A Letter to the Lunch Lady

The last time I ranted about a fellow coworker, the rant was in regard to Mrs. Cafeteria Lady for being lazy and trifling. Sadly, today’s rant is still directed to her, this time for proving herself to be a big fat liar.

Dear Mrs. Cafeteria Lady,

Remember that time when you said you were going to add pancakes to the breakfast menu? I believe it was mid 2010 when you told me that bold face lie. I am convinced you had no intention of adding anything to the menu because you [probably] felt that since I’m not the only hungry ninja in the dojo, the warrant for pancakes would cause you to sweat over a hot stove even earlier than normal, making more work for you and probably resulting in your armpits stinking from the heat that rises from the stove top. It’s always about you, isn’t it?

I don’t really know your kitchen routine, nor do I care as long as I’m fed sufficiently and bountifully, but for the record your refusal to heed my call for hotcakes is a little selfish if you ask me. If you knew then that you weren’t going to consider my request for a new fluffy delicious menu item, you could have simply told me instead of blatantly lying to my face. I wouldn’t have liked it. I probably would have badmouthed you to every living person on the planet, but I would have appreciated your honesty. Just so you know no one likes a liar – especially my stomach!

Instead of going off on a tangent and threatening to burn your kitchen crocs and hair nets, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to give you approximately seven days to run out and buy a box of Bisquick pancake mix and make some heavenly magic happen or else all hell will break loose. Those little men that constantly clog-dance inside my stomach and causes my tummy to rumble hungrily will be released to wreak havoc on your Toyota Corolla. If you don’t believe me, let me come to work next week with a bottle of syrup and not have anything to pour it on.

Again, I’m not threatening you. I’m making a promise.

Love Always,

A Hungry Hottywood

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RELATED:  Dear Mrs. Cafeteria Lady, “Watch Your Back!”

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Quote of the Week:  “When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they are probably thinking about lunch.”

Fast Food Restaurants: Shape Up or Get Burned Down

There are two things that I’m afraid of – snakes and the people who take my order in any fast food drive-thru; not necessarily in that order. 
 
I don’t know if it’s just me, but it seems that every person who stands in that window has some sort of a noticeable defect.  Either their lips are chapped, their hair is unkempt or they have the personality of a hooded cobra.  
 
These window workers are bringing down the face value of their fine bleach-scented establishments.  They are causing us hard working, grease lovers to resort to – dare I say – dieting!  We are resorting to bringing our own lunches to work because there is no longer any appreciation for all of us paying customers and the service we expect.  We do not pay to hear teeth sucking, employee rants and the events of last evening.  We do not pay for eye rolling, bad armpit odor or smart ass comments.  We are paying for good food, good service and part of the mean ass employees’ paycheck. 
 
There is something to be said for good manners, even as the rules of social behavior apply to a drive-thru.  For example, what’s with the chick in the drive-thru window with the attitude problem?  You know who I’m talking about – the girl who chews her gum like a cow or barely gives you any eye contact.   The girl who gets offended because she can’t hear her cell phone conversation through her Bluetooth because you’re too busy trying to place an order.  Heaven forbid you change your order or check your bag to make sure everything’s accurate. 
 
Attention fast food manager: this girl and anyone like her should be fired!   She is the reason why most Americans find working in a fast food chain so revolting and demoralizing.   She epitomizes the paid non-worker, the underachiever, the trailer park prom queen and the home girl with the oversized gold-plated earrings.   This is the girl to beware of.   She is the one who will give you a sudden urge to raise your voice or drag her through the window by her dull, worn-out hair weave, all because she missed that very important class on good customer service.  
 
I say it’s time for fast food chains of the world to revert back to the olden days when drive-thrus were respected for their chic and hip idea of good quality service.   Customers now-a-days would appreciate a little service with a smile as they face an economic crisis, heavy workloads and supervisors who really need to get laid.   Bring back the days when Ronald McDonald strolled the grounds of McDonald’s waving happily at children while wearing his signature floppy red shoes and that ridiculously hideous yellow onesy.   Get rid of that scary ass Burger King mascot who looks more like the puppet from the horror film “Saw” and give us an image that will not haunt us after we’ve closed our eyes for the night.   

