Springtime Blues: The Same Lame Game as Last Year

Guys and gals, welcome to Spring; a change of season and a transition of a host of things that transcend from bad to worse.  Don’t get me wrong, we say goodbye to a lot of things we can do without however not without sacrifices.  After all, life is about sacrifices, right?

Strap your seat belts tight, kids ’cause this bound to be a bumpy ride.

It’s so amazing how a simple thing like warm weather can inspire foot trends. Not too long ago boots were the only thing that kept us grounded when skating on thin ice.  They were the must-have of the time!  In fact, if you weren’t wearing boots then your feet deserved to freeze.

Boots were necessary, safe and warm.  And since it looked like the snow wasn’t going to melt overnight, people were forced to adapt their own personal style to the trend and the weather.

The snow brought on, I must admit, quite a few interesting choices of onion peels for foot hidery (yeah, I made up a word).  But as chemistry, biology, or one of those “ologies” proves, fire always melts ice which all boils down to this one thing…Spring; the middle ground of fashion, where everyone is too damned confused to know what the hell to wear on their feet.  And just like that we’re stuck with socks & sandals, stupid gladiator boots and poorly maintained pedicures.

Regretfully, the buck doesn’t stop there.

If you think you were befuddled by people who put their underwear on public display now… Good gawd a’reckon!  To put it as professionally as I possibly can: “You ain’t seen nothing yet.”

Jeans, sweatpants, booty shorts, mini skirts…I don’t care how the package is wrapped, everyone is guaranteed to see the goods.  Now I won’t go into all the specifics of the number of sanitation issues, privacy act violations, suggestive and just plain ol’ T.M.I. stuff this raises.

Whatever the case, political or not, when you’re talking about people’s underwear, it’s always a big fat case of, “Oh Crap!”

…No pun intended.

What would Spring be without the hippest trend of the season, motorcycles?  It’s true you can’t wear a motorcycle, but these days it seems everyone and their grandmother has one of those artistically designed, loud and obnoxious accessories that anyone without envies. 

Let’s face it; bikes are going to be everywhere.  For guys, they are babe magnets.  And most ordinary dudes usually can’t resist a hot biker chick.  Something about her straddling the back of the bike with her arms wrapped tightly around the driver’s waist, only a slight notch away from a pornographic scene seems to get everyone all riled up.

Beware though.  Where there are bikes, bikers, and biker babes, there’s always an accident or two just waiting for its spot of 15 minutes of fame to be aired on the local news at 11 channel.

If the bike accident isn’t enough for you, if you see one too many ass cracks parlaying in the wind, you’d just might want to gouge your eyeballs out.  Either accident can be considered terrifyingly amusing to watch, not to mention news worthy.

Love it or leave…that’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

I heard someone say once, “…if you fall off a horse, you have to get back on it.” 

I wonder if the same rule applies if one survives a bike crash?

We could probably go on about the lameness of Spring that would include April showers, allergies, flip flops, shorts & jackets, skull caps & tank tops and booty shorts with stockings.  But if we keep going now, we’ll spoil all the surprises Summer has in store for us.   And if there’s one thing I hate to do, it’s a spoil a surprise.

So as I pack my bags and prepare to bid you a fond farewell until the next time we meet, I’d like to leave you with this thought:  Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every few months.   

Lucky for us all 90% of any effort is getting started.   

At least we know there’s one thing that’s guaranteed not to be any different from the Spring prior to this, and that’s the same lame game as last year. 


Quote of the Week:  “Fashion is something that goes in one year and out the other.”


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Don’t Sleep on the Toe Doze

I suppose now is as good a time as any to sit down and have a random chat of observation specifically about the wheels of the body – aka feet/toes. If we were sitting face to face, right about now would be when you’d witness me hang my head low and shake it in disappointment, though not without mixed emotion.

As a man who is no big fan of feet, I am more than elated that the winter weather is approaching, thereby forcing sandal lovers to hibernate their thong flops and bare feet for a season. On the flip side, I am saddened that a lot of people, both men and women, will use the cold weather as an excuse to ignore the maintenance on their feet, leaving pedicure specialists across the world frightened of the white crusty foot build up they will have to look forward to facing come the dawn of spring and summer.

