Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 2-8, 2010

So the weekend is over and now you’re worried that Karma is on its way to bite you in the ass for that dastardly prank you played on someone you deemed silly, stupid or pointless.  Let me save you some worry.  It is!  Karma is a bad mutha-shut your mouth and ALWAYS gets even.  Luckily, you have Hottywood to tell you what’s in the cards for your luck.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Be sure you have the chops to back up your lies because there are about 10 people lined up to call your bluff.  Watch out for ass whoopings. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Pimples and weight gain are an even exchange for an all cake diet. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Never make it common practice to speak without thought unless booze, stripper poles or chicken wings are present. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Learn to appreciate the little things in life – like peeing while standing up. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

All your kisses will taste like raw salmon. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You may be inclined to be careless, heartless or cold.  Relax. You’re just horny.  Visit the lubricant section of your local porno shop.    

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Something small makes way for something big tomorrow.  Company is coming in the form of acne.  Prepare to be a laughing stock.  

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Unexpressed feelings can brew into a pricey bar brawl.  If you are already a violent lush, then you have nothing to worry about. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Bushy eyebrows are a prefect way to alter an already bad look.  Hamsters are also on sale. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Speaking about your nipples in the third person will result in a very surprising outcome. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You will be on a spiritual journey toward a bright light, white throne and hand towels.  However, the heavenly choir may sound like a toilet flush echoing in the wind.  

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Someone may get the wrong impression if you wish them a safe trip over a cliff or an open window.  Who cares?  Think of only yourself.   

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Quote of the Week:     Don’t be so humble.  You are not that great.”

What Becomes of a Broken Heart: Getting the Last Laugh

Can we talk seriously for a moment?  …I didn’t think so, but let’s give it a shot anyway.  

They say “the heart wants what the heart wants.”  But what happens when the heart you want doesn’t want you back?  Wait.  Here’s a more thought provoking question: What happens when the heart that didn’t want you before, wants you now?  How do you deal?  Do you overlook the pain and suffering you endured when you were rejected by that special someone?  Do you pretend those feelings never existed or proceed with a lot of caution and a lot more ninja stars?  The answers are never easily revealed.  For the most part, it’s a matter of, you guessed it — the heart.  

Some people believe in second chances.  Some believe in fate.  Some believe that everything happens for a reason.  Those people are silly.  The really smart people believe that there are reasons why things didn’t work out the first time.  And those people are right.  Nine times out of ten if someone is trying to win you over or win you back, it’s because they miss you or something about you.  That much is worth the flattery but not necessarily the revisit.  There’s no guarantee that the second time around would be better than the first.  In fact, chances are it would be a recap of the tubs of ice cream and comfort food you wolfed down when you were dumped; stranded; ignored; rejected; underestimated; and underappreciated.  Only a fool would agree to go through that torment and weight gain again.  If there is/was something that someone didn’t like about you to begin with, it’s only a matter of time before those same turnoffs turn them off again, carrying your ass right back to the drawing board. 

Instead of asking yourself gratuitous questions like, “What if…?” this is your moment to take the opportunity to revel in the delight of getting the last laugh.  Somewhere between those buckets of tears and buckets of wings, you said to yourself that your ex lover would miss you when you were gone.  You may not have known when, if, or even how, but you knew in your heart that you were worth missing.  Them crawling back to you while whispering sweet nothings is the validation you could’ve only dreamed of and hoped for.  This is your just reward for loving someone who wouldn’t love you back; your trophy; your red ribbon!  The best part of sitting in the winner’s circle is that you know you are better than before.  You don’t need justification.  You don’t need someone else to tell you how great you are.  It’s nice to hear, but it’s not necessary — especially if it’s coming from someone who’s only speaking with empty words. 

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Life has a funny little way of telling you some good sh*t.  You just have to be open to listening to what it has to say.

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Always remember, “the path to your future does not rest in the baggage you carry on your back.”  Moving on and accepting new things is not as difficult as you may imagine.  Granted, it may take a little effort but 90% of any effort is getting started, the rest is a breeze.   Get the last laugh.  Laugh long and laugh loud! 

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Quote of the week:   “The first step in getting the things you want out of life is to decide on what it is you want.”