A Momentary Rant of a Man Undone

Let’s be honest; even a man who always seems to have it all together cracks under pressure every now and then.  And as perfect as I am (at least as far as perfection goes in my own warped out mind), I am no exception to the rule.  

Having said that, I think I will take a short moment to ask one burning question that many people ask in their every day lives:  

 “What the #&$%@!?”  

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  • “What the #&$%@!”  did I do to deserve getting hit in the forehead with one of Karma’s mini bowling balls? 
  • “What the #&$%@!”  happened to the Plan B that I usually keep in my back pocket? 
  • “What the #&$%@!”  am I going to do to get myself out of this deep a$$ pothole that I managed to fall into?   

Well, I asked the one burning question like I said.  I just happened to ask it in three different variations.  Why?  Because I can.  “What the #&$%@!” are you going to do about it?     

Listen, everyone is only human.  Well, maybe not the chick that lives on the corner of my street.  I don’t know what she is, but I know it’s not human.  Have you seen her???  Oh wait, that’s a story for another time.  

My point is no one is immune to the pitfalls of life.  In fact, if we didn’t have sh*t to deal with, how would we know what we could handle?  It’s like going out on a bad date.  In your heart you know the date is going to be a bust, but you still have to endure the bad company, bad conversation, bad food and bad hygiene in order to know what you don’t like and what you hope to expect out of the next date who is anyone but the person you lowered your standards for in the first damn place.  

Oh, but if only things were as simple as a bad date.  You can stand up a bad date.  You can walk out on a bad date.  You can even throw your drink in a bad date’s face.  But life, my friends, is something a little more funky than a simple bad date.  In fact, sometimes life can be a big pile of sh*t.  However as stinky as that sh*t may be, life is also a wheel.  What’s down today is up tomorrow.  The hard part is getting through the day.  Lucky for us all 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   He that is afraid of bad luck will never know good.”

Hottywood’s 2011 New Year’s Resolutions

It’s been a minute since the last time we’ve chatted, but you should know that I wasn’t off hiding in a corner somewhere licking my finger tips after stuffing my face with a handful of barbeque potato chips.  Like each and every one of you, I was off pondering the possibilities of what the new year will bring. 

Keeping in touch with the American new year tradition, I jotted down a few [New Year’s] resolutions for myself.  You know, something to strive for and aspire to.   And seeing how Christmas is trying its best to jet ski right past us, what better time than now to share those resolutions with you?!

Kats, kittens, dolls, guys and gals, I now present to you Hottywood’s 2011 New Year’s Resolutions!   Hope you’re as ready for the new year as I am.

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Start saying, “No.” 

I go out of my way to please people; never rejecting anyone’s requests or unreasonable favors and the only word I ever get in return is, “No.”  So let’s see how their asses feel when I return the rejected favor. 

In fact, let’s put a “Hell,” in front of that “No,” to make it more effective! 

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Drink more; hangover less.

Let’s be honest, everyone wants to be the drunk guy that gets pointed at and maliciously talked about at all the parties.  Because everyone knows that he is having the BEST time!   And it probably wouldn’t be much of a party if he wasn’t there.  So either stop hating on the drunk guy or starting throwing better parties!

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Incorporate diet fried chicken and french fries (w/ “I Believe It’s Not Salt”) into my daily diet. 

I know damn well that I’m not the only person in the world that’s in love with fried chicken.  Especially my mama’s fried chicken!  Can’t nobody fry up some wings like my mama.  Well…maybe Popeyes, ’cause they have all those eleven herbs and spices and stuff.  And possibly the Cornel, ’cause he’s not a cornel for nothing.  He’s an officer for chicken!  Oh, and then there’s Church’s Fried chicken.  You know that chicken must be touched by God.  I mean listen to the name of the product. 

Okay, okay.  I guess you see where I’m going with this.  I’m going to find a way to make greasy, home fried chicken a part of a regular healthy diet.  Or die trying! 

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Burn any and every record that features the voice of Aaron Neville. 

Alright, I know I’m probably going to burn in hell for condemning the poor guy’s music to a biochemical lava pit.  But seriously, have you heard the guy sing?  He sounds like chipmunks on steroids.

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Braid my armpit hair every 3rd Saturday of the month. 

‘Cause I like to keep people guessing!    C’mon, admit it; you know you’ve always wanted to take a peek under my arms.   That doesn’t make you weird.  It’s the other thing that makes you weird!   

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Celebrate my birthday every time I go out to eat in a restaurant so I can get a free slice of cake while the wait staff embarrassingly sings the annoying birthday song to me while jealous consumers look on and inadvertently joins in, secretly wanting a bite of the cake that I’m not going to share. 

