This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

A couple of days ago my friendship ended with a very close friend over some random girl he just started dating. After meeting her and getting to know a bit about her, it was easy to determine she wasn’t a good fit for him. When I told him he could do better, he responded by telling me if I can’t deal with his relationship(s), then I can take a hike. Naturally his words didn’t sit well with me so I decided to take him up on his suggestion. Now I’m wondering if I jumped the gun. What do you think? 

Short Fuse

Dear Short Fuse,

I gotta tell you I think this is one of those moments where you would have been better off minding your own business. I’m sure your intentions were good (even though the road to hell is paved with good intentions), but I’m curious to know what gave you the right to stick your nose in his relationship. I bet he’s wondering the same thing.

You probably offended him by questioning his judgment on this girl. Maybe you overstepped your bounds by questioning his relationship at all. It’s possible you made yourself sound jealous. Whatever the reason for your $.02, it sounds like you offered (or forced on) him an unwarranted piece of advice that he would have been fine without.

If you’re wondering whether or not you jumped the gun, walk a mile in his shoes and think about what your response would be if someone were to ask you why you’re wearing a pair of shoes that doesn’t look good on your feet.

Hottywood

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

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QUESTION: How do you respond to that awkward silence that follows an unreciprocated confession of “I love you?”

AwkwardA friend of mine posted an interesting comment on Facebook the other day that really got me thinking. It was along the lines of “That awkward silence that follows an unreciprocated confession of “I love you.”” Though it isn’t a traditional Ask Hottywood question, I have to ask myself is there a proper way of breaking the silence when you can’t say what the other person is waiting to hear?

If I were to answer myself, I’d say “Self…,” because that’s what I call myself. “There isn’t a proper way of telling anyone that you aren’t vibing with them the way they see in their mind. You’re damned if you respond and damned if you don’t.

Think about it. If you reply with an insincere “I love you,” you’d be a big fat liar and stuck with faking an emotion for someone you’d probably cheat on later down the line. If you reply with “Um, thanks…,” “You do?” “Really?” or “What a coincidence; I love me, too,” you are admitting that you’d rather pull your tongue out of your mouth rather than say those three little words that you don’t mean. Having no response at all is no different than changing the subject. While you may be able to fake the funk in that person’s company, if you don’t respond to their heart-felt gut spilling, you are blatantly admitting to leading them on – at least that’s the way they’d see it. Most likely they are going to wonder why you spend enough time with them to allow them to fall in love with you if you don’t feel the same way. Soon after they are likely to deem you a confused player who is full of nothing but bullshit, lies and games. On the bright side, though, if you’re lucky they’ll retract their “I love you” and opt never to speak to you again. When that happens you can rebut by calling them selfish, but you’d still be pinned with the label of being a confused player who is full of nothing but bullshit, lies and games.

Face it. This is a battle you can’t win.

I guess if you feel someone getting ready to profess their love for you, and you can’t counter the words, your best option would be to French kiss them long and hard, and by “long” I mean forever because once that kiss is over you’re back at square one. Another option would be to clock them over the head with a crystal vase, but you’d have one hell of a mess to clean up, not to mention a restraining order, pending you don’t get your ass beat to death for clobbering someone over the head (of course after they wake up from their coma). Or you could run for the hills with your hands waving in the air like a normal crazy person. Your choices are limited, but it beats standing there with a dumb look on your face as you ask yourself, “How am I going to get out of this one?”

How to do Nothing at Work and Still Get Paid

Sadly, there are many people in this world that don’t take advantage of slacking off on company time. Any normal person would be inclined to ask why? I am inclined to assume it’s because they don’t know how. Lucky for them Hottywood Helps!

Doing NothingIf one insists on doing a full day’s work, the day to do it is Tuesday. Monday is reserved for getting over a weekend hangover. Wednesday is reserved for celebrating the halfway mark of faking your way through the work week. Thursday is codename for “I Don’t Give a Phuck Day,” and Fridays are like the Christmas Eve of the weekend!

