This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!” (Speed Advising)

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.


Kats and kittens, this week we are going to kill three birds with one stone by doing what I like to call “Speed Advising.” Today we have three questions that I’m going to try to answer in as few words as possible. I could say many, many more words but let’s be honest. It’s summer and I’m being lazy. Deal with it!


Dear Hottywood, 

My girlfriend has been acting different all week (shady and picking fights). I think she’s seeing someone else.  How do I approach this situation without starting another fight? 

Nervous Wreck

Dear Nervous Wreck,

cheating1Why don’t you try talking to her? Be open and honest with her. Use words like, “I feel,” instead of outright accusing her. If you accuse her of anything, whether you’re right or wrong, you’ll wake up the next morning with all your tires flattened and obscenities scribbled over your windshield in blood red fingernail polish. If you don’t communicate your feelings to her, then you’ll give her a reason to go out and cheat because you’d be proving to her that you’re too chicken shit to be straight up, even if you think it will hurt her feelings or yours. Don’t be a punk. Women don’t like punks, unless she’s a fag-hag. Then you’d either have nothing to worry about or a bigger problem on your hands than you think.


Dear Hottywood,

How do you reach someone that doesn’t want to be reached?

Left Alone at the NON-Alter

Dear Left Alone at the Non-Alter,

NO!You don’t reach someone that doesn’t want to be reached. You can’t (or shouldn’t) force yourself on someone after they’ve made it clear by word or by action that they don’t want a connection with you. Back off! Not doing so may lead to some harsh truths or untruths about you that you don’t want revealed or expressed in any manner. Forcing yourself on someone instantly and automatically turns you into a stalker. It makes someone fear you in a “creepy, I’m gonna get my brother and his boys to kick your ass” kind of way. It leads to restraining orders, broken windows, flattened tires, and deflated egos. If reaching someone who doesn’t want to be reached is worth all that hassle and heartache to you, then go right ahead. But if I never hear from you again, then I’ll know you were hard-headed and refused to accept the advice you asked for. I’ll in turn try my best not to say I told you so, but I can’t make any promises.


Dear Hottywood,

I’m stuck in a dead end job. What do I do?

Water Boy

Dear Water Boy,

Beat yourself in the head with a stapler. The first answer is to look for another job. DUH! You are only stuck if you refuse to do something about your situation. Staying where you are to continue doing what you’re doing while knowing you can do or deserve better is a show and tell of complacency. Stop being lazy and get off your ass to find something else if not better. I would imagine you’re looking for something ‘more/else’ (for lack of a better word), otherwise you wouldn’t have bothered asking for advice in the first place. Use that same effort that you used to reach out to me to instead reach out to some employment agencies that can help you with a fresh start.


GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL!


CLICK HERE to see what other people are asking or visit http://HottywoodHelps.com/Ask-Hottywood

Advertisements

A Letter to the Slave-Driving Supervisor

Dear Supervisor,

I think enough of my hair has fallen out for me to finally feel comfortable enough to tell you that I am frikkin overworked and stressed the hell out! Between the thousands of phone calls, emails, and unexpected deadlines; not to mention taking on the responsibilities of those employees who have been fired; are out sick; or simply too overwhelmed to complete their own assignments; I must admit that I rather like my hair and would like to keep it just a little while longer before old age takes the privilege away from me.

As if coming to work isn’t hard enough in itself, especially after having dealing with the hard blows that life can throw at you , I have to come into the office and fall behind in my workload to attend 3 hour staff meetings and sit through meetings to discuss what’s going to be discussed in the next meeting.


While my colleagues are freely attending extended 2 hour lunches, I have approximately 22 minutes to eat, digest and shit before the next emergency arises and my ulcer once again rips through the lining of my stomach. The bags under my eyes from lack of sleep are heavy enough to carry a load of nervous tension as I twitch uncontrollably and break out into hives when I hear your high heels stomping towards the entrance of my office. Hiding for the sake of sanity is my first inclination, however there’s no time permitted on my calendar, as poking my eyeballs out with a number 2 pencil has taken up all of what’s left of my free time.

