Writing a New Chapter

For all of you who are looking forward to this week’s Hottywood’s HORRORscopes, sadly I must disappoint you with some bitter-sweet news. 

You know how business moguls get to vacation in St. Tropez and schzmuuuschz with other executives and high-banking celebrities?  Well that’s exactly what I’m doing — only different

While seeking a little much needed R&R is in order, I’m busy exploring new dreams; new visions; and dare I say, new catastrophies — to look deeper into destiny’s mossy swamps and rare flowers.   I’m delving into new adventures; new fates; and new creepy lessons to be learned. 

The mysteries of tomorrow is a blank page waiting to be seduced by a ball-point pen.  …and well, my scandal-seeking friends — we all know I aim to please! 

All for you and the sake of witty entertainment, I — with the help of some of my very talented Hottylicious friends — am busting chops to bring three little winches named Karma, Fate and Lady Luck, to a desk or laptop near you, by way of a ground-breaking series — Hottywood Helps: The Webisode! 

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For the first time ever, you’ll not only get to read about the scandals that take place in the Hills of Hottywood, you’ll get to see it for yourself.

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But don’t pack your bags just yet, kids.  We’re still getting the city ready for your grand tour.  Patience, young grasshoppers.  “Patience” is the name of this game.   

 CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 30-June 5, 2010

The holiday weekend is finally over and you’ve gained nearly seven extra pounds on your already fat ass.  Hey, you saw that coming a mile away.  You didn’t need Hottywood to know that massive weight gain was imminent.  But you will need him to tell you how to avoid the pitfalls of post hamburger buns, explosive bathroom stenches and a two-timer named “Lady Luck.” 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

The next date you go out on will remind you just how boring you are, considering you’re lucky enough to get asked out at all. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is something about a three piece and a biscuit that is oddly sexy to you.  This could spice up your social life, especially if you’re an undercover fat skank. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You will eventually find peace, but only when you get to the end of your second 40oz brewsky, on the third day of the sun’s rotation, between 12:24 and 1:37 ½ – pm. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Beneath your good spirited disposition is a backstabbing warthog whose dying to be famous and then betray everyone who helped you rise to the top.  Oh, and your socks don’t match. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Someone will accuse you of spending too much time with a kitchen appliance.  However, what you do in your spare time is nobody’s business.  Just don’t expect any company over for dinner, you freak. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Enlighten a neighbor of the many ways they can use the word “sh*t” in a sentence.  This will prove to them that you are no smarter than they’ve given you credit for. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The most magical place on Earth is not Disney Land.  It’s the public bathroom on Route 66. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You will feel useless to everyone around you except for when someone needs their trash taken out.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

This is a good week to start a new trend.  Consider hair weaves for your eyebrows to set yourself apart from all the rest.  Preferably synthetic. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Grab your own ass the next time you’re in public and moo like a cow.  If anyone looks at you strangely, hiss like a cat.  This will really confuse the hell out of them. Avoid straight jackets. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You will have no taste buds for the next three days.  There is no better time to get your freak on! 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Something in your anus will cause it to itch for the next week. On top of an irritated ass, you’ll also be cursed to walk through invisible spider webs. This is not a good week for socializing…or sh*tting. 

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Quote of the Week:     “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 18-24, 2010

Are you tired of people laughing at you behind your back without your knowing what the hell is so funny?  Then you’ve come to the right place.  I’ll be glad to tell you why the joke’s on you! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Surround yourself with people who are dumber than you in order to appear smarter.  Good luck with that.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

When the IRS comes knocking at your door, it’ll be smart to have rubber glued to your ass so you can bounce like all your checks. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Sometimes it’s necessary to be wrong for all the right reasons – even if punching is involved. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

The only use you will provide this week will be to keep a coffee table from wobbling. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Belching is the only time you seem to make sense. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You can work wonders with a pair of tube socks, a paper clip and a roll of toilet paper.  Know your limitations.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

That restless feeling you’ve been going through lately is just your body telling you it’s time to stop acting like a complete bitch.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

One fatal question will plague your mind this week: “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Farting a hole in your underwear will be the highlight of your week. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If you want something done right, pay someone smarter to do it. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Turn the heat up on your relationship by upping the temperature on your thermostat. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You might as well laugh at yourself since everyone else is laughing at you. Follow the trend. 

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Quote of the Week:     “Don’t let silence be the last thing you say.”  

Hottywood Makes Headlines, Baby!

There comes a point in life where few of many celebrities hit it big.   How do they know when they’ve arrived?  When their names have been splattered all over the hottest gossip magazines in the country, of course!  Enter America’s newest publication, “Hottywood SCOOP!”  The magazine that just can’t get enough of the bloggisphere’s biggest celebrity sensation — Hottywood Helps

Young Hollywood has NOTHING on the hills of Hottywood. 

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You’re probably asking, “What’s the point of this post?”   Well the answer is quite simple and sits right in front of your blind ass face.  

MORAL:  Make the world your center stage.  If you don’t treat yourself like a star, no one else will.  And while you’re stepping on bad weaves and bald heads to rise to the top, don’t worry about those folks who talk about you along the way.  The worry should come into play when those very same people stop talking about you.  So if you’re going to be “IT,” be the best at it!   Don’t forget to keep a very positive “EFF YOU” attitude!  It’s guaranteed to be your 8 ball in the side pocket. 

