The World May Never Know

Door number two

I’m going to pick door number 2 for $200, Alex.


Quote of the week:  The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook. ~Julia Child  

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Same Sh*t, New Year: The Joy of Returning to the Office After a Long Holiday Break

Back to WorkIt doesn’t take long to get back into the swing of office hum-drum after spending days away of celebrating the Christmas/New Year holiday season. What makes me an expert in this truth is the return to the office, obviously.

As I sit at my desk sifting through piles of unfiled folders, past due email reminders, and pretending to be interested in my coworkers’ holiday fiascos, the one thing that sails the ocean of my mind is how much more of no real work I’m going to do than what I did before 2015 said goodbye for the last time.

I’m not going to return any emails today. I’m not going to check the voicemail messages that have my audix light flashing. I’m not going to contribute any comments to the first staff meeting of the year. I’m not going to file any folders. I’m not even going to pour hot coffee over the copier machine. I’m just going to sit here and continue to be paid to fill a seat behind an oak desk, the way God intended.

This list of nots is not to be confused with me not wanting to be here, because in all honesty I’m very glad to have returned. Being home on vacation doing nothing has a completely different feel than being at work doing nothing on paid time. I actually do miss my coworkers. I just don’t want to talk them. Same as last year. I also need a place to escape in order to prevent myself from drinking fully loaded alcoholic beverages for breakfast. …well I guess I can do that at work but contrary to popular belief that’s frowned upon. Same as last year. Go figure.

I guess when I think about it, my New Year attitude has only changed as it regards my personal life. For example when bill collectors call to hound me for a payment of a bill I have no intention to pay, I’m going to answer the phone and tell them I’m unavailable just like their phone number when the word unavailable pops up on the caller id.

Debt Collector

When it comes to work though, nothing’s changed. Same work. Same shit. It’s just a new year. If my memory serves me correctly (I’ve been told I suffer from CRS (Can’t Remember Shit) syndrome), I think I said this very same thing last year. With that said I don’t see a reason for me to rock the boat especially since I can’t swim.

On that note I’m going to go now. Line 2 is ringing although I’m not going to answer it. Instead I’m going to roam the halls in the event it’s an inside caller. That way I won’t be lying when I have to tell someone I wasn’t in my office when they called – coincidentally, just like I used to do last year.


Quote of the Week:   “You should check your email more often. You may have gotten fired three weeks ago.”

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It’s Time to Tell Bad Barbers to Cut it Out

BAD HAIRCUTSIf there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a lousy barber. Every man on the planet, and some bald women, know exactly what I’m talking about. Barbers that have no eye-hand coordination; barbers that talk on the phone while cutting a customer’s hair; barbers that knick necks with sharp ass razors; barbers that push back hairlines; barbers that don’t take showers, knowing they have to stand right next to you; slow cutting barbers; novice barbers; blind barbers; and barbers that haven’t received their green card, so they can’t understand the style of cut you want even though you’ve explained it to them three times in plain English.

BarbershopToday is the day when men and women with bushes take a stand and demand better service out of  groomers. Yesterday is gone where those of us in need of haircuts grow dread locs because good service is hard to find. No longer will we stuff our full head of hair under skull caps and baseball caps and toupees and bandannas. No more will we wear bags over our heads. Beginning today – right now – we demand that you Edward Scissorhands and Wolverine wanna-bes get your stuff together or suffer the consequences of being buried alive in your own pool of afro sheen.

If you are tired of such disservice America, let your voice be heard! Sit in that barber’s chair and stand up for your rights!

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Quote of the Week:  “The difference between style and fashion is quality.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

I read your column all the time and laugh at some of the [relationship] advice you give to your readers. Well this time I’m coming to you for that same enlightening advice.