Rather than me spending a lot of time explaining the how-to of office slacking, I’m just going to post a little weekday workday schedule for you. After all, I’m supposed to be in a staff meeting right now, but I’d rather do this, so I’m claiming one of my fifteen minute breaks now.

*This is a Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday workday schedule.

8:30am

Arrive at work.

8:31am – 9:05am

Talk to your favorite select coworkers.

9:06am – 9:30am

Fifteen minute coffee/smoke break.

9:31am – 9:45am

Do some actual work.

9:46am – 10:00am

Bathroom break. What you do in the bathroom is nobody’s business!

10:01am – 11:59am

Get on Facebook.

12:00pm – 2:00pm

Lunch

2:01pm – 2:45pm

Fifteen minute coffee/smoke break.

2:46pm – 3:25pm

Ask your supervisor a question about a task you should have completed two hours ago. Give about five minutes worth of attention to the actual task in question. Devote the rest of the time discussing their [supervisor’s] pet. You will probably get a promotion for caring at all about their pet(s).

3:26pm – 4:00pm

Get on Facebook.

4:01pm – 4:30pm

Bathroom break. Make sure you wash your hands.

4:31pm – 4:45pm

Reserve nothing during this time slot. Not a damn thing. This is YOUR time.

4:46pm

Sneak out of the office early. No one will come looking for you because it’ll be too close to 5 o’clock’s quitting time.

Slacking-Off

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Quote of the Week:  “You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not ‘professional’ any more.”

PSA: How to Appropriately Dispose of Someone’s Bad Cooking

Bad CookRaise your hand if you’ve ever gone over to someone’s house where they offered you some of their horrific cooking. What was your response? Did you lie and tell them it was good? Did you not exactly lie and tell them it was like nothing you’ve ever tasted before? Did you stick your finger down your throat until you threw up all over the plate to return the food to them? Did your taste buds start popping off one bud at a time? Did your tongue and throat swell until your head imploded? Did you think I was ever going to stop asking you questions?

Bad Cook_2The truth is we’ve all experienced the best of someone’s worst cooking, whether it was mom, dad, granny, a sister, brother, lover, spouse, neighbor, church affiliate, coworker or cafeteria crewman. The real question is how to deal with it. If you’re like me, you’d rather point a loaded B.B. gun at your head and hope the impact of the pellet kills you rather than tell someone they should make a living out of ordering take-out. Well then again, I’m lying. That isn’t me. I would tell a bad cook the truth – that since they can’t cook, they shouldn’t be allowed to eat. Some would argue my candidness is a little drastic – even dramatic – while others would/could/does appreciate my honesty. Those people that would/could/does appreciate my honesty are all cool. Everybody else are wanna-be’s with slouchy socks but that’s a different story.

The next time you go to someone’s house to sample their inedible cuisine, after you’ve apprehensively inhaled the food (preferably without chewing), the appropriate thing to do is smile as they watch you put it in your mouth, and when they aren’t looking, quickly spit the food into a napkin and hide the evidence around their house in places like an unsealed package of a loaf of bread, a toaster or microwave, inside their medicine cabinet, a fish tank, a sock drawer, or an air and heating vent.

Bad Dinner PartyBy the time they realize what it is they’re seeing or smelling, you’ll be long gone and there’d be no way they can pin the shenanigan on you! By that time you will have purchased yourself enough time to warn everyone that you know (anonymously of course) to never never ever eat at that person’s house unless they know for sure that whatever meal they serve has been purchased from a frozen food section of any grocery store or fast food joint that deep fries their chicken wings inside a microwave oven.

This public service announcement has been brought to by the makers of HottywoodHelps.com. 

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Quote of the Week:  “Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

I haven’t seen my girlfriend in the last four and a half weeks. We may communicate possibly twice a day – if I’m lucky. Once around 8am, when she knows I’m on the subway (where my phone can’t get reception) and/or at night, any time between 11pm-12pm, when I’m asleep. She also doesn’t respond to my text messages. When I ask her about her disappearance, she always only responds, “There’s so much going on right now.” I don’t know if it’s just me but that doesn’t sound like a concrete answer. I guess it’s pretty obvious that my question to you is in regards to my wondering if I should worry or assume my relationship is over. Could she have just lost interest and doesn’t want to tell me? Could she be dating someone else? 

