Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 14-20, 2010

We’ve come yet to another new week where people will deceive and lie before they speak.  An old routine that’s always played the same.  Yup, you guessed it; “Bullsh*t” is the name of the game! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Speak with a pirate accent the next time you make love during the middle of the week.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This is a good week to indulge in a little cultural music.  It may help to drown out some of those voices in your head. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Dust off those tap shoes. Tonight you’re going to be dancing around the truth.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you’re angry without enthusiasm, that’s called “Depression.”  It’s probably because all of your socks have holes in the heels. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

This week, a psychic lover will break up with you before you even have a chance to meet them. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Your armpits are an unexplored musical instrument, especially if you can play a score of any major show tune without missing a beat.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You are likely to come up with a clever solution while sitting on a porcelain throne at high noon after eating a bag of greasy salt & vinegar potato chips and sandwich pickles. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The enemy of your enemy is your friend and should not be trusted any more than you should be if left alone in a room with a box full of donuts. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Today, you must take charge of a situation; but nothing will be accomplished without a 2×4 plank, some scotch tape and a dull butter knife.  Imagination is everything. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

When the moon crosses paths with Jupiter, you will appear more charming than you actually are.  This will be a perfect time to meet a soul mate who has just established a career as a professional parrot feeder.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

If you think you hate your job, be glad you aren’t a roll of toilet paper.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Squeeze a coworker’s nipple in an elevator.  Follow that whole “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” rule.  It will also make an impression if you actually call them a cow. Remember to bob and weave! 

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Quote of the Week:   “You can’t walk on eggshells if you have bad feet.” 

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 7-13, 2010

The weekend has passed and Monday is here.  Good luck has left and bad luck is near.  There’s no need to worry about crappy lost hope.  Not when you have Hottywood’s HORRORscopes! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Make a wall of fame for your favorite underwear and look forward to a lot more date nights.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You may develop boils on your butt cheeks that may make it difficult to sit on a load of bullsh*t.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

If your armpits smell like French onion dip, jump off a bridge at high noon tomorrow.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If someone tells you how beautiful you look today, check your mirror for bugars as today is statistically proven to be a day for massive lies.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your best ideas are the ones everyone around you has ignored.  Pout now; gloat later.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The more you talk the more gas a buffalo passes.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

No one will remember your name until a toilet flushes.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Sweating scent-free hot chocolate is a key factor that your ass needs a damn bath.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Peeing with the door open will bring u good luck unless you’re a prison inmate.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Read the warning label on your next relationship. The side effects may keep you from having to operate heavy machinery while high.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The way things look now aren’t the way things looked then.  And the way things look now may not be the way things will look soon because sometimes things don’t always look like what they look like. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You are stubborn and bullheaded and give the worst advice unless you’re telling someone to shut the hell up.  You also fart the loudest out of a crowd of baked bean eaters.

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Quote of the Week:   “Liars begin by imposing upon others and end with deceiving only themselves.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 15-21, 2010

If there’s one thing that you should always remember, it’s that “sh*t happens.”

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Don’t put all your energy into finding someone to love you if you haven’t mastered the art of loving yourself first. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

When one door closes, there’s always a brick to open a window.  …unless you’re a stalker — then this probably wouldn’t be a good idea.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Stop apologizing for not being who people want you to be and don’t be ashamed for not being who you should be.  More people than you think don’t care either way. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Taking on the mentality that you’re everyone’s type only labels you as a garden tool. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your pissy attitude will come back to haunt you the next time you have a one-night-stand with a farty old brillo pad wearing a bad hair piece. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Difficulties at work will cause you to punch a hole in a wall.  Ironically, talking to an irritating coworker will be like talking to a brick wall.  See where this is headed?

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

It’s time to act like the arrogant asshole everyone thinks you are.  If people are going to perceive you as something you’re not, you might as well give them what they want and have fun doing it. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

People will know you’re lying about your age by the number of rings around your stomach. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

When all else fails, bunjee jumping with a string of yarn is the next best thing.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Cursing is the best way to get your point across.  That, and a sharp wooden stick. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The only thing stronger than a mother’s love is onion breath. ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

By the time you finish reading this HORRORscope, a blond-haired smurf will be knocked up and not know who the father is. 

