Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 24-30, 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Welcome to Monday, where 9 o’clock has no end.

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If no one wants to get close to you today, it’s probably because you bear an unsettling resemblance to an archery target.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Using two hands to lift a sword leaves your chest wide open. 

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Every secret has its clues. 

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

You generally expect too much for too little which usually makes people think your ass is cheap.

 

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Someone is going to tell you something “they” said.  Instead of focusing on what was said, you will spend more time stressing out over who the hell “they” are. 

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

If the silent treatment is the last conversation you’ve had with your enemy, when conflict arises you’ve already begun dialogue.  

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Disappointment builds character.  So does a baseball bat, depending on which end of the bat you’re standing on.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Most people consider you to be kind and apologetic and knows that you make other people problems your own.  In translation you are a big sucker.  Man up, wuss! 

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You are selfish and greedy and often times fall asleep while having sex.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Your best friend is the perfect son of a bitch which probably makes you two a pair in a pod.  But who the hell cares what people think, except all those folks who think you are just like your best friend?_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A soft behind fears thin ice. 

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

“A frown is just a smile standing on its head,” would make perfect sense if our feet and our heads were in reverse positions. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “Skydiving is the last thing you should be doing when quoting the limerick, “if at first you don’t succeed…” 

Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle Sunday Worship Guide

Sunday, July 17, 2011

12:07 pm 

El gran libro de los tacos gratis por un dólar noventa y cinco

Page 129, 1st Verse:  Satan gave me a taco. 

   
Call to Worship, Invocation…………………… Pastor Shugart Do Right Puss Bump
   
Processional……………………………………… Give It To Me Right Senior Choir & 6” High Heel Chorus
   
Selection………………………………………….. Give It To Me Right Senior Choir
   
Scripture Reading……………………………… Heratio Fellatio Jenkins, Jr.

Book of Dru Hill 1:16 ~ Somebody’s Sleeping in My Bed (KJV)

   
Prayer……………………………………………… Sister Nita Mindyo Bidness
   
Welcome………………………………………….. Elder Eunice “Granny Cakes” Wilya PooPoo
   
Church Announcements………………………. Gabby Gossip, Church Clerk
   
Selections………………………………………… 6” High Heel Chorus featuring The Heaven’s Gates Pitbull Band
   
Tithes and Offering…………………………….. Brother Day Day and the Get Back Crew
   
Offertory Prayer/Response………………….. Deacon Pimp Gigolo
   
Meditational Solo……………………………….. LaQuisha ShaQuan Odell Muhfukin Palmer

“There’s a Place in Hell Even for Me” 

 

Gospel Message……………………………….. Pastor Shugart Do Right Puss Bump
   
2nd Offering for the Feed the First Family So They Never Have to Spend Their Own Money in the Grocery Store Fund……………………… Pastor’s Aide Ministry,   Brother Carl BeatUDown, President
   
Invitation to Discipleship…………………….. Pastor Shugart Do Right Puss Bump and the Minister’s Mistresses of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle
   
Benediction……………………………………… Pastor Shugart Do Right Puss Bump

 *Chicken wings and french fries served in the lower auditorium for a small fee of a $6.95 free-will offering (plus tax). Jumbo iced-tea lemonade mix not included.* 

↓ 

**CHURCH ANNOUNCEMENTS** 

Special Notice: Free Will Offering

There will be a $5.00 minimum cover charge for all meals served under the Free Will Offering Meals on Wheels program to get new spinners for Mother May’s 10 speed bike and training wheels.  All meals will still be served at the corner of 5th and Stank, between the Laundromat and Sam’s Carwash. 

-Mother Beatrice My Man’s a Ho Mays, MMBT Meals on Wheels, Chairperson

_____________________________________________________________ 

 Mass Choir Rehearsal

Thursday, July 28, 2011

All choirs are asked to meet at Roscoe’s Poles and Holes next Thursday instead of the church sanctuary.  The church is being evaluated for new disco balls and therefore must be vacant during evaluation consultation.  Members are asked to brush their teeth before showing up for rehearsal because the facility is kind of small. 