In the Dust 

Dear In the Dust,

Cut Your TiesIt’s kind of hard to say what the reason is for your girlfriend pulling a Casper on you. But I can say one thing for certain: PEOPLE MAKE TIME FOR THE THINGS THEY WANT. If she isn’t making time for you or your relationship after a month’s passing, you already know what needs to be done. I don’t think you need me to tell you that you’ve been left in the dust. I think you’re seeking confirmation that what your gut is telling you is true – the wench is over it and she’s too chicken shit to tell you straight up.

My advice to you is to cut the knot at the end of your rope and stop hanging on. Whether she’s seeing someone else or just plain ol’ doesn’t want to be bothered with you any more, four and a half weeks is enough time for you to stop whining and get over her. What’s the point of wanting someone that blatantly doesn’t want you back? It makes you look kind of desperate, and desperation doesn’t match any pair of shoes.

*On the bright side, usually after breaking up with someone, once the wound has healed and the dust has settled, if and when you see that person again you notice all of their flaws.

When you see ol’ girl the next time, hopefully you’ll have found someone way hotter than she is. Then you can ask yourself what the hell you were thinking about when you let her carry you for all those weeks. And if you’re really lucky (or pray hard enough) – she’ll be single and lonely, her ankles will have swollen and her breasts will have dropped to her knee caps. That’s when she’ll tell you she misses you and asks if you’d be willing to give it another go.

So even though you may not be feeling the greatest right now, at least you’ll have something to look forward to.

Hottywood

Foods Not to Eat On a First Date

Greedy PigHave you ever gone out to eat with someone that had no table manners? Is it more annoying to you or more embarrassing? Chances are if you’re eating out in public with someone you know that hasn’t been trained in the art of table etiquette, you’ll forgive and forget (although you might sneak a snapshot of them and post it on Facebook) …hey no one said you’re perfect. But let’s say that person isn’t your friend. Instead they are someone you are going out on a date with. Better yet – a first date. Can you name some foods that would be considered inappropriate to eat? Remember, when considering the list of items image is everything!

In case you are having a brain freeze from the consumption of too many ice cream cones, I am more than happy to advise you on what you shouldn’t eat on a first date. After all, Hottywood Helps!

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It’s never attractive to eat spaghetti on a first date.

Spaghetti

It’s messy. You also look a little silly trying to find the end of the spaghetti string as it continuously wraps around your fork. If you just so happen to have a dirty mind, the spaghetti sauce can easily remind you of something else but you didn’t hear it from me.

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Hamburgers aren’t very sexy to eat.

Eating Hamburger

It’s very common that people who eat hamburgers almost never eat them with a fork and knife. That’s just stupid. If you have no fork or knife you are left with only two things (well three depending on how you look at it). 1) A spoon, which makes no sense, and 2/3) your hands, which makes you look barbaric and greedy.

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Eating Corn on the Cob

Corn on the cob isn’t the most sexiest choice on the menu.

The corn easily gets stuck between your teeth, not to mention in your beard.

Tell the truth, can you imagine how very unpretty it would look to see corn bits stuck in a woman’s beard?

It’s definitely not anything you’d run home to call your friends and brag about. Not unless you start off the phone conversation with, “You won’t believe this shit, but I have pictures to prove it!” 

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I’d probably advise against eating Chinese food on a first date.

Eating Rats_Chinese Food

Not that I don’t love Chinese food because I do! It’s just that you never know what you’re eating and the last thing you’d want to do is upchuck in the middle of a restaurant.

It’s the number one way to ensure you won’t get lucky later that night.

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It’s NEVER good to eat anyone’s butt that wears underwear that reads “I Love to Fart.”

First date or not, it could prove to be a shitty mess and that’s a major turn off. 

Butt

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Eating fire, wood or babies is usually frowned upon. If you eat any of these on your first date it will no doubt double as your last.

