In life, it’s not always easy to deal with disappointments, especially when the only person who seems to care about your feelings is you.
Your support system only supports you when the money and light is green. Your family only supports you when your endeavors look good to non-family members. Your friends only support you when your success income is large enough to cover all of the dinner parties.
In the end, through all of your hardships, failures, road blocks and let downs, all you have is you and that pillow that you beat the sh*t out of before laying your head to rest for the night. And even that gets a little lumpy.
But all is not lost! For it is written in the greatest book of all time:
Your flies may be greater in number than your chambers of honey, but as long as your spears are sharp, your poison is deadly and you have enough common sense to know that all things happen for a reason, nothing is in impossible.
Today may feel like your defeat but tomorrow shall be your victory and you will have your moment to plug your fingers into your ears, stick out your tongue and quote these words (my favorite words on the planet) verbatim to all of your haters and nay-sayers, “Na na na boo boo muthaf*ckas!”
People will laugh at you and they will take pride when you fall, but those are the very same people who don’t have sh*t going on for themselves; the very same people whose names are never uttered from anyone else’s lips; whose hopes and dreams failed in their final year of high school; whose relationships were built on lies; and whose one-night stands only happened because their one-time lover was too blinded by an excessive amount of alcohol.
Who was the old miserable bastard that once said, “Misery loves company?” That man was an underachieving loser who preyed on people who crumbled under the weight of defeat and disappointment. As unsuccessful as he may have been, he was smart enough to know that he will never be alone thanks to people who are too deep rooted in their own self-pity and worthlessness.
Oh ye of little faith. In the words of the great and wise little orphan Annie, who never changed her dress and whose hair matched her shaggy ass dog’s fur, “The sun will come out tomorrow…”
Quote of the week: “The road to success is always under construction.”
There is great pride in finishing something you’ve started – even if that something is as simple as releasing a stinky fart without anyone noticing the foul gas came from your ass.
Completing a project, task, goal or dream is your way of telling the world “I told you so,” when everyone seemed to have doubted you. Holding true to what you know you can do and what you can pay someone else to do for you while you hog all the credit is the leverage you have over people whose greatest achievement is to hate on someone whose life is more worthy than blowing a ring of smoke.
To the washed up high school jock who should’ve been in the NFL by now; to the former cheerleader who boosts stolen knock-off designer handbags in the hair salon; and finally to the minister who’s too hung over to make it to church on time to preach to all of his fellow heathens – finishing what you start doesn’t mean polishing off the last of the bottle you bought from the local corner store; it doesn’t mean digging up dirt to slander all those who are doing better than you; and it doesn’t mean pretending that someone else’s success doesn’t exist. What it means is finding the determination to be a better you and patiently waiting for your opportunity to say to someone:
All the people who walk the Earth’s grounds boasting about how they hate the “I told you so’s” are a gotdamn lie, because everyone knows there is no greater feeling than proving someone wrong!
Be proud of your accomplishments – big or small – because it’s those achievements that will motivate you to continue on to greatness. You may not be the best at everything but everyone is good at something.
“90% of any effort is getting started.”
Quote of the week: “Achieving life is not the equivalent of avoiding death.”
With fingers crossed you’ve come to seek all the sh*t that’s in store for this week. Flat tires and liars and people you owe and times you’ll say “yes” when you’ll really mean “no.” So before you slap those who aren’t you, ask yourself “what would Hottywood do?”
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
December 22 – January 19
Give your nipples pet names and refer to them frequently.
January 20 – February 18
For a smooth sailing day, moon-walk like Michael Jackson every time you exit the bathroom.
February 19 – March 20
Contrary to popular belief, using your thick toenail as a letter opener is not a skill.
March 21 – April 19
You can’t be mad at someone else for telling your secrets if you aren’t smart enough to keep them to yourself.
April 20 – May 20
Two people near you will grab your butt cheeks at the same time. They will both be hermaphrodite midgets.
May 21 – June 20
A zit will show up unexpectedly between your big and middle toes and will rip a hole in your socks the size of an obese moth ball.
June 21 – July 22
That compliment that no one is going to give you will drive you to drink.
July 23 – August 22
Proactively addressing a touchy issue may result in a black eye. Expect a lot of attention from people who point fingers and care nothing about your feelings. …Family included.
August 23 – September 22
For a day much better than yesterday, pretend you are a crackhead cartoon character on steroids.
September 23 – October 22
Make a list of everyone you hate and anonymously send their mailing addresses to random prison inmates.
October 23 – November 21
Your last one-night stand will tell everyone you’re a lousy lay. Don’t worry about it. Everyone already knows because it’s been written on the walls of about 60 gas station bathrooms.
November 22 – December 21
It’s no secret that you’re a major screw-up, so the biggest favor you can do for anybody is to not do a damn thing at all.
Quote of the Week: “Know your friends and your enemies and ask yourself if there’s much of a difference.”
Well kats and kittens, we’re back with our second half-year review of the Top Pet Peeves of 2010. When last we met, we ranked the highest pet peeves for the 10th chapter of the new millennium, and boy was it a doozy! [For those of you who skipped class that day, here’s what you missed – Hottywood’s 1/2 Year Review of the 20 Top Pets Peeves of 2010…So Far].