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Quote of the Week:   “An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.”

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 24-30, 2011

Fate, Karma and Destiny are three evil bitches that pride themselves on reveling in the bliss of your displaced luck.  However, you can’t appreciate anything good if you haven’t experience anything bad.  It’s life; survival of the fittest. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

It’s possible that the stench of your socks may burn through the soles of your shoes.  Try taping buckets of bleach around your ankles. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Balance your stress level by counting the number of times you can say the word, “F*ck,” in one day. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

It may be time to change your underwear if they have fur growing on them. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

No other word can better explain your personal opinion better than the word, “…uh.”

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

There is one thing that everyone hates about you.  Everything

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Seek refuge and know that being hit with rotten tomatoes is considered a form of respect in a small village not very far away from Disney Land.   

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Beware of an angry mob that’s low on self esteem and high off caffeine.  It never ends well. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Reading the comic section of the newspaper is not expanding your literary culture, you yutz. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

There are two things in life you should practice: Patience and not hitting the toilet seat when you pee. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Everything you eat will taste like envelope glue.  This is probably not a good week for late night booty calls. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You need some attention and adventure in your life.  Go to your local airport and sniff people’s bags like a basset hound.  After which scream, “Bomb!”  You’ll be guaranteed at least 15 minutes of fame before being hauled off to the slammer, where you’ll probably get more attention that you bargained for. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

It’s time to start paying more attention to your dandruff.  There may be a problem lurking around the unscratched surface of your dry scalp which could explain your recent dry spell in the dating world.    

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Quote of the Week:     “Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”

Which is More Stupid: Ugg Boots or Flip Flops???

Despite the fact that Uggs and their many knockoff incarnations have long been considered a “fashion don’t” (unfortunately, unless you live in my neck of the woods), lots of women [and sadly some poorly fashioned men] love and continue to wear the suede and sheepskin catastrophes.  The good news, for those of you who are offended by the tragic site of these hideously ugly boots is, winter is leaving with a fond farewell and is opening the doors for spring and summer, taking with it, this suede fashion blunder.  Along with the change of seasons however, come the dreaded flip-flops.  But before we go into the misfortune of the flip flop, let’s discuss why you should be thanking your lucky stars that the style of the Ugg boot is finally melting away with the madness of winter.

We’ve already established that Ugg boots are nothing but the work of the devil, though devilishly warm.  Although they are soft and comfortable, they are not necessarily good for the feet.  In fact, experts say that they are doing more damage to the feet than anyone realizes.  With each step an Ugg-boot-wearing-idiot takes, the force falls towards the inside of the foot and the feet splay.  This flattens the arch and makes it drop.  The result can lead to significant problems with the foot, the ankle, and ultimately, the hip.

** And we thought having corns was bad? **

Whether you spend the suggested retail price of $140 for the real thing or $24.99 for the cheap imitation, those damn igloo shoes don’t provide any more comfort than a pair of shoes made out of plastic shopping bags.  The bottom line here folks is that these shoes are both ugly AND dangerous.  And on top of flattening your foot, they make your feet stink.

What would you rather have – smelly feet or very visible ashy corns?  Ladies and gentlemen, enter most hesitantly, “the flips flop.”

Flip flops, also known as thongs, pluggers, or jandals, are an open type of footwear consisting of a flat sole held loosely on the foot by a Y-shaped strap, like a thin thong, that passes between the first and second toes and around either side of the foot. Unlike sandals and very much like Ugg boots, flip-flops lack in proper support for the foot.  But forget about support! Who the hell wants to see ½ painted toenails, fungus underneath the baby toe or hard, crusty ash on the heels of people darker than an African’s pubic hair?  Not I!  If you leave it up to me, people would have hovercrafts for feet and no one would have to be forced to hold in the gag reflex of seeing extra long toenails scraping the pavement.  In the wise words of someone who was smart enough to know that showing unmanicured feet is ridiculously cruel and unusual punishment, “Gimme a break!”

