Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 14-20, 2010

We’ve come yet to another new week where people will deceive and lie before they speak.  An old routine that’s always played the same.  Yup, you guessed it; “Bullsh*t” is the name of the game! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Speak with a pirate accent the next time you make love during the middle of the week.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This is a good week to indulge in a little cultural music.  It may help to drown out some of those voices in your head. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Dust off those tap shoes. Tonight you’re going to be dancing around the truth.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you’re angry without enthusiasm, that’s called “Depression.”  It’s probably because all of your socks have holes in the heels. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

This week, a psychic lover will break up with you before you even have a chance to meet them. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Your armpits are an unexplored musical instrument, especially if you can play a score of any major show tune without missing a beat.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You are likely to come up with a clever solution while sitting on a porcelain throne at high noon after eating a bag of greasy salt & vinegar potato chips and sandwich pickles. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The enemy of your enemy is your friend and should not be trusted any more than you should be if left alone in a room with a box full of donuts. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Today, you must take charge of a situation; but nothing will be accomplished without a 2×4 plank, some scotch tape and a dull butter knife.  Imagination is everything. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

When the moon crosses paths with Jupiter, you will appear more charming than you actually are.  This will be a perfect time to meet a soul mate who has just established a career as a professional parrot feeder.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

If you think you hate your job, be glad you aren’t a roll of toilet paper.

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Squeeze a coworker’s nipple in an elevator.  Follow that whole “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” rule.  It will also make an impression if you actually call them a cow. Remember to bob and weave! 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “You can’t walk on eggshells if you have bad feet.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 7-13, 2010

The weekend has passed and Monday is here.  Good luck has left and bad luck is near.  There’s no need to worry about crappy lost hope.  Not when you have Hottywood’s HORRORscopes! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Make a wall of fame for your favorite underwear and look forward to a lot more date nights.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You may develop boils on your butt cheeks that may make it difficult to sit on a load of bullsh*t.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

If your armpits smell like French onion dip, jump off a bridge at high noon tomorrow.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If someone tells you how beautiful you look today, check your mirror for bugars as today is statistically proven to be a day for massive lies.

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your best ideas are the ones everyone around you has ignored.  Pout now; gloat later.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The more you talk the more gas a buffalo passes.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

No one will remember your name until a toilet flushes.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Sweating scent-free hot chocolate is a key factor that your ass needs a damn bath.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Peeing with the door open will bring u good luck unless you’re a prison inmate.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Read the warning label on your next relationship. The side effects may keep you from having to operate heavy machinery while high.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The way things look now aren’t the way things looked then.  And the way things look now may not be the way things will look soon because sometimes things don’t always look like what they look like. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You are stubborn and bullheaded and give the worst advice unless you’re telling someone to shut the hell up.  You also fart the loudest out of a crowd of baked bean eaters.

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “Liars begin by imposing upon others and end with deceiving only themselves.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 15-21, 2010

If there’s one thing that you should always remember, it’s that “sh*t happens.”

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Don’t put all your energy into finding someone to love you if you haven’t mastered the art of loving yourself first. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

When one door closes, there’s always a brick to open a window.  …unless you’re a stalker — then this probably wouldn’t be a good idea.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Stop apologizing for not being who people want you to be and don’t be ashamed for not being who you should be.  More people than you think don’t care either way. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Taking on the mentality that you’re everyone’s type only labels you as a garden tool. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your pissy attitude will come back to haunt you the next time you have a one-night-stand with a farty old brillo pad wearing a bad hair piece. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Difficulties at work will cause you to punch a hole in a wall.  Ironically, talking to an irritating coworker will be like talking to a brick wall.  See where this is headed?

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

It’s time to act like the arrogant asshole everyone thinks you are.  If people are going to perceive you as something you’re not, you might as well give them what they want and have fun doing it. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

People will know you’re lying about your age by the number of rings around your stomach. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

When all else fails, bunjee jumping with a string of yarn is the next best thing.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Cursing is the best way to get your point across.  That, and a sharp wooden stick. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The only thing stronger than a mother’s love is onion breath. ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

By the time you finish reading this HORRORscope, a blond-haired smurf will be knocked up and not know who the father is. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.”