-Briefcase Daddy O., Minister of Music

_____________________________________________________________

Ice Cream Social

Friday, July 29, 2011

The Youth Department, aka, Young Hoodlums in Training, will hold an ice cream social for all persons who are not as big as cows and do not have an intolerance for dairy products.  Be advised that those who violate the stipulations of the invite will burn in hell.

-MMBT Youth Department

_____________________________________________________________ 

Special Prayer Request

Please remember in prayer all persons who get caught stealing credit cards and use them to illegally sell gasoline to bystanders at the gas station in return for dollars to later hit up the liquor store for fabricated communion indulgence.  There has been a string of occurrences near the pump station over by Roscoe’s Poles and Holes.  

_____________________________________________________________ 

Bout Damn Time Health Ministry

The ministry of fat asses will meet next Tuesday at 7pm.  Please enter through the double doors at the side street entrance. 

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

 **Let us all remember that a church that prays together stays together.**

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 17-23, 2011

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Avoid making big commitments to little people who wear white socks and sandals and carry two last names. They aren’t to be trusted.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This week you will suffer the fate of itching in places you can not reach to scratch.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You can be as full of yourself as you want to be, but to everyone else you will still be full of %@#!

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

If you think someone is dumber than you thought, next time you should think they’re dumber than you think.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

It’s just as bad to live beneath your privilege as it is to live beyond your means.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Those who live in glass houses should change clothes in the basement.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The second you hold all the cards your opponent will decide to play chess.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

A strip club will either be the answer to all your problems or the beginning of them.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Don’t let silence be the last thing you say.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

The hard part about doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Your powers of persuasion works on everyone except bill collectors and goldfish.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your best qualities are your ram-like eyebrows, smug expression and ability to do all the wrong stuff without discussing it openly.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “Only the IRS has what it takes to take what you’ve got.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 10-16, 2011

What would you give if you could see the crap that happens before 3[:00]? Today’s solutions to tomorrow’s worries; a heating pad for tomorrow’s flurries. Eyes to look into the future to block bad luck’s hold. An ass to tell it to kiss with bravery so bold. 

Well this, my friend, is your lucky day cause I’m here to tell ya you can. With a little help from these HORRORscopes, tomorrow’s sh*t is now in your hands.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

May he who is without sin be a rolling stone.

   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Today is your lucky day. At this very moment congress is passing a bill that views chocolate chip brownies as breakfast food.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Drowning from trying to save your own reflection in deep waters proves to be really brave or really stupid.

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Don’t be surprised by a surprise Friday pop quiz on Thursday.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Give a burglar your money so he doesn’t steal it.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Someone is going to leave your telephone number on the walls of a Burger King bathroom.

 _________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Something big is going to happen 1,000 bread slices from today.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

There is nothing wrong with acting childlike but a whole lot wrong with acting childish.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Your relationship is either a match made in heaven or a match made in Taiwan.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

If you dig a ditch, you might as well dig two, because the ditch you dig just might reserved for yourself.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

It’s better not to do than say you will and don’t. There are names for people like that – Liar.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The scriptures you quote are just words if you don’t practice what you preach. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”    

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 3-9, 2011

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

50% of your bad attitude stems from finding inadequate parking at the grocery store. 47% is constipation and 3% is because your underwear are too tight.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You are secretly being stalked by a clown college valedictorian who was released from prison two weeks ago. 

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Somewhere in the world, a Mexican Texas mocking bird loses its voice every eight bars of a fat lady’s song each time you tell a lie to someone you don’t know. 

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

People might think you’re weird if the seat of your pants crunches like a bag of Doritos every time you walk.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

No matter how many times you do laundry, deodorant will cling to the outer-stitch underarm pits of all your black t-shirts.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Your pinky toenail will snag on every pair of socks you own – even the ones that have holes in them.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your feet will sweat as if you’ve stepped into a puddle of pothole water.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Everything you say will sound like the teacher from Charlie Brown.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

In every battle, there is a hero on both sides.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

You will have a major case of déjà vu. You will have a major case of déjà vu.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Any door a key won’t open, a crow bar and a wad of gum will.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your blessing is your curse. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “While some people will not admit their age, others won’t act it.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of June 26-July 2, 2011

At the very moment the sun closed its eyes to sleep the moon brought out the freakiest of freaks. Freaks disguised as people to whom money you owe and that whiny coworker whose ink pen you stole. They plotted all week to get you stuck in a love triangle with karma and luck. What happens next can only be told through the scribes of a scroll as it slowly unfolds.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19  

People will be able to look at your eyebrows and tell if your underwear are too tight.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

It is your concern when your neighbor’s wall is on fire.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The universe will use you as a guinea pig to test the theory of finding luck in a pigeon crapping on your head.