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Belch without saying, “Excuse me.”  Oh wait; I already do that.   

Hey, don’t judge me. 

MOVING ON.  →

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Cross out anyone’s name in my phone book whose armpits and butt cheeks smell relatively the same.  

And if you think it’s cool to hang around someone who smells like a Thursday morning trash pick up, then I’m scratching your name out of the book, too!

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Convince a convent of nuns to watch “Revenge of the Nerds” and all of its sequels.  

I have to be honest and say that I would just love to sit there and watch the expression on a nun’s face as she looks at some of the sh*t that those nerds pull on that show. 

To be quite honest with you, I worked with a nun who I think could’ve used a little humor in her life.  She was about as nice as The Grim Reaper.  About the same age too, but that’s another story. 

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Rally for world peace amongst the hamster community. 

Ah come on.  I’m not the only one who’s rallying for togetherness and furry respect amongst all rodents who runs non-stop inside a wheel.   I can understand their frustration.  They keep running and running but never get anywhere.  That would make me want to punch somebody, too. 

Dear Mr. Hamster,

Be glad you’re not a turkey.  They are born and raised to be eaten. 

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So there you have it, folks.  I strongly believe that committing to these resolutions will change my life drastically!   The hard part is sticking to the commitment.  Thank goodness 90% of any effort is getting started

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Quote of the week:    “It’s bad luck to spill a drink on New Year’s eve.”

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 26-October 2, 2010

If there’s one thing you should know it’s in what direction your luck may go.  Whether left or right or right or wrong, in stinky bloomers or uncomfortable thongs.  The week begins with a fall of rain and all weekend fun is now down the drain.  You may be surprised at what comes your way but with a little help you can play it safe.  If you remember one thing and nothing else, never forget that Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

No amount of heat will be enough to get the wrinkles out of any of your shirts.  Carry a paper cup for spare change, you bum. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For seven days, you will either be profusely sweaty or profusely gassy. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You might be in control over your own destiny, but you have no control over a shady bitch named Karma. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Carrying a rabbit’s foot may be lucky for you as long as you don’t pay attention to the fact that you’re carrying the luck of that poor dead legless bunny. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will stutter and spit every time a pigeon flaps its wings.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

People will only understand you if you speak in “baby talk.”  Babies will just look at you like you’re stupid.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Bathing in boiled potato water just may change the outcome of your day.  The question remains, “For better or for worse?”

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A great hooker once said, “You have to give in order to get.” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Having multiple personalities will come in handy when you drive in the HOV lane during rush hour. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

By complete accident, you will ask one too many questions and receive a priceless punch in the lower lip area. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

One of your greatest strengths is being the only one not invited to any parties. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If someone tells you you’re the spitting image of Tevin Campbell, they’re not complimenting you. 

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Quote of the Week:   “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

The Government of Hottywood

Apparently we have some tourists in the Hills of Hottywood who are unfamiliar with the way things work around here.  So being the informant that I am, I will happily school the clueless on the rules and regulations of this here territory.  

Unaware, I’m sure, that they were being pesky, annoying and a little obnoxious, those very same tourists bombarded me with a plethora of questions, requests and suggestions for change.  And though I am one who very much so respects another’s opinion, when it comes to Hottywood, I run this town!   

You may stick your suggestions in a suggestion box big or small enough to shove up your ass when you’re done, but what you suggest to me will not change the government where I am the president and the senate all rolled up into one overly attractive, witty and nonchalant leader.  I built this town from the ground up and I’ll be damned if I let an ignorant day-tripper come in here and disrupt my land or its people.  

Hottywood is a humble town.  It’s also a kennel of man-eating mutts who eat the stupid for lunch like Scooby-snacks.  So though you may think you’re gonna come in here and change the format, the only thing that’s gonna change is the color of your ass after it’s been kicked for not doing your homework before visiting strange grounds.  

Now there is but only one rule here in Hottywood.  And that one rule is that I make the rules!’  If you can’t deal with that, then pack your bags and hitch-hike the hell out of here —  cautiously, I might add, because the people of Hottywood are a very loyal people and we consider stupidity and ignorance as pollution.  

Having said all that, I hope your stay with us is a pleasant one.  And please, outside of disrupting the still waters, don’t hesitate to let us know what we can do to make your stay as delightful as possible, because we all aim to please which is not hard to do once we get started.  Thank goodness 90% of any effort is getting started.  Otherwise, you’d be sh*t up a creek. 

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Quote of the week:    “Whenever there is a job that needs to be done, assign it to a lazy man.  He is sure to find an easy way of doing it.” 

