Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 14-20, 2010

When you’re in doubt about what tomorrow holds for you, there’s only one person to turn to – HOTTYWOOD!  He can tell you if you need to avoid potholes, rugrats and three-way phone calls. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.



December 22 – January 19 

All bullsh*t smells the same, no matter what asshole produces it.



January 20 – February 18

Intimate moments will be awkward because everyone you touch will feel like raw ground beef.



February 19 – March 20   

Losing is the new winning.



March 21 – April 19 

No one’s accepting your dinner invitations because nobody likes eating off plates guarded by roaches.



April 20 – May 20 

No one cares about you except the person watching you from the other side of the mirror and even they’re on the fence about you.  ___________________________________________________________


May 21 – June 20 

Despite what your mother may have told you, being kind to people only gets you but so far unless you’re just plain ugly.



June 21 – July 22 

The good news is you’re not as stupid as you look…



July 23 – August 22 

Having your picture compared to a wildlife wonder on National Geographic is not a compliment unless a lot of alcohol is involved. Then it’s just freaky. 



August 23 – September 22 

If the only thing you sweat is white liquor, there’s no wonder everyone keeps staring at you.



September 23 – October 22 

Your next date night will be a disaster because the stench of your body will wilt the salad.



October 23 – November 21 

Showing you chest hair is not going to get you a promotion, especially if you’re a hairy ass woman.



November 22 – December 21   

One of your personality’s armpits will smell like goat cheese and Funyons and will probably cock block your next booty call.


Quote of the Week:    “A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.”

Why Aren’t We F**king Anymore?


Well I was the one who opened my big mouth and said I had all the answers and oh em gee was I put to the test. Someone asked me, “Hottywood, why is it that people stop having sex once they’ve gotten into a committed, monogamous relationship?”

Not only was I left dumbfounded by this astonishing question that makes absolutely no sense, I also broke the golden rule of answering a question with a question – “What the…???”

I went back and forth in my mind on how I would approach this. I decided to start by giving some statistics: Research indicates that over 55% of partners are not interested in having sex once a relationship has been set in motion.

I’ve spoken with a ton of men and women and have learned that the problem is generally not a lack of sexual desire – it’s that they are not interested in sex with their partner for one reason or another.  Though there is no definite answer to this question, I’m going to give you a few ideas of what the hell the problem is with these idiots who want to give up the most fun part of being in a relationship.

Before I break it down and kick some knowledge to you, let me begin by telling you the school-book definition of two fools who are determined to sleep back to back every night. Yes, there is an actual definition for this bullsh*t.

The technical term is Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD); defined by the American Psychological Association as “a deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity, producing marked personal or interpersonal distress, but not the result of alcoholism, a general medical condition or substance use (medication) or abuse (street drugs).”

Sexuality in long term relationships is the result of loving energy flowing between two people. If something is blocking this energy, the sexual energy between them often gets blocked as well. 

There are a few reasons why the well has gone dry, and these reasons are not as complicated as you may think.  Follow along and learn something:

One of the partners in the relationship is one lazy mutha SHUT YOUR MOUTH!  Get off your ass and clean up.  Help with the dishes.  Put away your dirty underwear.  Take out the trash.  Put down those chocolates.  Get off the damn phone.  Pick up the kids once in while. 

You’re making your partner angry by being so lazy.  It’s good to have some skills under the sheets, but if you can’t do a damn thing else but f*ck, then your ass need to be demoted to a booty call. There is a reason why people say, “I can do bad all by myself.” 

No affection.  Believe it or not, people actually appreciate conversation.  It’d be nice to have a little small talk before you start stripping.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the right away get down, but people, especially women would like for someone to get into their mind before you discover their Victoria’s secrets.  Cuddling, or as I like call it – “spooning”, could also earn a few brownie points.  It’s okay to go the extra mile.  No one else will know besides you and the person you’re humping.   