I’m not writing this letter to complain about the 200% increase in work, the disrespect of those needy ass coworkers who only come to me when they require something while ironically forgetting my name, or the fact that the cafeteria serves yesterday’s coffee every day and always seems to run out of sugar when I’ve finally found enough energy to drag myself by the collar to the coffee pot. I’m writing this letter to you to say, “Help.” Help me to understand why my outstanding performance evaluation has omitted me from getting the change in job title, the slightly bigger broom-closeted corner office, or the pay increase to match the duties I’ve collected since the last 5 – 7 employees left the company. Help me to understand why our department rests on the top floor when studies show that people inflicted with heavy amounts of stress are inclined to jump out of a window in hopes to land in the middle of a busy intersection. Help me to understand why when it comes time to offer kudos, Jane and John’s names are the first to be called when I’m the one who scarred myself to write the proposals, the memos, the cover letters, the charts and graphs, the powerpoint presentations and even ordered the ink pens that they penned their John Hancocks with.

Even now, as I write this letter to you, I must cut my time short because I only have 37 seconds to run to the bathroom, pee quickly and get to the conference room for the staff meeting that I’ve only been invited to because someone is needed to carry the heavy boxes of reports that’s going to be passed out to the rest of the team.

It’s not that I don’t love my job, because I do. I just want to live long enough to appreciate and enjoy it and buy the donuts that my small paychecks can only afford. You guys are killing me slowly. I implore you – HELP!  Hire a temp; build another me out of match sticks and Elmer’s glue.  Hell, I don’t care! But pretty soon there’s not going to be enough of me to go around because I’ll be buried somewhere 6 feet under a pile of manila folders.

Sincerely,

Your most humble, gracious and dedicated employee
with only ½ a head of full hair.

P.S.,

You have a call on line 2.


RELATED STORIES: 

Get more funnies like this with the purchase of HottywoodHelps.com’s debut book, “Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist” and find out what other office shenanigans are taking place inside Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions.

TUAC Cover

CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE YOUR COPY TODAY


Quote of the week:   “An ant on the move does more than a dozing ox.”


ask-hottywood

Things Not to Say to Your Boss, Unless You Just Don’t Give a…

Everyone has a moment where they want to tell their supervisor what they really think about them.  Even your supervisor has those days with their supervisor.  The office is the one place where you can count on all your colleagues to be on their “A” game when it comes to being fake.  Being fake at the office is the survival of the fittest!  It has to be done in order to ensure a steady paycheck and a couple of free cocktails during staff luncheons.  The hard part isn’t NOT speaking your mind; it’s to avoid saying the wrong things to the people who matter most.  And by “people who matter most” I mean the people who sign your paychecks!  Some things you may say by accident.  Some, by osmosis. Some things you might say just to get a rise or a laugh.  But when your money is concerned, the one thing you should concentrate on saying the most is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  If you just have to say something to let your boss know they are the living equivalence of monkey sweat, then choose a nice, flattering lie.  Tell them you can tell they’ve lost weight in their neck or something like that.  Be careful though.  Some of your compliments may come out all wrong and could cause your ass to live out of a shoe box in your neighbor’s back yard.  When in doubt, give them the middle finger when you think they’re not looking.  Most supervisors find power in signing their John Hancock on a pink slip.  So be warned.

Below are a list of things you should never say to your boss, unless you just don’t give a f*ck.

___________________________________________________________

“Nice Rack.”  It’s a known rule that you shouldn’t gawk over your supervisor unless you have mad game or every intention on screwing them for A) a promotion, B) blackmail or C) leverage, however most people are grossed out by the sight of their supervisors.  I think it’s a “power” thing, so this comment isn’t said too frequently.  At any rate, unless you and your boss are totally wasted at an office shindig, telling them they have a nice rack is a sure way to get sued or canned.  If your supervisor is a man, it’s a sure way to get the crap beaten out of you.

