Twas the Night Before Christmas in the Hood

By Hottywood Helps

Twas the night before Christmas, all was said and done

Not a creature stirred, not a roach, rat or bum.

The stockings were hung on the radiator with fear

That St. Nicholas would knock it over like he did last year.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

High from the weed that had gone to their heads.

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled our skins from a long booty clap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a noise,

Someone’s car was being jacked by some random masked boys.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

To make sure it wasn’t my car or I’d have to kick someone’s ass.

The moonlight bounced off the oil stained snow

Which pissed off the property manager and the neighborhood ho.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a pimped out sleigh and mutts dressed as reindeer.

With a little old driver shifting gears on the stick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his curse words came,

He whistled, and slurred, and called the bitches by name!

“Now Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen!

To the top of the hood and over that wall!

Don’t piss on the roof or else I’ll slip and fall!

The bare naked trees that stood tall in the sky

Were blocking the vision of my already bad eyes.

To the roof of the projects the pimped ride flew,

With a bag of IOU’s and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

St. Nicholas falling into a pile of dog poop.

He was wiping his butt when I turned around.

St. Nick wasn’t as jolly as you’d expect him to sound.

He was dressed all in leather, from his head to his feet,

He gave me a head nod instead of using words to speak.

He carried with him a bundle of toys

That he’d stolen from other little girls and boys.

His eyes were red from the liquor he drank.

His breath was all stinky.  Santa was tanked!

He was mad from the poop that was smeared on his clothes,

Either that or from when he accidentally rubbed his nose.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

The same as the crackhead’s from down the street.

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

I think he had the munchies because he asked for some jelly.

Stoned or drunk, he was a giant old midget

That was stealing, not giving, and couldn’t control his fidget.

A wink of his eye cloaked with Christmas care

Made me think I should probably be scared.

He spoke not a word, he made not a sound,

But as I predicted knocked the radiator to the ground.

When the children woke up, out of the window he flew,

Santa had done what he’d come to do.

He left us with nothing but a note under the tree

That read, “Next year Christmas is on me.”

I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,

“Merry Christmas next year ’cause tonight is my night!”

___________________________________________________________

 ___________________________________________________________

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 10-16, 2016

image

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The only use you will provide this week will be to keep a coffee table from wobbling.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Sometimes it’s necessary to be wrong for all the right reasons, even if punching is involved.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Belching seems to be the only time you make sense.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

On Thursday, your hair will thin until there’s nothing left but a bald spot in the shape of Elvis Presley that’s only noticeable when you stand at the bottom of a staircase some time on Friday in the middle of the night.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You may be surprised to realize the best literature is the stuff you read on bathroom walls.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Someone’s intentions will smell like sweaty gym socks . . . or you may just need to wash your feet.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If your toe knuckles are shedding, something is not right.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

If you like camel humps, then this is the week for you. Your soda will be extra fizzy and your French fries will stay hotter longer. 17 is your lucky number except on those days ending in the letter “y.”


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Do not budge until the reaction from Taco Bell’s classic taco tells you otherwise.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Slow down and rest before the bags under your eyes are accidentally mistaken for oddly placed breasts.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Every day you don’t run over a pedestrian, you’re saving someone’s life. Be a hero every day. Don’t run over pedestrians on Mondays.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If you don’t know then nobody knows, but everyone knows you know. All I know is that if you don’t know (and I know you know), you know you ought to be ashamed of yourself.


Quote of the week:  “Don’t be the same old you someone remembers. Be better . . . or at least dress like it.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 8-14, 2016

pancake-o

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


This week’s HORRORscope is for all of the zodiac signs. 

“Your nipples will expand to the size of

flap-jacks.” 


Quote of the week:  “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”


Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 1-7, 2016

magic orange

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

P.M. is the best time for plastic surgery; A.M. is a good time to buy breath mints wholesale.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You will benefit from a stroke of good fortune. It probably won’t happen until four tax seasons from now, though.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are coming to the end of a highly creative period. That’s what happens when the effects of alcohol wears off.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

You may find that you’ll get better results of obtaining the things you want if you flash your boobs. But understand that flashing may get your ass locked up. Then you’ll be flashing more than you bargained for with your new cellmate.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You are able to climb higher than you ever anticipated. Never cutting your toenails finally pays off.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Tomorrow during A.M or P.M. rush hour, you will be sandwiched between a man that smells of bad body odor and a wino that smells of old beer. That will give you an indication of how the rest of your week will go. It stinks to be you. No pun intended…well, sorta.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your idea that you are attractive to the opposite sex is rooted in your vivid imagination. The rest of us laugh a lot about that.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

In your next life, you may marry a pro-Frisbee champion.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Your garage is a shrine to your half-assedness.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Tomorrow afternoon check career opportunities at McDonald’s.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You have no special skills not involving a broom. However,  you are clean every Wednesday.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

All your friends pretend not to notice your lack of intelligence – at least to your face.