Lack of Communication.  Communication is key!  If you don’t talk to each other, and ask the real questions why the bed is so cold, then you’re going to continue masturbating while you’re partner is not home or taking a long, cold shower.  Get to the bottom of this nonsense and do it quickly.  CHEATING is on both of your minds, and trust me, that’s a whole nother problem you probably aren’t ready to deal with.   

Too needy.  The bottom line is that this is a turn off for anyone.  Most women are turned on to a man when he is in his power and feeling good about himself. Neediness is not a turn-on. Men, too, are often not turned on to a needy woman; a woman who needs him to make love to her for her to feel safe, worthy and lovable. 

Man, woman, gay or straight…get this sh*t together.  Chances are you weren’t a needy prick before things became official.  So now you’re going to add “liar” to your list of reasons why you aren’t getting any?  If you really are needy, then you need to check that quickly or else you’ll never get laid again.   

You are now too comfortable.  Ut oh…you and your partner have become so comfortable with each other that you are no longer “get it” material.  You’re more like siblings. 

Unless you’re into incest, you can pretty much hang it up.  You’d better invest in a blow up doll, a dildo or a paid escort.   

You’ve let yourself go.  Face it, you’re not going to get any if you stop making the same effort it took to bag your partner in the first place.  Men, shave your wolfed out beard.  Ladies, shave your armpits.  Try not to get 40lbs heavier than you were before your relationship became official.  Personal hygiene is a plus and a nice outfit won’t kill you.  Let your partner know that he/she is worth you getting all jiggied up for.   

Boredom.  It isn’t uncommon for sex to become routine.  This is a sure way to lose interest.  You don’t want to know what to expect each time you lay down for the grown-up.  Explore new positions and places to be intimate.  Hell, if you have to, invite someone to watch or join in.  No, I’m not promoting infidelity or orgies, but if you aren’t getting laid right now, are you really going to rule out all the options? 

Poor self esteem – If you don’t feel good about yourself you’ll find it difficult to see yourself as a sexual person. Your partner will be seeing a very private side of you and that takes confidence.  Get a backbone and stop being such a wuss.  Up the prescription meds on your wacked out self esteem issues and stop holding out.  You can’t expect anyone else to feel good about you if you don’t feel good about yourself.  This is worse than being needy.  

Someone can do it better.  I’m going to say these phrases once and let them marinate: ‘For every one person who’s good at something, there’s always someone better.’ AND ‘Someone is always willing to do to/with your partner what are you aren’t willing to do.’  POW!   

Your partner just isn’t into you anymore.  You could be as sweet as grandma’s apple pie, but it could be terribly possible that you just aren’t attractive to your mate any more.  There’s not much you can do to fix that.  Once someone is turned off by you, they won’t miss you until you’re gone.  And IF they miss you and reconnect, chances are you’ll remind them why they stopped being attracted to you in the first place.  It’s harsh, I know, but it’s also reality.  Deal with it.   

To put it mildly, you or your partner are f*cked up and you really need to get your sh*t together.  You may get some ass every now and then if you’re lucky, but it’ll be more like a chore than a privilege.  And that one or two times you get that horse shoe out of your ass will not solidify a lengthy relationship.

Sex is too much of a beautiful thing to be deprived of it.  Meet your lover half way and talk about what your real issues are. 

Meanwhile, here are a few tips for increasing sexual desire:

  • Relax. This is the most important thing you can do. Have a bath, use deep-breathing techniques or buy a relaxation tape, and drink PLENTY of alcohol. 
  • Check your environment. Be sure there are no distractions to you becoming aroused and that the atmosphere suits your mood.
  • Enjoy being sensual before you’re sexual. Take your time and allow your body to focus on the pleasurable sensations of touch.  In other words, masturbate.  This may even turn your partner on…it’d be even better if you’re doing it for each other.  When all else fails, oral sex is a total winner!!!
  • Change your view. Get sex into the forefront of your mind by reading or watching something more raunchy than you’d normally choose. PORN PORN PORN!  Hey, it’s a form art. 
  • Focus on positives. If there’s something about your partner or yourself you don’t like, don’t think about it. Force yourself to look at and think about the positives, instead.  Basically what I’m saying here is picture yourself with someone else.  This may be crude, but if you aren’t willing to grow some balls and end the relationship all together, then you can get a fantasy going inside that warped out brain of yours. 
  • Stimulate your sympathetic nervous system. Exercise, watch a scary movie, go on a roller coaster – anything that will speed up your heart rate. Research suggests that 15 to 30 minutes later your body is more sexually responsive.

