Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 14-20, 2010

When you’re in doubt about what tomorrow holds for you, there’s only one person to turn to – HOTTYWOOD!  He can tell you if you need to avoid potholes, rugrats and three-way phone calls. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.



December 22 – January 19 

All bullsh*t smells the same, no matter what asshole produces it.



January 20 – February 18

Intimate moments will be awkward because everyone you touch will feel like raw ground beef.



February 19 – March 20   

Losing is the new winning.



March 21 – April 19 

No one’s accepting your dinner invitations because nobody likes eating off plates guarded by roaches.



April 20 – May 20 

No one cares about you except the person watching you from the other side of the mirror and even they’re on the fence about you.  ___________________________________________________________


May 21 – June 20 

Despite what your mother may have told you, being kind to people only gets you but so far unless you’re just plain ugly.



June 21 – July 22 

The good news is you’re not as stupid as you look…



July 23 – August 22 

Having your picture compared to a wildlife wonder on National Geographic is not a compliment unless a lot of alcohol is involved. Then it’s just freaky. 



August 23 – September 22 

If the only thing you sweat is white liquor, there’s no wonder everyone keeps staring at you.



September 23 – October 22 

Your next date night will be a disaster because the stench of your body will wilt the salad.



October 23 – November 21 

Showing you chest hair is not going to get you a promotion, especially if you’re a hairy ass woman.



November 22 – December 21   

One of your personality’s armpits will smell like goat cheese and Funyons and will probably cock block your next booty call.


Quote of the Week:    “A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.”

Why Aren’t We F**king Anymore?


Well I was the one who opened my big mouth and said I had all the answers and oh em gee was I put to the test. Someone asked me, “Hottywood, why is it that people stop having sex once they’ve gotten into a committed, monogamous relationship?”

Not only was I left dumbfounded by this astonishing question that makes absolutely no sense, I also broke the golden rule of answering a question with a question – “What the…???”

I went back and forth in my mind on how I would approach this. I decided to start by giving some statistics: Research indicates that over 55% of partners are not interested in having sex once a relationship has been set in motion.

I’ve spoken with a ton of men and women and have learned that the problem is generally not a lack of sexual desire – it’s that they are not interested in sex with their partner for one reason or another.  Though there is no definite answer to this question, I’m going to give you a few ideas of what the hell the problem is with these idiots who want to give up the most fun part of being in a relationship.

Before I break it down and kick some knowledge to you, let me begin by telling you the school-book definition of two fools who are determined to sleep back to back every night. Yes, there is an actual definition for this bullsh*t.

The technical term is Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD); defined by the American Psychological Association as “a deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity, producing marked personal or interpersonal distress, but not the result of alcoholism, a general medical condition or substance use (medication) or abuse (street drugs).”

Sexuality in long term relationships is the result of loving energy flowing between two people. If something is blocking this energy, the sexual energy between them often gets blocked as well. 

There are a few reasons why the well has gone dry, and these reasons are not as complicated as you may think.  Follow along and learn something:

One of the partners in the relationship is one lazy mutha SHUT YOUR MOUTH!  Get off your ass and clean up.  Help with the dishes.  Put away your dirty underwear.  Take out the trash.  Put down those chocolates.  Get off the damn phone.  Pick up the kids once in while. 

You’re making your partner angry by being so lazy.  It’s good to have some skills under the sheets, but if you can’t do a damn thing else but f*ck, then your ass need to be demoted to a booty call. There is a reason why people say, “I can do bad all by myself.” 

No affection.  Believe it or not, people actually appreciate conversation.  It’d be nice to have a little small talk before you start stripping.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the right away get down, but people, especially women would like for someone to get into their mind before you discover their Victoria’s secrets.  Cuddling, or as I like call it – “spooning”, could also earn a few brownie points.  It’s okay to go the extra mile.  No one else will know besides you and the person you’re humping.   

Lack of Communication.  Communication is key!  If you don’t talk to each other, and ask the real questions why the bed is so cold, then you’re going to continue masturbating while you’re partner is not home or taking a long, cold shower.  Get to the bottom of this nonsense and do it quickly.  CHEATING is on both of your minds, and trust me, that’s a whole nother problem you probably aren’t ready to deal with.   

Too needy.  The bottom line is that this is a turn off for anyone.  Most women are turned on to a man when he is in his power and feeling good about himself. Neediness is not a turn-on. Men, too, are often not turned on to a needy woman; a woman who needs him to make love to her for her to feel safe, worthy and lovable. 

Man, woman, gay or straight…get this sh*t together.  Chances are you weren’t a needy prick before things became official.  So now you’re going to add “liar” to your list of reasons why you aren’t getting any?  If you really are needy, then you need to check that quickly or else you’ll never get laid again.   