FIRE WOOD BABIES

I don’t think you really need a why for these choices but if you do, it’s inhuman, unsanitary and a little creepy. It also has to be bad for your teeth, breath and reputation.

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The number one food to eat when you go out on a date is ALCOHOL!

One Drink Too Many

By the time you’re finished drinking your dinner, you’ll be too drunk to give a shit about what you or your date looks like with or without food.

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Quote of the Week:  “You didn’t fight your way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.”

An Open Letter to Metro – “You Suck!”

Dear Metro Officials,

I’m taking the time to write this letter to wholeheartedly say to you, “Thanks for nothing.”

ANGRY METROEvery time I get on the train, about five minutes after my ride begins, I am reminded of just how intolerably ghetto you are. Maybe it’s the constant breakdowns, the fires on the train tracks, the suicidal jumpers, the muggers, the single tracked cars, the broken escalators and elevators, the no shuttle bus services or the constant hike in fares that give me so little hope that you will ever get your shit together.

Last night during the one hundred and tenth minute of my thirty minute commute, I had nothing but time to read the newspaper and was a little surprised at the ambitious plan metro has for an upgrade, which is presumed to be paid for by metro riding tax payers – an expense that will cost millions if not billions of dollars. Of course we’d be happy to pay for your upgrades. Why not? You are already bleeding us dry from a system that barely works. Why wouldn’t it be a good idea to add more subway lines and underground tunnels that will more than likely cost more trouble and add more time to our commutes while taking more money out of our pockets and paychecks? Please know that I say this with the most sincere sarcasm.

METROMy intent on writing this open letter of disappointment and disgust to you is tarnished by my body’s lack of strength as I am completely exhausted from last night’s wait in a sea of angry metro riders for the next available shuttle bus to ANY metro station remotely close to my home, which unsurprisingly didn’t arrive for at least two hours after you made a public announcement that there was no longer any running trains to my station. I believe your exact words were, “If you are traveling in the direction of Greenbelt (the opposite way from my home, of course) there will be a twenty minute delay. If you are traveling in the direction of Branch Avenue (guess where I was headed), you are out of luck! There is no metro service at this time and God only knows when we’ll be up and running again.”

Aren’t you tired of singing this song? I know I’m tired of hearing it.

Flintstones AirplaneOh, to dream of the days of old where commuters were transported to their destinations by giant tyrannosaurus rexes like on the Flintstones. Life would be so much simpler, provided those dinosaurs wouldn’t eat their passengers which, in all honesty, wouldn’t be any worse than what metro is doing to its riders today.

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Quote of the Week:  “Mass transportation is doomed to failure because a person’s car is the only place where he can be alone and think.”

Breaking the Ties that Bind

DELETE_2In the chain of friend[ship]s, it never fails that someone’s link is weak, and you can always count on the first month of a new year to bring that (or those) weak link(s) to light.

For some people it’s intentional to break those ties that bind at the beginning of a new year while others don’t bother to wait to let the old one play out. No one is really right or wrong in waiting (or not waiting). It all depends on how one feels and how much one can tolerate.

It isn’t uncommon for one to merely scratch a name out of an address book with a black magic marker, permanently covering the name and number of the frienemy. It also isn’t uncommon to decorate those names and numbers with a red magic marker, representative of blood (as in you’ll die before you allow yourself to communicate with that him or her again). Tossing a cell phone into oblivion is not as likely as simply deleting a name from a contacts app, however it is physically more satisfying. Perhaps not satisfying to the pockets, assuming a cell phone owner doesn’t have insurance like most cheapskate mobile phone users.

Ejection Seat

Let’s not get totally confused. Though a name may be scratched out of a book or deleted from an electronic device, a friendship can still be etched in memory (provided one doesn’t have Alzheimer’s disease or get into some form of an accident that results in amnesia), which means deleting a contact isn’t necessarily equivalent to deleting that friendship forever, even if it is the initial intent. Most people are just stubborn in the first month of a new year and are fairly tired of holding on to much of nothing, namely a friend/relationship that isn’t quite working, so they eject their confidantes for a time.