 

The Ineffective, Yet Highly Enjoyable Hottywood Diet

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a fat kid trapped in a skinny man’s body.  Some say they hate me for that; some say they are jealous; and others haven’t bothered to form an opinion one way or another.  You may think whatever you want of my ability to eat 200 chicken wings in one sitting, but you can’t help but to admire my commitment to stuffing my face until my stomach or ass reach a code red for explosion.  Before we go any further, I’m reminded of a limerick my family used to sing to me every time I farted after a big meal: 

“Better to let it out and be ashamed

Than to hold it back and bust a vein!” 

Most of you who are reading this right now are probably grossed out by what you’re reading, but sometimes even clean reading can get a little messy.  Here’s when you challenge your sense of humor and either go with the flow or just go.  

I didn’t bring you here to discuss my gastric issues.  What I came here to say is “down with dieting — BOOOO!” What’s the point?  It’s no fun.  After all, the first three letters of the word “diet” are D-I-E.  Having said that, below is the very ineffective, yet most highly enjoyable Hottywood Diet, guaranteed not to make you lose a single pound!  Hey, look at it this way, the more fat that dangles around your love-handles only means there’s more of you to love.  Own up to it.  Hell, I do.  I’ve already decided that in my next life I’m going to come back as a pie-eating champion.  

Anyway, enjoy the not-so-helpful diet tips below.  If you’re going to eat yourself into a frenzy, you might as well enjoy every last crumb.  

FOODS TO AVOID:

Avoid nothing!  Eat any damn thing you want.   That’s the best part about the Hottywood Diet.  There are no repercussions; no second thoughts.  Just enjoy the moment.  And if anyone tells you to avoid any kind of food, you tell them to avoid the fist that you’ll be throwing at their forehead.  …and you’ll only be throwing a fist because you probably ate the last cream pie. 

INSTEAD OF STARVING YOURSELF TO MEET SOCIETY’S DEMANDS OF “NORMAL”: 

  1. Eat about 25%-50% above your calorie maintenance level.  More, if you’re an overachiever or one greedy motherf*cker. 
  2. Don’t spread your calories into 5-6 small meals.  Instead, eat 5-6 big meals!  Dessert and snacks count as bonus points.  If you’re going to go all out — go all the way.   
  3. Drink plenty of kool-aid and carbonated sodas instead of tasteless water.  Alcohol is also a fun beverage to wash your meals down with, especially in the morning. 
  4. Toss your weight scale in front of a herd of angry ostriches.  If you follow this ineffective diet, you won’t need it anymore.   
  5. Exercise is the ENEMY!  Don’t bother working out.  You’ll be too tired after you eat anyway. 
  6. And last but not least, the only pills you should be taking are those “All-Night-Long” pills for men and women.  Who the hell heard of taking a pill to curb your appetite???  Talk about a hard pill to swallow, geez.   

People of Earth invest way too much time, effort and energy into attempting to lose weight.  Everyone except people in a few third-world countries of course, but that’s a horse of a different color.  If we weren’t meant to eat ourselves into deep dips inside our couches, then why on Earth is food so good?  Don’t blame us for eating the heavy carbs and loads of sugar.  Our appetites are keeping businesses afloat – Popeyes; McDonalds; Sonic; Dairy Queen.  We’re contributing a lot to the livelihood of businesses; keeping jobs filled; providing an American justice.

I could go on and on about how we should avoid b*tches like Jenny Craig and that whole Nutrisystem scam sham.  You only have one life to live so you might as well live it to the fullest…or live while being full.  And it certainly doesn’t take 90% of any effort to do that.  Especially if there’s a ham bone tied to a string on a stick at the end of effort’s trail.  

Now I’m not shoving any food down anyone’s throat so if you gain a few extra pounds, good for you, but you can’t say it was at my hand.  In fact, my hands are full and greasy, thanks to these fries and this fully loaded pepper jack burger!   So on that note — peace out ya’ll!  I’m about to make my inner fat kid very happy. 

Nom Nom Nom

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “Sex is just as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 1-7, 2010

Not every week can be as good as the last but there’s always fun in finding out what’s in store.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

It’s not a good thing if your fingers look like you’ve been changing oil all day.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Put your feet in the right place,  then stand strong.  Just make sure you’re not walking your dog at the time.  NobodyLikesASh_ttyFoot.com

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Having toenails like a garden rake is not sexy. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

It’s probably time to change your perfume/cologne if the scent of a backed-up toilet is the first thing people smell when you walk through the door.