You are now too comfortable.  Ut oh…you and your partner have become so comfortable with each other that you are no longer “get it” material.  You’re more like siblings. 

Unless you’re into incest, you can pretty much hang it up.  You’d better invest in a blow up doll, a dildo or a paid escort.   

You’ve let yourself go.  Face it, you’re not going to get any if you stop making the same effort it took to bag your partner in the first place.  Men, shave your wolfed out beard.  Ladies, shave your armpits.  Try not to get 40lbs heavier than you were before your relationship became official.  Personal hygiene is a plus and a nice outfit won’t kill you.  Let your partner know that he/she is worth you getting all jiggied up for.   

Boredom.  It isn’t uncommon for sex to become routine.  This is a sure way to lose interest.  You don’t want to know what to expect each time you lay down for the grown-up.  Explore new positions and places to be intimate.  Hell, if you have to, invite someone to watch or join in.  No, I’m not promoting infidelity or orgies, but if you aren’t getting laid right now, are you really going to rule out all the options? 

Poor self esteem – If you don’t feel good about yourself you’ll find it difficult to see yourself as a sexual person. Your partner will be seeing a very private side of you and that takes confidence.  Get a backbone and stop being such a wuss.  Up the prescription meds on your wacked out self esteem issues and stop holding out.  You can’t expect anyone else to feel good about you if you don’t feel good about yourself.  This is worse than being needy.  

Someone can do it better.  I’m going to say these phrases once and let them marinate: ‘For every one person who’s good at something, there’s always someone better.’ AND ‘Someone is always willing to do to/with your partner what are you aren’t willing to do.’  POW!   

Your partner just isn’t into you anymore.  You could be as sweet as grandma’s apple pie, but it could be terribly possible that you just aren’t attractive to your mate any more.  There’s not much you can do to fix that.  Once someone is turned off by you, they won’t miss you until you’re gone.  And IF they miss you and reconnect, chances are you’ll remind them why they stopped being attracted to you in the first place.  It’s harsh, I know, but it’s also reality.  Deal with it.   

To put it mildly, you or your partner are f*cked up and you really need to get your sh*t together.  You may get some ass every now and then if you’re lucky, but it’ll be more like a chore than a privilege.  And that one or two times you get that horse shoe out of your ass will not solidify a lengthy relationship.

Sex is too much of a beautiful thing to be deprived of it.  Meet your lover half way and talk about what your real issues are. 

Meanwhile, here are a few tips for increasing sexual desire:

  • Relax. This is the most important thing you can do. Have a bath, use deep-breathing techniques or buy a relaxation tape, and drink PLENTY of alcohol. 
  • Check your environment. Be sure there are no distractions to you becoming aroused and that the atmosphere suits your mood.
  • Enjoy being sensual before you’re sexual. Take your time and allow your body to focus on the pleasurable sensations of touch.  In other words, masturbate.  This may even turn your partner on…it’d be even better if you’re doing it for each other.  When all else fails, oral sex is a total winner!!!
  • Change your view. Get sex into the forefront of your mind by reading or watching something more raunchy than you’d normally choose. PORN PORN PORN!  Hey, it’s a form art. 
  • Focus on positives. If there’s something about your partner or yourself you don’t like, don’t think about it. Force yourself to look at and think about the positives, instead.  Basically what I’m saying here is picture yourself with someone else.  This may be crude, but if you aren’t willing to grow some balls and end the relationship all together, then you can get a fantasy going inside that warped out brain of yours. 
  • Stimulate your sympathetic nervous system. Exercise, watch a scary movie, go on a roller coaster – anything that will speed up your heart rate. Research suggests that 15 to 30 minutes later your body is more sexually responsive.

Here’s a little humor for all you married women who just aren’t into it right now. Raise your hand if you can relate:

“I give birth to your kids and you complain we don’t have sex? How do you think they were born, osmosis? Who takes care of them, drives them to school, picks them up for after school activities, drives them to sports, takes them to their friends houses, plays chauffeur, cleans, cooks, goes to PTA meetings and then caters to your sorry whiney ass when you get home. To top it off, after you eat, fart and burp, you walk out the door to go out with your buddies.

You want sex? Go  f*ck yourself!  I’m too tired.”

Well kids, 90% of any effort is getting started.  So hop to it! 


Quote of the week:       “In the sex war, thoughtlessness is the weapon of the male and the vindictiveness of the female.”

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How To Move on From a Relationship: A Lesson for the Loser Who Keeps Getting Dumped & Won’t Let Go

broken-heart-2Many who have been in a relationship know that the hardest part is overcoming the break-up.  However, the real newsflash is that your ass just won’t let go.  Therein lays your problem. 