Joan Rivers

Although a broken friendship can be mended, they do run the risk of never being the same. Think of it as a 50/50 shot at plastic surgery. I would reference Joan Rivers but I actually love Joan. I’m also deathly afraid of getting on her bad side, so forget I brought her up at all.

The new year brings new resolutions and new limits to old bullshit, which is codename for “People-that-have-done-you-wrong-in-the-year-prior-are-to-be-rewarded-with-blocked-text-messages,-straight-to-voicemail-messages-and-music-ringtones-from-the-new-group,-“The-Dial-Tones.”

I am not one to encourage breaking up friendships [or relationships] with the dawn of a new year, but when in Rome…

New Year Break Ups

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Quote of the Week:  “If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

I met this guy on an online sex site. We hooked up. It was okay. I pretty much only connected with him to get over my ex (getting over an old lover with a new one). Now this guy seems to have caught feelings and tries to see me all the time (meaning every day). Do I tell him I’m not emotionally interested in him or just cut him off cold turkey? 

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

One Night StandThis is a tough call, and truthfully you are really the only one that can answer this question. If you met dude on a hookup site, chances are he connected with you with an intention to merely screw your brains out. Somewhere along the line something caught his attention. Either you were more attractive than he anticipated; you were too nice; you indulged in actual conversation; or your sex was too good. Whatever the reason for his shift in manner it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to conclude that you two didn’t set boundaries before bumping pelvises.

Usually online jump-offs are all about one thing. If you had a conversation with him before showcasing your unmentionables, you could have eluded that you were looking for something a little more than a phuck. If he’s attracted to the way you look, you can’t help the beauty that God blessed you with. Realize your own worth of splendor and find a better quality of suitors offline. It’ll mean more to you and it’s a hell of a lot safer. If your sex was that good, don’t make any excuses for that. Pat yourself on the back. 

Whatever you decide, whether you cut him off completely or break his heart by telling him you aren’t feeling him emotionally, you don’t want to burn any bridges. Every [single] person needs a jump-off in their life. It’s good for exercise and a cure-all for mood swings so I’d probably advise against foregoing that. Although before you carve that advice in stone, remember that you can meet another jump-off online (if that’s the way you prefer to go) just the way you met the guy you’re referencing now.

If you don’t want to confront him with the truth that all you’re interested in is what he has inside his underoos, then your best bet is to train him by action rather than words. Call him when you want it. You set the boundaries, the days, the times and the conditions. Understand though that as a man, being the follower in a sexual relationship is not going to sit well with him very long. …well, again if your sex is that good you hold all the cards. When it comes to a piece of ass, most men are weak.

Keep in mind that the same way you met him online, he can meet someone else who will be foolish enough to let him hit it and invade their space any time he damn well wishes, leaving you lonely and horny.

You have to ask yourself two questions before making your final decision. Will a booty call satisfy your heart or your loins? Which one of those is more important to you?

…or you can just tell him you’re pregnant. 

[See why the Booty Call Agreement is so important.]

Hottywood

Take Note: Office Etiquette is No Different from Home Etiquette

What’s the difference between playing loud music in an apartment unit and holding a meeting full of loud voices in a  private office with the door wide open? There is no difference. It’s just plain old rude.

Considering the average worker spends more time at work than they do at home, the same [living] rules of etiquette apply to the office.

Employees should NOT:

  1. Play loud music via their PC speakers. Not everyone likes the All-Yodling station. 
  2. Hold extended conversations on their telephone’s loud speaker. No one gives a damn about what you’re talking about, unless of course it’s water cooler gossip.
  3. Loiter in the department hallway to discuss the events of their last evening or the strategies of the plan of action for their next or last meeting. SECURITY! 
  4. Hold open door meetings within private offices. What are doors for? 
  5. Pop into a colleague’s office at any given time for an impromptu conversation. Being fake to fellow co-workers will require a raise in pay.
  6. Be overly cheerful, depressing, nosey or annoying before 10am. These are grounds for fighting. 
  7. Burn baked fish in the microwave. Can be confused with #8.
  8. Wear short skirts, have hairy legs and forget to douche. It’s just wrong. 
  9. Hum, whistle or sing. It’s usually off-pitch and is followed by an army of barking dogs. 
  10. Wear white shoes after Labor Day.