Here’s a little humor for all you married women who just aren’t into it right now. Raise your hand if you can relate:

“I give birth to your kids and you complain we don’t have sex? How do you think they were born, osmosis? Who takes care of them, drives them to school, picks them up for after school activities, drives them to sports, takes them to their friends houses, plays chauffeur, cleans, cooks, goes to PTA meetings and then caters to your sorry whiney ass when you get home. To top it off, after you eat, fart and burp, you walk out the door to go out with your buddies.

You want sex? Go  f*ck yourself!  I’m too tired.”

Well kids, 90% of any effort is getting started.  So hop to it! 


Quote of the week:       “In the sex war, thoughtlessness is the weapon of the male and the vindictiveness of the female.”

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How To Move on From a Relationship: A Lesson for the Loser Who Keeps Getting Dumped & Won’t Let Go

broken-heart-2Many who have been in a relationship know that the hardest part is overcoming the break-up.  However, the real newsflash is that your ass just won’t let go.  Therein lays your problem. 

Dealing with a break-up isn’t that difficult if you know the two basic rules of “getting over” it.  (1) Letting go and (2) Moving on.  When you are hung up on a relationship, you automatically sabotage any chance of new love.  The best kind of love is a new one.  You have to let go of the old so you can welcome the new.  

I know it’s hard.  You’ve had to endure a lot of ‘almosts’ in your love life and you want to know why you’re having such bad luck in love.  The answer is simple.  You have dependency issues.   For some odd reason you can’t seem to cut it as a person with your own purpose to exist, so you must latch on to someone else.  Well I’m going to help you out.  We’re going to talk about the two basic rules of “getting over it”, so you can get on with your life and stop being a nuisance to anyone else. 

As an abstract concept, getting over a broken relationship usually refers to a deep transgression of a failed attempt of caring for another person – most common in intimate relationships.   This limited conception encompasses a wealth of different feelings, from regretted post sexual intimacy to just plain crazy. 

Pay close attention.  Eventually you’ll be lucky enough to get yourself hitched.  In the meantime, if you know the two basic rules of getting over being dumped, you can save yourself a lot of misery and Kleenex.    It’s simple.  Follow along:

Step #1 – LET GO

letgoThe first and most important part of getting over being dumped is to keep busy and let go.  Lock yourself in a room and duct tape your eyes open long enough to preview the entire ‘Fact of Life’ series.  I don’t know exactly what this will achieve, but it’s sure as hell going to keep you from bugging the sh*t out of anyone.  Your ex doesn’t want to hear from you and your friends smelled your break-up coming a mile away.   Face it, you’re a loser.  It’s in your DNA. 

Take up a hobby.  Go bungee jumping.   Whatever you do spend all of your quality time discovering what it’s like to get on your own nerves.  You’ll be so consumed with learning that you annoy the hell out of yourself that it will become increasingly difficult to get on the nerves of others.  The point here is that you can’t overcome a break-up if you continue to deny that something is wrong with you.  By the time you’ve realized how crazy you are, you will have forgotten all about whatshisname

Step #2 – MOVE ON

MoveonAfter you’ve dealt with the fact that you’ve been dumped, it’s time to move on.  It’s the common phrase in every bad ending relationship.  “Move on you jerk!”

I know everyone says moving on too quickly is not a good idea, but no one says you have to get into a serious relationship right away.  That’s what got you into this mess to begin with.  Stop being so clingy and needy, you wuss. 

Seeing new people will keep your ex off your mind, and it’ll do your ex an even bigger favor (because they want you off their back).  Chances are they’ve told you to take a hike, kick rocks, play in traffic or pull your own tongue out so you can never speak to them again. 