Dealing with a break-up isn’t that difficult if you know the two basic rules of “getting over” it.  (1) Letting go and (2) Moving on.  When you are hung up on a relationship, you automatically sabotage any chance of new love.  The best kind of love is a new one.  You have to let go of the old so you can welcome the new.  

I know it’s hard.  You’ve had to endure a lot of ‘almosts’ in your love life and you want to know why you’re having such bad luck in love.  The answer is simple.  You have dependency issues.   For some odd reason you can’t seem to cut it as a person with your own purpose to exist, so you must latch on to someone else.  Well I’m going to help you out.  We’re going to talk about the two basic rules of “getting over it”, so you can get on with your life and stop being a nuisance to anyone else. 

As an abstract concept, getting over a broken relationship usually refers to a deep transgression of a failed attempt of caring for another person – most common in intimate relationships.   This limited conception encompasses a wealth of different feelings, from regretted post sexual intimacy to just plain crazy. 

Pay close attention.  Eventually you’ll be lucky enough to get yourself hitched.  In the meantime, if you know the two basic rules of getting over being dumped, you can save yourself a lot of misery and Kleenex.    It’s simple.  Follow along:

Step #1 – LET GO

letgoThe first and most important part of getting over being dumped is to keep busy and let go.  Lock yourself in a room and duct tape your eyes open long enough to preview the entire ‘Fact of Life’ series.  I don’t know exactly what this will achieve, but it’s sure as hell going to keep you from bugging the sh*t out of anyone.  Your ex doesn’t want to hear from you and your friends smelled your break-up coming a mile away.   Face it, you’re a loser.  It’s in your DNA. 

Take up a hobby.  Go bungee jumping.   Whatever you do spend all of your quality time discovering what it’s like to get on your own nerves.  You’ll be so consumed with learning that you annoy the hell out of yourself that it will become increasingly difficult to get on the nerves of others.  The point here is that you can’t overcome a break-up if you continue to deny that something is wrong with you.  By the time you’ve realized how crazy you are, you will have forgotten all about whatshisname

Step #2 – MOVE ON

MoveonAfter you’ve dealt with the fact that you’ve been dumped, it’s time to move on.  It’s the common phrase in every bad ending relationship.  “Move on you jerk!”

I know everyone says moving on too quickly is not a good idea, but no one says you have to get into a serious relationship right away.  That’s what got you into this mess to begin with.  Stop being so clingy and needy, you wuss. 

Seeing new people will keep your ex off your mind, and it’ll do your ex an even bigger favor (because they want you off their back).  Chances are they’ve told you to take a hike, kick rocks, play in traffic or pull your own tongue out so you can never speak to them again. 

Don’t get angry or be hurt by the rejection.  You should be used to it by now.  It’s probably not the last time you’ll be dumped.  At least you’ll be prepared for the next rejection if you’re lucky enough to get into another relationship. 


Before I let you go, I’m going to give you a word of advice. 

steps-breakingupIf you’re still single or have been dumped from every relationship you’ve ever been involved with, then your ass is in trouble.  Otherwise, take a look at the list below for tips on assessing if your relationship is taking a nose dive.  These tips will save you a lot of time in collecting a bunch of rocks to put in your pockets before you decide to jump in the nearest river. 

Signs Your Relationship is on the Rocks:

  • Lack of Respect.  Your partner realizes he/she can do better.  Bow out with an ounce of dignity. 
  • A One-Way Relationship.  If you’re putting your all into your relationship and your partner isn’t, chances are they’re totally bored with you and are exploring other options…or hiring a Hitman.  In any case, run!
  • Ignored Phone Calls.  There are a couple of reasons why your mate is not returning your calls.  The sound of your voice is annoying and your address book entry has been changed from your government name to “DO NOT ANSWER THIS DAMN PHONE.” They’ve found something or someone else better to do with their time. Or, they just don’t want to talk to you.  A word to the wise: calling someone excessively is not going to make them answer the phone. 
  • Pleasant Company Excluded.  If it’s more of a relief to be apart than together, take a damn hint.
  • The sex has stopped.  Uh oh.  You’re in trouble.  You have been reduced to a friend or associate.  You are no longer “get it” material.  Buy a lot of porn. 

Trust me, the list goes on.  But if you haven’t gotten the point by now, then you are doomed to your dependency issues for the rest of your days.  Good luck, kiddo.  I want you to take these helpful hints and go get yourself a little self-esteem.  Life is hard but doable. 

All jokes aside.  Take a little time to get to know yourself.  Find out what makes your inner jack ass tick.  The more you know about yourself, the less your chances are of being a fool for love. 

Until next time my little barbarian fallopian sacks! Remember – 90% of any effort is getting started. 


Quote of the week:     “The more you know about yourself, the less your chances are of being a fool for love.” 

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