Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 2-8, 2011

This week your underwear may have less holes in them and you might be asked out on a date to end your dry spell.  However, you won’t know for sure until you’ve had your fortune told by the one and only Hottywood! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If crap was money, you’d be rich! You’re going to be full of two things this week: Sh*t and drama.  It’s time to suit up, champ…it’s going to be a tough week. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to have Athlete’s Foot in your left armpit.  The worst part is you’re going to spend the rest of the week trying to figure out how the hell this is possible. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Your farts will take on a personality of their own, much like Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

All of your breakfasts will taste like strained corn chips.  Try washing your mouth out with soap or brushing your teeth for a change.   

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You have something special to smile about; your deodorant hasn’t given out on you – yet.  Things are looking up.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The only answer you can muster up to anyone’s question is, “Because I said so, biatch.” Watch your back. Someone’s going to whoop your ass.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

A blessing is headed your way in the shape of an onion loaf or possum poop. It’s going to be a good week, though a little funky.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Looking at yourself in the mirror will make you realize just how allergic you are to stupid ass people.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

It’s time to take on the personality of someone else because no one likes who you really are right now. Either stop or start being an asshole. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If anyone asks you what that thing is on your lip, just tell them you were stung by a mutant bumble bee. Your secret’s safe with me. o_~

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

I would only order shrimp when eating out, if I were you.  Any other kind of meat may not be exactly what you expect it to be.  However, the food poisoning could equal some days out of work.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Life would be so different if you’d have only made the right decision when you had the chance. 

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Quote of the Week:   “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…”

 

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Pep Talk: This Too Shall Pass

I often preach that every day can’t be full of peaches and cream, and my days are no exception to the rule.  In fact, today in particular, seems to be the day when everyone wants to kick me while I’m down.  Today I’ve been talked about, lied on, challenged, rejected, and underestimated.  I gotta tell you, I don’t like this feeling.  I don’t like feeling like I’m in a constant battle with no army; feeling attacked and insecure.  Though I’m a firm believer in the motto, “THIS TOO SHALL PASS,” it ain’t over until it’s over.  And until it’s really over, the sh*t still hurts.     

Now I might feel a moment of defeat in this never-ending millisecond of a day but I’m pretty sure that when the right sized brick bounces off my noggin, reality will set in and I’ll regain my rightful place in the land of “F*ck Them All,”  …that is after the mild concussion subsides from that damn brick falling on my head.   

Even still, life is hard — some days moreso than others.  But ask yourself, “If it were easy, would it be worth it?”  I don’t think so.  My cowboy hat may not have the biggest brim and my jeans may not have the sharpest crease but I declare that the spurs on my boots are as sharp as they come and I’m still the fastest draw in the west! 

Listen; the truth of the matter is sometimes we have to get kicked – all of us, myself included.  It reminds us of how strong we are.  It also gives us a good enough reason to swing a monkey wrench.  Monkey wrenches come in handy for screwing up someone else’s plan and partaking in any form of revenge

I might feel bad now but it’s only for a moment.  A long moment but a moment nonetheless.  So keep kicking me, b*tches, so I can keep swinging this wrench!  I need the occasional reminder that my journey is worth the fight and nobody can protect me but me.  There may be nothing I don’t know but I don’t know everything.  [#Oxymoronism at its best.]  What I do know is when the troops are no longer standing behind me, I have the biggest weapon of them all watching over me from on high.  And I dare anyone to challenge that.  

As long as I’m focused on my goal, strong in my faith and have $4.55 in my pocket to buy some chicken wings when this emotional moment has passed, I’m good.  No…I’m great!  I’m blessed.  Sometimes it’s hard to remember that when times are at their lowest peak it makes the end result so much more worth the victory dance.  The best part of remembering the good news is that 90% of any effort is getting started.  

Hey, even a man with all the answers needs a little pep talk from time to time.  And I have no problem talking to myself because I am my own best listener and I make the best sense to me. 

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Quote of the week:   “Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death.”

What Doesn’t Kill Us Makes Us Stronger…Or Lucky

Let’s face it – it’s not always easy to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and move forward after soaking in a bad situation.  After dealing with the initial hits, the consequences and the post emotions, you’re pretty much left wiped out – exhausted from the energy it took to endure all the petty bullsh*t and drama.  The good news is if the situation didn’t kill you then it left you stronger.  What the hell does that mean, you may wonder?  It means you’ll be ready for the next time a situation gets rough, tough and down right seemingly impossible to deal with.  But when you’re stuck in one of those ditches, there’s one thing that you can remember that Hottywood strongly believes: NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!  

If you find yourself trapped in a sticky moment and you’re not too sure how you’re going to make it through, there are a few things that you can do to help put your mind at ease.  They may not all be easy, but nothing in life worth having is easy.  After all, if we don’t experience those sh*tty moments, how can we ever appreciate the few good ones?   Sit back, relax, listen and learn.  It’s time for Hottywood to school the clueless.  