Quote of the week:  “Co-workers often mimic your poor posture.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 17-23, 2016

Bad Day

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Working from 8 to 5 and playing from 7 to 4 leaves you with just enough time to fill those bags under your eyes.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you’re lucky, you may see Elvis Presley buying a pack of C batteries at a 24 hour Walgreen’s.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

If you eat a cookie made from the fart of a cat some time today, you will meet your spiritual animal on the eve of next Thursday, after an episode of the Golden Girls.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Nothing says revenge like 50,000 rotten eggs and a chainsaw.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your butt is getting so big that soon you’ll be entering a room doggy-style.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

If Scope fails, gargle with cologne.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A childhood memory reminds you that you are deathly afraid of grown men dressed as hot dogs.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

You’re eager to show someone the ropes. And by “ropes,” I mean your private parts.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Most people are younger and better looking in the dark.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Someone loves you very much. They only know how to express that love through anger, shaving and criticism.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Even the strongest faucet leaks a few drops.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

By the end of the day, your lucky bacon-themed socks’ luck will run out when they begin to smell more like corn chips than bacon.


Quote of the week:  “The biggest lie you can tell yourself is that you don’t need to write that down.”

Click HERE to see what others are asking

or dial

(302) 36HOTTY to leave your question for our Ask Hottywood advice column


wpid-picsart_1435935380046.jpg

Click HERE to get your copy of HottywoodHelps.com’s debut novel,

“Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 13-19, 2016

Beer in Future

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Remove the “L” from Lover and there you have it; OVER.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Be careful. Right now you may be able to buy anything you want, but one day you may have to beg for something you need.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

If they don’t love you when the wrinkles in your skin look like a road map, tell ’em to hit the road.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Sex is fine (well maybe great). Gold is finer (platinum is better). But pizza is irreplaceable!


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Wrong questions get wrong answers.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

It’s going to feel like a water balloon popped between your legs. What you do with this information is between you and God.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A deaf husband and a blind wife a happy couple does make, until someone needs the remote control.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Slow down and rest before the bags under your eyes are mistaken for oddly placed breasts, which, if you’re man, may looker weirder than it sounds.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Nothing brings two people together like potato chips.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Masturbation keeps you from ****ing the wrong people.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You will be attacked by three baby midget sumo wrestlers on the night of the third Friday before a highly anticipated corn harvest festival.


Quote of the week:  “Thanks to Facebook, you now know what everyone’s bathroom looks like.”

A Historic Leap Year Bedtime Story: You’ve Got to Pay to Play

Fellas, today is the one day that you really don’t want to wear deodorant – especially if you’re single or once hooked up with a woman who saw hearts on your nipples instead of androgenic hair.

History deems February 29th as the day when any three-eyed bearded woman, whose weight happens to be more than a double-trunked compact automobile, is allowed to pursue any man of her desire relentlessly for 24 hours and beat the hell out of him until he agrees to marry her.  Refusal of the proposed nuptuals would come at a price.

The tale began some time in 5th century Ireland, when a desperate wench in the heat of unbridled passion finally asked the question to her then inamorato, “What’s love got to do with it?”, which [arguably] later inspired Tina Turner’s 1984 hit single “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”  

The wench, very generous with her “jewelry box,” was pretty pissed off at her gentlemen caller for hooking up with her for her booty without taking up interest in asking for her hand in marriage.  Tired of being labeled a harlot, one night while wrapped in the arms of her philanderer, she finally complained of the sexual unfairness.  Much like today, the man friend spoke from his head in the southern region rather than the northern, and finally relented to set aside February 29th as the day the harlot would be allowed the right to ask for his hand in marriage.  As years passed and their relationship dissipated, four years succeeding their emotionless relations the moll took the sir up on his offer, not discerning the family he had since started with another woman of whom he’d developed genuine feelings for.

The harlot, who had not heard from her ex mister in a few turns of a set of 365 days, 5 hours, 48 minutes and 46 seconds, tracked down her old beau to insist that he honor the promise he made to her in the bed where they lay one February night four calendars passed.  She had ridden a mule to the gentleman’s manor and hid behind a tall horse in a backyard stable with unsubtle patience, awaiting his bride to leave the grounds with their young.  Once the beau was left alone in the abode, she entered the estate, stripped him of his clothes as any honorable 5th century hooker would, and screwed him silly.  With each pelvic thrust upon his, she reminded him of the promise he made to her four years preceding that moment of conscripted fornication.  Now, being a faithful gentleman betrothed to the woman who bore his namesake, the former gigolo refused the harlot’s proposal.  Luckily for him, this woman was scorned in the 5th century and not in present day time.  Although the history of this tale is not completely substantiated, it is rumored that once the proposal was rejected, the harlot forced a razor to the gentleman’s neck and demanded that he repay her heartbreak with a final [tongue] kiss, a silk dress or a pair of gloves.