 

What Becomes of a Broken Heart: Getting the Last Laugh

Can we talk seriously for a moment?  …I didn’t think so, but let’s give it a shot anyway.  

They say “the heart wants what the heart wants.”  But what happens when the heart you want doesn’t want you back?  Wait.  Here’s a more thought provoking question: What happens when the heart that didn’t want you before, wants you now?  How do you deal?  Do you overlook the pain and suffering you endured when you were rejected by that special someone?  Do you pretend those feelings never existed or proceed with a lot of caution and a lot more ninja stars?  The answers are never easily revealed.  For the most part, it’s a matter of, you guessed it — the heart.  

Some people believe in second chances.  Some believe in fate.  Some believe that everything happens for a reason.  Those people are silly.  The really smart people believe that there are reasons why things didn’t work out the first time.  And those people are right.  Nine times out of ten if someone is trying to win you over or win you back, it’s because they miss you or something about you.  That much is worth the flattery but not necessarily the revisit.  There’s no guarantee that the second time around would be better than the first.  In fact, chances are it would be a recap of the tubs of ice cream and comfort food you wolfed down when you were dumped; stranded; ignored; rejected; underestimated; and underappreciated.  Only a fool would agree to go through that torment and weight gain again.  If there is/was something that someone didn’t like about you to begin with, it’s only a matter of time before those same turnoffs turn them off again, carrying your ass right back to the drawing board. 

Instead of asking yourself gratuitous questions like, “What if…?” this is your moment to take the opportunity to revel in the delight of getting the last laugh.  Somewhere between those buckets of tears and buckets of wings, you said to yourself that your ex lover would miss you when you were gone.  You may not have known when, if, or even how, but you knew in your heart that you were worth missing.  Them crawling back to you while whispering sweet nothings is the validation you could’ve only dreamed of and hoped for.  This is your just reward for loving someone who wouldn’t love you back; your trophy; your red ribbon!  The best part of sitting in the winner’s circle is that you know you are better than before.  You don’t need justification.  You don’t need someone else to tell you how great you are.  It’s nice to hear, but it’s not necessary — especially if it’s coming from someone who’s only speaking with empty words. 

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Life has a funny little way of telling you some good sh*t.  You just have to be open to listening to what it has to say.

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Always remember, “the path to your future does not rest in the baggage you carry on your back.”  Moving on and accepting new things is not as difficult as you may imagine.  Granted, it may take a little effort but 90% of any effort is getting started, the rest is a breeze.   Get the last laugh.  Laugh long and laugh loud! 

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Quote of the week:   “The first step in getting the things you want out of life is to decide on what it is you want.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 28-March 6, 2010

This week holds a lot to be desired in the form of chicken wings and stripper poles.  Rest assured that that’s the highlight of what’s in store for you. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Don’t go out with anyone named Bruno, especially if Bruno is a woman. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Putting cologne on your underarms is not going to solve your immediate onion-scented problem.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You will have a strange compulsion to touch someone’s nipple.  They will have a strange compulsion to punch you.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

It may be time to clip your toenails if they keep getting caught in the rug while you’re still wearing shoes. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

If your name has a vowel in it, you need to shave your back.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

1 + 1 = 11 only when booze is involved and you’re seeing double OR if you’re just stupid and failed math all throughout school.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You can avoid the law if you stay away from overly perky people whose sex lives are more active than yours. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You are your own boss.  You can fire yourself, but trust and believe you’ll pay yourself double to come back to work. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Anyone who lies for you will lie to you.  And that’s no lie. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Someone will confide in you.  The best advice you can offer is, “Na na na boo boo.” 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You don’t have to worry about giving out any fake telephone numbers because no one is going to ask you for it anyway. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Whoever said, “All good things must come to an end,” never had sex with you. 

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Quote of the Week:    “Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.”

Remove Old Bullsh*t for a New Year

Let’s make this short and sweet. No long goodbyes; no extended farewells; not even an “I’ll catch you later.”

…short and sweet.  “So long mutha effer!”  Tis the season to be jolly, and w/ that jolliness comes the end of relationships past.  Not just lovers, but friends, associates, stalkers, and booty calls who no longer make your nature rise.  

Though it is encouraged to remove yourself from any situation (or people) who are less than conducive to your welfare and life as a whole, the onset of a new year is the perfect time to wipe the sleight clean and start all over. 

Take out your little black book, grab a magic marker and have at it!  Cross out that lying bastard’s name who gave you every excuse in the book why he/she couldn’t see you every time you asked to hang out or hook up.  Cross out the zero’s name who only called you when they were hot in the pants.  Scratch off the biatch who promised to come through, but never did.  Mark off the ex who you thought you loved, but never really liked. 

