Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 24-30, 2011

Discovering the real you is something that happens when you least expect it.  It only happens when you realize there is a positive side to belching in public.  Now’s your time to experience the joys of tomorrow’s stares. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Tongue-kissing like a puppy is a big turn off. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You can solve any problem with a big payoff and no witnesses. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You may spend ½ the day trying to figure out what it is you have in common with a midget giraffe on steroids. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

In time, you will learn to appreciate the joyous sensation of peeing with the door open.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Beware of fish today. That includes fish sticks, fish & chips, and women with bad hygiene. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Someone is going to tell you, “You’re too stupid to be from this planet.”  Don’t get offended.  Aliens are making a comeback. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Your face may be ashy and cracked this week and it may have a direct impact on the growing population of rat droppings and rusted copper toe rings. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Cheese curls will mysteriously appear in your pocket and the sun will set upon the east.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

That overwhelming feeling you have burning the inner depths of your soul will be revealed after a revelation on the toilet. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You might institute a “drop your pants” day, at the end of the week.  This may or may not change people’s perception of your slutty inhibitions.  You may also get a promotion.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Dust all the lint balls from the corners of your room and ask yourself what that has to do with the legalization of marijuana. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Being cheap is not a bad thing.  It’s just a cover up for something stirring in your bowels. 

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Quote of the Week:     “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” 

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 14-20, 2010

When you’re in doubt about what tomorrow holds for you, there’s only one person to turn to – HOTTYWOOD!  He can tell you if you need to avoid potholes, rugrats and three-way phone calls. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

All bullsh*t smells the same, no matter what asshole produces it.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Intimate moments will be awkward because everyone you touch will feel like raw ground beef.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Losing is the new winning.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

No one’s accepting your dinner invitations because nobody likes eating off plates guarded by roaches.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

No one cares about you except the person watching you from the other side of the mirror and even they’re on the fence about you.  ___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Despite what your mother may have told you, being kind to people only gets you but so far unless you’re just plain ugly.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The good news is you’re not as stupid as you look…

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Having your picture compared to a wildlife wonder on National Geographic is not a compliment unless a lot of alcohol is involved. Then it’s just freaky. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If the only thing you sweat is white liquor, there’s no wonder everyone keeps staring at you.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Your next date night will be a disaster because the stench of your body will wilt the salad.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Showing you chest hair is not going to get you a promotion, especially if you’re a hairy ass woman.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

One of your personality’s armpits will smell like goat cheese and Funyons and will probably cock block your next booty call.

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Quote of the Week:    “A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.”