Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of December 12-18, 2010

If there were ever a day to feel like crap, today would be it.  Things won’t go the way you plan and bullsh*t is imminent.  You may even lose a piece of yourself.  That’s just the way life goes.  But you’re not the only one down in the dumps.  Trust me.  Hottywood knows.  

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Some say its good luck when the bottom of your right foot itches. In actuality you just need to wash your feet.

_______________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Never let your right hand know what your left hand is doing; because you’ll look really silly talking to your hands.

 ___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

“A penny for your thoughts,” is just somebody’s way of telling you that your opinion isn’t worth two cents.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you spend all your time waiting for someone who may never come, you will be featured in the National Inquirer for being able to communicate with a house full of cats.

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Be the first one picked last so the creek can rise on all those who tries to cross before you.  There is power in patience.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

A blind date will steal your stereo.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Silence isn’t golden if it turns your skin green.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The only way you’ll be able to hold on to your youth is if you can speak to it thru a jouji board.  Let it go.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You will be the center of attention and it will have everything to do with the hole in your pants.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Sit in a dark room and smoke one pack of cigarettes for every lie you’ve told within the last seven days.  That ought to teach you a lesson.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Be careful not to drown in the sewage of what other people think about you.  You’ll be consumed enough with what you think about yourself. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

  1. Your week consists of self-absorbed neurotic rants, stupid questions and awkward silence. And that’s before you finish your telephone conversation with mom. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 14-20, 2010

We’ve come yet to another new week where people will deceive and lie before they speak.  An old routine that’s always played the same.  Yup, you guessed it; “Bullsh*t” is the name of the game! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Speak with a pirate accent the next time you make love during the middle of the week.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This is a good week to indulge in a little cultural music.  It may help to drown out some of those voices in your head. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Dust off those tap shoes. Tonight you’re going to be dancing around the truth.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you’re angry without enthusiasm, that’s called “Depression.”  It’s probably because all of your socks have holes in the heels. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

This week, a psychic lover will break up with you before you even have a chance to meet them. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Your armpits are an unexplored musical instrument, especially if you can play a score of any major show tune without missing a beat.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You are likely to come up with a clever solution while sitting on a porcelain throne at high noon after eating a bag of greasy salt & vinegar potato chips and sandwich pickles. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The enemy of your enemy is your friend and should not be trusted any more than you should be if left alone in a room with a box full of donuts. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Today, you must take charge of a situation; but nothing will be accomplished without a 2×4 plank, some scotch tape and a dull butter knife.  Imagination is everything. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

When the moon crosses paths with Jupiter, you will appear more charming than you actually are.  This will be a perfect time to meet a soul mate who has just established a career as a professional parrot feeder.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

If you think you hate your job, be glad you aren’t a roll of toilet paper.

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Squeeze a coworker’s nipple in an elevator.  Follow that whole “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” rule.  It will also make an impression if you actually call them a cow. Remember to bob and weave! 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “You can’t walk on eggshells if you have bad feet.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 7-13, 2010

The weekend has passed and Monday is here.  Good luck has left and bad luck is near.  There’s no need to worry about crappy lost hope.  Not when you have Hottywood’s HORRORscopes! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Make a wall of fame for your favorite underwear and look forward to a lot more date nights.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You may develop boils on your butt cheeks that may make it difficult to sit on a load of bullsh*t.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

If your armpits smell like French onion dip, jump off a bridge at high noon tomorrow.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If someone tells you how beautiful you look today, check your mirror for bugars as today is statistically proven to be a day for massive lies.

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your best ideas are the ones everyone around you has ignored.  Pout now; gloat later.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The more you talk the more gas a buffalo passes.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

No one will remember your name until a toilet flushes.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Sweating scent-free hot chocolate is a key factor that your ass needs a damn bath.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Peeing with the door open will bring u good luck unless you’re a prison inmate.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Read the warning label on your next relationship. The side effects may keep you from having to operate heavy machinery while high.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The way things look now aren’t the way things looked then.  And the way things look now may not be the way things will look soon because sometimes things don’t always look like what they look like. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You are stubborn and bullheaded and give the worst advice unless you’re telling someone to shut the hell up.  You also fart the loudest out of a crowd of baked bean eaters.

