Remember Your First Heart-Felt “F*ck You!”?

Not all memories of your past are good ones.  Sure, there are some.  The first time you got laid, the first time you ate popcorn and potato chips at the same time, even your first solo in the shower.  But it’s those bad memories that stick out like sore thumbs.  For example – the first time you got laid, the first person to ever break your heart or your first solo OUT of the shower.  Though many people sit and reminisce on the days of yesteryear, you, along with about a kabillion other people sit and reminisce on that one person who led you on, only to step on your heart like a roach invading a home in the projects. 

Granted, you may find yourself asking yourself the question, “What the hell was I thinking?” at times, but those memories aren’t all a bag of crap – at least they shouldn’t be.  You’d be insensitive or inhuman if they were.  Maybe even a moron for dealing with such harshness of a shattered love, at least in the concept of what you thought love should be.  In some ways, you kind of owe your “first” a word of thanks.  Not in the sense of thanking them with a bouquet of roses, unless those roses are dead and wilted.  But thanking them for allowing you the opportunity to learn that you are so much better a person without them.  After all, how would you know how to deal with a broken heart if it wasn’t for that person, who lied to you, cheated on you and made you more of a less-wanted option as opposed to a can’t-do-without necessity?  Just think, there’s so many other reasons you can give thanks to that individual who never really gave a sh*t about you in private, only in public when it really mattered, when their set of friends looked on to your scripted relationship with envy.  You should stand proudly and hold your head up high as you thank the motherf*cker for:  

  • ruining someone else’s false hopes of living and loving happily ever after,
  • assisting you in losing weight after all those lonely nights of warm tears and loss of appetite, 
  • for no longer making you feel like an unwanted fool for forgetting special days like your birthday, Christmas and Valentine’s Day,
  • for no longer using you as a guinea pig for a love affair they prayed to have sans YOU,
  • for blaming you for a mistake they made, and
  • last but not least, for teaching you how to say and mean the most profound words of our country’s history, “F*ck you!”

You’d be just as much of a liar as they were if you admitted out loud that you no longer harbored any positive or negative thoughts to the tainted past. No one ever moves on completely…not when their “first” is concerned.  It’s just easier to hold on to all the profane thoughts of a “plastic” relationship than it is to admit you were a fool for love at all.  The truth is you’re going to be a fool for love many times over, even if you’re lucky enough to find your soul mate. 

Finding that one true love isn’t a matter of effort, it’s a matter of two things: (1) time and (2) patience.  Two things most people believe they don’t have a lot of.    

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Quote of the week:    “The stupidest mistake in life is thinking the one who hurt you the most, won’t hurt you again.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Feb. 21-27, 2010

Tomorrow’s negative energy can be avoided if you use a little duck tape and a pack of Bubblicious gum!  To avoid life’s deep potholes and puppy poops, get the answers today for tomorrow’s questions.   

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Trick-or-Treating on Halloween night is the only time begging is allowed. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to look like an ass when you get caught doing the dumb sh*t you thought you got away with.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

When a situation becomes too sticky, rub up against everything like a cat.  –Works every time. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you still have aluminum foil on your TV antenna, you deserve not to have any friends. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

If you know you’re a lazy-ass when it comes to waking up in the morning, grease your body with motor oil before going to bed. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You’re going to owe someone a big favor for keeping a secret you weren’t smart enough to keep yourself. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Having a ‘Plan B’ is not necessary if you have a big voice and an even bigger stun gun. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Drinking kool-aid from a champagne glass does not make you classy. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If you find a strange sense of fulfillment watching the laundry dryer spin, it may be time to re-evaluate some things. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You’re going to have good luck every day. 

…except on any day that has 2 syllables in it. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You are going to enter a room every time someone ironically says, “…oh sh*t.” 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Receiving death threats in the mail is just karma’s funny little way of saying, “hello.” 

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Quote of the Week:    “Save your pennies like you save your life or save your life like you save your pennies.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Jan. 3-9, 2010

Life would go so much smoother if you could foresee the distribution of ass gas at the very moment you are exchanging phone numbers with a potential new lover.  Well never fear, Hottywood is here to help with the predictions of the future. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

A big secret you couldn’t keep to yourself will come back to bite you in the ass.  Watch out for a bitch named Karma.  She has a mean left hook.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to be a know-it-all this week and wrong about everything.  Wear bright colors.  They look better with the color of “ass.” 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Your weave is going to get caught in your jacket zipper – which is really questionable if you’re a man. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Dress in layers.  The sweat from your armpits is going to bleed through your heaviest shirts, leaving the most unattractive stains.  Prepare to be a laughing stock.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You win some.  You lose some.  And some you just give up on. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Your elbows are going to be your selling point to the next person who shows interest in you.  Way to go!  You sure know how to pick ‘em. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Two things are demanding your attention.  You’re going to have to choose: The chicken or the egg. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You won’t be able to get the scent of raw onions from under your nose.  Put all of your energy into personal hygiene. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Purchase a roll of Bounty [the quicker picker upper].  You’re going to need it for the ass stains you leave behind whenever you get up from a chair. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

It’s about time someone told you to the shut the hell up.  No one wants your advice or your opinion.  Kickbox a whole in a wall and change everyone’s views on you for a whole new reason.  Try new things. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

“Boring” is soooo last year.  Shave only one armpit and wear nothing but tank tops all week.  You will be commended on your  free spirit and psychotically challenged awareness, you freak. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Be careful of the rings of gossip you fall into.  It’s never the one who starts the rumor that gets caught.  Watch your back. 

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Quote of the Week:   “The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.”