Some people will ignore foot upkeep out of laziness. Some will do so because they are just plain ol’ cheap. Others, because they feel no one will see their bunions during the colder months of the year. Sadly all are mistaken.

Feet must be kept up for three reasons:

REASON NUMBER ONE

The upkeep of hardwood floors.

The crust that builds on the heel of a foot will scratch the beautiful finish of hardwood floors.

I remember going to a dinner party over a friend’s house one winter’s night. The splinters in her floors were so out of control that I had to leave the party wearing stilts because they ate through the soles of my shoes like termites. This was all thanks to that young lady (whose food I refused to eat for fear that her hands were anywhere near her feet) that refused to pay a $17 visit to her foot care provider. Because she was either cheap or lazy, I had to pay the price. I’m still picking splinters out of my feet.

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REASON NUMBER TWO

Life Expectancy of Bedmates/Bed Linen/ Mattresses.

Unclipped toe nails will break the skin of the person sleeping next to you. They will also slice bed linen and rip through a mattress like Freddie Krueger in Nightmare on Elm Street. Razor sharp toenails fall into the category of “worst case scenario” for one night stands, right after bad sex and hermaphrodites.

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REASON NUMBER THREE

Respect for Apartment Renters that Live on a Lower Level.

Between the extra long raggedy toenails and weighted ashy heels of the neighbor that lives in an apartment unit on any level above the ground floor, the weight of the [foot] heel crust build up will damage the ceiling of the lower level tenant, running the risk of a possible ceiling collapse.

My Uncle McWeeterwatten used to walk around his apartment barefooted all day every day. I don’t think he realized that the build up on the bottom of his feet were destroying his floor beams with each step he took. He managed to survive one massive winter without getting his corns scrubbed. But on the first day of spring, just as he tied up his sneakers to run to the neighborhood foot spa, his floor beams finally gave out, sending him plummeting through the ceiling of the apartment below him. He suffered a law suit from his neighbor, the property owners of his complex, incurred an outrageous hospital bill and a spike in his home renter’s insurance. His failure to keep his feet up during the winter resulted in him spending so much money that he couldn’t afford to buy a new pair of shoes (or sandals) for eight months, three weeks, and two days.

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For the sake of sanity, personal safety and good health, it’s always important to keep your toenails clipped, your heels sand blasted and lathered up with lotion, and [in some cases] doused with a little baby power. And by ‘a little’ I mean a whole bottle full. Not only will you get a little more respect from your local pedicure specialist, but your feet will think twice before betraying you by kicking you swiftly where the sun doesn’t shine.

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Quote of the Week:  “Better to slip with foot than tongue.”

When the Weave that Would Suddenly Won’t

Let’s face it, when the weather is too hot even for the sun, not even the coolest rides can stand up to the scorching heat.

This week in Washington,  temperatures are sky-rocketing to ‘hell’ degrees. By ‘hell degrees’ I mean a high temperature of about 94-1,000,000 with a heat index somewhere around 209 gazillion. With a code red heat advisory  in effect for the residents of the Metropolitan area, or at least the residents of my apartment, it is with great regret that I say the warning has nothing to do with the heat itself but rather the mane on the crowns of those that suffer from the sun’s stinging rays.  This is usually the point in the text where I make some witty comment about the subject at hand however my brain sizzled to a point of evaporation somewhere during the journey between the walk from the parking lot to my office door.

Instead, a lot of DC females will watch their  weave money burst into flames because 9 out 10 of them failed to buy a pack of weave that carries a heat resistant label on the package.

Because my fingertips are beginning to melt as they stroke the letters on my keyboard, I’m going to cut to the chase and let the below images speak for themselves. Keep your fingers crossed that if the heat doesn’t kill me first, the women of DC, Maryland and/or Virginia whose weaves are standing on its last leg don’t come charging after me for making fun of their tragic tresses.

“If I were you I’d wear a hat, too.”


“Her hat must’ve evaporated while waiting at the bus stop. I wish it were my eyes that melted instead of her hat.”


“If I didn’t know any better I’d think her whole head exploded.”


“This ass lost its tail for nothing.”