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

If you can draw a ‘Hop Scotch’ template on concrete with the heel of your foot, something’s definitely wrong.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

As long as you’re happy expecting nothing, you’ll never be disappointed. 

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Age doesn’t protect you from love. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Blame someone else for all of your mistakes.  Wear comfortable shoes.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If you think you’re going out of your mind at work, you are.  A cubicle is nothing more than a padded cell without a door. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Whatever the law is that prohibits you from being wrong only exists in that little box that you live in. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Don’t leave your lunch on the side of a public restroom sink. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Beware of cross-dressing midgets. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:  “If Harry Potter is so magical, why can’t he cure is own eye sight?” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of June 20-26, 2010

It’s been a while since our last fortune telling and I can smell that luck runs in the stinkiest of sewers.  Luckily, the predictions of Hottywood will enable you to safeguard yourself with metal armor and coat hangers. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Man who is too afraid to face light of day should not hang in dark alleys at night. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anyone who insists on driving like a bat out of hell is sure to get there quickly.  To hell, that is. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Beware of crabs when fishing in another man’s well. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Farting in church is sure to have you sitting on your own pew. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You can’t leap off a cliff without jumping to a conclusion, but if you’re thinking of jumping off a cliff, that’s a problem in itself. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Girls who do back springs on bedsprings will have an offspring next spring.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Crowded elevators smell differently to midgets. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A clear conscience never fears midnight knocking.  Keeping that in mind, “The freaks come out at night.” 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Everything has beauty but not everyone is beautiful. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

A lazy shepherd is a wolf’s friend.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

When a tree falls, the monkeys scatter. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Money talks.  Bullsh*t walks. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:      “If your strength is small, don’t carry heavy burdens. If your words are worthless, don’t give advice.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 6-12, 2010

There are many unanswered questions in this jacked up universe of ours.  Now is the time to thank your lucky stars that there’s one psychic left who cares enough to teach you how to pay the universe back for all the mean tricks its played on you in the forms of lying, pimples and broken promises of people who didn’t deserve you in the first place.  

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

A man who eats with one chopstick is sure to go hungry. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You know how there’s always that one person in a bunch you can’t stand to be around? This week YOU are that person.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

A bb gun, a nail clipper and a pair of holy socks will really come in handy when you’ve run out of deodorant.

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The greatest gift you can give yourself this week is not to listen to your own dumb advice.  Listen to someone else so you can blame them when things go wrong. ___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Sugar and spice and everything nice is what every man picks up with his 5-finger discount when his lady friend PMSes for the 100th time in a damn month.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Everything you eat will taste like it has freezer burn. Even them nasty ass hoes you can’t bring home to mama.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

When it comes to your friends and enemies, it’s best to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don’t.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

The crap of a pigeon brings good luck, minus dozens of people pointing and laughing.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Maybe you’re just soooo attractive that you intimidate people from wanting to get into a relationship with you. Yeah, go with that.

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

A man who scratches his ass should not bite his fingernails. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:     “Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 30-June 5, 2010

The holiday weekend is finally over and you’ve gained nearly seven extra pounds on your already fat ass.  Hey, you saw that coming a mile away.  You didn’t need Hottywood to know that massive weight gain was imminent.  But you will need him to tell you how to avoid the pitfalls of post hamburger buns, explosive bathroom stenches and a two-timer named “Lady Luck.” 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

The next date you go out on will remind you just how boring you are, considering you’re lucky enough to get asked out at all. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is something about a three piece and a biscuit that is oddly sexy to you.  This could spice up your social life, especially if you’re an undercover fat skank. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You will eventually find peace, but only when you get to the end of your second 40oz brewsky, on the third day of the sun’s rotation, between 12:24 and 1:37 ½ – pm. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Beneath your good spirited disposition is a backstabbing warthog whose dying to be famous and then betray everyone who helped you rise to the top.  Oh, and your socks don’t match. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Someone will accuse you of spending too much time with a kitchen appliance.  However, what you do in your spare time is nobody’s business.  Just don’t expect any company over for dinner, you freak. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Enlighten a neighbor of the many ways they can use the word “sh*t” in a sentence.  This will prove to them that you are no smarter than they’ve given you credit for. 

