Writing a New Chapter

For all of you who are looking forward to this week’s Hottywood’s HORRORscopes, sadly I must disappoint you with some bitter-sweet news. 

You know how business moguls get to vacation in St. Tropez and schzmuuuschz with other executives and high-banking celebrities?  Well that’s exactly what I’m doing — only different

While seeking a little much needed R&R is in order, I’m busy exploring new dreams; new visions; and dare I say, new catastrophies — to look deeper into destiny’s mossy swamps and rare flowers.   I’m delving into new adventures; new fates; and new creepy lessons to be learned. 

The mysteries of tomorrow is a blank page waiting to be seduced by a ball-point pen.  …and well, my scandal-seeking friends — we all know I aim to please! 

All for you and the sake of witty entertainment, I — with the help of some of my very talented Hottylicious friends — am busting chops to bring three little winches named Karma, Fate and Lady Luck, to a desk or laptop near you, by way of a ground-breaking series — Hottywood Helps: The Webisode! 


For the first time ever, you’ll not only get to read about the scandals that take place in the Hills of Hottywood, you’ll get to see it for yourself.


But don’t pack your bags just yet, kids.  We’re still getting the city ready for your grand tour.  Patience, young grasshoppers.  “Patience” is the name of this game.   



Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 26-October 2, 2010

If there’s one thing you should know it’s in what direction your luck may go.  Whether left or right or right or wrong, in stinky bloomers or uncomfortable thongs.  The week begins with a fall of rain and all weekend fun is now down the drain.  You may be surprised at what comes your way but with a little help you can play it safe.  If you remember one thing and nothing else, never forget that Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.



December 22 – January 19 

No amount of heat will be enough to get the wrinkles out of any of your shirts.  Carry a paper cup for spare change, you bum. 



January 20 – February 18

For seven days, you will either be profusely sweaty or profusely gassy. 



February 19 – March 20   

You might be in control over your own destiny, but you have no control over a shady bitch named Karma. 



March 21 – April 19 

Carrying a rabbit’s foot may be lucky for you as long as you don’t pay attention to the fact that you’re carrying the luck of that poor dead legless bunny. 



April 20 – May 20 

You will stutter and spit every time a pigeon flaps its wings.



May 21 – June 20 

People will only understand you if you speak in “baby talk.”  Babies will just look at you like you’re stupid.



June 21 – July 22 

Bathing in boiled potato water just may change the outcome of your day.  The question remains, “For better or for worse?”



July 23 – August 22 

A great hooker once said, “You have to give in order to get.” 



August 23 – September 22 

Having multiple personalities will come in handy when you drive in the HOV lane during rush hour. 



September 23 – October 22 

By complete accident, you will ask one too many questions and receive a priceless punch in the lower lip area. 



October 23 – November 21 

One of your greatest strengths is being the only one not invited to any parties. 



November 22 – December 21   

If someone tells you you’re the spitting image of Tevin Campbell, they’re not complimenting you. 


Quote of the Week:   “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

You Are Your Own Funniest Joke

How many times do you wake up in the morning and roll out of bed, only to be awakened by the sound of your heavy ass body hitting the floor?  What about tripping up the escalator stairs as you come out of the subway station, running late for work, of course?  Dare you recount the number of times you couldn’t hold in that last bit of gas after wolfing down any value meal from the McDonald’s menu?  Though the average person may point their fingers and laugh at your clumsy or greedy ass, it saves you a red face if you can just learn to laugh at yourself.  Sure, sometimes you’d much rather stick your head in a deep hole like an ostrich in order to avoid certain types of embarrassment, but if you can’t find humor in your own mistakes then you damn sure have no right to point out the mistakes of others.  And everyone agrees that it’s fun to point out the mistakes of others.  Even if you don’t concur verbally, your inner “real person” would agree, as he/she reminds you of that one time where you were rightfully so the butt of the joke. 

Being clumsy may be something to laugh at, but it’s also something to smile about.  There are way too many people who take themselves [and life] too seriously.  Every now and then you should be reminded that your ass is stupid, lazy, clutzy, greedy or gassy.  It’s what makes you normal – whatever your definition of normal is.  If by normal, you think “farting in church during a silent prayer,” then go for it!  Sometimes no one around you will find your faults funny, but that’s all the more reason to laugh – in that case, at everyone else for not seeing the sense of humor in life…and the noise your butt makes when you accidentally poot in public.  Just hope Jesus finds it equally as funny come judgment day. 

Life is filled with “oops” moments.  For instance, forgetting to put on underwear and having a gust of wind expose your ass crack for all to see.  Most people would call you a skank, skeez, or whore.  However, there are some people who would commend you for being so openly slutty and would probably wink, smile or secretly toss their phone numbers at you on a wrinkled up napkin.  Another example is if you accidentally get a hard on at the beach when seeing some fine piece of hump-lay run past you, jiggling in all the right places.  Once again, there’s a perfect opportunity for someone to laugh at you for being so damn horny.  If you’re really confident in yourself, the joke will be on them when you stand at full attention and leave the beach hand in hand with someone who got all moist inside for checking you out from afar!  Whether you’re a clutz or a freak, just remember the wise words of the great Michael Jackson, “You Are Not Alone.”    