The only way a bad weave could get any worse [due to the devil himself rising from the pits of hell] is if the weave started out looking bad to begin with.

I rest my case.


Quote of the Week:  “Whether the weather be fine, Whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold, Whether the weather be hot, We’ll weather the weather, Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not.”

Lock and Load: The Season of the Flip-Flop is Upon Us

Ugly Feet ShoeIt’s almost that time again – the wretched season of the flip flop.

With winter slowly, almost and  finally kind of toying with the idea of getting lost to make way for Spring’s fresh, frilly and fragrant flowers, it won’t be long before the fragrance of those flowers are overpowered by bunion cream and foot powder.

That’s right kats and kittens, tis’ the season to be not-so-jolly with the return of flips flops and sandals [paired with white socks]. Woe is me!

Gun FootIf you’ve been following HottywoodHelps.com for the past couple of years, then you are well aware of my unconditional despise for sandals. I won’t even bother to mention the words “flip flops” again because the words alone make my stomach quiver. As much as I’m not looking forward to different variations of footwear toe displays, I am equally as excited about finally putting my portable rocket launcher to good use.

Spring and summer are the only explainable seasons for firing off missiles aimed at unkempt feet and even more disastrous footwear – Jesus sandals, gladiator sandals, flat sandals, slide sandals, topless sandals and my absolute least favorite – thong ip-ops (rhymes with flip-flops). And don’t even mention the sin of putting on foot sweaters (socks) with sandals. That should be one of the 10 commandments: “Thou shalt not go there.”

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a happening kind of guy. I can get with most of today’s fashion trends – with the exception of skinny jeans, sagging jeans, excessive hair extensions, overdramatized faux eyelashes and wearing sunglasses at night – but you lose me with toe thongs. I dunno, call me old fashioned.

Is now a good time to bring up my idea of eliminating feet and shoes all together and replacing them with wheels? At least then we’ll stumble across a new fashion phase – ankle hubcap spinners! Yay or Nay? What say ye?

foot wheels


Quote of the week:   “If you want to forget about all your other troubles, wear a pair of shoes all day that are too small for your feet.”

Why Sunglasses are as Important as Underwear

Over a period of history, dating back even to the 12th century (so I’ve been told. The 12th century is just a wee bit before my time), sunglasses have undergone quite a few changes in terms of functionality and appearance.

A MOMENT IN HISTORY

  • In the beginning, China witnessed the first occurrence of sunglasses, which were most commonly worn by the wealthy.
  • Later in the 18th century, sunglasses with vision correction were conceived by James Ayscough.
  • Sunglasses really took off in the 1920s, which was contributed by the prevalence of the film industry.
  • During the decades after the 1930s, sunglasses were widely accepted and has since maintained its popularity.

Traditional sunglasses were only expected to offer proper protection against UV rays and HEV radiation. Then came the innovation in sunwear style ( various shapes, sizes and colors).  Today, sunglasses have become more than just a popular accessory. They are in fact quite as important as underwear. You’re probably wondering where I’m going with this. It’s simple actually. We all wear underwear to cover our asses. That’s about the only reason I can come up with right now for wearing underwear, but when you think about it, the only reason we wear sunglasses is to cover our eyes, right? WRONG. There are actually a few more functionalities of sunglasses. They not only come in handy to protect eyes from UV rays, but they also come in handy when:


sleepy dog glassesYou’re sleepy.
Far be it from me to judge anyone that wears sunglasses indoors. Well actually not far be it from me. I’ll judge. People look crazy wearing sunglasses indoors but I never stopped to consider that maybe those crazy folks are wearing their sunglasses indoors because they were up all night doing sinful things and woke up the next morning looking like a zombie from an episode of the Walking Dead. Hell, if I looked like that I’d hide behind a pair of dark specs too. Shit. Maybe I need to put my sunglasses on because I feel like my forehead will formally and intimately introduce itself to this keyboard any minute now.

You’re hungover. You can’t tell me that you’ve never gone to work with a hangover. The lights are too loud. The fax machine is too loud. Your head is pounding too loudly. The color of your blood shot eyes are too loud. What better way to hide your disheveled face than behind a pair of your darkest lenses? Sure, everyone may still be able to smell the alcohol seeping out of your pores, but smelly pores never looked so good behind an obscure pair of specs.