Don’t get angry or be hurt by the rejection.  You should be used to it by now.  It’s probably not the last time you’ll be dumped.  At least you’ll be prepared for the next rejection if you’re lucky enough to get into another relationship. 


Before I let you go, I’m going to give you a word of advice. 

steps-breakingupIf you’re still single or have been dumped from every relationship you’ve ever been involved with, then your ass is in trouble.  Otherwise, take a look at the list below for tips on assessing if your relationship is taking a nose dive.  These tips will save you a lot of time in collecting a bunch of rocks to put in your pockets before you decide to jump in the nearest river. 

Signs Your Relationship is on the Rocks:

  • Lack of Respect.  Your partner realizes he/she can do better.  Bow out with an ounce of dignity. 
  • A One-Way Relationship.  If you’re putting your all into your relationship and your partner isn’t, chances are they’re totally bored with you and are exploring other options…or hiring a Hitman.  In any case, run!
  • Ignored Phone Calls.  There are a couple of reasons why your mate is not returning your calls.  The sound of your voice is annoying and your address book entry has been changed from your government name to “DO NOT ANSWER THIS DAMN PHONE.” They’ve found something or someone else better to do with their time. Or, they just don’t want to talk to you.  A word to the wise: calling someone excessively is not going to make them answer the phone. 
  • Pleasant Company Excluded.  If it’s more of a relief to be apart than together, take a damn hint.
  • The sex has stopped.  Uh oh.  You’re in trouble.  You have been reduced to a friend or associate.  You are no longer “get it” material.  Buy a lot of porn. 

Trust me, the list goes on.  But if you haven’t gotten the point by now, then you are doomed to your dependency issues for the rest of your days.  Good luck, kiddo.  I want you to take these helpful hints and go get yourself a little self-esteem.  Life is hard but doable. 

All jokes aside.  Take a little time to get to know yourself.  Find out what makes your inner jack ass tick.  The more you know about yourself, the less your chances are of being a fool for love. 

Until next time my little barbarian fallopian sacks! Remember – 90% of any effort is getting started. 


Quote of the week:     “The more you know about yourself, the less your chances are of being a fool for love.” 

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Things Men Hate: A Fail-Safe Relationship Buzz Kill

THINGS MEN HATE: A Fail-Safe Relationship Buzz Kill

From a Male Perspective

House RulesLadies, have you ever wondered why a guy is just not that into you?  Well I’m going to do you a favor and give you a quick glimpse of the most common mistakes women make that runs a guy off into the night like a bull chasing an armadillo.  Listen closely.  This advice just may save your relationship!   

It is said that we meet people for a reason; that every person serves a purpose for coming into our lives.  So what the hell does that mean?   Most women spend their entire lives trying to figure out what this purpose is, totally missing out on the adventures of learning.  Here’s a tip that should help make your life a little less complicated.  Relax.  Everything will happen in its due time, so let it.  Stop waiting.  Stop expecting.  Stop forcing, and just relax.  I can’t say this enough.  This is RULE #1.

Tied UpGuys don’t want to be hog-tied in the first trimester of a relationship.  There’s no need to lay it on too thick.  When you meet a guy, don’t assume that he’s ‘the one’ right away.  Ease up on the over-excessive phone calls and txt messages.  Stop expecting him to come to your house every evening. …and for goodness sake, don’t go screwing things up by introducing him to your family and all your friends.  This is an instant red flag – a prime example of gripping your man by the balls and squeezing tightly until he screams like a little old b*tch.  Introductions to your family and friends scream formality and commitment.  It also implies that you’re spilling all the juicy details of your personal business.  Don’t do this!  I repeat: DON’T do this! 

Nine times out of ten, a man hasn’t taken the opportunity to get to know you as well as you’d think or hope.  He’s too busy enjoying the perks of a new woman on his arm or in his bed.  In this stage of the game, there’s no pressure and he is looking forward to seeing you again, provided your face does not resemble the bottom of his shoe. 

chaseKeep in mind that men like to be in control.  Give us a chance to chase you.  It’s alright to play a little game of cat and mouse, especially in the beginning of a new relationship.  And if you think about it, it benefits you as well.  Not being so leach-like will give you an opportunity to see just how much we’re in to you (…on our terms, not yours). 

