PSA: How to Appropriately Dispose of Someone’s Bad Cooking

Bad CookRaise your hand if you’ve ever gone over to someone’s house where they offered you some of their horrific cooking. What was your response? Did you lie and tell them it was good? Did you not exactly lie and tell them it was like nothing you’ve ever tasted before? Did you stick your finger down your throat until you threw up all over the plate to return the food to them? Did your taste buds start popping off one bud at a time? Did your tongue and throat swell until your head imploded? Did you think I was ever going to stop asking you questions?

Bad Cook_2The truth is we’ve all experienced the best of someone’s worst cooking, whether it was mom, dad, granny, a sister, brother, lover, spouse, neighbor, church affiliate, coworker or cafeteria crewman. The real question is how to deal with it. If you’re like me, you’d rather point a loaded B.B. gun at your head and hope the impact of the pellet kills you rather than tell someone they should make a living out of ordering take-out. Well then again, I’m lying. That isn’t me. I would tell a bad cook the truth – that since they can’t cook, they shouldn’t be allowed to eat. Some would argue my candidness is a little drastic – even dramatic – while others would/could/does appreciate my honesty. Those people that would/could/does appreciate my honesty are all cool. Everybody else are wanna-be’s with slouchy socks but that’s a different story.

The next time you go to someone’s house to sample their inedible cuisine, after you’ve apprehensively inhaled the food (preferably without chewing), the appropriate thing to do is smile as they watch you put it in your mouth, and when they aren’t looking, quickly spit the food into a napkin and hide the evidence around their house in places like an unsealed package of a loaf of bread, a toaster or microwave, inside their medicine cabinet, a fish tank, a sock drawer, or an air and heating vent.

Bad Dinner PartyBy the time they realize what it is they’re seeing or smelling, you’ll be long gone and there’d be no way they can pin the shenanigan on you! By that time you will have purchased yourself enough time to warn everyone that you know (anonymously of course) to never never ever eat at that person’s house unless they know for sure that whatever meal they serve has been purchased from a frozen food section of any grocery store or fast food joint that deep fries their chicken wings inside a microwave oven.

This public service announcement has been brought to by the makers of HottywoodHelps.com. 

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Quote of the Week:  “Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend.”

Foods Not to Eat On a First Date

Greedy PigHave you ever gone out to eat with someone that had no table manners? Is it more annoying to you or more embarrassing? Chances are if you’re eating out in public with someone you know that hasn’t been trained in the art of table etiquette, you’ll forgive and forget (although you might sneak a snapshot of them and post it on Facebook) …hey no one said you’re perfect. But let’s say that person isn’t your friend. Instead they are someone you are going out on a date with. Better yet – a first date. Can you name some foods that would be considered inappropriate to eat? Remember, when considering the list of items image is everything!

In case you are having a brain freeze from the consumption of too many ice cream cones, I am more than happy to advise you on what you shouldn’t eat on a first date. After all, Hottywood Helps!

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It’s never attractive to eat spaghetti on a first date.

Spaghetti

It’s messy. You also look a little silly trying to find the end of the spaghetti string as it continuously wraps around your fork. If you just so happen to have a dirty mind, the spaghetti sauce can easily remind you of something else but you didn’t hear it from me.

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Hamburgers aren’t very sexy to eat.

Eating Hamburger

It’s very common that people who eat hamburgers almost never eat them with a fork and knife. That’s just stupid. If you have no fork or knife you are left with only two things (well three depending on how you look at it). 1) A spoon, which makes no sense, and 2/3) your hands, which makes you look barbaric and greedy.

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Eating Corn on the Cob

Corn on the cob isn’t the most sexiest choice on the menu.

The corn easily gets stuck between your teeth, not to mention in your beard.

Tell the truth, can you imagine how very unpretty it would look to see corn bits stuck in a woman’s beard?

It’s definitely not anything you’d run home to call your friends and brag about. Not unless you start off the phone conversation with, “You won’t believe this shit, but I have pictures to prove it!” 

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I’d probably advise against eating Chinese food on a first date.

Eating Rats_Chinese Food

Not that I don’t love Chinese food because I do! It’s just that you never know what you’re eating and the last thing you’d want to do is upchuck in the middle of a restaurant.

It’s the number one way to ensure you won’t get lucky later that night.

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It’s NEVER good to eat anyone’s butt that wears underwear that reads “I Love to Fart.”

First date or not, it could prove to be a shitty mess and that’s a major turn off. 

Butt

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Eating fire, wood or babies is usually frowned upon. If you eat any of these on your first date it will no doubt double as your last.

FIRE WOOD BABIES

I don’t think you really need a why for these choices but if you do, it’s inhuman, unsanitary and a little creepy. It also has to be bad for your teeth, breath and reputation.

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The number one food to eat when you go out on a date is ALCOHOL!

One Drink Too Many

By the time you’re finished drinking your dinner, you’ll be too drunk to give a shit about what you or your date looks like with or without food.

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Quote of the Week:  “You didn’t fight your way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.”