___________________________________________________________

“Did you smell that?”  Farting without care is never good.    …well, I shouldn’t say ‘never’. Farting because you’re subliminally referring to your boss as a piece of sh*t is never good.  Again, maybe I shouldn’t say ‘never’.  Trust me – they know they’re pieces of sh*t, they just don’t want to be reminded by a subordinate.  Bad day or not, passing gas and asking your boss if they smelled it is probably not a good way to build your own character, as entertaining as it may be.  But you haven’t lived until you’ve tried it at least once.

___________________________________________________________

“Go away, I’m on the phone.”  Slacking off at work is an unwritten responsibility that’s included in every employee’s job description.  Just as it’s unwritten, it should be done in private – but how many bosses do you know like to give their employees privacy?  If you’re having one of those days where you don’t feel like hearing the hum-drum of your manager’s bitchfests, pick up the phone and speak randomly to the dial tone.  Tell your boss to beat it until you’re done with your phone call.  Telling them to take a hike is a grand way to let them know you’d rather spend your days in an unemployment or soup kitchen [receiving] line.  Either way, you’ll have all the time and privacy you need once your ass has been fired!

___________________________________________________________

“You need an assistant.”  Suggesting to your manager that they need an assistant reiterates the question of why they hired you in the first place.  Just like you think your boss is a stinky butt hole, they think the same sh*t about you.  So after you’ve put your foot in your mouth and given them something to think about, just wait patiently for security to escort you out of the building. Most terminated employees don’t take their termination very well. Why should you be any different?  It really doesn’t matter one way or the other.  Just go out and find another job to be lazy at or another boss to insult.

___________________________________________________________

“I can not ignore you and concentrate on eating potato chips at the same time.”  No matter how hard you try, the sound of the loud crunch of potato chips does not drown out the monotonous echo of added work loads, high demands or long-winded conversations of dissatisfaction. You may be tempted to tell your boss to shut the hell up so you can concentrate on grubbing on your snacks, but it may not go over so well.  If you think typical superior blah blah is hard to wrap your head around, you haven’t heard anything until you’ve heard, “You’re fired!” barbarically battling the crunch of your chips.

___________________________________________________________

The list definitely continues with the “what not to say” to your supervisor or anyone responsible for signing your checks, for that matter.  Though you may be driven to tell them to kiss your ass or suck on smoldering hot lava rocks, it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to press your luck until they’ve cleared the room.  So the next time you get the urge to fix your lips to say something foolish, fight it.  All it takes is a little effort.  And 90% of any effort is getting started.

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:    “When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.”

Job Vacancy Announcement

Position Title:  Personal Flunky II

Company/Contact:  Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions, Anywhere I Need You To Be, USA

Salary:  Peanuts & Bubble Gum (if you’re lucky)

Closing Date:   When the damn job is filled. Duh.

The Position:  Flunky will scratch/kiss reporting supervisors’ ass(es), jump on demand, and serve as personal jackass to CEO, CFO, President, VP, Assistant to the Assistant Administrative Assistant and Janitor of Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions.  

Minimum Qualifications: One year of experience equivalent to jackass/dumb ass or two years of experience equivalent to a nobody that’s looking to be recognized for something…anything.  A Bachelor’s degree from a notable clown college or 1 year experience as an unfortunate milk crate eviction target.  Applicant will not speak unless spoken to, have no spine, no personal goals, no opinion, no friends, no life, no drama, and no chance of amounting to anything more than a talentless schmuck seeking approval from anyone who could give two sh!ts less about them.  Must be willing to rob banks and/or hold up liquor stores, work for peanuts, bubble gum (generic) and saltine cracker crumbs.  Must have strong feet or wheels on ankles (a lot of walking is required) and able to lift objects 15 lbs or greater (applicant will lift his/her ego off the floor frequently). 

Special Selection Factors:  Employment is contingent on the passing of a medical/physical examination. Must be able to work week-ends, rotating shifts and holidays as required, commanded, demanded and expected. Employment is contingent upon successful completion of a pre-employment alcohol/drug test. The test is to determine the presence of alcohol and/or illegal drugs, unauthorized prescription drugs.