Don’t crap this up: Enjoy the ride.  It won’t be new forever so appreciate it now.  If you want to keep your relationship fresh, take my advice and relax.  Back the hell off and keep plenty of beer in your refrigerator.     

No PressureNot applying pressure to your relationship, as you would foundation to your face, will give your fling a chance to breathe.   It will keep things between you and your man smooth and light.  Men enjoy as little complication as possible.  We like situations that don’t require too much thinking or responsibility.  We are carefree.  We ride on the wind; we are the breeze in the air.  We like to appreciate a situation for what we can see and touch.  Most women explore deeper than that.  Women search for the meaning of a situation.  To you, everything has a reason.  If a man doesn’t call you, you want to know ‘why’, ‘what did you do’, ‘who was he with’…you’re not relaxing. 

Not StupidRULE #2, nobody’s stupid.  Contrary to what you believe, all men are not stupid.  You may insist that we do nothing but play mind games with you, but believe me when I say that we know you play them too.  You test us.  You ask us the same question repeatedly in many variations.  You seek direction from your friends, inviting them into something that you should only be sharing with us.  You use your feminine wilds to seduce us and persuade our thinking.  You try to make us jealous.  You get angry at us for no reason, in hopes that we’ll offer a confession to something you believe we’re guilty of.  You’ll even stop speaking to us to guilt us into a well of shame. 

Your obsession with monitoring the direction and intensity of a relationship will take over the free spirit of what you and your lover began with.  You have a need to know where the union is headed next.  Soon your clock will start ticking. 

Cease to take control of the reins and let nature do the driving.  When you demand too much control, you relinquish your desire to relax, therefore scratching the sandpaper against the pavement of your romantic journey.   

Shut up 1Sharing is good, but not too much.  RULE #3 ladies.  We love to see you.  We love to hear how your day is going, but there is no need to cram a novel’s worth of information down our throats as soon as you get a chance.  Give us a break.  We are under a lot of pressure, too.  It’s not necessary to give us the details of your brand new BCBG dress or your DKNY shoes.  We don’t care about what your coworker’s neighbor said to the gardener who lives around the corner from some old lady’s church pastor. 

 Shut up 2The more details you give, the deeper the hole you dig for our interest.  “Shut up…” is what we’re thinking.  After about 30 seconds, our attention span has moved on to something else.  You are now wasting your breath and annoying the hell out of us.  Besides, the more you share, the more you’ll want us to share.  Men are private by nature.  We are protectors of our own.  We are shielded and guarded like tortoises in a pit.  We do not share the details of our lives because we must guard them as if we were in a war; a battle for survival. 

It is important to let a man let down his guard for you.  If you aim all of your ammunition at us, you are not breaking us down.  You are forcing us to assess the strategy of your offense.  Stop asking questions and let the answers unfold.   Bottom line…know when to the shut the hell up! 

What I’ve given you are the top three fail-safe relationships rules.   Following these rules will get you past the three-month mark.   Let’s review:

  1. Relax.
  2. Don’t assume all men are stupid.
  3. Know when to shut up.   

If you’ve kept up with this far, then you have a head start in the dating game, fresh from a man’s perspective.  Because I like to see people happy and their relationships healthy, I’m going to give you a few more tips on how to avoid f*cking up a good thing with a man.  It’s a fairly short list, considering we are not that complicated however, this little insight may save you a lot of lonely Friday nights.  

To avoid eating a slice of “Men’s Chocolate Layered Hate” cake:  

  • Do not ask what we are thinking.

thinking 2If we want you to know what we’re thinking, we’ll tell you.  Asking us what is on our minds does not make us want to share it with you.  You are violating our space.  You are breaking down our wall.  You are throwing live hand grenades at us in hopes to destroy our hardened shell that we were all born with.  You are grabbing our nuts and removing our manhood to transfer it yourselves.  Stop.  Think about what you are doing or consider the lie  you will tell your friends about your upcoming breakup. 