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “Liars begin by imposing upon others and end with deceiving only themselves.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 15-21, 2010

If there’s one thing that you should always remember, it’s that “sh*t happens.”

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Don’t put all your energy into finding someone to love you if you haven’t mastered the art of loving yourself first. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

When one door closes, there’s always a brick to open a window.  …unless you’re a stalker — then this probably wouldn’t be a good idea.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Stop apologizing for not being who people want you to be and don’t be ashamed for not being who you should be.  More people than you think don’t care either way. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Taking on the mentality that you’re everyone’s type only labels you as a garden tool. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your pissy attitude will come back to haunt you the next time you have a one-night-stand with a farty old brillo pad wearing a bad hair piece. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Difficulties at work will cause you to punch a hole in a wall.  Ironically, talking to an irritating coworker will be like talking to a brick wall.  See where this is headed?

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

It’s time to act like the arrogant asshole everyone thinks you are.  If people are going to perceive you as something you’re not, you might as well give them what they want and have fun doing it. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

People will know you’re lying about your age by the number of rings around your stomach. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

When all else fails, bunjee jumping with a string of yarn is the next best thing.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Cursing is the best way to get your point across.  That, and a sharp wooden stick. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The only thing stronger than a mother’s love is onion breath. ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

By the time you finish reading this HORRORscope, a blond-haired smurf will be knocked up and not know who the father is. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.”

 

The Ineffective, Yet Highly Enjoyable Hottywood Diet

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a fat kid trapped in a skinny man’s body.  Some say they hate me for that; some say they are jealous; and others haven’t bothered to form an opinion one way or another.  You may think whatever you want of my ability to eat 200 chicken wings in one sitting, but you can’t help but to admire my commitment to stuffing my face until my stomach or ass reach a code red for explosion.  Before we go any further, I’m reminded of a limerick my family used to sing to me every time I farted after a big meal: 

“Better to let it out and be ashamed

Than to hold it back and bust a vein!” 

Most of you who are reading this right now are probably grossed out by what you’re reading, but sometimes even clean reading can get a little messy.  Here’s when you challenge your sense of humor and either go with the flow or just go.  

I didn’t bring you here to discuss my gastric issues.  What I came here to say is “down with dieting — BOOOO!” What’s the point?  It’s no fun.  After all, the first three letters of the word “diet” are D-I-E.  Having said that, below is the very ineffective, yet most highly enjoyable Hottywood Diet, guaranteed not to make you lose a single pound!  Hey, look at it this way, the more fat that dangles around your love-handles only means there’s more of you to love.  Own up to it.  Hell, I do.  I’ve already decided that in my next life I’m going to come back as a pie-eating champion.  

Anyway, enjoy the not-so-helpful diet tips below.  If you’re going to eat yourself into a frenzy, you might as well enjoy every last crumb.  

FOODS TO AVOID:

Avoid nothing!  Eat any damn thing you want.   That’s the best part about the Hottywood Diet.  There are no repercussions; no second thoughts.  Just enjoy the moment.  And if anyone tells you to avoid any kind of food, you tell them to avoid the fist that you’ll be throwing at their forehead.  …and you’ll only be throwing a fist because you probably ate the last cream pie. 

INSTEAD OF STARVING YOURSELF TO MEET SOCIETY’S DEMANDS OF “NORMAL”: 

  1. Eat about 25%-50% above your calorie maintenance level.  More, if you’re an overachiever or one greedy motherf*cker. 
  2. Don’t spread your calories into 5-6 small meals.  Instead, eat 5-6 big meals!  Dessert and snacks count as bonus points.  If you’re going to go all out — go all the way.   
  3. Drink plenty of kool-aid and carbonated sodas instead of tasteless water.  Alcohol is also a fun beverage to wash your meals down with, especially in the morning. 
  4. Toss your weight scale in front of a herd of angry ostriches.  If you follow this ineffective diet, you won’t need it anymore.   
  5. Exercise is the ENEMY!  Don’t bother working out.  You’ll be too tired after you eat anyway. 
  6. And last but not least, the only pills you should be taking are those “All-Night-Long” pills for men and women.  Who the hell heard of taking a pill to curb your appetite???  Talk about a hard pill to swallow, geez.   

