If there’s one thing you should know it’s in what direction your luck may go. Whether left or right or right or wrong, in stinky bloomers or uncomfortable thongs. The week begins with a fall of rain and all weekend fun is now down the drain. You may be surprised at what comes your way but with a little help you can play it safe. If you remember one thing and nothing else, never forget that Hottywood Helps!
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
December 22 – January 19
No amount of heat will be enough to get the wrinkles out of any of your shirts. Carry a paper cup for spare change, you bum.
January 20 – February 18
For seven days, you will either be profusely sweaty or profusely gassy.
February 19 – March 20
You might be in control over your own destiny, but you have no control over a shady bitch named Karma.
March 21 – April 19
Carrying a rabbit’s foot may be lucky for you as long as you don’t pay attention to the fact that you’re carrying the luck of that poor dead legless bunny.
April 20 – May 20
You will stutter and spit every time a pigeon flaps its wings.
May 21 – June 20
People will only understand you if you speak in “baby talk.” Babies will just look at you like you’re stupid.
June 21 – July 22
Bathing in boiled potato water just may change the outcome of your day. The question remains, “For better or for worse?”
July 23 – August 22
A great hooker once said, “You have to give in order to get.”
August 23 – September 22
Having multiple personalities will come in handy when you drive in the HOV lane during rush hour.
September 23 – October 22
By complete accident, you will ask one too many questions and receive a priceless punch in the lower lip area.
October 23 – November 21
One of your greatest strengths is being the only one not invited to any parties.
November 22 – December 21
If someone tells you you’re the spitting image of Tevin Campbell, they’re not complimenting you.
Quote of the Week: “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
THINGS MEN HATE: A Fail-Safe Relationship Buzz Kill
From a Male Perspective
Ladies, have you ever wondered why a guy is just not that into you? Well I’m going to do you a favor and give you a quick glimpse of the most common mistakes women make that runs a guy off into the night like a bull chasing an armadillo. Listen closely. This advice just may save your relationship!
It is said that we meet people for a reason; that every person serves a purpose for coming into our lives. So what the hell does that mean? Most women spend their entire lives trying to figure out what this purpose is, totally missing out on the adventures of learning. Here’s a tip that should help make your life a little less complicated. Relax. Everything will happen in its due time, so let it. Stop waiting. Stop expecting. Stop forcing, and just relax. I can’t say this enough. This is RULE #1.
Guys don’t want to be hog-tied in the first trimester of a relationship. There’s no need to lay it on too thick. When you meet a guy, don’t assume that he’s ‘the one’ right away. Ease up on the over-excessive phone calls and txt messages. Stop expecting him to come to your house every evening. …and for goodness sake, don’t go screwing things up by introducing him to your family and all your friends. This is an instant red flag – a prime example of gripping your man by the balls and squeezing tightly until he screams like a little old b*tch. Introductions to your family and friends scream formality and commitment. It also implies that you’re spilling all the juicy details of your personal business. Don’t do this! I repeat: DON’T do this!
Nine times out of ten, a man hasn’t taken the opportunity to get to know you as well as you’d think or hope. He’s too busy enjoying the perks of a new woman on his arm or in his bed. In this stage of the game, there’s no pressure and he is looking forward to seeing you again, provided your face does not resemble the bottom of his shoe.
Keep in mind that men like to be in control. Give us a chance to chase you. It’s alright to play a little game of cat and mouse, especially in the beginning of a new relationship. And if you think about it, it benefits you as well. Not being so leach-like will give you an opportunity to see just how much we’re in to you (…on our terms, not yours).
Don’t crap this up: Enjoy the ride. It won’t be new forever so appreciate it now. If you want to keep your relationship fresh, take my advice and relax. Back the hell off and keep plenty of beer in your refrigerator.
Not applying pressure to your relationship, as you would foundation to your face, will give your fling a chance to breathe. It will keep things between you and your man smooth and light. Men enjoy as little complication as possible. We like situations that don’t require too much thinking or responsibility. We are carefree. We ride on the wind; we are the breeze in the air. We like to appreciate a situation for what we can see and touch. Most women explore deeper than that. Women search for the meaning of a situation. To you, everything has a reason. If a man doesn’t call you, you want to know ‘why’, ‘what did you do’, ‘who was he with’…you’re not relaxing.
RULE #2, nobody’s stupid. Contrary to what you believe, all men are not stupid. You may insist that we do nothing but play mind games with you, but believe me when I say that we know you play them too. You test us. You ask us the same question repeatedly in many variations. You seek direction from your friends, inviting them into something that you should only be sharing with us. You use your feminine wilds to seduce us and persuade our thinking. You try to make us jealous. You get angry at us for no reason, in hopes that we’ll offer a confession to something you believe we’re guilty of. You’ll even stop speaking to us to guilt us into a well of shame.
Your obsession with monitoring the direction and intensity of a relationship will take over the free spirit of what you and your lover began with. You have a need to know where the union is headed next. Soon your clock will start ticking.
Cease to take control of the reins and let nature do the driving. When you demand too much control, you relinquish your desire to relax, therefore scratching the sandpaper against the pavement of your romantic journey.