For the last two and a half weeks, I’ve been seeing a young lady that I met by way of a mutual friend. The introduction was initially set up because of our supposed similar interests. I should probably say that we went all the way on our first date, thus in my eyes, placing her on booty call status. However in HER eyes, I’m THE ONE. In these short days I’ve become a just-add-water husband. She’s told all of her friends and family about me, made me her beneficiary in the likeliness of her untimely demise, and is now talking marriage, children, and where we’re going to live once we’ve retired.

I’ve tried to tell her that she’s moving way too fast and that I very much enjoy my bachelor life, but that doesn’t seem to be getting through her thick skull. I don’t want to hurt her, but I don’t want anything more to do with her than a quick “What’s up?” on somebody’s instant message chat service.

How can I dump this chick without breaking her heart?

HELP. I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP

Dear HELP. I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP,

BREAK UPIt sounds like you’ve gotten yourself into one fine mess. Should I bother to pinpoint where you made your mistakes? You slept with her already; you’ve entertained her love lust for you; and you’ve kept her around even though you told her you like to roll as a bachelor.

You’re giving her the impression as though there’s still some hope for her delusional ass. As long as you continue to pretend to be interested she’s going to continue to actually be interested.

Sadly, judging by the way you’ve described how she’s latched on to your nuts, it doesn’t look like you’re going to make a clean break from ol’ gal. You have one of three options here.

  1. Tell her the truth. “Bish, Ion’t want you!” Wait. That may be too harsh. “I’m not interested. It’s not me. It’s you.” It still may be a little harsh, but the truth will set you free. Free from this Earth when she runs over your ass with a dune buggy. No matter how you spin it, telling her the truth is going to break her heart because you’ll be telling her something she doesn’t want to hear. Let me just warn you now to watch out for the water works. No man is safe from a woman when she begins to cry.
  2. Pick an argument with her. It doesn’t matter what the argument is about. It could be over the smallest, dumbest thing you can think of. Tell her you hate the way her hairy knees feel when they brush up against the back of your legs when you two lay in bed together. Whatever excuse you come up with, though, be sure to make a big, ignorant deal out of it. The key to this trick is to make her out to be the bad guy [tell her she should be whipped with a bag of nickels for having hairy knees]. And no matter what she says or does, do not let her accept the blame for the argument…or shave her knees. You want her knees to stay hairy in the event she traps some other dude after you and he needs a good excuse to dump her ass.
  3. Be a real man and disappear into the wind. Cut off all communication her; text, phone, email, messenger pigeon, foam cups and string, miming – the whole 9.

There’s not going to be an easy way to get out of this so you should probably expect to come out with a few scars. If you’re still standing in the end though with all of your body parts intact, and are still single to boot, then the battle was worth the fight!

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I recently started dating a double-plus-sized stripper. The worst part is not that she’s a stripper; or that she’s plus-sized. The worst part is that I’m more concerned about what other people think (or will think) about me dating an overweight exotic dancer. My girlfriend loves cheeseburgers and stripper poles. I want to say “so what,” because I care about her, but I also care about what other people think [about us, or me for my choice in dating her]. Am I wrong? Should I end this relationship before my worries condemn it?

Eye of the Beholder

Dear Eye of the Beholder,

My GirlYou should end the relationship not because of the fact that your girlfriend has a passion for a double dose of calories; nor for the fact that she spins her extra baby fat around a skinny pole. You need to take some time out to tap into your own confidence and self-consciousness before you let your insecurities hurt her feelings, which can also lead to bitter anger. And if she’s as plus-sized as you make her sound, if I were you I’d be more afraid of her sitting on me and breaking every bone in my body; or afraid of her beating you with a stale biscuit – something you clearly think she shouldn’t have or don’t need.

It sounds like you need a little time to figure out who you are so you don’t worry about how others perceive you. Never mind how others perceive you. What about how she perceives you when she finds out how insecure you are about her? More over; never mind how she perceives you. Your writing to me implies you are questioning your perception of yourself.

You’re looking at the size of her g-string instead of the size of her heart. If you don’t get a grip on maturity and the reality of love, your only thrill will continue to come from broads you buy your time from at the nudey bar, and soon you’ll be left broke and lonely.