People of Earth invest way too much time, effort and energy into attempting to lose weight.  Everyone except people in a few third-world countries of course, but that’s a horse of a different color.  If we weren’t meant to eat ourselves into deep dips inside our couches, then why on Earth is food so good?  Don’t blame us for eating the heavy carbs and loads of sugar.  Our appetites are keeping businesses afloat – Popeyes; McDonalds; Sonic; Dairy Queen.  We’re contributing a lot to the livelihood of businesses; keeping jobs filled; providing an American justice.

I could go on and on about how we should avoid b*tches like Jenny Craig and that whole Nutrisystem scam sham.  You only have one life to live so you might as well live it to the fullest…or live while being full.  And it certainly doesn’t take 90% of any effort to do that.  Especially if there’s a ham bone tied to a string on a stick at the end of effort’s trail.  

Now I’m not shoving any food down anyone’s throat so if you gain a few extra pounds, good for you, but you can’t say it was at my hand.  In fact, my hands are full and greasy, thanks to these fries and this fully loaded pepper jack burger!   So on that note — peace out ya’ll!  I’m about to make my inner fat kid very happy. 

Nom Nom Nom

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “Sex is just as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 1-7, 2010

Not every week can be as good as the last but there’s always fun in finding out what’s in store.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

It’s not a good thing if your fingers look like you’ve been changing oil all day.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Put your feet in the right place,  then stand strong.  Just make sure you’re not walking your dog at the time.  NobodyLikesASh_ttyFoot.com

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Having toenails like a garden rake is not sexy. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

It’s probably time to change your perfume/cologne if the scent of a backed-up toilet is the first thing people smell when you walk through the door.

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

If you can draw a ‘Hop Scotch’ template on concrete with the heel of your foot, something’s definitely wrong.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

As long as you’re happy expecting nothing, you’ll never be disappointed. 

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Age doesn’t protect you from love. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Blame someone else for all of your mistakes.  Wear comfortable shoes.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If you think you’re going out of your mind at work, you are.  A cubicle is nothing more than a padded cell without a door. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Whatever the law is that prohibits you from being wrong only exists in that little box that you live in. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Don’t leave your lunch on the side of a public restroom sink. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Beware of cross-dressing midgets. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:  “If Harry Potter is so magical, why can’t he cure is own eye sight?” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 18-24, 2010

Welcome to this week’s edition of Hottywood’s HORRORscopes.  This is your chance to find out what effects your smelly socks will have on the universe and where your disposition ranks you among those people who pretend not to judge you.  Are you ready?  Well if you aren’t, that’s what I’m here for.  Why?  Because Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Contrary to popular belief, eavesdropping is not a skill.  It’s a warrant for a straight up ass whooping. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anything anyone says to you will go in one ear and out the other because there’s nothing blocking the traffic. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Your back hair resembles yak fur. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If walls could talk, your freaky ass would be in a world of trouble. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Someone is itching to slap the sh*t out of you – and we’re not talking about on the ass. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

That mole hiding underneath your pubic hair is not really a mole at all.  It’s time for a second opinion. 

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You may be lucky enough for someone to forgive your ignorance this week but don’t put all your eggs in one basket.   

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Foreplay for you means having someone clip your toenails before sex. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You will be visited by the ghost of a public restroom on the 3rd day of the 4th week during the 15th minute of the last hour of the day. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

That thing you want to get off your chest is probably just a boil. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You should consider slipping into something more comfortable for the lover who’s not that interested in you – like a coma.    

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Borrow $.50 from anyone who feels sorry for you and buy yourself a personality. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:      “A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 16-22, 2010

When the worst seems to get you down and you’ve run out of booby traps in your stained bag of tricks, there’s only one person who can help steer you in the direction away from karma, stink bombs and a winch named “Lady Luck.”  That person is Hottywood

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Your saliva will taste like mop water. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Change your washcloth for a new outlook on life. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Beware of sky rats.  They are plotting to take over the world.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Two words are guaranteed to get you through the day – “F*ck it.”