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The most magical place on Earth is not Disney Land.  It’s the public bathroom on Route 66. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You will feel useless to everyone around you except for when someone needs their trash taken out.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

This is a good week to start a new trend.  Consider hair weaves for your eyebrows to set yourself apart from all the rest.  Preferably synthetic. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Grab your own ass the next time you’re in public and moo like a cow.  If anyone looks at you strangely, hiss like a cat.  This will really confuse the hell out of them. Avoid straight jackets. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You will have no taste buds for the next three days.  There is no better time to get your freak on! 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Something in your anus will cause it to itch for the next week. On top of an irritated ass, you’ll also be cursed to walk through invisible spider webs. This is not a good week for socializing…or sh*tting. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:     “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 16-22, 2010

When the worst seems to get you down and you’ve run out of booby traps in your stained bag of tricks, there’s only one person who can help steer you in the direction away from karma, stink bombs and a winch named “Lady Luck.”  That person is Hottywood

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Your saliva will taste like mop water. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Change your washcloth for a new outlook on life. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Beware of sky rats.  They are plotting to take over the world.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Two words are guaranteed to get you through the day – “F*ck it.”

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

The texture of your toilet paper will determine the execution of your day. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Ketchup and white socks hold the answers to all of your questions today.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Chest hair is not meant for braiding.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

It’s not what you do but who you are that matters.  Unless of course, you do the wrong thing at the wrong time in front of the wrong people. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Whoever told you, “winning isn’t everything,” merely found a nice way to tell you it’s best to win at losing than it is to lose at winning. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Do some cleaning today.  Start with your nose and your butt.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Your love life is booming as you are likely to attract anyone with no job and a criminal record. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Someone is going to ask your opinion on a matter you care nothing about.  Put your hand over your heart and do what you do best.  Lie. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:     “We must believe in luck.  How else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 24-30, 2011

Discovering the real you is something that happens when you least expect it.  It only happens when you realize there is a positive side to belching in public.  Now’s your time to experience the joys of tomorrow’s stares. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Tongue-kissing like a puppy is a big turn off. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You can solve any problem with a big payoff and no witnesses. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You may spend ½ the day trying to figure out what it is you have in common with a midget giraffe on steroids. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

In time, you will learn to appreciate the joyous sensation of peeing with the door open.

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Beware of fish today. That includes fish sticks, fish & chips, and women with bad hygiene. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Someone is going to tell you, “You’re too stupid to be from this planet.”  Don’t get offended.  Aliens are making a comeback. 

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Your face may be ashy and cracked this week and it may have a direct impact on the growing population of rat droppings and rusted copper toe rings. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Cheese curls will mysteriously appear in your pocket and the sun will set upon the east.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

That overwhelming feeling you have burning the inner depths of your soul will be revealed after a revelation on the toilet. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You might institute a “drop your pants” day, at the end of the week.  This may or may not change people’s perception of your slutty inhibitions.  You may also get a promotion.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Dust all the lint balls from the corners of your room and ask yourself what that has to do with the legalization of marijuana. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Being cheap is not a bad thing.  It’s just a cover up for something stirring in your bowels. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:     “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 25 – May 1, 2010

If all your shower water suddenly turned cold and the toilet bowl steamed up with the smelliness of your McDonald’s waste, it could prove to be a bad week.  But why second guess your bad luck when you can get the real answers from someone who knows best? 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Your prejudices may lead you astray today and leave you requiring four or five stitches.  The bright side is that is the bright side. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If people keep telling you that you remind them of a skanky blond haired smurf who wears white pumps after Labor Day, then Houston, you have a problem. More so if you’re a boy.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Terrible consequences may occur if you are hit by a vehicle driven by a penguin wearing smelly gym socks and a smoking a Newport cigarette.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You may be serenaded with a romantic ballad on your birthday that goes a little something like this: “You remind me of jeep…”  Either you’re one ugly mofo or it’s time to go on a diet. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will discover that the person you trust most is on lock down in a cell block that begins with the first four letters of the alphabet.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

It’s time to re-evaluate yourself if the person on the other side of the mirror wants nothing to do with you. 