Sharing is good, but not too much. RULE #3 ladies. We love to see you. We love to hear how your day is going, but there is no need to cram a novel’s worth of information down our throats as soon as you get a chance. Give us a break. We are under a lot of pressure, too. It’s not necessary to give us the details of your brand new BCBG dress or your DKNY shoes. We don’t care about what your coworker’s neighbor said to the gardener who lives around the corner from some old lady’s church pastor.
The more details you give, the deeper the hole you dig for our interest. “Shut up…” is what we’re thinking. After about 30 seconds, our attention span has moved on to something else. You are now wasting your breath and annoying the hell out of us. Besides, the more you share, the more you’ll want us to share. Men are private by nature. We are protectors of our own. We are shielded and guarded like tortoises in a pit. We do not share the details of our lives because we must guard them as if we were in a war; a battle for survival.
It is important to let a man let down his guard for you. If you aim all of your ammunition at us, you are not breaking us down. You are forcing us to assess the strategy of your offense. Stop asking questions and let the answers unfold. Bottom line…know when to the shut the hell up!
What I’ve given you are the top three fail-safe relationships rules. Following these rules will get you past the three-month mark. Let’s review:
If you’ve kept up with this far, then you have a head start in the dating game, fresh from a man’s perspective. Because I like to see people happy and their relationships healthy, I’m going to give you a few more tips on how to avoid f*cking up a good thing with a man. It’s a fairly short list, considering we are not that complicated however, this little insight may save you a lot of lonely Friday nights.
To avoid eating a slice of “Men’s Chocolate Layered Hate” cake:
If we want you to know what we’re thinking, we’ll tell you. Asking us what is on our minds does not make us want to share it with you. You are violating our space. You are breaking down our wall. You are throwing live hand grenades at us in hopes to destroy our hardened shell that we were all born with. You are grabbing our nuts and removing our manhood to transfer it yourselves. Stop. Think about what you are doing or consider the lie you will tell your friends about your upcoming breakup.
How do I even say this gently? Mind your damn business! Asking us about our bills is intrusive, rude and not respected. We would rather drink live snake venom than to discuss our bills with you. We know this is a way that most people get into the amount of their mate’s bank account to calculate the next few years of their life. RED FLAG ALERT: This is a dead give away that you are obvious, sneaky and nosy and you must be destroyed.
By nature we do stupid things like ignore traffic signals, run old people over with our cars or knock off liquor stores. The less you know, the safer you are and the happier we’ll be. Each day that we have not been pulled over by the police or confronted by our supervisors is a day of relief. Please do not ruin a good day by asking us the details of any situation we tried so hard not to tell you, to begin with. As in Rule #3, know when to shut the f*ck up!
If you value the use of your fingers, you will not reach for anything off our plates. This includes French fries, pickles, potato chips and shrimp. When we take you out to dinner, whether it’s a 5-star dine-in eatery with French wine or the corner fast food drive-thru, where you can super-size your order, here’s your chance to order anything you want off the menu. If something intrigues you off our plate, then that’s what you should order the next time we go out. Cannon balling your fingers into our plate is rude, insensitive and unsanitary. Do not do it. It is mean and thoughtless and we will not forgive you for it.
We enjoy our own space. We want to be able to leave our dirty socks all over the house and not have to worry about your asking us to clean it up. We like to eat bologna sandwiches and leave the toilet seat up and we relish in our moments of silence – free of questions, obsessions, nagging and sappy emotions. We pride ourselves in our control over the sports channel and porn. Grant us our privacy. Do not sink us in the river with weights by asking us to listen to your whiny voices and force upon our eyes, the wretched sight of you without makeup and mismatched rollers in your hair.
We hate this! You know damn well what you are doing. We are well aware that you are marking your territory; setting booby traps just in case another female crosses our threshold. What you do not know is that we prepare for this. We have infrared scanning tools to detect suspicious activity, such as this. Every man also owns a secret vault to hide your left-behinds.
Nothing says “insult his manhood” more than asking a man to pick up your personal female products from the store. I don’t think any further explanation is quite needed here. If you want to ensure that your lover does not go off and jump in front of a bus, do not ask him to commit this relationship crime.
We are probably unsure if our involvement with you will last three months, especially if you have defied any of the above mentioned most hated violations. Saying that you love us is equivalent to drawing a shotgun. If we love you, we will tell you at our own pace. Do not attempt to speed up the “I love you’s.” It will not change the perception of what we feel. Slow down, be patient and let us express our emotions to you. Booty calls are our weakness. Instead of telling us you love us, wear sexier lingerie and perform tricks that will make our toes curl. This is a much safer and appreciated approach to the lovey-dovey bulls*hit.
In conclusion ladies, stop putting a timer and a lo-jack on the relationship. Chill out and see where things go. Find out what you could be in store for. It could be a fun ride. The fun part isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s the journey getting there.
I hope I haven’t offended too many women out there in reader-land. To all who have learned something, and for those of you who haven’t learned a damn thing, come back anytime to check me out. As long as it’s before 11am. If you knock on my door or ring my phone before then, I’ll cut your ass. You can bet your bottom dollar on that.
Until next time my little stale packs of M&Ms. Remember – 90% of any effort is getting started!
Quote of the week: “You can lead a dog to a toilet, but you can’t teach him to sh*t there.”
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