Physical Abilities: Must be healthier than a dying willow tree, able to go without food and beverage for extended periods of time and maintain a high level of low self esteem. 

Preference:  Bilingual (English/Pig Latin/Ebonics) speaking skills. Physically unable to say “No.”

How to Apply:  Submit a professional resume (or something close to it) to:

Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions, 000 ½ N. Nowhere Street, 3rd Floor Basement, Anywhere I Need You To Be, USA  20101-0001   

NO PHONE OR FAX SUBMISSIONS

*As a condition of employment, employees are required upon hire to sign a drug-free workplace agreement, though duties may include getting some green from Pookie & ‘em at employer’s request.

*Following an offer of employment, and prior to starting work, individuals must have a pre-employment drug test by a physician designated by Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions. The examination will be paid for out of applicant’s pocket (Cash only. Peanuts and bubble gum not accepted).  Refusal or inability to pay for the exam will result in automatic disqualification of application consideration. 

Note:  If applicant has additional questions, don’t bother to ask.  Employers of Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions don’t care and won’t listen.  Hired applicant will serve LHCPP, not the other way around.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 30-November 5, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You have more nerves than Idaho has potatoes, still someone will find your last one and get on it.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your ego wouldn’t be so big if you wore your credit score on your sleeve.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The language of love begins and ends with the word, “bitch.” Use it with well intent and at your own risk.

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

This pay period, the amount of dollars in your checking account will be the same as your shoe size.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The first punch doesn’t have to be the last lick.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Beware of a ham dressed in turkey’s clothes.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

To feel your best, spend more time today telling other people what to do.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

There’s no better day than today to try a bacon-wrapped chocolate donut.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A drunk wino with skin of wrinkled leather will flash you at the bus stop. Oddly, you may enjoy it.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today you are overly cheerful and peppy. You are the morning person someone wants to pour hot coffee all over. Watch your back.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone new is going to steal your thunder. Bribe everyone you know to stay on your side.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Luck would have you to get stuck in an elevator with the president, vice president and secretary of the Deodorant is for Wimps Foundation.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:    “’Give a man a match and he’ll be warm for a minute. Set him on fire and he’ll probably burn to death.’ This proverb is perhaps the exception to the rule that beggars can’t be choosers.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 23-29, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The definition of a good psychiatrist is a bartender that pours without a spout.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Something special will happen in the next 48 hours if you go to the nearest Dunkin Donuts and lick all the sugar off the powdered donuts.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are going to regret burning a bridge when your ass is being chased by a pack of dogs.

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your next secret admirer will be an ex-con who went to jail for burning down a diner in Arkansas because his eggs were too runny.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Be careful of the ditch you dig for someone else. That very ditch may have your name written all over it.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Instead of finding a $1 bill on the ground, good luck will have you find a small bottle of butt spray. What you do with it is up to you.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

An absent minded man should keep a hanger in the back seat just in case he locks his keys in the car.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

For the next 12 hours spell everything you have to say letter by letter.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It doesn’t make sense to bring sand to the beach.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Start each conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be the last time, I dunno.”

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

That little guy that turns your refrigerator light on and off is about to quit.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

What’s the difference between a cheapskate and you?  One of you eats Cornflakes with a fork.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “When listing the toppings you want on your next pizza, include another pizza.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 16-22, 2011

Some people have problems they never address and are just as screwed up as everyone else.  Luckily for them I take time to invest real talk for real people. 

~ Love, Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The problem is wherever you go, there you are. Sometimes you need to get away from yourself.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Just because you’re in the house doesn’t mean you’re home.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The older you get, the better you get…unless you’re a banana.

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

The greatest room in the world is the room for improvement.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You know it’s been a long night when the bags under your eyes hang low enough for your entire head to fall in. 

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Hell is full of people with good intentions.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

On any morning that ends in the letter “y,” the only thing that stands between you and a federal charge is a cup of coffee.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

A stopped clock is right twice a day.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If someone had to describe you in five words or less, those words would be, “The sheep that cried wolf.”

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you’ve made it again.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If looks could kill…well, never mind. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.”