  •  Do not ask us about our bills. 

billsHow do I even say this gently?  Mind your damn business!  Asking us about our bills is intrusive, rude and not respected.  We would rather drink live snake venom than to discuss our bills with you.  We know this is a way that most people get into the amount of their mate’s bank account to calculate the next few years of their life.  RED FLAG ALERT:  This is a dead give away that you are obvious, sneaky and nosy and you must be destroyed. 


  •  Do not ask too many questions. 

questionsBy nature we do stupid things like ignore traffic signals, run old people over with our cars or knock off liquor stores.  The less you know, the safer you are and the happier we’ll be.  Each day that we have not been pulled over by the police or confronted by our supervisors is a day of relief.  Please do not ruin a good day by asking us the details of any situation we tried so hard not to tell you, to begin with.  As in Rule #3, know when to shut the f*ck up! 


  •  Do not reach for our food or ask to share our plate. 

hands off 1If you value the use of your fingers, you will not reach for anything off our plates.  This includes French fries, pickles, potato chips and shrimp.  When we take you out to dinner, whether it’s a 5-star dine-in eatery with French wine or the corner fast food drive-thru, where you can super-size your order, here’s your chance to order anything you want off the menu.  If something intrigues you off our plate, then that’s what you should order the next time we go out.  Cannon balling your fingers into our plate is rude, insensitive and unsanitary.  Do not do it.  It is mean and thoughtless and we will not forgive you for it. 


  •  Do not ask us to move in.

privacyWe enjoy our own space.  We want to be able to leave our dirty socks all over the house and not have to worry about your asking us to clean it up.  We like to eat bologna sandwiches and leave the toilet seat up and we relish in our moments of silence – free of questions, obsessions, nagging and sappy emotions.  We pride ourselves in our control over the sports channel and porn.  Grant us our privacy.  Do not sink us in the river with weights by asking us to listen to your whiny voices and force upon our eyes, the wretched sight of you without makeup and mismatched rollers in your hair.


  •  Do not leave anything at our house.

innocent 2We hate this!  You know damn well what you are doing.  We are well aware that you are marking your territory; setting booby traps just in case another female crosses our threshold.  What you do not know is that we prepare for this.  We have infrared scanning tools to detect suspicious activity, such as this.  Every man also owns a secret vault to hide your left-behinds.  


  •  Do not ask us to pick up your personal feminine products.

padsNothing says “insult his manhood” more than asking a man to pick up your personal female products from the store.  I don’t think any further explanation is quite needed here.  If you want to ensure that your lover does not go off and jump in front of a bus, do not ask him to commit this relationship crime. 


  • Do not say, “I love you” too soon. 

dontlovemeWe are probably unsure if our involvement with you will last three months, especially if you have defied any of the above mentioned most hated violations.  Saying that you love us is equivalent to drawing a shotgun.  If we love you, we will tell you at our own pace.  Do not attempt to speed up the “I love you’s.”  It will not change the perception of what we feel.  Slow down, be patient and let us express our emotions to you.  Booty calls are our weakness.  Instead of telling us you love us, wear sexier lingerie and perform tricks that will make our toes curl.  This is a much safer and appreciated approach to the lovey-dovey bulls*hit. 


             In conclusion ladies, stop putting a timer and a lo-jack on the relationship.  Chill out and see where things go.  Find out what you could be in store for.  It could be a fun ride.  The fun part isn’t arriving at your destination.  It’s the journey getting there. 

I hope I haven’t offended too many women out there in reader-land.  To all who have learned something, and for those of you who haven’t learned a damn thing, come back anytime to check me out.  As long as it’s before 11am.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone before then, I’ll cut your ass.  You can bet your bottom dollar on that. 

Until next time my little stale packs of M&Ms.   Remember – 90% of any effort is getting started! 


Quote of the week:     “You can lead a dog to a toilet, but you can’t teach him to sh*t there.”

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