Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 26-October 2, 2010

If there’s one thing you should know it’s in what direction your luck may go.  Whether left or right or right or wrong, in stinky bloomers or uncomfortable thongs.  The week begins with a fall of rain and all weekend fun is now down the drain.  You may be surprised at what comes your way but with a little help you can play it safe.  If you remember one thing and nothing else, never forget that Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

No amount of heat will be enough to get the wrinkles out of any of your shirts.  Carry a paper cup for spare change, you bum. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For seven days, you will either be profusely sweaty or profusely gassy. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You might be in control over your own destiny, but you have no control over a shady bitch named Karma. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Carrying a rabbit’s foot may be lucky for you as long as you don’t pay attention to the fact that you’re carrying the luck of that poor dead legless bunny. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will stutter and spit every time a pigeon flaps its wings.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

People will only understand you if you speak in “baby talk.”  Babies will just look at you like you’re stupid.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Bathing in boiled potato water just may change the outcome of your day.  The question remains, “For better or for worse?”

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A great hooker once said, “You have to give in order to get.” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Having multiple personalities will come in handy when you drive in the HOV lane during rush hour. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

By complete accident, you will ask one too many questions and receive a priceless punch in the lower lip area. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

One of your greatest strengths is being the only one not invited to any parties. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If someone tells you you’re the spitting image of Tevin Campbell, they’re not complimenting you. 

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Quote of the Week:   “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

20 Reasons & Ways to Kick Morning’s Ass

Morning should be really lucky that it’s not a human being, because if it was, there is no doubt that it would get its ass kicked regularly!  Oh Morning, how you are unloved by many, especially by me! 

For some, morning is a dawn of a new day and hope for a fresh start.  However to others, myself included, it’s a big old bully who likes to play mean jokes.  Well I’ve come to tell you Morning, the jokes on you!  I’m going to give you the top 20 reasons why I would kick your ass and 20 ways how I’d do it.

Dear Morning, if you were a person:

(1) I would sumo-wrestle you to the ground for waking me up at the crack of dawn.  _________________________________________________________

(2) I would karate chop you in the back of your neck for biting me with a cold chill as soon as I open my eyes to the first ray of light.  _________________________________________________________

(3) I would throw bleached water balloons at you for making me wake up from the best dream ever to change dirty diapers.  Trust me, waking up to sh*t is never a good thing.  _________________________________________________________

(4) I would force feed you salty toe jam for inviting construction workers to jack hammer the pavement right in front of my bedroom window.  _________________________________________________________

(5) I would scotch tape your wrists and ankles together for reminding all my bill collectors that I haven’t paid my overdue balances. _________________________________________________________

(6) I would clobber you with a bag full of nickels for sending Jehovah’s Witnesses to my door before I’ve wiped the crud out of my eyes.  _________________________________________________________

(7) I would pinch you with crab claws for hiding my keys just as I’m rushing out the door.  _________________________________________________________

(8) I would punch you in the face for dragging me into the heart of rush hour traffic.

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(9) I would run over your toes with a tricycle for inviting the guy in the suit & bowtie to come over and sell me bean pies and incense.  _________________________________________________________

(10) I would horse whip you with Shaniqua’s bad weave for telling the homeless lady that I have spare change. 

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(11) I would clip you up with clown shoes for supporting McDonald’s decision to stop serving pancakes after a certain time. 

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(12) I would stick you with push pins for cooling off my waffles before the steam finishes rising from my chicken wings.

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(13) I would slap you like a two-bit hoe for signaling the lady with the bad breath to come over and talk to me.  _________________________________________________________

(14) I would violently blame you for Starbucks running out of espresso shots.

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(15) I would kick you in the shin with steel-toed boots for convincing the school crossing guard to take her job way too seriously.  Now she’s stopping traffic and giving out tickets like a traffic cop.

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(16) I would put freshly chewed gum in your hair for being just as rowdy as those bad ass kids on the metro bus.

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(17) I would cannon-ball dive on your forehead for hiding all the coffee in the cafeteria.

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(18) I would put you in a headlock for advising my supervisor to call an 8am staff meeting. 

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(19) I would ram you in the stomach like a raging bull for drinking all the water from the water cooler just as soon as my mouth feels like I’ve swallowed a bag full of cotton.

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(20) I would douse you with llama spit for directing the senior choir to sing off pitch during the entire church service. 

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I’m sure, Morning, if I had a little more time to sleep on it without you interrupting me, I could think of 20 more reasons to kick your ass.  But if you aren’t scared by now, then you are a bad mamma jamma!  At any rate, I need to put my head on my desk so I can steal a moment away from Afternoon.  Afternoon is my friend, unlike you. 

Before I go I’ll leave you with this: I better not catch your ass out on the street.  If I do, you’d better run in the opposite direction.  I have no doubt that I would pummel you.  All it takes is a little creativity and  effort.  And I’m smart enough to know that 90% of any effort is getting started! 

So Morning, now that night is creeping upon us, I would strongly advise you to sleep with one eye open. 

 

Quote of the week:   “I may be drunk now but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

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