The sad part about this list of nots is that it’s considered unethical to douse repeat offenders with a hot bucket of cat pee. In fact, if an employee were to bring a bucket of cat pee to the office, he/she would be fired for questionable thinking, intention or behavior. But is it really that much worse to bring cat pee to work than it is to annoy fellow co-workers by breaking the rules of proper work etiquette? I think not.

In order to make any work environment a better place, employees SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO:

  1. Work from home whenever they feel like it. …People in hell want ice water. See where this is going?
  2. Drink booze offered in the company break room or vending machine.
  3. Smoke Jamaican cigarettes or medical marijuana at their desk.
  4. Have Krispy Kreme donut parties every Friday for people under a certain weight or social status.
  5. Speak within a limit of 140 characters at all staff meetings, like Twitter.
  6. Have conjugal visits with other inappropriately dressed colleagues during their lunch or 15 minute coffee breaks.
  7. Say “fuck” and “damn” before and after every sentence and/or question at least 1 full day out of a week.
  8. Have heavy metal house parties in the office elevators on the 3rd Wednesday and Thursday of every month. Women and supervisors get in free.
  9. Serve McDonald’s French fries in the cafeteria (this rule doesn’t apply to McDonald’s workers, obviously).
  10. Have 1 free pass per week to cuss out a colleague of their choice.

If leaders of the work world would take heed to these suggestions, surely their subordinate staff would better respect them (provided they [the leaders] aren’t the colleague of choice to be cursed out in a given week). The office would be a much more relaxed place. Employees would get along better and more work would get done…the work may not be correct, but it would be complete.

In the new year, let’s strive to make as many of these changes in the office as we can or burn the copier room down trying.

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Quote of the Week:   “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”

 

When There is No Chicken in Heaven All Hell Breaks Loose

Once upon a time, I was invited to a New Year’s cookout on the south side of town, which in itself was a bad idea because it was too damn cold outside to be at a cookout in January. However without hesitation I said “Yes” because in my world, cookouts are year-round, not to mention at every cookout there’s sure to be chicken [wings] on a grill (I’ve been told that after burning down the house of the last person that invited me to a party where a chicken wing wasn’t present, no one would dare invite me over without having that minor detail taken care of).

This particular party host, we’ll call him Thatcher for the sake of anonymity, made one fatal mistake. Though he did heed warning and smartly opted to serve chicken to me…ahem, to all of the party guests, he served imitation chicken! The look in my eyes screamed WTF (What the F–!)?  Forget imitation crab meat. Forget tofu, and to hell with vegan anything.

Imitation chicken is unethical, unappreciated and un-American. And I wanted it to be understood that I didn’t like it! It didn’t take long for all hell to break loose.

Thatcher was none too pleased that I showed my ass when I found out he dared to fire up some faux wings, especially when the police showed up to simmer down my outrage. Everyone was afraid – even Thatcher’s cat. I’m not too sure if they were afraid of the police brigade or my boisterous outburst. Screams of terror erupted nevertheless.

Following Thatcher’s chicken-less negligence, he tried to break bad with me for disrupting his lame, cold and unappetizing party, which is where he made his final fatal mistake. So instead of rearranging his face, I took one drastic measure – a measure that precedes my reputation.

To this day I am not proud of my actions, though I hold no regrets. It is with this 2013th January that reminds me of the burning lesson poor Thatcher had to learn the hard way, which is a piece of advice I am extending to you; always have real chicken at any barbecue that I’m invited to, and don’t get mad at me when I get mad at you for not doing what I expect you to do to make me happy.

Chicken Sandwich

The end.

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Quote of the Week:   “24 hours in a day; 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

I got in trouble at work for getting caught stealing paper towels out of the bathroom [to use at home]. I don’t see why I should buy paper towels when I can get them at work for free. Is there a way I can get myself out of this trouble? 