…talk about a cheap date.

Since then, February 29th has been associated with the day where a woman can be a butch for 24 hours and ask for a man’s hand in marriage or make him pay a penalty for [the proposal] rejection, which if you ask me is a win-win for the woman.  Who’s being unfair now?


Quote of the Week:  “Love is not having to say you’re sorry, unless of course your private parts stink when you’re getting special kisses.”

Click HERE to see what others are asking

or dial

(302) 36HOTTY to leave your question for our Ask Hottywood advice column


TUAC Cover

Click HERE to get your copy of HottywoodHelps.com’s debut novel,

“Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 7-13, 2016

flying cat

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

There is a difference between butterflies and bubble guts.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A gentleman’s name should only appear in a newspaper three times: (1) When he’s born; (2) When he’s married and; (3) When he dies.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

People come and go, but carryout wings are forever.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your idea of fine foods may involve some form of hot dogs.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Never let the one you love go away without saying something nice about their nipple pasties.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Your blatant dishonesty may cause some problems some time around high noon.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Sadly, this week you have no special skills not involving a broomstick and a cauldron.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

Your shoes will smell like they were born on your feet.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You will become repulsive the older you grow and the bags under your eyes will look bleak. But you’ll save 50 bucks on your car insurance.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

It may be time to give up on your fantasy of meeting Rush Limbaugh in person.


 

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Tomorrow evening, check career opportunities at McDonald’s.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your closest friends enjoy having parties that are kept secret from you and your co-workers often mimic your poor posture. Today is a good day to spiral curl your pubic hair.


Quote of the week:  “From bad customs good proverbs are born.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 17-23, 2016

SOUL

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Always trust anyone that you meet at the local MVA who dons faux hazel eyes. They don’t care if anyone knows their eyes are fake. They have nothing to hide.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Someone with a lot of teeth and polyester will change your lunch break forever.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Don’t buy a goldfish. Or have pets. Or babysit your neighbor’s children. You can barely keep a rock garden alive.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

The best place you’ll ever find yourself in life is second in line at the liquor store. Your standards are measured by the size of a brown paper bag.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You don’t need a very long spoon to dine with the devil.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The next time you miss your aim inside a port-a-potty will be the next time the world may actually come to an end.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Lure the wolf with a hen.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

Remember; “Your abs are made in the kitchen.” 


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If you can live through humiliating yourself in front of Chinese people, you can live through anything.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

If you ever get upset, just pee into a random person’s Range Rover. It’ll make you feel better in no time.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You have two right decisions to make and both of them will be wrong.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You know more of what you don’t want than that of what you do. Beware. That may be your undoing.


Story of the week: BANK ROBBER CAUGHT AFTER STOPPING FOR CHICKEN AND BISCUITS 2 BLOCKS FROM HEIST

Moral of the story: Don’t stop for chicken after robbing a bank.

Click HERE to see what others are asking

or dial

(302) 36HOTTY to leave your question for our Ask Hottywood advice column


TUAC Cover

Click HERE to get your copy of HottywoodHelps.com’s debut novel,

“Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of December 13-19, 2015

dog psychic

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

All of your sweatshirts may smell of old pork lo mein.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You can change your mind many times in a thousand years. Well, technically you can’t because you’ll be dead in about 60 years unless you’re a witch, a vampire or Nicholas Cage.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Lying about your age is proof that it is never too late to hire a math tutor.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Never do what you don’t want to do, except on 2nd dates – because that’s just good manners.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your butt looks like you are trying to smuggle two bald guys across the border.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

A river too pure has no fish.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The way you look today is the best you’re going to look for the rest of your life.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

That gut feeling you’re experiencing is not a McDonald’s Big Mac settling on your stomach. Some shit is about to go down. No pun intended. Be ready.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You begin as a 7. After 100 cosmetic products and 3 ½ hours of prep work, you turn into a very temporary 9.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

If you made someone cum this year, you owe them a Christmas present.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Nothing takes the venom out of a strongly worded email like a spelling error.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your hair may smell like an improperly dried wash cloth.