You’re having a bad hair day. You have to admit that sometimes even your best outfit can’t hide those straggly strands. Your clothes are too far away from your head. It’s not enough of a distraction. And if you think your outfit won’t distract from your head, then you can forget about your shoes. Don’t waste your time on sky high heels or the whitest pair of kicks money can buy. Instead throw on the coolest shades you can find. They’re right on your face and everyone looking into your dome will be fascinated that you owned your messy look. No matter what you wear; no matter how bushy, nappy, curly or bald your hair is…whether your braids are too tight or half of your baby hair has fallen out on the bus, a nice pair of sunglasses ALWAYS looks good and pulls a look together. They make whatever style you’re rocking, good or bad, look as if you meant to do it. Your bad hair day, coupled with a nice pair of sunglasses instantly transforms your style into BAMA CHIC. Problem solved!

You’re covertly checking out someone’s boobs. Men do it. Women even do it. Everyone checks out boobs. In an attempt not to single out any one group [boob lovers], sunglasses are also used to check out someone’s pecs, butt, and pants prints. Checking out these body parts is usually inappropriate, no matter what situation you’re in. Sunglasses are necessary to hide your roaming eyes so someone doesn’t accidentally roam their fist into your face.

In the end, the aesthetical progression in the sunwear industry does not conflict with sunglasses’ functional dimensions. They marry quite well, actually. In today’s world you can get a great pair of sunglasses in all shapes, sizes, and colors. And no matter how ugly the glasses are, how bad your hair is, how wrinkled your clothes are, or how disheveled your face appears, if you throw on a pair of sunglasses you instantly look cool. Sunglasses aren’t just a fashion thing. They are a necessity and should be a staple in everyone’s wardrobe.

To me, sunglasses are like potato chips – I can’t have just one!  In fact, I have a pair for each voice in my head.

 

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Quote of the Week:  “With my sunglasses on, I’m Jack Nicholson. Without them, I’m fat and 60.” –Jack Nicholson

Needed or Not?

Pee PeeUndergarments (or underwear) have been worn for over 7000 years (according to the research I found on the internet. I was surprised because the bible conditioned me to go back in time only 2000 years, but hey I’ve been known to fall off the little yellow bus every now and then).

The history of undergarments has gone from the very simple loincloth to some rather elaborate lingerie. Although we primarily wear underwear to protect our outerwear, it is also worn to provide support, to keep us warm, and even to be fashionable (thanks Madonna; George Clinton!). Today we are going to gripe over the opening in the crotch of men’s boxer shorts. I know it’s a rather strange topic to discuss but so what? It’s a free country, right?

It’s easy to assume that the crotch opening is merely for easy access when a man needs to whip out his family jewels to go number one behind a bush. It could also provide easy access in other situations that I’d only be at liberty to say out loud on paper if this were an erotica article. So for all you readers out there that have your mind in a gutter, join the club! My mind is in the gutter, too. And yes, we’re thinking about the same thing(s), but that’s not the point of this post.

Though those reasons are a good enough raison d’être to have a hole in your underwear, it can not go unnoticed when that hole is a mere inconvenience to the man wearing the draws. For example, when your Johnson decides to play peek-a-boo outside of that crotch opening while you’re zipping up your jeans (OUCH!); or when you’re walking and it decides to play peek-a-boo outside of the open crotch window while inside your trousers, leaving you to walk funny or bring a great amount of attention to your groin area as you stroll down the street, office hallway, or the center aisle of a Baptist church sanctuary.

To the lazy man that thought it a good idea to put a crotch opening in a pair of boxer shorts, let me be the first to say your idea was ingenious. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve thrown up a fist bump or a symbolic high five for not having to completely unbutton my pants when standing at a McDonald’s urinal while waiting for my fries to cook. In contrast though, I have to say you didn’t think this plan out all the way. You didn’t consider the possibility of a man’s private parts sticking its head out of the window when having inappropriate thoughts during a staff meeting or some other ambiguous situation.