Hamburgler

Dear Hamburgler,

I totally understand your logic in stocking up on free paper towels. After all, who’s gonna miss a few hundred sheets of paper towels from a public private office building, right? WRONG! Your ass just proved that you can’t get away with the simplest shit. One could argue that you are a thief. One could argue that you are cheap. One could argue that you’re crazy for not stealing something more valuable than some damn paper towels. Some scissors or a Scotch tape dispenser, I can understand. At any rate, I only point out these facts because if you were stealing the paper towels in the first place, you pretty much understood you were doing something wrong. You can’t gain from a consequence if you don’t know or understand what you’ve done wrong or why it’s wrong.

Having gotten than out of the way, you’ve come to the right place to squeeze yourself out of this jam.

Here are my recommendations:

Having coming fresh off a holiday season (Christmas and New Years), you can always tell your accusing party that you left your sanity in the year 2012.

You can tell the accusing party that you are donating paper goods to an orphanage of midgets or a homeless shelter for persons with no arms and no hands, on behalf of your employment agency…or potentially your former employment agency.

You can tell the accusing party that you flooded the bathroom in another part of the building and you need(ed) the paper towels to clean up your mess. However in order to get away with that bold face lie, you’d have to be able to get to that particular bathroom and pee all over the floor before it’s been investigated for truthful proof.

You can tell the accusing party that you sweat a lot when faced with unrealistic deadlines, high volumes of office related phone calls, and co-workers that fart silently as they walk pass your desk.

You can tell the accusing party that you have cramps (if you’re a man, man cramps) and have an un-Godly discharge coming from a very personal place of your body. If they ask you to show it to them [for proof], you can sue them for sexual harassment.

You can tell the accusing party that free or stolen paper towels is intertwined with your religion. If they challenge that, they are discriminating against your religion. And everyone knows d-i-s-c-r-i-m-i-n-a-t-i-o-n spells lawsuit.

You can tell the accusing party that your cat is dying and that his last wish is to die on top of a bed of paper towels sponsored by an office facility. If they don’t believe that, they have no heart and their nipples will fall off. And you don’t want to work for anyone with no heart or no nipples.

In the end, the next time you decide to steal something, steal something you can sell on a corner, in a parking lot or at a pawn shop otherwise don’t waste your time. Stealing paper towels doesn’t exactly earn you street cred.

Hottywood

Hottywood’s 2013 New Years Resolutions

As we catapult ourselves out of 2012 and into 2013, there’s really no point in reviewing the events of months prior to this. The bottom line is that as long as we’re above ground (and perhaps not vampires or zombies – #TheUndead), we’ve got a lot to be thankful for.

I, for one, will admit I’ve had some rough times in 2012 but I’m still standing. Barely but still.

At any rate, in order to make this year better than the last, I’ve done what most people in the country have done (or is doing), and that is comprised a short list of New Year’s Resolutions. Usually people come up with at least ten resolutions, but outside of promising myself to eat more chicken wings with less fattening cooking grease, I’ve put together six of my most reasonable and realistic goals for the coming year.

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I will have peace of mind. The only thing I want to stress about is not getting caught when I outrun the police after they’ve pulled me over for texting and driving a motorcycle while under the influence of a bottle of Scope.

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I will join the fashion police academy so I can legally spray mace on women with visible heavy eye glue on their false eyelashes and girls that insist on buying weaves that don’t match the natural grain or color of their hair.

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I’m going to come up with a better list of fake names to give to aggressive ugly drunk people at bars and nightclubs.

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bathroom office

Just for shits and giggles (no pun intended) I’m going to somehow make “diarrhea” an agenda item at every office staff meeting.

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I will make it a point to orchestrate all of my farts to sound like random big band songs since passing gas, like music, is a universal language.

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I vow before a congregation of witnesses that on the 4th Sunday of the 7th month of this year, I will ask a parishioner to commune me with a 24oz can of beer.