Remember, 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   “You may want what you want when you want it, but you can’t always get what you want when you want it unless you have a really big bazooka, some maskin tape and a wad of gum.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 28-March 6, 2010

This week holds a lot to be desired in the form of chicken wings and stripper poles.  Rest assured that that’s the highlight of what’s in store for you. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Don’t go out with anyone named Bruno, especially if Bruno is a woman. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Putting cologne on your underarms is not going to solve your immediate onion-scented problem.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You will have a strange compulsion to touch someone’s nipple.  They will have a strange compulsion to punch you.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

It may be time to clip your toenails if they keep getting caught in the rug while you’re still wearing shoes. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

If your name has a vowel in it, you need to shave your back.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

1 + 1 = 11 only when booze is involved and you’re seeing double OR if you’re just stupid and failed math all throughout school.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You can avoid the law if you stay away from overly perky people whose sex lives are more active than yours. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You are your own boss.  You can fire yourself, but trust and believe you’ll pay yourself double to come back to work. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Anyone who lies for you will lie to you.  And that’s no lie. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Someone will confide in you.  The best advice you can offer is, “Na na na boo boo.” 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You don’t have to worry about giving out any fake telephone numbers because no one is going to ask you for it anyway. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Whoever said, “All good things must come to an end,” never had sex with you. 

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Quote of the Week:    “Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Feb. 21-27, 2010

Tomorrow’s negative energy can be avoided if you use a little duck tape and a pack of Bubblicious gum!  To avoid life’s deep potholes and puppy poops, get the answers today for tomorrow’s questions.   

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Trick-or-Treating on Halloween night is the only time begging is allowed. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to look like an ass when you get caught doing the dumb sh*t you thought you got away with.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

When a situation becomes too sticky, rub up against everything like a cat.  –Works every time. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you still have aluminum foil on your TV antenna, you deserve not to have any friends. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

If you know you’re a lazy-ass when it comes to waking up in the morning, grease your body with motor oil before going to bed. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You’re going to owe someone a big favor for keeping a secret you weren’t smart enough to keep yourself. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Having a ‘Plan B’ is not necessary if you have a big voice and an even bigger stun gun. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Drinking kool-aid from a champagne glass does not make you classy. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If you find a strange sense of fulfillment watching the laundry dryer spin, it may be time to re-evaluate some things. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You’re going to have good luck every day. 

…except on any day that has 2 syllables in it. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You are going to enter a room every time someone ironically says, “…oh sh*t.” 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Receiving death threats in the mail is just karma’s funny little way of saying, “hello.” 

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Quote of the Week:    “Save your pennies like you save your life or save your life like you save your pennies.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 15-21, 2009

crystal ballAre you wondering what your week has in store for you?  Chicken wings?  Stalled car engine?  Dropping your last bite of Snickers on the ground?   

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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CapricornCapricorn

December 22 – January 19

You and biscuits are going to be inseparable. There will be many reasons to ask someone to step outside.  Stay away from pretzels.  You’ll see.

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AquariusAquarius

January 20 – February 18

Lighters are always useful when lighting fires. However, metaphorical fires can be started using a baseball bat or a 2×4 plank.  Apples will provide great stimulation for you…worms, not so much. 

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PiscesPisces

February 19 – March 20 

“Thinking strategically” is a cop-out. You did what you did because you’re a selfish competitive little person.  God may try to speak to you today through a kitchen appliance.  If you think you’re crazy, you are.

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AriesAries

March 21 – April 19

Vegetables have always made you think naughty thoughts, so please bear in mind that any visits to market-places could leave you hot or stiff.  Goldfish are cute.   You will win the lottery 6 years from today.

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taurusTaurus

April 20 – May 20

Paper can cut, and words can hurt, which is why you should burn any mail that comes through the letterbox – preferably whilst still in the postman/woman’s hands.

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geminiGemini

May 21 – June 20

Today might be tiring, but you will sleep easy at your desk just before your boss catches you.  Avoid any “Past Due” notices.

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cancerCancer

June 21 – July 22

Electronics and machinery will start to misbehave for you today. Dogs can be a man’s best friend or a woman’s best friend. They could also be a child’s best friend, or a cat’s best friend. Dogs are totally flexible.  You will begin to hate dogs.

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LeoLeo

July 23 – August 22

Halitosis can be very painful.  The end is more like the beginning than you’d think.  Your lucky number is 666 or 613 (which translates to Friday 13).  Feed a stray cat peanut butter and hide from PETA

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VirgoVirgo

August 23 – September 22

If you think you’ve been harshly treated, please feel free to purchase a box full of Twitter Barbie dolls.  Those dolls will remind you that things can be a lot worse. 

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libraLibra

September 23 – October 22

There are always good reasons to ask a fellow human to “step outside”, and you may be forced to do this over the coming week.  Don’t pet a snapping turtle and purchase any of the “Saw” movies. 

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scorpioScorpio

October 23 – November 21

“Sh*t” is not a cuss-word you want to use around the office.  Many of your problems can be solved by sitting down with a pen and paper and doodling pictures of houses and perhaps tornadoes.  All of your pens will run out of ink and “sh*t” will be your favorite word.

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saggitariusSaggitarius

November 22 – December 21

Accusing your friends of dastardly deeds is a good way to find relief after eating your last slice of cheese.  The manner of an exit you make today may lead others to assume things of you.  Wear a “F*ck You” sign on your back. 

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Quote of the Week:       “All people in favour of birth control are already born.”

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