 _________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Escape a sticky situation by answering a question with a question. You will sound more convincing if you speak in Pig Latin and a Jamaican accent.  

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You feel like your life is going nowhere right now, and you’re probably right. But the guy sitting next to you is going nowhere a hell of a lot faster, so you’re all good.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You only got dressed this morning because you had to. If anyone asks, the electric company turned your lights off and you dressed yourself in the dark. 

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A very nice gentlemen will show up at your door step with a sheriff and about twenty furniture movers. Things might get ugly. Bake cookies.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

The stars have foreseen and it would appear that in your next life you will be a Walmart cashier.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The only thing you can answer that never asks any questions is a telephone.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

If you want to sh!t at ease put your elbows on your knees.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

They say there’s only one month that has 28 days. Technically, that’s a lie.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of June 12-18, 2011

Welcome to another edition of you know what.  Some things may look bad but there’s always a “but.”  A bright side at the end of a tunnel so dark.  The only way to see it through is to be ready from start.

When you’ve run up against odds you can’t face yourself, in a breath; in a psalm, Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

It’s bad luck to bathe in the sink of any Golden Corale bathroom.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Beware of anyone who goes to the salon to get their unibrow curled. 

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

All of your white socks will look brown in the wrong light. 

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Everyone will know when you’re lying because your voice will be strangely out of sync with your lips.   

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The roots of your hair will itch like it’s being attacked with a bag of paperclips. _________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Your perceptions of man should not be based on your own faulty shortcomings.   

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but what good is a right if it’s done for the wrong reason? 

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Silent farts aren’t really silent.  They come out at a frequency only dogs can hear.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

There’s no need to wonder if what you say is dumb.  Everything you say will sound as if you’re speaking with a mouthful of caramel.  Everything sounds dumb.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Every time you tap a key on a keyboard, a gypsy lightening bug is kidnapped and sold on the black market. 

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Only a wise man would put popcorn in his pancakes to make them flip by themselves. 

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Anyone who blows you a kiss really doesn’t want to touch your lips.   

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “Be lazy in everything except for loving, drinking and being lazy.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of June 5-11, 2011

It wouldn’t be right if everything was right.  So if everything is right, something’s wrong.  Live in the now but be ready for next; for you have entered tomorrow just now.

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If you lie three times on Thursday, you will be dipped in hamburger meat, handcuffed to a postman and serve as a canine diversion on his mail run.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Even when game has pulled the wool over your eyes and everything is as dark as it seems, there is always a bright side. 

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Chewing potato chips while talking to someone on the phone causes cancer. 

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Someone is really into you and plays the game of cat and mouse very well.  Intriguingly enough for the chase but not so for the catch.   

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Man can not survive off the fat of the land alone. _________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Don’t open every door that knocks because you never know who is standing on the other side.   

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Waiting for someone to throw the first punch may be morally correct but it’s realistically stupid…and potentially painful. 

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Free yourself from stress by being an asshole to someone else.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

There’s more to life than having everything.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

You can never get enough of what you don’t need to make you happy. 

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk.  That’ll teach you to keep your mouth shut. 

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You can resist everything but temptations.   

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “Always give 100% at work:

  • Monday – 13%
  • Tuesday – 22%
  • Wednesday – 26%
  • Thursday – 35%
  • Friday – 4%” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 29-June 4, 2011

Who knows what the week has in store for you. Maybe a big fat pay day or a big ass boo-boo. One thing is for sure that I know without a doubt. Half the thrill of the battle is waiting to see how things turn out.

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Give yourself the option of not making losing an option.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The soul of a boy trapped in the body of a man is a double bladed sword. 

