Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 2-8, 2011

This week your underwear may have less holes in them and you might be asked out on a date to end your dry spell.  However, you won’t know for sure until you’ve had your fortune told by the one and only Hottywood! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If crap was money, you’d be rich! You’re going to be full of two things this week: Sh*t and drama.  It’s time to suit up, champ…it’s going to be a tough week. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to have Athlete’s Foot in your left armpit.  The worst part is you’re going to spend the rest of the week trying to figure out how the hell this is possible. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Your farts will take on a personality of their own, much like Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

All of your breakfasts will taste like strained corn chips.  Try washing your mouth out with soap or brushing your teeth for a change.   

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You have something special to smile about; your deodorant hasn’t given out on you – yet.  Things are looking up.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The only answer you can muster up to anyone’s question is, “Because I said so, biatch.” Watch your back. Someone’s going to whoop your ass.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

A blessing is headed your way in the shape of an onion loaf or possum poop. It’s going to be a good week, though a little funky.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Looking at yourself in the mirror will make you realize just how allergic you are to stupid ass people.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

It’s time to take on the personality of someone else because no one likes who you really are right now. Either stop or start being an asshole. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If anyone asks you what that thing is on your lip, just tell them you were stung by a mutant bumble bee. Your secret’s safe with me. o_~

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

I would only order shrimp when eating out, if I were you.  Any other kind of meat may not be exactly what you expect it to be.  However, the food poisoning could equal some days out of work.

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Life would be so different if you’d have only made the right decision when you had the chance. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…”

 

Which is More Stupid: Ugg Boots or Flip Flops???

Despite the fact that Uggs and their many knockoff incarnations have long been considered a “fashion don’t” (unfortunately, unless you live in my neck of the woods), lots of women [and sadly some poorly fashioned men] love and continue to wear the suede and sheepskin catastrophes.  The good news, for those of you who are offended by the tragic site of these hideously ugly boots is, winter is leaving with a fond farewell and is opening the doors for spring and summer, taking with it, this suede fashion blunder.  Along with the change of seasons however, come the dreaded flip-flops.  But before we go into the misfortune of the flip flop, let’s discuss why you should be thanking your lucky stars that the style of the Ugg boot is finally melting away with the madness of winter.

We’ve already established that Ugg boots are nothing but the work of the devil, though devilishly warm.  Although they are soft and comfortable, they are not necessarily good for the feet.  In fact, experts say that they are doing more damage to the feet than anyone realizes.  With each step an Ugg-boot-wearing-idiot takes, the force falls towards the inside of the foot and the feet splay.  This flattens the arch and makes it drop.  The result can lead to significant problems with the foot, the ankle, and ultimately, the hip.

** And we thought having corns was bad? **

Whether you spend the suggested retail price of $140 for the real thing or $24.99 for the cheap imitation, those damn igloo shoes don’t provide any more comfort than a pair of shoes made out of plastic shopping bags.  The bottom line here folks is that these shoes are both ugly AND dangerous.  And on top of flattening your foot, they make your feet stink.

What would you rather have – smelly feet or very visible ashy corns?  Ladies and gentlemen, enter most hesitantly, “the flips flop.”

Flip flops, also known as thongs, pluggers, or jandals, are an open type of footwear consisting of a flat sole held loosely on the foot by a Y-shaped strap, like a thin thong, that passes between the first and second toes and around either side of the foot. Unlike sandals and very much like Ugg boots, flip-flops lack in proper support for the foot.  But forget about support! Who the hell wants to see ½ painted toenails, fungus underneath the baby toe or hard, crusty ash on the heels of people darker than an African’s pubic hair?  Not I!  If you leave it up to me, people would have hovercrafts for feet and no one would have to be forced to hold in the gag reflex of seeing extra long toenails scraping the pavement.  In the wise words of someone who was smart enough to know that showing unmanicured feet is ridiculously cruel and unusual punishment, “Gimme a break!”

So you see folks, whether you want to accept it or not, both Uggs and flip flops are eye sores, environmentally unsafe and detrimental to the proper treatment of animals.  They are just plain wrong!  And if you are caught on the street wearing either item, you should run for your life in guilt and shame.  That’ll take no effort at all.  Just picture an army of angry villagers chasing you with burning torches and nooses.  Be careful though, while you are running for your life.  You can’t get very far with no support for your ankles.  Once those villagers catch you, you’ll know exactly what those poor sheep must’ve gone through for the sake of your tacky style.

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:    “The difference between style and fashion is quality.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 24-30, 2010

So this week, your underwear have less holes in them and you may be asked out on a date to end your dry spell.  However, you won’t know for sure until you’ve had your fortune told by the one and only Hottywood! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If crap was money, you’d be rich! You’re going to be full of two things this week: Sh*t and drama.  It’s time to suit up, champ…it’s going to be a tough week. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to have Athlete’s Foot in your left armpit.  The worst part is you’re going to spend the rest of the week trying to figure out how the hell this is possible. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Your farts will take on a personality of their own, much like Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

All of your breakfasts will taste like strained corn chips.  Try washing your mouth out with soap or brushing your teeth for a change.   

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You have something special to smile about; your deodorant hasn’t given out on you – yet.  Things are looking up.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The only answer you can muster up to anyone’s question is, “Because I said so, biatch.” Watch your back. Someone’s going to whoop your ass.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

A blessing is headed your way in the shape of an onion loaf or possum poop. It’s going to be a good week, though a little funky.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Looking at yourself in the mirror will make you realize just how allergic you are to stupid ass people.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

It’s time to take on the personality of someone else because no one likes who you really are right now. Either stop or start being an asshole. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If anyone asks you what that thing is on your lip, just tell them you were stung by a mutant bumble bee. Your secret’s safe with me. o_~

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

I would only order shrimp when eating out, if I were you.  Any other kind of meat may not be exactly what you expect it to be.  However, the food poisoning could equal some days out of work.

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Life would be so different if you’d have only made the right decision when you had the chance. 

___________________________________________________________

 

Quote of the Week:   “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…”