To pull through a tough situation, you can always: 

Stop, take a seat and take a load off.  You’d be surprised at how much relief you’d feel mentally if you just release some of the sh*t back into the atmosphere. 

…not to mention how much better you’re gonna feel after that cramp in your stomach dissipates. 

…I’m  just saying. 

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Run, smack into a wall – head first.  If the impact of your face hitting the wall doesn’t completely kill you, you’ll get a sufficient amount of rest in the hospital as doctors and nurses watch over you carefully while you slumber deeply in a coma. 

That’s one way to get away from it all…just don’t go into the light. 

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Chicken wings always works when the world is against you.  Preferably cooked.   If you’re a vegetarian, how much worse off can you be eating meat than you are playing the crappy hand that life has dealt you? 

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Sometimes just saying “No,” is not an option. 

Drink until your face explodes.  Nothing says, “I feel better” more than an oversized cup of 80 proof! 

CAUTION: The pain you may feel in your heart may move into your head after a big gulp of non-virgin.

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Never underestimate the power of a giant slingshot.  It can either be your greatest weapon or your greatest chance of a quick escape!   If you choose to go the ‘slingshot as a weapon’ route, make sure you’re fully loaded with a shopping bag full of fresh puppy poop. 

I’ll let your imagination run wild with this one…

Ready.  Aim.  FIRE! 

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Put any form of aluminum on your forehead for a better brain reception.  You’re bound to come up with a brilliant idea. 

Note:  This may not be one of them.  

…but if it works for a television set, why not?

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Punching — my personal fave — always works!  If you can’t punch someone else, you might as well knock your own daylights out.  

Believe me, this will probably be easier than dealing with some of the blows that people can throw at you,  just not as much fun. 

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Whatever you choose to do to get yourself out of or over a bad situation is entirely up to you.  Whether that choice is kicking, screaming, bunjee jumping off the side of a extra tall street curb or gunning yourself down with a semi-automatic water gun, it’s not that hard to get away from it all.  The key to a great escape is creativity.  The lock is reality.  Either way 90% of any effort is getting started.  You can thank your lucky stars for that.   But don’t rely on luck too much because if nothing else, luck can be a real bitch.

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Quote of the week:   “Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 30-June 5, 2010

The holiday weekend is finally over and you’ve gained nearly seven extra pounds on your already fat ass.  Hey, you saw that coming a mile away.  You didn’t need Hottywood to know that massive weight gain was imminent.  But you will need him to tell you how to avoid the pitfalls of post hamburger buns, explosive bathroom stenches and a two-timer named “Lady Luck.” 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

The next date you go out on will remind you just how boring you are, considering you’re lucky enough to get asked out at all. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is something about a three piece and a biscuit that is oddly sexy to you.  This could spice up your social life, especially if you’re an undercover fat skank. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You will eventually find peace, but only when you get to the end of your second 40oz brewsky, on the third day of the sun’s rotation, between 12:24 and 1:37 ½ – pm. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Beneath your good spirited disposition is a backstabbing warthog whose dying to be famous and then betray everyone who helped you rise to the top.  Oh, and your socks don’t match. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Someone will accuse you of spending too much time with a kitchen appliance.  However, what you do in your spare time is nobody’s business.  Just don’t expect any company over for dinner, you freak. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Enlighten a neighbor of the many ways they can use the word “sh*t” in a sentence.  This will prove to them that you are no smarter than they’ve given you credit for. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The most magical place on Earth is not Disney Land.  It’s the public bathroom on Route 66. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You will feel useless to everyone around you except for when someone needs their trash taken out.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

This is a good week to start a new trend.  Consider hair weaves for your eyebrows to set yourself apart from all the rest.  Preferably synthetic. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Grab your own ass the next time you’re in public and moo like a cow.  If anyone looks at you strangely, hiss like a cat.  This will really confuse the hell out of them. Avoid straight jackets. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You will have no taste buds for the next three days.  There is no better time to get your freak on! 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Something in your anus will cause it to itch for the next week. On top of an irritated ass, you’ll also be cursed to walk through invisible spider webs. This is not a good week for socializing…or sh*tting. 

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Quote of the Week:     “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 2-8, 2010

So the weekend is over and now you’re worried that Karma is on its way to bite you in the ass for that dastardly prank you played on someone you deemed silly, stupid or pointless.  Let me save you some worry.  It is!  Karma is a bad mutha-shut your mouth and ALWAYS gets even.  Luckily, you have Hottywood to tell you what’s in the cards for your luck.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Be sure you have the chops to back up your lies because there are about 10 people lined up to call your bluff.  Watch out for ass whoopings. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Pimples and weight gain are an even exchange for an all cake diet. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Never make it common practice to speak without thought unless booze, stripper poles or chicken wings are present. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Learn to appreciate the little things in life – like peeing while standing up. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

All your kisses will taste like raw salmon. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You may be inclined to be careless, heartless or cold.  Relax. You’re just horny.  Visit the lubricant section of your local porno shop.    