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Reach out to someone you’d normally never say “hello” to.  Be sure to have a gas mask and a baseball bat handy.  Their breath will remind you why you’re always so blatantly shady. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Going commando is your contribution to giving back to society.  Turning tricks is the new “community service.” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You are in for a lot of attention today and it has nothing to do with that questionable brown streak on the back of your pants. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Flash your church minister for an unexpected blessing in the form of a restraining order and a round trip ticket to hell. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You may start off your day feeling as if no one gets you.  Find solace in knowing that your day will end the same way. There’s no point in trying if you’re going to get the same end result. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

It’s a good time for you to hang out with a crowd of friends.  If you don’t have any, go to the supermarket and squeeze a few melons…or breasts.   

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Quote of the Week:     “You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 18-24, 2010

Are you tired of people laughing at you behind your back without your knowing what the hell is so funny?  Then you’ve come to the right place.  I’ll be glad to tell you why the joke’s on you! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Surround yourself with people who are dumber than you in order to appear smarter.  Good luck with that.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

When the IRS comes knocking at your door, it’ll be smart to have rubber glued to your ass so you can bounce like all your checks. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Sometimes it’s necessary to be wrong for all the right reasons – even if punching is involved. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

The only use you will provide this week will be to keep a coffee table from wobbling. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Belching is the only time you seem to make sense. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You can work wonders with a pair of tube socks, a paper clip and a roll of toilet paper.  Know your limitations.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

That restless feeling you’ve been going through lately is just your body telling you it’s time to stop acting like a complete bitch.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

One fatal question will plague your mind this week: “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Farting a hole in your underwear will be the highlight of your week. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If you want something done right, pay someone smarter to do it. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Turn the heat up on your relationship by upping the temperature on your thermostat. 

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You might as well laugh at yourself since everyone else is laughing at you. Follow the trend. 

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Quote of the Week:     “Don’t let silence be the last thing you say.”  

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 11-17, 2010

If looks could kill, you wouldn’t have anything to worry about.  However there are many other catastrophic things that could happen to you this week if you aren’t prepared with the wisdom of Hottywood Helps. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

There’s only one thing that separates you from that jerk no one can stand – your name! 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but when it comes to your breath, the only person you’re fooling is yourself.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

The wind beneath your wings is nothing but gas. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You don’t have to wonder if everyone is talking about you behind your back.  They are. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

It’s time for you to see yourself as the asshole everyone else sees you as. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

No one can stomach the lies you’re pulling out of your ass. 

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

This week, people will wonder how is it that you have such a big head and nothing ever on your mind. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

There are many reasons to tie someone’s shoe strings together before throwing them into traffic. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You’ve tried patience.  You’ve tried understanding.   You’ve even tried silence.  Now it’s time to try threats and bribery. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If someone tells you they need space, take it as a compliment.  You aren’t that fun to be around. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

To some, you are playful, cute and cuddly – just like a chiwahwah.  Luckily you have a face to match.    

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Stepping out of the norm will cause people to applaud your decision to bathe.

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:     “Pushing someone down a flight of stairs can be considered exercise for both parties.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 21-27, 2010

So what you got dumped for someone younger, smarter and way hotter?  If you’dve only come to Hottywood first, I could’ve taught you how to pretend to be better than you are and warned you to stay away from that last chocolate chip cookie.  Never fear, there’s always something better than what you thought was the best! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

The only worst thing that could happen to you is if you’re sold on the black market and fondled by filth.  It’s going to be a rough week. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Lying about your age will only work if you have four legs and tail…or if you look like you should have four legs and a tail. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

That scratching you keep hearing at the door is only your skeletons falling out of the closet. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

It’s not okay to have to wear a bra for the humps on your back. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Indulge your inner weirdo this week, no matter who is watching.  In other words — just be yourself! 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Pushing your stomach in a wheel barrel is not considered exercise, you fat ass.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

There is no fear in love.  The fear comes when your ass is about to get dumped. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The one thing you’ll be recognized for the most at work will be not showing up at all.   

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

The echo you keep hearing in your head is just proof that not all elevators go to the top floor.  ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

There’s one thing you have in common with a public service station restroom — the smell

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Let people not like you for who you are instead of who you pretend to be. 

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You won’t host any pity parties this week, but you may be the guest of honor at a few of them.  Don’t worry.  Being lonely is the new “bunned up.” 

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Quote of the Week:    “Not all kool-aid stains are washed in the same detergent.”