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Falling on your ass makes you appreciate standing on your feet. 

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

By a gerbil.  Name it Bitch.  That way you’ll have a legitimate reason for telling people you have to go home to feed your bitch.   

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Winning is everything when you have everything to lose. _________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

It’s not good if you have enough hair on your knees to grate cheese.   

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Only a true friend would advise a pal against getting corn-rows when he has a bald spot in the crown of his head. 

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Consider it bad luck to mistake a pooper scooper for your hair brush.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Answer all phone calls using sign language.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

All the things you are unclear about will be just as confusing at the end of the day. 

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Do not plan on getting hit by a moving bus without giving your job two weeks notice, first. 

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your chance of dying on your way to get a lottery ticket is greater than your chances of winning.   

_________________________________________________________

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 22-28, 2011

You need your five basic senses to face your week:

  1. Sight: You’ve got to be able to spot bullsh*t a mile away.
  2. Sound: All the things people don’t say are the things you want to hear.
  3. Smell: Not everyone can be trusted.  You’ve got to be able to smell a rat.
  4. Touch: Everyone should know what it feels like to have a door slammed in their face.
  5. Taste: There is nothing sweeter than the taste of victory.

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

As a general rule, you should not be the first person to answer a question.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is a cliff at the end of every mile you take from the inch someone gives you. 

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are an example of what might happen if you box in a ring without head gear. 

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

You can save a lot of time getting ready for work in the morning by showering with your clothes on.  Although the wet look is totally washed out.   

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There are two things you should always remember: (1) where you came from; and (2) you can’t always afford to leave the way you came. _________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Discovering you’ve had too much of a good thing is either a let down or a blessing in disguise.  Depends on which way your eyes are crossed.   

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A smart celebrity is getting paid to look stupid for a couple of months while your dumb ass continues to do it for free. 

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

You learn the most valuable lessons when you get caught breaking the rules.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Go to the barber or stylist whose hair looks the most raggety.  They have so many clients they don’t have time to keep themselves up.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

No one wants to be around you today because the fragrance you’re wearing smells like wet puppy fur. 

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Everyone you talk to today will speak one of two languages: (1) pig latin or (2) nonsense. 

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The only thing that’s free in this world is salvation.  And that’s only because someone paid it all when He died for your sins.   

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “It’s a damn shame, and even worse, if your Sunday communion is a sip of the devil’s nectar.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: May 15-21, 2011

The week usually begins with something witty to say.  Alas every day this week will feel like Monday. And when those days get to feeling like this, the only thing that comes to mind are the words, “oh sh*t!”

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

A bullsh*tter will tell you a whole bunch of nothing.  What they don’t say is what you want to hear.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your private parts will wreak of smelly feet for 48 hours.  

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Wear a cape tomorrow.  The back of your pants will stick to your butt like envelope glue.  

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Sometimes you need distance to get close. 

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Not many people are willing to give you the fruits of their labor if you have nothing to bring to the table. _________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Being out of control upon entering another man’s house only shows how much order you have in  your own. 

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

How much is it worth if you look good but there’s nothing good about you? 

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Not every blessing is meant to be shared because you aren’t strong enough to prevent the devil from taking it away.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You haircut makes you look like the mayor of a small mexican town.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Appreciate laughter except when it comes out of your nose. 

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Only a wise ass or a dumb man can validate “1” and “1” totalling eleven. 

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The phrase, “dropping the ball,” has nothing to do with what’s inside a man’s pants. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “What do you call a dog with no legs?  It doesn’t matter.  He isn’t going to come.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 1-7, 2011

This week will be a joy ride and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Watching episodes of ‘90210’ doesn’t give you street cred.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

It’s not wise to wear a suit made of metal on a day that it rains. 

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A donkey’s lips do not fit onto a horse’s mouth. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

It’s better to be a ‘used to be’ than a ‘wanna be’ because most ‘wanna bes’ quickly become ‘has beens.’ 

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The holes in your socks have a bigger reputation than you do. _________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

No chicken has any business hanging out with a bunch of turkeys. 

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You have a lot to learn about eating spaghetti with your fingers. 

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Stooping low is the best way to spy.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Breaking wind is natural.  It’s called “butt-belching.”