While I won’t be too critical for the money you drew in off of one lazy idea (okay, I could be hating just a little bit), I will say that the crotch opening in a man’s underwear is further proof that even the most perfect things are and/or can be flawed.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go take a potty break, and lucky for me I only have to do number one!

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Quote of the Week: “In department stores, so much kitchen equipment is bought indiscriminately by people who just come in for men’s underwear.” – Julia Childs

Cheers to the Weekend: The Grand-daddy of Regret

Once upon a time an innocent boy, low on the popularity totem pole, decided to ignore his good-boy conscious and opted for once to live life to the fullest.

His adventures began with one little glass of alcohol…

As a result, the boy who otherwise would not have been taken seriously by any woman in a romantic arena got laid for the first time by a woman who would be considered by some to be as large as the arena itself.

He closed his eyes as he experienced his first romantic encounter – or so he thought – until he realized his eyes weren’t closed at all. Instead he was buried and suffocated by the weight of the woman’s massive house-like body.

It took all of 15 minutes before the large woman determined the noises coming from the frail boy wasn’t moans of pleasure, but rather yelps for mercy. Soon after, she freed him from her relentless grip. He ran in terror with a shred of dignity and even more shredded underwear. Sadly his equilibrium was about as note worthy as his judgment in alcohol and women.

As he sped away from the quiet street of the unfamiliar neighborhood of his plump love bucket, his car swerving from one side of the street to the other, he was tailed and pulled over by the cops for suspicion of drinking while under the influence.

Just when he thought things could get no worse…

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Quote of the Week:  “I’m not as think as you drunk I am.”

The 90s Wants its Style Back

It’s been a while since I’ve taken time out of my busy schedule to gripe about something that I personally can live without. And by “a while,” I mean all of “six hours.”

To date I’ve complained about sunglasses at night, skinny jeans, sagging jeans, white socks and sandals and extreme false eyelashes. Today I want to shake a finger at a style I wish would have stayed dead in the late 80s and early 90s. This complaint is dedicated to all of my homies that are stuck in the past and [I guess] all of my homiettes that take testosterone pills, who’ve also happened to steal this style falsity from the likes of Christopher “Kid” Reid and Grace Jones, two people who look just as weird as their haircuts.

Fellas (and ladies if applicable), high tops fades, no matter how hard you try, is not a fad that is running to crawl down any catwalks in this millennium. I don’t know who the hell told you that this style was inching its way back for a second wind, but whoever it was lied to you! I suppose it’s one thing to see grade school kids (even though kids in grades seven and up should know better) trying to get away with this fashion faux pas, but when grown ass men make conscious decisions to turn back the clock and grow crops on the crowns of their heads, that’s bordering a line that boasts, “…a damn shame!”

I’m not going to bother to go into detail about how stupid some of you look. Your hair outlines your stupidity, so there’s just no need for me to waste my breath. But I will warn you and the ten other people on the planet that thinks this haircut is jamming on the one that there are plenty of people aimlessly roaming the city streets, myself not included, that wish your silly high top fades were a kick me sign.

The good news is that you’re not the only idiot thinking you are rocking a new trend.

The bad news is that you’re not the only idiot thinking you are rocking a new trend.

Take heed to my advice. Get a pair of bush whackers and cut that shit off quickly! Trust me. It’s better that this news is coming from me rather than my cougar, Joan Rivers. Your butt will thank me in the end.

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Quote of the Week:  “Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.”

Weather’s Fashion Mix-up

School is in. Summer vacations are out. With the change in the calendar seasons comes a bit of confusion on the fashion front, as well. 

In recent days, weeks and/or months, we’ve seen a saddening trend of

white Socks and Sandals (which is the beginning of an oxymoron of a fashion failure)

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Skinny Jeans for men

(which almost slaps the concept of masculinity in the face)

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Bush Weaves

(hopefully for women ONLY, which also defeats a purpose of covering unkempt natural hair with synthetic tresses)

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Sagging Jeans that shows off skid marks in underwear

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and eye blinding False Eyelashes.

Fashion, as fickle and contagious as it is, no doubt will not fail to disappoint with the onset of a season transition. This fall and winter, we have to look forward to the rising of winter wear confused with the passing of a preceding seasonal trend. That’s right boys and girls. Get your boxing gloves ready to punch the crap out of those folks that will purposely pair flip-flops or shorts with winter coats.