So you see folks, whether you want to accept it or not, both Uggs and flip flops are eye sores, environmentally unsafe and detrimental to the proper treatment of animals.  They are just plain wrong!  And if you are caught on the street wearing either item, you should run for your life in guilt and shame.  That’ll take no effort at all.  Just picture an army of angry villagers chasing you with burning torches and nooses.  Be careful though, while you are running for your life.  You can’t get very far with no support for your ankles.  Once those villagers catch you, you’ll know exactly what those poor sheep must’ve gone through for the sake of your tacky style.

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Quote of the week:    “The difference between style and fashion is quality.”

What You Settle For is What You Get

Relationships aren’t just about pretty smiles, hypnotic eyes and fat asses.  Sure, those may be some of the more important things to look out for, but if that’s all you’re focusing on before entering into a union with someone, then chances are you’re in for a world of trouble.  All relationships require work, however before it begins, you need to know what to look out for to help determine if it’s even worth your time.  You’ve probably settled for your last relationship and the one before that.  If that’s the case, then you have all the information you need to spot a worthless relationship in the making. 
 
I’d like to start off today’s lesson with a little motto that I think works for a multitude of situations: “When in doubt, get out.”   Keeping that in mind, let’s begin with the signs of a settle.  
 
Tip #1.  If the only thing a person can communicate to you is sex, then you need to chop it up as a wrap.  They’re attention span isn’t going to last longer than the amount of time it takes for you to remove your pants.  This may be a good thing by the second or third date, when you’re horny enough to give it up, unless you’re just some kind of slut muffin who gives it up on the first date.  If you are, then you might as well stop reading now, because no other tip will help you out.  You’ve doomed yourself already by being so damn easy. 
 
Tip #2.  If your new mate is a party animal while you’re not, or vice versa, don’t bother.  The road ahead will be rockier than a Bedrock sky scraper.  It’s true that most people meet their matches in nightclubs or house parties, but it’s not always necessarily so that you or that person is a party type.  Nine times out of ten, that very same party animal loves the nightlife and the dangers that come along with.  For the individual that’s not used to living on the edge in the wee hours of the night, heartache and endless worries ensue.  What goes on in the night when every eye is shut?  Is it not true that the freaks come out at night?  If you two aren’t evenly yolked in your ways of entertainment, then you could be wasting valuable time in meeting the love of your dreams.  But if I were you, I wouldn’t totally give up on the thought of a good booty call.  Some ass is better than none at all. 
 
Tip #3.  If you’re given no details of your mate’s personal life/business, then you’d better keep your eyes peeled for a shoe to drop somewhere along the line.  This is a redflag and flashing neon sign that screams “There’s something to hide!”  You’ll spend the majority of your time trying to figure out what the big secret is?  Is it marriage?  An alternative lifestyle?  Kids?  No job?  No common sense?  A sexaholic?  An alcoholic?  The possibilities are endless and you could wear yourself out trying to figure out the answers.  Also keep in mind that if there are secrets in the beginning, this could lay the carpet for the road ahead.  Watch your step before you fall into a ditch.  Once you crawl out of the ditch, keep a shovel handy.  You’re going to need it to cover the dirt over your mate once you’ve pushed them into the same ditch you fell into.   
 
Tip #4.  If the person only talks about him/herself, you need to run for the hills screaming with your hands waving in the air.  That person is a selfish know-it-all who knows nothing about anything, unless that anything has something to do with them.  Trust me, the conversation will get pretty boring very quickly when the subject begins and ends with them.  The only thing you’d be willing to discuss at that point is them taking a gotdamn hike!    
 
Tip #5.  If you wind up meeting someone who’s best talent is complaining, quit while the going’s good.  Nine times out of ten, you’ll never be good enough for them.  Nothing you say, do, think, or feel will match up to their expectations and it wouldn’t be long before they try to change you and mold you into the person they want you to be.  If you value yourself at all, don’t let someone else depreciate your worth.  And if they attempt, whack them over the head with a 2×4 plank…then run before the cops come a-knockin’!   
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To put the matter mildly, what you settle for is what you get, so in order not to settle, you just have to put in a little effort and spot all the signs.  Putting in a little effort is not as hard as you think.  Afterall, 90% of any effort is getting started. 
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Quote of the week:   “One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives.”