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

A social event that involves an intellectual discussion about foot sweat concealed in a ziploc bag will occur. 

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Today you are feeling especially sensual and passionate.  Go to the grocery store and squeeze some melons.  All eyes and handcuffs will be on you.   

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Everyone tells you that you must learn to laugh at yourself, which means there can’t be any harm in laughing at other people. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “Change is good.  Changing your socks is necessary.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of 17-23, 2011

To you it may seem the worst is the first but to Karma, it’s a thrill; a quench for a thirst.   You worry and rant and run and hide, trying to escape the voices inside.  It’s not so easy as you will see but lucky for you, you have me.

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Your next fast food meal will be prepared by a butch transvestite who has a fetish for bacon and possums.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anyone who tells you, “Rome wasn’t built in a day,” deserves a dummy smack on the forehead with a rubberband. 

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Just because someone talks too much about a fictional character on a first date doesn’t mean they’re not marriage material. o_O 

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

You will be attacked by a pansexual hermaphrodite who has a fetish for public bathrooms and makes spit bubbles when he speaks. 

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

This is not your week for socializing.  A full moon causes you to be about as much fun as a negative pregnancy test. _________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Compliment someone on their left boob and give it a pet name. 

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

One of your ideas will be challenged by someone who spends a considerable amount of time having hairs removed from their toe knuckles. 

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Your name is another word for an uncircumcised European.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Beware of anyone who wears heavy makeup and has the dual personality of Ronald McDonald and The Joker.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

There is nothing more entertaining than watching a bipolar goldfish. 

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The love of your next life will live out of the trunk of their car. 

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A homeless man will make a deal with you; break it; and then steal from you. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “If anyone ever told you that you weren’t normal, hopefully they were right.  Normal isn’t exactly interesting, is it?”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 10-16, 2011

Last week was crazy, that’s for sure.   Full of haters, doubters and people immature.   Now with the onset of a brand new week we look for luck and love and a lot of chicken wings to eat.  Preferably wings that have no feathers attached; but sometimes the smallest thing is too much to ask. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The bible says it’s not a good idea to let an illegal alien from Home Depot choke you while you touch yourself.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A belly button is a place to keep salt when you want to eat celery in bed. 

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

When a situation gets bad, squint real hard until everything looks like boobs. 

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Being an intolerable, judgmental extremist will take you in one of two directions, both leading to the emergency room. 

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

A bad night at the club may lead to the phrase, “The Lord is my shepherd but you’re my ride home.” 

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Someone who you’d never imagine could enlighten you on the one thing you know the most about will have a unibrow. 

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Any problem can be solved with an arm wrestle. 

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Both the warranty and the engine of your car will out at the same time.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Every time you hear the word “schmageggi,” you will have a sudden urge to go to the bathroom.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Place your bet on anyone who will strip for potato chips. 

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

On Thursday, your hair will thin until there’s nothing left but a bald spot that’s only noticeable when you stand at the bottom of the stairs. 

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Don’t wear deotorant for three days and the person you don’t want to be bothered with will suddenly disappear. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “Weirdos you can trust.  It’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 3-9, 2011

What do we hate more than liars and cheaters and people who are pressed?  More than double-crossers and people who are above the rest?  More than people who stink and are filled with doubt?  The only thing worse is not knowing how the week will turn out. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Today you have officially reached the KMA [Kiss My Ass] age.  _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The need to wear green underwear all week is because green represents luck. And your need for luck is about as obvious as a whale peddling a bike. 

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Be careful of reading the right speech from the wrong page. 

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Mexican prostitutes expose themselves in unwashed windows. 

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Nothing is more dangerous than a rich bitch who fiends for a low life. 

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

All crowded elevators smell differently to midgets. 

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Man who drops his watch in toilet has a sh*tty time. 

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

A wise man once said if you eat with one chopstick, you’re bound to go hungry.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Careful not to get too big for your britches, otherwise you’ll get exposed in the end. 

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone will waste 20 minutes of life in a cold conversation filled with hot air. 

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Don’t be surprised when everyone calls you cheap for expecting too much for too little. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “Every train must blow a little steam before its engine cools.”