The winter of 2012 will surely bring a basket full of people that simply will not let go of the warm weather, and as a result, will suffer [by choice] from hypothermia and frost bite in vital places of their bodies. 

All I can say is, “Is be careful what you ask for.” Sadly, our society bounces from one extreme to the another. Oh the joys of Americanism.

…and Stupidityism.

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Quote of the Week:  “The difference between style and fashion is quality.”

-Giorgio Armani

New Trend Alert! Shades of Concern: 100% Genuine Interest or Synthetic Nosiness

In this day and age, you never really know who is genuine or not, or as the rowdy kids at almost every bus stop across the nation would say, “real” or “fake.” It wasn’t more than five minutes ago when fake eyelashes, silicone breasts, botox injections, and synthetic hair dominated the world. Only a mere few short seconds later fashion took another turn in the form of faux concern, draping the streets with hues of “How are you?” and “What’s wrong?” instead of red carpets. These trends are adorned by many at every turn made – family functions, office settings, church affairs, and especially neighborly interaction (over the fence sidebar conversations, sugar borrowing, etc.). 

With the strong impact that today’s pop culture has on society, the question rests in the pockets of those that wear the faux pas solicitude. Are the questions of concern made out of 100% genuine interest or manufactured see-through nosiness?  

The Shades of Concern:  

Family Phone Tree:

(GRAY) – Not necessarily black and white

When it comes to family, one may ask “What’s wrong?” or “Is there anything I can do to help?” but one never knows if the answers to the burning questions will swing on the branches of a family phone tree. 

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Seeking Godly Counsel:

(WHITE or RED) – Heaven and/or Hell

When it comes to members of most churches in this era, the only one with the answers to the questions you seek is Jesus. A wise man once said, “Hell is filled with people with good intentions.” 

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Office Personnel Status:

(PINK) – As in pink slip

When your coworkers and colleagues ask you about the details of your personal life, the general concern usually revolves around what kind of leave you’re going to use to get out of work for the day – sick, slick, vacation, comp or non-illness related – and why. Soon after, they do a background check followed by the brightest pink slip you’ve ever seen. Once you’ve been canned, see how many coworkers ask if there’s anything they can do to help. They’ll be more concerned with who gets your swivel chair. 

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Neighborhood Watch:

(BROWN) – Earth tones could be equivalent to “living under a rock” or “getting hit with a rock”

Usually neighbors live their lives through the people that live in the homes next door, and then exploit them to the neighbors that occupy the house(s) across the street. The only time you can trust them is when they pay you to watch their pets. If they ask you what’s wrong, something’s not right. 

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Peer Counseling:

(PLAID) – You never know what color you’ll get so why not throw them all on at the same time

Kids want to show general concern for their peers but they also thrive on gossip. One can’t put too much weight on adolescent behavioral inquiries. Up until the senior year of high school, those inquiries and their effects build character. So does getting jumped on the playground at 3 o’clock. Watch what you say and to whom. 

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Psychiatric Sessions:

(GREEN) – Time is money

If you need some serious advice, it’s always best to go to someone that barely knows you; someone that won’t judge you; or someone that is paid to care. The scariest thing about therapists though is that you never know if they’re crazy, considering they listen to everybody’s problems all day. But they aren’t so crazy that they won’t charge you for listening to you go on and on about all the voices in your head. In fact that’s not crazy at all. That’s smart.

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Like most fashionable trends, it’s sometimes hard to tell the real people from the fake and equally so to differ good intentions from bad. Still, no matter how you squeeze it, like spandex, it doesn’t work for everyone.

Often times ingenuity is just another fat chance.

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Quote of the Week:  “Mistrust the man who finds everything good, the man who finds everything evil and still more the man who is indifferent to everything.”

 

 

 

Fake Eyelashes are a Woman’s Equivalence to Men’s Skinny Jeans

“Excuse me ma’am, there’s a spider crawling on your face. Oh wait, those are  your eyelashes.”  

***

It isn’t uncommon for women to hear this kind of phrase from the majority of the population of men on the planet. Okay, maybe not the entire planet.  More so in cities saturated with pop culture phenomenon.

