Lock and Load: The Season of the Flip-Flop is Upon Us

Ugly Feet ShoeIt’s almost that time again – the wretched season of the flip flop.

With winter slowly, almost and  finally kind of toying with the idea of getting lost to make way for Spring’s fresh, frilly and fragrant flowers, it won’t be long before the fragrance of those flowers are overpowered by bunion cream and foot powder.

That’s right kats and kittens, tis’ the season to be not-so-jolly with the return of flips flops and sandals [paired with white socks]. Woe is me!

Gun FootIf you’ve been following HottywoodHelps.com for the past couple of years, then you are well aware of my unconditional despise for sandals. I won’t even bother to mention the words “flip flops” again because the words alone make my stomach quiver. As much as I’m not looking forward to different variations of footwear toe displays, I am equally as excited about finally putting my portable rocket launcher to good use.

Spring and summer are the only explainable seasons for firing off missiles aimed at unkempt feet and even more disastrous footwear – Jesus sandals, gladiator sandals, flat sandals, slide sandals, topless sandals and my absolute least favorite – thong ip-ops (rhymes with flip-flops). And don’t even mention the sin of putting on foot sweaters (socks) with sandals. That should be one of the 10 commandments: “Thou shalt not go there.”

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a happening kind of guy. I can get with most of today’s fashion trends – with the exception of skinny jeans, sagging jeans, excessive hair extensions, overdramatized faux eyelashes and wearing sunglasses at night – but you lose me with toe thongs. I dunno, call me old fashioned.

Is now a good time to bring up my idea of eliminating feet and shoes all together and replacing them with wheels? At least then we’ll stumble across a new fashion phase – ankle hubcap spinners! Yay or Nay? What say ye?

foot wheels


Quote of the week:   “If you want to forget about all your other troubles, wear a pair of shoes all day that are too small for your feet.”

Which is More Stupid: Ugg Boots or Flip Flops???

Despite the fact that Uggs and their many knockoff incarnations have long been considered a “fashion don’t” (unfortunately, unless you live in my neck of the woods), lots of women [and sadly some poorly fashioned men] love and continue to wear the suede and sheepskin catastrophes.  The good news, for those of you who are offended by the tragic site of these hideously ugly boots is, winter is leaving with a fond farewell and is opening the doors for spring and summer, taking with it, this suede fashion blunder.  Along with the change of seasons however, come the dreaded flip-flops.  But before we go into the misfortune of the flip flop, let’s discuss why you should be thanking your lucky stars that the style of the Ugg boot is finally melting away with the madness of winter.

We’ve already established that Ugg boots are nothing but the work of the devil, though devilishly warm.  Although they are soft and comfortable, they are not necessarily good for the feet.  In fact, experts say that they are doing more damage to the feet than anyone realizes.  With each step an Ugg-boot-wearing-idiot takes, the force falls towards the inside of the foot and the feet splay.  This flattens the arch and makes it drop.  The result can lead to significant problems with the foot, the ankle, and ultimately, the hip.

** And we thought having corns was bad? **

Whether you spend the suggested retail price of $140 for the real thing or $24.99 for the cheap imitation, those damn igloo shoes don’t provide any more comfort than a pair of shoes made out of plastic shopping bags.  The bottom line here folks is that these shoes are both ugly AND dangerous.  And on top of flattening your foot, they make your feet stink.

What would you rather have – smelly feet or very visible ashy corns?  Ladies and gentlemen, enter most hesitantly, “the flips flop.”

Flip flops, also known as thongs, pluggers, or jandals, are an open type of footwear consisting of a flat sole held loosely on the foot by a Y-shaped strap, like a thin thong, that passes between the first and second toes and around either side of the foot. Unlike sandals and very much like Ugg boots, flip-flops lack in proper support for the foot.  But forget about support! Who the hell wants to see ½ painted toenails, fungus underneath the baby toe or hard, crusty ash on the heels of people darker than an African’s pubic hair?  Not I!  If you leave it up to me, people would have hovercrafts for feet and no one would have to be forced to hold in the gag reflex of seeing extra long toenails scraping the pavement.  In the wise words of someone who was smart enough to know that showing unmanicured feet is ridiculously cruel and unusual punishment, “Gimme a break!”

So you see folks, whether you want to accept it or not, both Uggs and flip flops are eye sores, environmentally unsafe and detrimental to the proper treatment of animals.  They are just plain wrong!  And if you are caught on the street wearing either item, you should run for your life in guilt and shame.  That’ll take no effort at all.  Just picture an army of angry villagers chasing you with burning torches and nooses.  Be careful though, while you are running for your life.  You can’t get very far with no support for your ankles.  Once those villagers catch you, you’ll know exactly what those poor sheep must’ve gone through for the sake of your tacky style.

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Quote of the week:    “The difference between style and fashion is quality.”

