step on if they don’t want to catch a beat down before the last call for alcohol.


So many people misconceive those who were raised on a little bit of nothing; who grew up on back alley streets; shadow-boxed and played street football because they couldn’t afford to attend stadium sporting events; whose credit is bad and who has criminal records longer than some of the wrap sheets of some of Hollywood’s most notable out of control young starlets.  But the thing that they don’t know is that some of society’s most capable people are born and raised right in the crappiest of neighborhoods, where values and responsibility is surreptitiously at its highest peak and free fun reigns supreme.

Never forget where you come from or what you’ve learned from where you’ve been.


Quote of the week:   “Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”

Hottywood Helps Internet Logo

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 30-November 5, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You have more nerves than Idaho has potatoes, still someone will find your last one and get on it.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your ego wouldn’t be so big if you wore your credit score on your sleeve.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The language of love begins and ends with the word, “bitch.” Use it with well intent and at your own risk.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

This pay period, the amount of dollars in your checking account will be the same as your shoe size.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The first punch doesn’t have to be the last lick.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Beware of a ham dressed in turkey’s clothes.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

To feel your best, spend more time today telling other people what to do.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

There’s no better day than today to try a bacon-wrapped chocolate donut.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A drunk wino with skin of wrinkled leather will flash you at the bus stop. Oddly, you may enjoy it.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today you are overly cheerful and peppy. You are the morning person someone wants to pour hot coffee all over. Watch your back.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone new is going to steal your thunder. Bribe everyone you know to stay on your side.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Luck would have you to get stuck in an elevator with the president, vice president and secretary of the Deodorant is for Wimps Foundation.

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Quote of the week:    “’Give a man a match and he’ll be warm for a minute. Set him on fire and he’ll probably burn to death.’ This proverb is perhaps the exception to the rule that beggars can’t be choosers.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 23-29, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The definition of a good psychiatrist is a bartender that pours without a spout.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Something special will happen in the next 48 hours if you go to the nearest Dunkin Donuts and lick all the sugar off the powdered donuts.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are going to regret burning a bridge when your ass is being chased by a pack of dogs.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your next secret admirer will be an ex-con who went to jail for burning down a diner in Arkansas because his eggs were too runny.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Be careful of the ditch you dig for someone else. That very ditch may have your name written all over it.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Instead of finding a $1 bill on the ground, good luck will have you find a small bottle of butt spray. What you do with it is up to you.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

An absent minded man should keep a hanger in the back seat just in case he locks his keys in the car.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

For the next 12 hours spell everything you have to say letter by letter.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It doesn’t make sense to bring sand to the beach.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Start each conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be the last time, I dunno.”

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

That little guy that turns your refrigerator light on and off is about to quit.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

What’s the difference between a cheapskate and you?  One of you eats Cornflakes with a fork.

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Quote of the week:   “When listing the toppings you want on your next pizza, include another pizza.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 16-22, 2011

Some people have problems they never address and are just as screwed up as everyone else.  Luckily for them I take time to invest real talk for real people. 

~ Love, Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The problem is wherever you go, there you are. Sometimes you need to get away from yourself.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Just because you’re in the house doesn’t mean you’re home.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The older you get, the better you get…unless you’re a banana.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The greatest room in the world is the room for improvement.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You know it’s been a long night when the bags under your eyes hang low enough for your entire head to fall in. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Hell is full of people with good intentions.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

On any morning that ends in the letter “y,” the only thing that stands between you and a federal charge is a cup of coffee.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A stopped clock is right twice a day.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If someone had to describe you in five words or less, those words would be, “The sheep that cried wolf.”

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you’ve made it again.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If looks could kill…well, never mind. 

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Quote of the week:  “If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.”

This Week’s Top Three Pet Peeves That Really Pisses People Off

Kats & Kittens, it’s time for a review of this week’s top three pet peeves.  

Over the course of the last few months, we’ve discussed everything from bad fashions to people that frustratingly monopolizes conversations with uninteresting chatter.  Today we will pin-point three of the most annoying crap on the face of the planet (this week).  In all honesty, there’s so many things that people do to annoy the hell of their neighbor that it’s kind of hard to narrow down the list to only three.  But if there’s anything that I’m not, it’s a quitter!  So sit back, grab a fattening soft drink and see if you agree with this week’s top three most annoying annoyances.  