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Something small makes way for something big tomorrow.  Company is coming in the form of acne.  Prepare to be a laughing stock.  

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Unexpressed feelings can brew into a pricey bar brawl.  If you are already a violent lush, then you have nothing to worry about. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Bushy eyebrows are a prefect way to alter an already bad look.  Hamsters are also on sale. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Speaking about your nipples in the third person will result in a very surprising outcome. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You will be on a spiritual journey toward a bright light, white throne and hand towels.  However, the heavenly choir may sound like a toilet flush echoing in the wind.  

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Someone may get the wrong impression if you wish them a safe trip over a cliff or an open window.  Who cares?  Think of only yourself.   

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Quote of the Week:     Don’t be so humble.  You are not that great.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 24-30, 2010

So this week, your underwear have less holes in them and you may be asked out on a date to end your dry spell.  However, you won’t know for sure until you’ve had your fortune told by the one and only Hottywood! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If crap was money, you’d be rich! You’re going to be full of two things this week: Sh*t and drama.  It’s time to suit up, champ…it’s going to be a tough week. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to have Athlete’s Foot in your left armpit.  The worst part is you’re going to spend the rest of the week trying to figure out how the hell this is possible. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Your farts will take on a personality of their own, much like Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

All of your breakfasts will taste like strained corn chips.  Try washing your mouth out with soap or brushing your teeth for a change.   

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You have something special to smile about; your deodorant hasn’t given out on you – yet.  Things are looking up.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The only answer you can muster up to anyone’s question is, “Because I said so, biatch.” Watch your back. Someone’s going to whoop your ass.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

A blessing is headed your way in the shape of an onion loaf or possum poop. It’s going to be a good week, though a little funky.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Looking at yourself in the mirror will make you realize just how allergic you are to stupid ass people.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

It’s time to take on the personality of someone else because no one likes who you really are right now. Either stop or start being an asshole. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If anyone asks you what that thing is on your lip, just tell them you were stung by a mutant bumble bee. Your secret’s safe with me. o_~

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

I would only order shrimp when eating out, if I were you.  Any other kind of meat may not be exactly what you expect it to be.  However, the food poisoning could equal some days out of work.

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Life would be so different if you’d have only made the right decision when you had the chance. 

___________________________________________________________

 

Quote of the Week:   “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…”

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Dec. 13-19, 2009

How much better off would you be if you could foresee and prevent funky armpits, lousy lays and stressful workdays?  Here’s your chance to find out!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Cats in heat will cry and whine every night this week, but only when you get good into a deep sleep.  Ear plugs, sound proof padding and shot guns will be of no use to you.  Try not to cut your ears off. 

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                                                                                                                                        Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

All of your bills will be due on any day you have no money at all.  Holding up a liquor store will cross your mind more than once.  Steer clear of police cars and news reporters.  Your left profile is your best side. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You will be groped by a one-armed midget who is seemingly stuck in the Victorian ages.  Buy a miniature bazooka.  It packs the perfect punch for a feisty pint size. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Your feet will stink so badly this week that you will lose a couple of friends.  Don’t worry, those particular friends talked about you behind your back anyway.  You should be happy that you have stinky feet.  It helped get rid of bad baggage.  However, romance is not in the stars for you.   

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Keep an extra pair of shoes in your carrying bag.  You’re going to step in a lot of sh*t this week.  Avoid puppies and panda bears.  Good luck! 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You will spit on everyone you speak to this week.  Don’t be surprised if someone punches you in the nose while screaming the words, “Say it; don’t spray it!”  Actions speak louder than words.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

All of your shirts/blouses will have holes in the armpits.  You will not be raising your hand because you will not be so sure.  Try bathing in bleach.  If that doesn’t work, wrap yourself in aluminum foil and start a new fashion trend. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Santa Claus is having an affair with the Easter bunny, which means this Christmas season is looking a little grim for you.  Everyone is getting laid except you.  Don’t listen to any music that has the lyrics, “…I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus.”

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Slow down, pace yourself and watch your back.  Leave the burgers alone and get your fat ass on a treadmill.  You’ll never get into that bathing suit if you keep super sizing it.  You’ll probably start drinking or smoking this week, if you don’t already. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

All of your coffee will be bitter no matter how much sugar you may add.  Hold your breath until you turn blue to see if that changes your perception of taste.  At least in the hospital, you’ll have an option of apple juice or orange. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Your computer will crash and your cell phone will die, leaving you dumbfounded to the notion of old school communication.  Get reacquainted with the power of the pen.  If that doesn’t work, get two Styrofoam cups and a long piece of string.  It’ll be a hassle, but a miracle worker.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If you are a naturally born or surgically altered male Sagittarius, all of the zippers in your trousers will stick, exposing your pecker.  This may be a good week for late night creeps and unexpected sale prices.  Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. 

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Quote of the Week:    “Life is a big ass wheel.  What’s down today will be up tomorrow.  In the meantime, it won’t kill you to carry around a few extra stink bombs to ease your frustrations.”  

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