In the Dark About Sunglasses at Night

I am about to ask the age old question, “Why do people wear sunglasses at night?”  Is it me or is that an oxymoron?  It could be that only morons do it, but before I pass judgment, let’s give it a small thought and try to analyze the sense of this senseless fashion faux pas.

Once upon a time, arguably in the early 80’s during the height of the hit release, “Sunglasses at Night” (Canadian song-writer Corey Hart) it seemed only celebrities donned camera fronts, red carpets, and club venues with their eyes covered in fashionable eyewear in the wee hours of the night.  However now-a-days it appears everyone has fallen prey to this stylish misstep.  Logically, it makes no sense. 

Wearing sunshades at night should be a crime.  It isn’t hip.  It isn’t safe and it suggests you have something to hide.  Not to mention, it doesn’t protect you from walking into walls.  Though imbecilic as this may sound, you’d be surprised to know that this trend is just as popular with the older generation as it is with the younger generation, obviously for different reasons, of course.  

For teens and young adults, doing the whole sunglasses-at-night thing is all about image and style.  It’s about looking cool and making a statement.  But if you ask me, if they’re not P. Diddy, the only statement they’re making is, “I look dumb.” 

On the other hand, most old geezers who are ophthalmology patients find that wearing sunglasses at night — ones with a slight tint as opposed to deep black lenses — can cut down on the unpleasant glare that comes from headlights and streetlights.  This only makes sense if they’re playing in traffic or swinging like monkeys from a streetlamp.  However old people have earned their right to do whatever the hell they want and not give a damn about what anyone thinks.  So if they want to be stupid and knock over their denture cups or play in traffic and run the risk of getting hit by an oncoming truck, let ‘em! Wisdom comes from our elders, so they must know something us younger folk don’t.  There’s a lot to be learned from them, just don’t soak up this fashion-DON’T – your life could depend on it.

Whatever the reason, even in the name of fashion, I wouldn’t suggest wearing shades at night, or indoors, for that matter.  You have a lot to lose.  For example, your sense of style and possibly your reputation for ‘frontin’ like you a Gee, homie.

I hereby cast my vote to lock anyone walking the streets or driving a car after the sun has laid its head to rest, in a dark room for three days and feed them nothing but the crumbs of week-old bread while forcing them to watch the full run of Little House on the Prairie.  If that doesn’t teach them, nothing will. 

As we come to a close, I should take this opportunity to inform you of the only few reasons why covering your eyes at night would be acceptable:

  1. You’re a drunk or a pothead and you need to cover your red ass eyes; 
  2. You need to protect your ego because someone has just inflicted a scathing insult to your dumb ass for wearing sunshades when there’s no sunlight to block;
  3. You’re a pirate who forgot your eye patch in your other bootleg; or
  4. You’re a spy.   

All jokes aside folks, take off those stupid glasses.  If you have something to hide, trust me, you’ll drop your bomb in other ways.  But not as easily if you practice.  It all begins with removing the shades.  It just takes a little effort, and 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   “Courage is doing what you’re afraid to do.  There can be no courage unless you’re scared.”

A LETTER TO MY HATER

Dear Hater,

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a chance to say thank you.  I would like to thank you for hating on me as much as you do.  You see, by hating me, you are helping me to the better person you aren’t willing to give me credit for. 

Ordinarily I would tell you to drive your car over a cliff, however I see your life is already doomed because you have nothing better to do with yourself than to find reasons to judge my personal success.  I’ve extended my hand to help you get a little self esteem and instead of taking my help, you damned it, leaving yourself in the same sh*t creek you were in when I first met you. 

Life is good for me.  It’s better now that I am away from you.  Yet you are trying your best to make yourself a part of my life.  For your information, I have enough crap pouring out of my ass after I eat a hefty combo of tacos and pickles.  I don’t need you to stink things up any more. 

If it wasn’t for your strong desire to hold me back, I would be a no good loser just like you.  I would have no friends, just like you.  I wouldn’t be able to keep a relationship, just like you.  I’d probably be sitting in a corner pointing my gossiping finger at everyone who’s so much better than me…just like you. 

car-covered-with-bird-crapAlas I have prayed for peace and tranquility.  I also purchased a flock of trained circus pigeons to unload steaming bird droppings on your car each time you wash it.  I’ve changed my telephone number and placed a herd of wild llamas on my front porch to attack at the smell of your presence. 

I have found my place in life.  I am happy and rich in more ways than money.  And it is all because of you  – my inspiration; my muse; my personal crap bag.  My hater!

                                                                       Love always,

                                                                        Hottywood

 

P.S.

I’m sure you won’t be a hater  for all of your days…well, I’m not totally sure, but I do at least hope that your existence amounts to something more worthwhile.  Just remember that the change begins with YOU90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:    “Haters only hate the things that they can’t get and the people they can’t be.”