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

The texture of your toilet paper will determine the execution of your day. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Ketchup and white socks hold the answers to all of your questions today.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Chest hair is not meant for braiding.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

It’s not what you do but who you are that matters.  Unless of course, you do the wrong thing at the wrong time in front of the wrong people. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Whoever told you, “winning isn’t everything,” merely found a nice way to tell you it’s best to win at losing than it is to lose at winning. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Do some cleaning today.  Start with your nose and your butt.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Your love life is booming as you are likely to attract anyone with no job and a criminal record. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Someone is going to ask your opinion on a matter you care nothing about.  Put your hand over your heart and do what you do best.  Lie. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:     “We must believe in luck.  How else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 11-17, 2010

If looks could kill, you wouldn’t have anything to worry about.  However there are many other catastrophic things that could happen to you this week if you aren’t prepared with the wisdom of Hottywood Helps. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

There’s only one thing that separates you from that jerk no one can stand – your name! 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but when it comes to your breath, the only person you’re fooling is yourself.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

The wind beneath your wings is nothing but gas. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You don’t have to wonder if everyone is talking about you behind your back.  They are. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

It’s time for you to see yourself as the asshole everyone else sees you as. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

No one can stomach the lies you’re pulling out of your ass. 

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

This week, people will wonder how is it that you have such a big head and nothing ever on your mind. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

There are many reasons to tie someone’s shoe strings together before throwing them into traffic. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You’ve tried patience.  You’ve tried understanding.   You’ve even tried silence.  Now it’s time to try threats and bribery. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If someone tells you they need space, take it as a compliment.  You aren’t that fun to be around. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

To some, you are playful, cute and cuddly – just like a chiwahwah.  Luckily you have a face to match.    

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Stepping out of the norm will cause people to applaud your decision to bathe.

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:     “Pushing someone down a flight of stairs can be considered exercise for both parties.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 28-April 3, 2010

Tomorrow is the last day of the first part of the new beginning of your old life.  So what does that mean for the rest of the week?  Let’s take a look into the crystal ball, shall we? 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Screaming like a little bitch is the best way to get your point across that you’re a complete punk.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Whatever you’re thinking of saying out loud, don’t.  It only sounds smart in your head.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

The closest you’re going to get to a relationship is with a bottle of lotion and your left hand.  And you still may get dumped.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Keeping other people’s dirty little secrets will come in handy when the rent is due. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You have an uncanny ability to get people to do whatever you want just as long as you begin every command with, “Simon Says.” 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You are an unwanted leech who seemingly clings to people who are rich, married, or breathing.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

None of your relationships work out because you remember every detail of your mate’s past sins, but never your own. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Don’t be foolish enough to tell someone they’ll never find another quite like you.  They may just thank you for that word of encouragement. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You’re your own best listener because you’re the only person who’s willing to listen to your stupid ass.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You always get what you want because you are a master of the five finger discount. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Go out on a date with someone special.  Ah hell, with your social life, go out on a date with anyone who’s not too embarrassed to be seen with you in public. 

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Someone very close to you is going to stab you in the back for being such a two-faced douche bag.  Don’t travel in dark alleys with people you call “friends.”

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:     “Just because no one complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.”  

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Feb. 21-27, 2010

Tomorrow’s negative energy can be avoided if you use a little duck tape and a pack of Bubblicious gum!  To avoid life’s deep potholes and puppy poops, get the answers today for tomorrow’s questions.   

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Trick-or-Treating on Halloween night is the only time begging is allowed. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to look like an ass when you get caught doing the dumb sh*t you thought you got away with.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

When a situation becomes too sticky, rub up against everything like a cat.  –Works every time. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you still have aluminum foil on your TV antenna, you deserve not to have any friends. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

If you know you’re a lazy-ass when it comes to waking up in the morning, grease your body with motor oil before going to bed. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You’re going to owe someone a big favor for keeping a secret you weren’t smart enough to keep yourself. 

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Having a ‘Plan B’ is not necessary if you have a big voice and an even bigger stun gun. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Drinking kool-aid from a champagne glass does not make you classy. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If you find a strange sense of fulfillment watching the laundry dryer spin, it may be time to re-evaluate some things. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You’re going to have good luck every day. 

…except on any day that has 2 syllables in it. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You are going to enter a room every time someone ironically says, “…oh sh*t.” 

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Receiving death threats in the mail is just karma’s funny little way of saying, “hello.” 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:    “Save your pennies like you save your life or save your life like you save your pennies.”