We, paying customers of the world, refuse to lie down and accept that you’ve run out of French fries or that your milkshake machine is out of order.   We will no longer accept the incompetence of trainees during the lunch rush.   You have somehow managed to crap all over the integrity of the fast food franchise that began way back as early as the 1930’s.  Our voices will be heard!  
 
So guys and gals, the next time your neighborhood fast food window teller crosses your muddy path with spiked heels, don’t yell at her.   Don’t curse at her.   Don’t even argue with her.   This way you’ll have a bit of assurance that she won’t spit in your food or wipe your hamburger patty on the side of the deep fryer.   Instead, take your car and drive it through the window.  If that doesn’t work, throw up the deuce sign and drive off.  No no no…of course I wouldn’t advise that you let it go that easily.  Make sure you return after-hours, when the business has closed for the night and burn that sucker to the ground!  Lighters are sold at the $1 Store and comes in a pack of five.  
 
I hope something that I’ve said has sparked you to stand up for your right to demand extra fries when a disgruntled fast food employee gives you a hard time for being more successful than they are.   Someone else’s ignorance should not be your hindrance.   If you don’t get those extra fries, crawl across the counter and go get them yourself!   
 
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Quote of the week:    “The journey of a thousand pounds begins with a single burger.”


 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 30-November 5, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You have more nerves than Idaho has potatoes, still someone will find your last one and get on it.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your ego wouldn’t be so big if you wore your credit score on your sleeve.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The language of love begins and ends with the word, “bitch.” Use it with well intent and at your own risk.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

This pay period, the amount of dollars in your checking account will be the same as your shoe size.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The first punch doesn’t have to be the last lick.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Beware of a ham dressed in turkey’s clothes.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

To feel your best, spend more time today telling other people what to do.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

There’s no better day than today to try a bacon-wrapped chocolate donut.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A drunk wino with skin of wrinkled leather will flash you at the bus stop. Oddly, you may enjoy it.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today you are overly cheerful and peppy. You are the morning person someone wants to pour hot coffee all over. Watch your back.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone new is going to steal your thunder. Bribe everyone you know to stay on your side.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Luck would have you to get stuck in an elevator with the president, vice president and secretary of the Deodorant is for Wimps Foundation.

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Quote of the week:    “’Give a man a match and he’ll be warm for a minute. Set him on fire and he’ll probably burn to death.’ This proverb is perhaps the exception to the rule that beggars can’t be choosers.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 23-29, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The definition of a good psychiatrist is a bartender that pours without a spout.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Something special will happen in the next 48 hours if you go to the nearest Dunkin Donuts and lick all the sugar off the powdered donuts.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are going to regret burning a bridge when your ass is being chased by a pack of dogs.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your next secret admirer will be an ex-con who went to jail for burning down a diner in Arkansas because his eggs were too runny.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Be careful of the ditch you dig for someone else. That very ditch may have your name written all over it.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Instead of finding a $1 bill on the ground, good luck will have you find a small bottle of butt spray. What you do with it is up to you.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

An absent minded man should keep a hanger in the back seat just in case he locks his keys in the car.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

For the next 12 hours spell everything you have to say letter by letter.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It doesn’t make sense to bring sand to the beach.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Start each conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be the last time, I dunno.”

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

That little guy that turns your refrigerator light on and off is about to quit.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

What’s the difference between a cheapskate and you?  One of you eats Cornflakes with a fork.

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Quote of the week:   “When listing the toppings you want on your next pizza, include another pizza.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 16-22, 2011

Some people have problems they never address and are just as screwed up as everyone else.  Luckily for them I take time to invest real talk for real people. 

~ Love, Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The problem is wherever you go, there you are. Sometimes you need to get away from yourself.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Just because you’re in the house doesn’t mean you’re home.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The older you get, the better you get…unless you’re a banana.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The greatest room in the world is the room for improvement.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You know it’s been a long night when the bags under your eyes hang low enough for your entire head to fall in. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Hell is full of people with good intentions.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

On any morning that ends in the letter “y,” the only thing that stands between you and a federal charge is a cup of coffee.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A stopped clock is right twice a day.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If someone had to describe you in five words or less, those words would be, “The sheep that cried wolf.”