Overly long – or as I like to call them – FAKE eyelashes are a woman’s version of men’s skinny jeans. And just like skinny jeans and the men that wear them, over animated eyelashes should be set on fire, particularly while still attached to the woman who is wearing them, unless of course it’s Kim Kardashian. She may be a money hog and unable to keep a man for whatever reason but the girl is undeniably beautiful. Even with her faux lashes she can do wrong, except maybe marry a moron for 72 days and expect the general public to believe she didn’t expect a backlash. But hey, I didn’t say she was the brightest apple in the bunch…just the prettiest. Anyway we aren’t here to discuss Kimmy Kakes. Instead we are here to throw stones at women that wish they could gussy up like Mrs. Ms. Mizz Kardashian, sadly and unfortunately to no avail. 

What is it about long eyelashes that push boundaries? It’s not the lashes itself but rather the women that wear them incorrectly (over excessively) and in the most inappropriate places (i.e., work, church, school, laundromat). 

One shouldn’t be surprised to see the lash craze on models, actresses, female musical entertainers or drag queens. If I had to give an opinion I’d say they were perfect for stage play at long distance range. But if one just so happens to not attend a theatre, concert or skim through the pages of a glamour magazine, but instead make a midnight run to a local McDonalds or 24 hour CVS, the shock of eye ropes hanging from the counter clerks’ face could stop the heart like a baby locomotive hitting a deer on a railroad track.  

Today’s modern woman turns the spotlight on her – aiming that spotlight on the spectacle of her eyes. Ladies, especially in the urban community, dive head first overboard when attempting to vamp up the glam. They are seemingly more rich in eye makeup than they are in bank account dividends. Aside from the mascara caked up on the ridiculously long eye strands, women have the audacity to pair the lashes with wigs and weaves. As if having a pair of tarantulas hovering over the eyeballs isn’t enough, the nerve it must take to go the extra mile to throw a shiny tail of zebra on top of the crown. 

I have but one word for you fashion faux pas victims – “STOP!” Leave the lashes to the Kardashians, “please,” and “thank you.” 

Despite what you may think, unless you are posing for Tyra Banks’ America’s Next Top Model or somebody’s Esquire Magazine, just be happy with the natural eye visors God gave you. Men don’t like the extra amenities anyway. In fact we won’t even notice or often times care what you look like until the lights go out. So while you think you’re getting dolled up Barbie style, we’re looking at you more in the likeness of Garbage Pail Kids.  The only exception to this rule is if you have attempted to turn your stove top flame up to a maximum level like the chefs at every corner Chinese carry out and incidentally burned off your eyebrows and lashes. Otherwise you will only continue to look as if your face is being possessed by an alien race of arachnids. And believe me when I tell you it doesn’t take super Spiderman senses to sense something wrong with that look.

Microphone Check 1-2, 1-2

The words, “You’re killing me!” come to mind when confronted face to face, or rather voice to ear, with a self proclaimed singer or not so up and coming wannabe rapper. In retrospect the words, “I wish you’d kill me,” lingers not too far behind. These are the thoughts that most people think when less than talented musicians [for lack of a better word] advertise their B-side vocal skills. 

Some time last year we discussed the “get out of hell free” card when a vocalist slays a song in the church house. Whatever the denomination, an avid church goer is usually more obligated than compelled to go against the teachings of their religion to blatantly lie through their teeth when comparing a singer’s voice to that of an angel, purposely omitting the rest of their empty compliment – “…an angel of death.” But what happens when the vocals shatter through the sanctuary’s stained glass windows and spills over into the secular streets?

What happens is there is no holy book to protect the tone deaf lyricist from hearing the ugly truth about his/her even uglier vociferation. 

Anyone that isn’t bound by a bible Monday through Saturday will easily tell a dying songbird to put a lid on it or stick a sock in it, and that’s putting it mildly assuming those people have enough couth to respect the feelings of the chanteuse’s confidence in his own talent. 