It should come as no surprise that the idiots of our polluted world have managed to top themselves with yet more of the most annoying things they could possibly think of. And yours truly has taken the initiative to come forward and put those very same idiots on full blast. Why? The answer is simple. Because I don’t give a… Well, I think you get the idea.
So sit back, relax and see if we share views on the exasperating sh*t that people can come up with.
People who start off every sentence with, “I.”
Call me crazy, but people who are so wrapped up in the boringness (if that’s even a word outside of the Ebonics dictionary) of themselves should be cast over the side of a short plank, hovering over a sea of man-devouring jelly fish.
And that’s putting it mildly.
People who look like their pets.
I know I’m not the only one who has witnessed the circus freak who looks like a dog — I mean like their dog. They say when you spend so much time with someone, you begin to look alike.
People whose greatest accomplishment is calculating the number of bed mates they’ve had in the past 6 months.
Generally, folks who brag about their sex lives are usually not getting any at all. That’s what makes them so damn funny. They’re not lying to anyone but themselves.
The joke’s on you, skank!
Lazy people who want you to wait on them hand and foot instead of finding some useful purpose for their existence other than taking up oxygen.
Sometimes you just want to take those cupcakes and shove ’em right up their ass!
Celebrities who spend half their lives trying to be famous and then hide behind dark sunglasses to keep from being noticed.
As soon as their bright star fades, they’ll be doing some ridiculous thing to get attention again. And our dumb asses are waiting to see what they do next.
People who fart at the dinner table.
Seriously, what disgusting ill-mannered moron wouldn’t have the decency to pack a travel-kit air freshener when having an attack of a gassy ass?
People who don’t tell you your fly is open.
These are just mean and nasty bastards who are secretly trying to get a good look at your family jewels without being sued for sexual harassment.
However in a perfect world, a gigalo might not mind this slick act of hornismness.
That’s right. I said it. Now whatchu gon do about it, sucka!?
People who are consumed by their cell phones.
It’s because of people like you that Oprah is enforcing this NO PHONE ZONE bullsh*t. As far as we know, you’re probably just calling the weather only to make yourself look more important than you’re actually not. You’re not fooling anybody.
People who can’t lie right.
When you break out into a sweat, your eye starts twitching and you can’t keep still, chances are you’re lying and everyone around you can see it.
P.S., nobody wants a bad liar on their side. It’s like being picked last for kickball.
“A good liar is a better ally than an enemy. A bad liar is good for nothing.”
Words to live by.
People who sniff underarms only on Thursdays.
…for obvious reasons, of course.
This gives new meaning to the phrase, “I smell a rat.”
Lindsay Lohan. …again, for obvious reasons.
If I’m not mistaken, old Fire Crotch made her way onto our Top Pet Peeves List during the 1st half of the year. Why can’t this winch get her life together? Does she know how many other starving addicts would kill to have her celebrity? Sometimes you just can’t help but to hate people who abuse a good thing.
(She wasn’t worth enlarging the picture.)
People who think showing their fat rolls is cute.
If you don’t sit your fat ass down and cover up with a beach blanket, you better.
Look, I’m not knocking big people and those who love them, but there’s no reason for you to blind us with the sight of cellulite and twinkie rolls. Have a little respect for those folks who actually want to keep their lunch down.
Now excuse me while I go puke.
Church ladies with those annoyingly big ass hats.
If your church ladies are anything like mine with their outrageously big hats, you’ll learn that carrying BB guns will come in handy so you can shoot holes inside the hat in order to see what’s happening at the pulpit when the preacher is preaching or when one of the awful choirs are murdering a church selection. But like a good Christian, you’ll put your hand over your heart, lie, and pretend like nothing’s getting on your mofo nerves. And then you’ll go home and talk maliciously about that big ass hat and how it probably didn’t match a damn thing the ol’ church lady was wearing, anyway.
Supervisors who are no more skilled than the office mail clerk.
Fortunately I’m lucky enough to have some good supervisors, but believe me when I say I’m one of the few lucky ones. For all of you who are not me, this one’s for you!
Fast food drive-thru attendants who make you pull over to the side to wait for your food.
Instead of pulling to the side, pull your car through the front of the restaurant’s window.
I bet next time they’ll serve you in 60 seconds or less.
People who lie to your face and then will turn around and stab you in the back.
I have only one thing to say to you:
“KARMA’S A BITCH!”
Pedestrians who ride their bikes in the street.
<— Look at this picture and tell me that pictures aren’t worth a thousand words.
BEEP BEEP Motherfu****!
People who pee in gas tanks and don’t post it on YouTube.
Aw c’mon, you know this is funny as hell and should be shared with all of the world.
As as long as some old geezer isn’t pissing inside your gas tank, what should you care?_________________________________________________________
I guess there’s no need to reiterate that people are more than capable of coming up with some pretty unbelieveable sh*t. But if you really think about it, without the stupidity of others, we wouldn’t have much to talk about at the water cooler.
Look, it doesn’t take that much effort to keep your simple crap to yourself. But it also doesn’t take that much effort to find out what simple crap you’re hiding. After all, 90% of any effort is getting started, no matter what side of the fence you fall on.
Quote of the week: “Thank your parents for making it possible. Thank your children for making it necessary.”