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*If I’ve not fulfilled these resolutions by December 31, 2013, I will add them to my bucket list and pray I don’t get run over by a bus before then.

H A P P Y  N E W  Y E A R

HottywoodHelps.com

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I’m a little worried about a friend of mine. He’s been depressed lately. He’s been putting up a good front as if he’s getting over his depression, but the part that scares me is that he says in recent days he’s been having dreams that’s he’s been killing people. Should I be scared?

Shaking In My Boots

Dear Shaking In My Boots,

Michael MyersThere’s a part of me that wants to be funny and tell you that you shouldn’t be scared unless he tells you he’s waking up from these dreams with a smile on his face, and then there’s the other part of me that watches the news and sees how crazy people are these days. So in answer to your question, Hell yeah you should be scared!

To be quite honest with you I don’t need (or shouldn’t have) to support my answer with any follow-up comments.

What part of the word “kill” sounds nonthreatening to you? Michael Myers didn’t laugh when he killed all those people in the movie Halloween. And nobody felt safe when he came creeping around with a big ass butcher knife. Maybe the little clown that plays in all in the Saw movies laughed, but those deaths sure as hell weren’t funny. There wasn’t a damn thing funny about the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. In fact, I bet if you saw any or all of these movies your ass was scared to go to sleep that night. So what makes you think that you shouldn’t be scared of someone you know personally who is having dreams of slaughtering the living? The fact that he’s telling you about these dreams could be a warning that your ass is first on the list to go.

I’ll tell you one thing, don’t invite me to hang out with you and him because I’d be a scared mofo!

Hottywood

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

I have a friend that always tells me he wants to screw me, but always asks for my advice in regard to his other female friends (or “hookers” as I like to call them). How should I take that? Should I be offended? I don’t think I’m romantically interested in him, yet I find myself getting jealous over conversations about [his] other girls. 

Darcy

Dear Darcy,

Man is a funny species. Generally, men think so differently than women until we stumble upon a moment or two where we don’t see what we’re doing wrong. Before you pass judgment on old boy, keep that in mind. That old saying “Forgive them Lawd; for they know not what they do” rings true here.

Double_StandardsAs a man, and this may be something you don’t want to hear, I think he’s just being honest with you when he tells you he wants to screw you. He probably does want to screw you – more than likely like a jackhammer to concrete – but is pretty confident that you aren’t going to give up any ass, so his flirting becomes a harmless game. If you’ve turned him down on more than one, two or ten occasions, he simply enjoys flirting with you and toying with the idea of covering you in fried shrimp and pouring ketchup all over your body. It’s a man’s way of saying, “You’re alright with me.”  If I were you, I’d be flattered. 

When it comes down to him asking your advice about other women, although I can understand your frustration, consider his logic. You aren’t giving up the cupcakes, are you? You have no intention of giving them up, do you? I mean after all, you did you just say you don’t think you’re romantically interested in him. It sounds to me like you guys are just friends. He can talk to you like one of the boys, although he tells you he appreciates you (or your body) like one of his hoes. This is one of those scenarios where you take that feminine mind of yours and think like a man. Don’t trip.

If you just can’t handle the heat of the kitchen, play him at his own game. Tease him. Flirt with him. And then spend a considerable amount of time bragging over or asking advice about some other dude(s). I promise you nothing will get under his skin more.

Double_Standards_2Sadly, you have to play him at his own game in order for him to see the error of his ways. Does this sound like a double standard? Probably. Because it is. I have no witty supporting comments for the double standard, that’s just the way things are in terms of the way man thinks and the difference in a woman’s perspective on [his] thoughts. Hey…no one said men are a perfect creature.

Be warned though that if you talk about some other dude to him, out of a rage of jealousy, he may either punch you in the mouth or threaten to hunt down and beat up the guy you’re harping over. Either way, he’ll feel the sting of his own stinger. And in no time you will have solved your problem. In the future he will remember how it feels to be jealous over someone else when he considers mentioning his side pieces to you. I can’t promise that he won’t come on to you any more, but if you ask me, when he stops begging to bone you is when you should really worry.

Hottywood