Whatever the reason anyone may have for acknowledging just how much of an idiot you are, laughing at yourself will ease the humiliation of being the talked-about loser that no one wants to be around.  Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and it keeps on laughing.  All it takes is a little effort.  And 90% of any effort is getting started.  The bottom line is, if everyone around is going to be laughing at you, you might as well be in on the joke.


Quote of the week:   “Be thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of your nose.”

Hottywood Makes Headlines, Baby!

There comes a point in life where few of many celebrities hit it big.   How do they know when they’ve arrived?  When their names have been splattered all over the hottest gossip magazines in the country, of course!  Enter America’s newest publication, “Hottywood SCOOP!”  The magazine that just can’t get enough of the bloggisphere’s biggest celebrity sensation — Hottywood Helps

Young Hollywood has NOTHING on the hills of Hottywood. 

***   ***   ***   ***   ***

You’re probably asking, “What’s the point of this post?”   Well the answer is quite simple and sits right in front of your blind ass face.  

MORAL:  Make the world your center stage.  If you don’t treat yourself like a star, no one else will.  And while you’re stepping on bad weaves and bald heads to rise to the top, don’t worry about those folks who talk about you along the way.  The worry should come into play when those very same people stop talking about you.  So if you’re going to be “IT,” be the best at it!   Don’t forget to keep a very positive “EFF YOU” attitude!  It’s guaranteed to be your 8 ball in the side pocket. 

Remember, 90% of any effort is getting started. 


Quote of the week:   “You may want what you want when you want it, but you can’t always get what you want when you want it unless you have a really big bazooka, some maskin tape and a wad of gum.” 

How to Spice Up an Office Staff Meeting

Are your office staff meetings a major snooze fest?  Of course they are, but they don’t have to be.  After all, what’s an office without a little humor – excluding the office jerk you love to gossip about and laugh at?  Although it’s true that no business will ever be successful without a few hundred meetings per day week, there’s no reason why you can’t have fun while hoping your ears suddenly fall off, as you listen to the agenda of items that have absolutely nothing to do with your particular work load.  Here are a few ideas to help spruce things up the next time your director calls an all-hands staff meeting.  Keep in mind that some of your colleagues may not have the same kind of warped humor as you do.  Most of your colleagues probably will have no sense of humor at all, which will make these ideas all the more enjoyable for you.  Nothing says funny like the look of shock and disgust on someone else’s face.  Humor, at the expense of others, is the best form of flattery!  

The proper way to start off any meeting and call attention to yourself is to compliment the supervisor.  It’s key to remember that if you don’t have anything nice to say, say it anyway.  You’re opinion and honesty will either be appreciated or reprimanded.  Either way, it will never be forgotten.  


If the compliments turn out to be total duds, grab your neighbor by the chin and French kiss them passionately.  Try not to think of bothersome little things like bad breath or mono – that’ll just kill the mood.  Be aware that you may develop some sort of reputation once the interoffice romantic scene is over, however take comfort in knowing that you may not be employed long enough to care.  


Be apart of the meeting.  Though sleeping is good, and snoring is better, people will appreciate your participation.  Suggest a few policy changes beginning with replacing the water in the water cooler with beer.  If you really want to make an impression, be intoxicated at the time of your presentation.  The more your reek of alcohol the better!  


Some employers are against the discussion of salaries among their employees.  Something about confidentiality or some stupid sh*t along those lines, but what do they know?  You can talk about salary all you want, especially if you feel you’re overqualified and underpaid for the job you perform.


It’s always a good idea to figure out ways to connect with your officemates a little more closely.  Any suggestion of more hands-on opportunities is always a big hit.  Don’t be afraid to speak up; don’t be afraid to be unconventional; and don’t be afraid of how others interpret your ideas.  Chances are they are thinking the same thoughts as you but are just too chicken sh*tted to verbalize them publicly.  


It’s very possible that some of your ideas may be a bit too radical for some people’s taste.  If so, don’t fret.  There’s a high probability that you’ll be excused from the meeting, and in some cases escorted out of the building by security.  Don’t let that deter you from being a part of the team.  Just press your face against the window and listen in from the outside.  Your colleagues will be impressed with your determination once they get over being freaked out by your psychotic antics.  


There’s one important rule that you must never ever forget.  “Nobody likes a quitter!”  Once you’ve been escorted out of the building by security and chased by a hoard of disgruntled employees, there’s always more than one way to get back to your desk, but you have to be cognizant that your coworkers may not be too pleased with your stealthy return.  All doors will be blocked with people waiting to crown you with a loaded stapler.  When in doubt, jump out of the nearest window, but not before letting out the most explosive and offensive fart your ass muster up!  Making such a dramatic exit will surely give the office something to talk about at the next staff meeting.  Don’t worry, they’ll miss you when you’re gone and will probably come to visit you at the funny farm.  


If you stick to these guidelines, I guarantee you’ll never have to worry about another dull staff meeting again.  Some of the ideas may be a little far fetched, but what fun is life without a little spontaneity?  It doesn’t take much to be the life of the party – nothing more than a little bit of alcohol, Mary Jane and a small amount of effort, and 90% of any effort is getting started. 


Quote of the week:   “Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.”