Quote of the week:  “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, does that make it a success?” ~Jerry Seinfeld

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 15-21, 2015

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You stand for three things: truth, justice and candy corn.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

All of your cantaloupe will end up on the right side of your fruit salad.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Go to your local grocery store and randomly shadow box in the produce section. See what happens.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Be sure not to do anything to attract the attention of baby lizards.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Today may be the day, whether you like it or not, to speak on a concerning recurring and resentful issue of someone’s inability to match their socks with their belt.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You may have to give your seat up on the bus for a blind man and his seeing eye llama.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You have a reason to be about as jumpy as a mermaid at a fish fry.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

This week you will speak as if you are storing a mouthful of acorns.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You can totally think of five nemeses more archier than your #1 arch nemesis, and one of them will be wrapped in a yellow boa.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

When the moon crosses paths with Jupiter, you will be to be more charming than you actually are. This will be a perfect time to meet a soul mate who has established a successful career as a parrot breeder.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Everything can be controlled except farts, and the amount of time it takes for a Domino’s pizza delivery…oh and Lindsay Lohan and the shrill of Aaron Neville’s voice.


Quote of the week:  “Only trust people who like big butts. They they cannot lie.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 18-24, 2015

non_psychic

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Every time you don’t say “thank you” for any act of random kindness that someone shows you, your tongue will burn as if you’ve ingested a thousand baby stick pins and your nails will crumble like old Masking tape.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Someone is likely to beat you up in a parking lot. There is no question about that.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The best way to get your point across today is to speak like a parrot.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Every one of your belches will make a cross-eyed gold fish die. This is your way of giving back to your community.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Do not chew up watermelons and spit the seeds at ducks. This will lower your vitamin levels.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Beware. You may be attacked by a lonely old office-hag whose renter’s insurance just lapsed.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If a man tells you his real middle name, you are officially betrothed.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

You are sure to win a Nobel Prize if you can successfully photograph a midget leprechaun doing the Electric Slide on stilts in the middle of an Arizona desert at night while blindfolded and wearing a pinky ring.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way. Wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

You don’t lack in the power of speech. You lack in the power of conversation.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

“Always” and “never” are two words you should always remember never to say.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Staple a block of jelly to your nipples and see how that works out for you.


Quote of the week:  “Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 4-10, 2015

HORRORscopes

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Paper plates are your best china.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you refuse to let a pedestrian cross in the crosswalk, ten days after November 17th, your transmission will disintegrate, forcing you to catch the bus. Your legs will fall off during rush hour and no one will give up their seat for you on the metro.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are a quick thinker and fast on your feet, which makes you a perfect suspect for a liquor store robbery. Mistaken identity is inevitable. You have no idea what the word inevitable means.  You are also a part time moron that never travels without beer and a pocket protector.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

You will be sympathetic to someone else’s problems. You were one of those suckers born every minute.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

It’s bad luck to talk about a skin rash before any forms of foreplay. It’s also kind of gross unless you’re into that kind of thing, which no mortal should be.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

This week you will eat the biggest piece of cake on the planet and there won’t be a drop of juice in the house to wash it down with.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your local 24 hour convenience store will inconveniently close at 8PM tomorrow night.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

You are logical, practical and weird. Some would define you as boring. They would be right. You relish organization, except in your underwear drawer. Pray no one asks you about your underwear drawer. In fact, forget it even came up.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The mayor of Puppytown is a cat.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Peeing can teach you a thing or two about life. For example, once you put something into motion it is very hard to stop it. See the relation?


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

There are two things you’re good at; (1) showing up and (2) eating, which in your warped little mind is a good thing because you usually show up uninvited to parties empty handed.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You have a reckless tendency to rely on booze since you have no talent or enough confidence in people to hope they pretend to find you remotely entertaining, and your favorite colors are paisley and polka dots (yeah, neither is a color).


Quote of the week:  “Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.” -unknown

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 13-19, 2015

bad-luck

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You will almost find a psychic partner but they will leave you before you meet.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is some crap up with which you will not put.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

In everyone’s life there is a teacher that can be bribed with lunch.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Missing the toilet seat is your way of giving back to your community and the pissy people in it.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There is a strong chance you may be caught in a love triangle between two guys named Ben & Jerry.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Speaking in tongues has nothing to do with French kissing.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Today’s stupidity will be the reason behind tomorrow’s tax fraud investigation.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

Rubbing your thighs together during a power outage could save your life.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

This week, talking to you will run neck and neck in purpose as ironing a shirt that was intentionally made to be wrinkled.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

If it is for you it will be blessed. If not, know the signs and purchase a giant sling shot. It may come in handy.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Things could be worse. You could have the job of a roll of toilet paper.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Accidentally pouring sour milk in a bowl of Lucky Charms negates the cereal’s name.


Quote of the week:  “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.”