Anyone with no manners or remorse, on the other hand, will tell that same chanteuse to shut the eff up or bind their lips together with super glue, scotch tape or quick drying cement. Rappers, even with all of their street cred are not exempt to the same sticky truth of their low budget emceeing, even if they carry a gun – water or bb. To them, a listening spectator begs to keep whatever they’re rapping about wrapped up tightly and hidden in the back of a closet…or under a closet, which ever is the furthest from public earshot. No matter how you spin it though music is a form of expression, even if that expression is frightfully louder more than permanently deafening.

Today most singers and rappers, whether amateur or “professional,” should stick to singing in the shower where they stand a better chance of drowning or completely flooding their vocal cords. Either that or continue performing in church where they can be lied to without judgment, that is until judgment day of course. Alas, those of us that are wise enough to stand on the external side of a recording studio sound booth aren’t that lucky. We are forced to listen to the fashionably damaged stylings of MC Boom Boom from up the block and around da way, Lady ShouldNever, the coworker on the third floor who swears her first single is going to drop at the end of the month, and of course Aaron Neville.  

To all of those wannabes that will probably never be, I think I can speak on behalf of everyone that is not looking forward to your selling any copies of the catastrophes that come out of your mouth when I say, “Don’t quit your day job,” advised in my best Simon Cowell voice.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 30-November 5, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You have more nerves than Idaho has potatoes, still someone will find your last one and get on it.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your ego wouldn’t be so big if you wore your credit score on your sleeve.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The language of love begins and ends with the word, “bitch.” Use it with well intent and at your own risk.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

This pay period, the amount of dollars in your checking account will be the same as your shoe size.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The first punch doesn’t have to be the last lick.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Beware of a ham dressed in turkey’s clothes.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

To feel your best, spend more time today telling other people what to do.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

There’s no better day than today to try a bacon-wrapped chocolate donut.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A drunk wino with skin of wrinkled leather will flash you at the bus stop. Oddly, you may enjoy it.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today you are overly cheerful and peppy. You are the morning person someone wants to pour hot coffee all over. Watch your back.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone new is going to steal your thunder. Bribe everyone you know to stay on your side.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Luck would have you to get stuck in an elevator with the president, vice president and secretary of the Deodorant is for Wimps Foundation.

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Quote of the week:    “’Give a man a match and he’ll be warm for a minute. Set him on fire and he’ll probably burn to death.’ This proverb is perhaps the exception to the rule that beggars can’t be choosers.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 23-29, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The definition of a good psychiatrist is a bartender that pours without a spout.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Something special will happen in the next 48 hours if you go to the nearest Dunkin Donuts and lick all the sugar off the powdered donuts.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are going to regret burning a bridge when your ass is being chased by a pack of dogs.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your next secret admirer will be an ex-con who went to jail for burning down a diner in Arkansas because his eggs were too runny.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Be careful of the ditch you dig for someone else. That very ditch may have your name written all over it.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Instead of finding a $1 bill on the ground, good luck will have you find a small bottle of butt spray. What you do with it is up to you.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

An absent minded man should keep a hanger in the back seat just in case he locks his keys in the car.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

For the next 12 hours spell everything you have to say letter by letter.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It doesn’t make sense to bring sand to the beach.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Start each conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be the last time, I dunno.”

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

That little guy that turns your refrigerator light on and off is about to quit.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

What’s the difference between a cheapskate and you?  One of you eats Cornflakes with a fork.

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Quote of the week:   “When listing the toppings you want on your next pizza, include another pizza.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 16-22, 2011

Some people have problems they never address and are just as screwed up as everyone else.  Luckily for them I take time to invest real talk for real people. 

~ Love, Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The problem is wherever you go, there you are. Sometimes you need to get away from yourself.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Just because you’re in the house doesn’t mean you’re home.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The older you get, the better you get…unless you’re a banana.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The greatest room in the world is the room for improvement.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You know it’s been a long night when the bags under your eyes hang low enough for your entire head to fall in. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Hell is full of people with good intentions.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

On any morning that ends in the letter “y,” the only thing that stands between you and a federal charge is a cup of coffee.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A stopped clock is right twice a day.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If someone had to describe you in five words or less, those words would be, “The sheep that cried wolf.”

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you’ve made it again.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If looks could kill…well, never mind. 

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Quote of the week:  “If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.”