Now is the time for your freedom and liberation.  It is your chance to shift your focus from the past and on to yourself.  No more chasing people and their dreams.  No more saying “yes” to the things you think will make someone else happy.  After all, sooner or later you will need to realize that you are not living for anyone else and that all relationships are not quite meant to last forever.  Marriages aren’t forever; best friends aren’t forever; flings aren’t forever; jobs and coworkers aren’t forever; even cars aren’t forever.  Let go and let God lead you down a new path of life.  Not for anyone else’s sake but your own.  

And while you’re at it, promise yourself one thing: You won’t bite your tongue when you tell your undesirables to kick the curb.  You may curse, scream and yell.  All is encouraged!  The louder and more vulgar you are, the better.  Your vulgarity will ensure that those pricks will not bombard your Happy New Year with old bullsh*t.  And if they do, send them over to the Hills of Hottywood where an explosive surprise awaits them.  A surprise filled with hand grenades and all things that go “BOOM!” 

Remember, 90% of any effort is getting started.

The Office Cheerleader: Let’s Push Them Off a Cliff

The Office Cheerleader: Let’s Push Them Off a Cliff !

MorningPerson_2Morning People ~ Patooey!  We’ve all got one – the office cheerleader; the annoying person who always seem to wake up on the right side of the bed.  This is that perky man or woman who comes into your office first thing in the morning and damn near sings every word like a Disney cartoon character.  You know who talking I’m about.  That irritating person who sleeps at night with their arm attached to an espresso-filled IV machine.  As much as we try to appreciate the pep that they drop in our office like sh*t turds, we more or less would much rather take a rubber band and a letter opener and use this one-man pep squad as target practice. 

Listen to the audio clip below to be reminded just how much you hate these people. 

How the hell can one person be so happy every single morning?  I don’t care how much nookie you can get in a week, there’s nobody on the face of the planet that has that much “morning after” glow.  …well, maybe a whore or a pimp, but even they have their off days. 

StarbucksEach morning my coworker comes into my office and screams “Good morning” with a voluminous pitch that scrapes my ears like fingernails on a chalk board.  She usually follows up with this awful little dance move that no one should be allowed to do in public (it usually makes me want to hurl myself from my 3rd floor office window, head first).  I’ve done all but come to work without applying deodorant to let this woman know that I am in no way remotely interested in holding a conversation before a certain time, even post-Starbucks.  That level of pep-osity should be prohibited from use in all human being’s lives.  The only creatures that should be so happy that early are squirrels – for not getting run over by Mac trucks as they cross the expressway.   

By now I’m sure you’re asking yourself the same question I’ve asked for many a-morning.  What can we do to put an end to this overindulgent perkiness?  Well look no further because you’ve come to the right place! 

MorningPerson_1The next time your office cheerleader enters your personal space with their pom-poms shaking in the air and speaking in rhymes, I want you to take a hand-held machine gun, loaded with reusable party forks and go all Rambo on their ass!  Leave a trail of banana peels beginning at the entrance of your office building and ending at their cubicle so that each time they take a step, they’ll plummet to the floor leaving nothing but black and blue bruises along their backside.  If they still get up with a smile on their face, then this should tell you that this person is not human.  If that is case, rest assured that they have an off-switch located somewhere on their body.  If you can not find this kill-switch, hand grenades work wonders! 

You must plan the demise very carefully though, because every office cheerleader has a horse shoe lodged in the crevice of their ass for good luck.  When you least expect it, it transforms into a dagger and stabs you in the back repeatedly until blood ruins that new, expensive top you were just dying to wear to the office, spelling out the words, “Karma’s a bitch.”

Now, I’m not one to promote violence, except on any day that ends with the letter “y”, but these happy people are the enemy dressed in a “just-got-laid” smile. So if the Rambo trick, the banana peels or the hand grenades are a little too drastic for your taste, you can always install an electric fence to your office door and say it was an environmental upgrade approved by the board of directors to ensure total employee concentration.  Either that or you can simply blame it on the clean up crew who comes in after-hours when the office is closed to the general public.  Whatever you choose, a quick and painful death is the only way to stop the rise of this chipper nation. 

…death to the office cheerleader; let’s push them off a cliff!

With that said, homies and honies, it’s time for me to ring the bell because this is my stop!  Be reminded that you can stop by to check me out anytime because my door is always open.  Just know that if you make the mistake of knocking on my door or ringing my phone before 11am, I’ll cut your ass with a dull butter knife. 

Until next time my little packs of sun-dried turtle droppings.  I must bid you a fond farewell.  And remember that 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.”

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