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you’ve made it again.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If looks could kill…well, never mind. 

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Quote of the week:  “If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.”

This Week’s Top Three Pet Peeves That Really Pisses People Off

Kats & Kittens, it’s time for a review of this week’s top three pet peeves.  

Over the course of the last few months, we’ve discussed everything from bad fashions to people that frustratingly monopolizes conversations with uninteresting chatter.  Today we will pin-point three of the most annoying crap on the face of the planet (this week).  In all honesty, there’s so many things that people do to annoy the hell of their neighbor that it’s kind of hard to narrow down the list to only three.  But if there’s anything that I’m not, it’s a quitter!  So sit back, grab a fattening soft drink and see if you agree with this week’s top three most annoying annoyances.  

Cheap people… 

The list begins with all those cheap asses who insist on putting a price tag on absolutely any and everything.  The first question that immediately comes to mind when running into these cheapskates is, “What the hell?”  Obviously, no one ever bothered to warn these folks that cheap people don’t get invited to parties, mainly because whoever invites them knows they are going to show up empty-handed and will most likely, no doubt, leave with a doggy bag.  They don’t have very many friends because everyone knows a cheap person is too tight on a dollar, so hanging out will likely be reduced to free fun, like the zoo, which of course is the last place a person wants to go when it’s five degrees outside or raining hard enough to mimic a baby tsunami.  The same theory applies to the dating game.  A cheap person will take you to the lowest starred restaurant on the map, or will buy you the most useless and inexpensive presents during the holidays or any other special occasion if, of course, they muster up enough change to buy you anything at all.  

“A house of delusion is cheap to build but drafty to live in.”

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 Rude drivers… 

Pulling up the rear to cheap-ass people are drivers that have no consideration for other drivers…and no, we aren’t referring specifically to cab drivers.  Though they are probably THE worst drivers in the world (next to Washington DC subway train conductors), everyone expects them to be lousy drivers.  Instead we are talking about folks who aren’t exactly smart enough to be paid for their bad driving.  For example, aggressive drivers who cross lanes without using a turn signal; or drivers who refuse to let you cross lanes even though your turn signal has been on since you started your car in your home drive-way; or drivers that drive about 90mph just before coming to a sudden stop for a speed bump; or drivers that pick their nose while looking inside their nostrils in the rear-view mirror instead of focusing on the family of ducks crossing the street; or drivers who drive slower than my Aunt Edna’s bowel movements; or drivers that practice profane road rage just before Sunday worship service; or drivers that blast their music so loud they can’t hear the horns blowing behind them or the people screaming for their lives in front of them; or new drivers; or even worse – old drivers.  You all drive me crazy!    

“Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.” 

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 People that live in the past…

Rounding out the list of this week’s top three pet peeves are people that live in the past.  I’m talking about people that have lusted after, fantasized about, pined over, stalked, and/or harped about the person you were years prior to the person you are today.  People that are in love with a memory of someone they once knew versus falling in love with the new person you have become.  Those people that want you to entertain their life long fantasies about what could have been or what once was instead of the reality of what is now.  Those folks must have left their brains in the past if they think that nothing has changed since the passing of about a hundred million full moons.  

Now that I think about it though, I guess it wouldn’t be fair to limit this peeve to only those folks who are hallucinogenic about their feelings and emotions.  We could, should and will apply this one to those persons who refuse to let go of past grudges about some off the wall, unimportant crap that nobody no longer cares about.  

“There’s no future in living in the past.” 

 

 

 

 

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 9-14, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Grape soda is not considered a sexy body fragrance. It should be, but sadly it’s not.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You are multi-talented enough to talk and piss people off at the same time.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Are you good looking from afar or far from good looking?

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your handle on life is like the handle of a cheap handbag.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You don’t lack in the power of speech. You lack in the power of conversation.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way. Wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You won’t find a man alive who has ever complained about a faulty parachute.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

There are three people that live in this world: People who make things happen, people who watch things happen and people who ask what happened.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

“Always” and “never” are two words you should always remember never to use.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A sharp tongue can kill without a knife.

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Quote of the week:   “It takes one day to destroy that which took one hundred years to build.”