Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 26-October 2, 2010

If there’s one thing you should know it’s in what direction your luck may go.  Whether left or right or right or wrong, in stinky bloomers or uncomfortable thongs.  The week begins with a fall of rain and all weekend fun is now down the drain.  You may be surprised at what comes your way but with a little help you can play it safe.  If you remember one thing and nothing else, never forget that Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

No amount of heat will be enough to get the wrinkles out of any of your shirts.  Carry a paper cup for spare change, you bum. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For seven days, you will either be profusely sweaty or profusely gassy. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You might be in control over your own destiny, but you have no control over a shady bitch named Karma. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Carrying a rabbit’s foot may be lucky for you as long as you don’t pay attention to the fact that you’re carrying the luck of that poor dead legless bunny. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will stutter and spit every time a pigeon flaps its wings.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

People will only understand you if you speak in “baby talk.”  Babies will just look at you like you’re stupid.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Bathing in boiled potato water just may change the outcome of your day.  The question remains, “For better or for worse?”

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A great hooker once said, “You have to give in order to get.” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Having multiple personalities will come in handy when you drive in the HOV lane during rush hour. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

By complete accident, you will ask one too many questions and receive a priceless punch in the lower lip area. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

One of your greatest strengths is being the only one not invited to any parties. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If someone tells you you’re the spitting image of Tevin Campbell, they’re not complimenting you. 

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Quote of the Week:   “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

The Office Idiot: Why Stupid People Get Hired & Not Fired

Raise your hand if you’re privileged enough to work with someone you deem as “stupid.”  What makes them stupid?  Is it the questions they ask that make absolutely no sense?  Is it the completely idiotic jOffice_Idiot_2okes they tell?  Is it the fact they are supposed to be the expert in their field, yet they have no idea what in the hell they are really doing?  Let’s face it – every office has one stupid person in it.  So why is it that the most qualified person for the job is the one who gets passed up or canned? 

So many of us smart people have been asking this question since we were old enough to work.  The average person would think that stupid people get hired for jobs because smart people don’t apply, but whether you work in a Fortune 500 corporation or a fast food restaurant, the answer to this question is simple.  Stupid people are hired because every office or business has a SP quota that they need to fill.  What is “SP” you ask?  Duh….STUPID PEOPLE! 

STUPID QUOTEThe SP Quota is an unwritten statement that was inducted into the widely known Equal Employment Opportunity Act of 1995.  It’s unwritten because the person who thought of it was too stupid to include it in the bill when congressed passed the EEO laws 15 years ago, either for fear of public stir or sheer stupidity.  Whatever the reason, the non-genius didn’t realize was how much of an impact this unwritten law would have on the stupid people of America. 

Stupid people come in all shapes, sizes, and colors.  And though they couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag, they bring a certain decorum to every office.  They disguise themselves in fancy clothes and pretty smiles and usually have the best Confusedmanners, but if you look at their job performance they are nothing more than employees paid to look pretty or fill an empty desk.  These dim-witted nincompoops are not completely useless however, contrary to what you may believe.   They serve a purpose for brighter employees that includes, but are not limited to practicing insults, target practice and back-stabbing.  In a simple case scenario, an intelligent worker will ask the opinion of the brainless, take their answer and do the complete opposite, usually bringing forth a remarkable result to the initial inquiry.  Because these people are so good at being stupid, they are none the wiser to the formula that ranks their intelligence level at the bottom of the office community food chain.    In fact, the more stupid a person is, the greater their chances are to be hired. 

Let’s take a look at a few examples of some of the dumb sh*t people actually put on their resumes and explore what this person is really trying to say.  Keep in mind that none of this is made up. People really did put this bullsh*t on their resumes or job applications.

  •  It’s best for employers that I not work with people.   – Translation: I am mean, untrustworthy and will eat your lunch if you leave it in the office refrigerator. I also drink and smoke a little pot. 
  • My fortune cookie said, “Your next interview will result in a job.” And I like your company in particular.  – Translation: I don’t read books because the words are too big. 
  • I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.   – Translation: I will be consistently late for work until the day you receive a phone call from the police or a hospital. 
  • Graduated in the top 66% of my class.   – Translation: There is absolutely nothing about me that will set me apart from anyone else.  I am average and ordinary and you will probably forget my name within the first week that I am hired. 

These are perfect examples of people who should be hired for a job – because they would provide the best forms of entertainment for any office. 

Office_IdiotOffice mates can throw paper clips at stupid people.  They can play pranks on them and never get caught by their employers.  They can dump all of the work they feel are too menial for them to do and then suggest that the stupid person be reprimanded when the job is incomplete or performed incorrectly.  Stupid people are the best people to insult, gossip about and lie on.  They provide comedic relief for the rest of us who really matter.  Some are stupid by nature, others by association.  No matter what level of stupid they are, they are worth having around because they will be the ones most likely to not be invited to office parties, but will be expected to clean up once the party is over. 

Be warned that most stupid people do not take the job they are applying for as seriously as they do their after-hours drinking.  Case in point, the guy in the clip below:

…so if you imply to a stupid person that they are in fact stupid, they are liable to drag you in a dark alley and beat the living sh*t out of you.  One thing a stupid person is smart about is not getting caught whooping your ass. 

So there you have it – a complete understanding of why stupid people are hired and why most are not fired.  

Having said that, I’d better grab my keys and go.  I insulted our office idiot just this morning and I’m now watching her stand very closely to my car with a brick in one hand and a match in the other.  So kids, feel free to stop by and check me out anytime, as long as it’s no time before 11am.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone any time before then, I’ll cut your ass.  I so will. 

Until later my little Ethiopian honey-dipped sesame seeds!  Remember – 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:     “Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.”