If she’s confident enough to take her clothes off to show her fat rolls to a room full of people, then she doesn’t need to be, or deserve to be, for that matter, with someone whose security ranking on a scale of 1-100 is no greater than the average size of a shoe.

You should also keep in mind that no one is perfect. So before you pinpoint her flaws, look in the mirror and count the number of imperfections you may have that could possibly warrant her to write to me in question of how she should deal with your defects.

Good luck with this one, pal.

Hottywood

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I hooked up with a guy about three weeks ago; and though we haven’t bumped uglies since, he’s been back to my house almost every night since we got together. I think I like him and I don’t mean to/want to push the issue, but is there a reason why he hasn’t or doesn’t want to have relations with me [anymore]?

Just Curious,

Dear Just Curious,

Relax sweetheart. He keeps coming back so you must be doing something right. If ol’ boy hasn’t tried to smash after already hitting it and is still coming back to visit you (almost every night after three weeks nonetheless), then he’s probably digging you more than just wanting to dig in to you. It sounds like you’re on a path down Relationship Road. Trust me, if he wasn’t interested in you or is/was only interested in your Victoria’s Secrets, you’d know. Take my advice and don’t phuck things up by worrying about why you’re not getting phucked. That stress will phuck you over every time. Sit back, enjoy the ride and see where things go.

Congratulations and good luck on your new journey.

P.S., make sure you keep your refrigerator stocked with beer.

-Hottywood

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Old Love

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I’ve been in a dating slump lately. With that said, my ex (we broke up eight months ago) whom I thought I loved, has “seemingly” come back into the picture – not surprisingly with one thing in mind. When he returned to my life, the first thing he wanted to discuss was sex but knowing I’m not that type of girl he chose to talk about our failed relationship instead/first. We had an extensive text conversation followed by a face-to-face conversation which resulted in him blaming me for the demise of our relationship (for lack of better word, because it sure as hell wasn’t a relationship). When I saw that things were going nowhere, I decided to give in and just have sex with him, not for his sake but for the sake of my own needs. I’m not shocked that I haven’t heard from him since, but I’m kind of in my feelings and don’t know why. Can you shed some light on why I can’t let go of what was never there?

Sexually Satisfied but Not Emotionally

Dear Sexually Satisfied but Not Emotionally,

It’s evident that you still harbor feelings for this fool and yet you are letting him make a fool out of you. Let me start off by saying that if your ex (or anyone for that matter) insists on holding on to his pride, ego or excuses instead of holding on to you, it’s time to let go.

You didn’t indicate exactly why your relationship failed but rather he blamed you for the demise, yet he returned for some ass (???). Can we say RED FLAG? I would have suggested you not give in to him, but I totally understand having needs. Everyone has needs and need to get laid from time to time.

Here is your reality check, though:  If you saw no successful result at the end of the texted or face-to-face conversation about your past relationship, then you wasted your fingertip strength, your breath and your time; if you gave up the booty and he hasn’t responded to you afterwards in any way, shape or form, and you still can’t see where he’s coming from, then you need a piano to fall on your head. Trust me. You don’t want that. It hurts; if you slept with him simply to satisfy your needs then maybe you ought to be satisfied with that. Stop putting your eggs in his basket. He doesn’t want your eggs. He wants your basket.

You’re probably holding on to something that isn’t or never was there simply because you want it but don’t have it [right now] or [think you] can’t get it. But the truth is you can have everything you want if you don’t act pressed, foolish or blind – especially not for him. You can probably do better. You probably should hold out for better. You should probably tell yourself that you deserve better. You’ll probably get something or someone better once you believe and accept there’s something better out there for you. Once you accept that then his BS will be just as much of a joke as you are to him. In the meantime if you want to phuck him to satisfy your sexual desires then may I suggest you learn how to separate your emotional feelings from your physical?