Cheap people… 

The list begins with all those cheap asses who insist on putting a price tag on absolutely any and everything.  The first question that immediately comes to mind when running into these cheapskates is, “What the hell?”  Obviously, no one ever bothered to warn these folks that cheap people don’t get invited to parties, mainly because whoever invites them knows they are going to show up empty-handed and will most likely, no doubt, leave with a doggy bag.  They don’t have very many friends because everyone knows a cheap person is too tight on a dollar, so hanging out will likely be reduced to free fun, like the zoo, which of course is the last place a person wants to go when it’s five degrees outside or raining hard enough to mimic a baby tsunami.  The same theory applies to the dating game.  A cheap person will take you to the lowest starred restaurant on the map, or will buy you the most useless and inexpensive presents during the holidays or any other special occasion if, of course, they muster up enough change to buy you anything at all.  

“A house of delusion is cheap to build but drafty to live in.”

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 Rude drivers… 

Pulling up the rear to cheap-ass people are drivers that have no consideration for other drivers…and no, we aren’t referring specifically to cab drivers.  Though they are probably THE worst drivers in the world (next to Washington DC subway train conductors), everyone expects them to be lousy drivers.  Instead we are talking about folks who aren’t exactly smart enough to be paid for their bad driving.  For example, aggressive drivers who cross lanes without using a turn signal; or drivers who refuse to let you cross lanes even though your turn signal has been on since you started your car in your home drive-way; or drivers that drive about 90mph just before coming to a sudden stop for a speed bump; or drivers that pick their nose while looking inside their nostrils in the rear-view mirror instead of focusing on the family of ducks crossing the street; or drivers who drive slower than my Aunt Edna’s bowel movements; or drivers that practice profane road rage just before Sunday worship service; or drivers that blast their music so loud they can’t hear the horns blowing behind them or the people screaming for their lives in front of them; or new drivers; or even worse – old drivers.  You all drive me crazy!    

“Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.” 

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 People that live in the past…

Rounding out the list of this week’s top three pet peeves are people that live in the past.  I’m talking about people that have lusted after, fantasized about, pined over, stalked, and/or harped about the person you were years prior to the person you are today.  People that are in love with a memory of someone they once knew versus falling in love with the new person you have become.  Those people that want you to entertain their life long fantasies about what could have been or what once was instead of the reality of what is now.  Those folks must have left their brains in the past if they think that nothing has changed since the passing of about a hundred million full moons.  

Now that I think about it though, I guess it wouldn’t be fair to limit this peeve to only those folks who are hallucinogenic about their feelings and emotions.  We could, should and will apply this one to those persons who refuse to let go of past grudges about some off the wall, unimportant crap that nobody no longer cares about.  

“There’s no future in living in the past.” 

 

 

 

 

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 9-14, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Grape soda is not considered a sexy body fragrance. It should be, but sadly it’s not.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You are multi-talented enough to talk and piss people off at the same time.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Are you good looking from afar or far from good looking?

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your handle on life is like the handle of a cheap handbag.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You don’t lack in the power of speech. You lack in the power of conversation.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way. Wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You won’t find a man alive who has ever complained about a faulty parachute.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

There are three people that live in this world: People who make things happen, people who watch things happen and people who ask what happened.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

“Always” and “never” are two words you should always remember never to use.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A sharp tongue can kill without a knife.

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Quote of the week:   “It takes one day to destroy that which took one hundred years to build.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 25-October 1, 2011

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

There’s nothing better or worse than getting what you asked for.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Don’t be surprised to discover that a list full of rules that don’t apply to you doesn’t exist.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

All that self-promotion you’re doing will be seen as false advertisement if you’re not careful.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

If you can answer the question of what a crazy person, an empty stomach, and an unpaid electric bill all have in common, a three-legged puppy will be born with four legs and ½ a nose.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You have six months to mind your own business and six months to stop minding everyone else’s. You do the math.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You have not lived unless you’ve almost died inside a room full of people who decide to release farts that explode like balloons full of meat all at the same time.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

For the next 72 hours you are challenged to be the person you pretend to be on Facebook and Twitter.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Today you need to go far, far away. That is all.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If ever there were a time for your phone to turn into a skateboard, it would be today.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

In your next life, you will return as an encyclopedia salesman located somewhere deep in a small Bolivian village, cursed with the taste of stale bread on your tongue.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Today’s a good of a day as any to expose yourself in public.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If all of your exes are trying to get back with you all of a sudden, don’t get your hopes up. It’s just a confirmation that summer’s over.

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Quote of the week:   “You can lead a fool to wisdom, but you can’t make him think.”