What Part of Adolescent Behavior Should Teachers be Responsible For, Some or All?

First and foremost, let’s begin this post by warning anyone that doesn’t have a sense of humor to cease and desist immediately.  Ion’t need anyone hating on those of us with a few jokes in our hearts.  Real talk. 

Now if all minds are clear, we can begin. 

More times than a little bit, we are forced to be reminded of how bad our sweet little kids are – in the grocery store; during a meditational church prayer; inside a restaurant, a movie theater, or the laundromat.  And after we’ve hung our heads in shame, hidden under a table, rock or some fat lady’s dress, which is of course always the first thing we do from sheer embarrassment of raising such sweet-faced spawns of the devil, we pull out the Parents’ Handbook for Dummies: A Guide to Punishing Kids Who Couldn’t Care Less About Their Weak Ass Parents or Their Dumb Punishment Attempts.  Surely we know that this handbook is nothing more than a reminder of how blunderous we are as parents for not being able to get a grip on our kids in private and often more in public.  “No more to that,” I say!  In this new day and age the finger is no longer pointed at the ineffective parent!   

Stick with me while I explain.  

Once upon a time bad behavior could be blamed as the result of a timid housewife, an absentee father or even a poor environment of a child’s neighborhood.  But now that we’ve skated pass the 1950s, it’s time that we place blame somewhere else.  Let me ask you.  If [working] parents spend more time at work than they do at home, where do children spend most of their days?  No.  Not a juvenile detention center.  They spend all of their time at school, so naturally the first person to blame for the disruptive behavior of the child that no one wants to babysit is none other than the teacher!  

Teachers come into the classroom with one agenda: to teach.  They teach math, science, social studies, language arts, foreign language, even religion.  But they don’t teach discipline.  Why the hell not?  If they know that 69.3% of students in each classroom are offensively bad, why don’t they spend less time writing notes home to parents in an effort to remind us of how we’re failing as guardians instead of drafting up a damn disciplinary education standard to get those attitudes in check?  There’s no need to tell us about our kids’ discipline problems.  We already know they’re bad as sh*t.  What they’re telling us is that there is a lack of effort and responsibility in our classrooms.  Our teachers are too lazy to tell our brats to shut the hell up!  If they are spending more time with our kids than we are, then it’s only fair that they hold more of a percentage in the area of disciplinary responsibility, right?  It’s just common sense.  

Hell, we spend eight hours a day dealing with bad attitudes, unrealistic demands and never-ending chores, all for little to no paycheck.  When we get home, we are expecting the teachers to bombard our kids with multiple chapters worth of homework, detention slips and drained energy from sending their bad asses back and forth to the principal’s office.  When they send our kids home all well rested and free from studying, they are only telling us that they do not value the progression of our children’s citizenship. 

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Imagine, leaving the discipline up to the parents.  As if we don’t already have enough on our plates. 

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When the kids finally graduate after spending 6 or 7 years in high school, who takes the credit for them graduating?  Teachers, of course.  Why be all finicky when it comes to their behavior?  

Look, teachers.  All we, as parents, are trying to do is be fair.  We’re simply trying to give you the credit where you deserve it and raise a stink when you fall short.  Teach the damn kids some manners and respect so that we don’t have to be called bad parents when they come home with these nasty attitudes.  Stake your claim in the effort of raising some good standing citizens while they’re still young.  Just keep in mind that the next time one of our kids comes home with some foul language that you’re going to get your ass kicked.  Since our feet aren’t super-glued to the playground, they are your responsibility from 8:30-3:00.  So you need to be aware of what they’re talking about; whom they are messing with; when they skip class; when they skip school; fight; fuss; sleep; pout; whine; cheat; and/or lie.  You’re getting paid to do the same sh*t we are too tired to do for free. 

Now if you think this letter is too much of a big pill to swallow, relish in the thought that 90% of any effort is getting started.  And trust me, it’ll probably be easier to digest if you hit the bottle first. 

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Quote of the week:  “Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don’t.”

In Search of Non-Morning Person Support Group

Seems to me I remember sharing with the world how much of a morning person I am not some time back in 2009.  Still, all my mornings pretty much begin the same – brutal traffic that points its finger and laughs at me as I cuss all the way to work; stale bagels; and yesterday’s coffee.  Today seems to be as good a day as any to reiterate how much I despise people who bombard me with useless conversation about how they are doing when it’s clearly marked on my forehead how much I don’t give a damn; customers who call the office first thing in the morning to ask questions they seem to already know the answers to; and coworkers who are not considerate enough to let me take my coat off before pawning their work off on me so they can play endless games of internet Bejeweled.  

Perhaps if my night ended in a peaceful manner, filled with salty french fries, a throwback comedic marathon, like “I Love Lucy”, and a foot massage from a rich princess who runs a country somewhere in the tropics and looks like Kim Kardashian, I wouldn’t feel like coming to work with a machine gun full of bubblicious chewing gum and stink bomb pellets.  Alas, I’m not that lucky, and neither are those people who float across my threshold on cloud 9 any time before high noon – aka, lunch!  Especially if they aren’t toting a box of piping hot Popeyes chicken or seemed to have left their manners at home and omitted to say, “Good morning,” before tossing words around like, “I need you to,” and “I know you’re busy but…”  Those are the people who get their car doors scratched with a pair of keys or accidentally runs over a glass bottle of Millers Genuine Draft without any idea of what kind of non-morning person would do such a thing to them. 

Now by mid-day when my mood has calmed and my taste buds have settled on what it desires for the lunch time fix, a whole new wave of gripe and grudge takes over my body once my eyelids have become heavy and the clock does anything but move its big hand closer to the 12 and the little hand on the 5.  This is around the time when office colleagues, business vendors, and out-of-office meeting guests should all enter my personal space with caution.  To put it mildly, only approach me if wearing a suit of armor while holding a bungee cord to assist me in an early dismissal of work through the 17th floor window.  But seriously, what are the chances of that happening?  If your answer is “little to none” much like my answer is, there is an alternative solution.  Boredom is the next overwhelming feeling after passing the I Don’t Want to Be Here stage of the day.   Here’s when practical joke mode kicks in.  

Accidentally jam the photocopier, fill all the toilet bowls in the building with Bounty paper towels or make prank 911 calls from your boss’ desk phone and just sit back and wait for the fun part to begin.   

I would’ve included a nice clip of an overflowing toilet but you did just eat your lunch in the previous paragraph and that simply would’ve been another mess for you to clean up before quitting time.  At any rate the day must go on if you wish to continue receiving your paychecks.  So as much as I would love to sit here and continue telling you how much of a morning person I am not, or an afternoon person for that matter, I must dust off my glue gun and stick some folders to the bottom of the file cabinet in hopes to never see them again.  But if you have some time, let’s meet up after work for a drink.  By then I will be in the jolliest of moods and won’t mind so much stupid comments, selfish company or inconsiderate people because I’ll be too consumed by alcohol to give a sh*t.  

Five o’clock isn’t that far away.  I can make it.  After all, 90% of any effort is getting started.  

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Quote of the week:    “Oh, you hate your job?  Why didn’t you say so?  There’s a support group for that.  It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”   -Drew Carey

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 26-October 2, 2010

If there’s one thing you should know it’s in what direction your luck may go.  Whether left or right or right or wrong, in stinky bloomers or uncomfortable thongs.  The week begins with a fall of rain and all weekend fun is now down the drain.  You may be surprised at what comes your way but with a little help you can play it safe.  If you remember one thing and nothing else, never forget that Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

No amount of heat will be enough to get the wrinkles out of any of your shirts.  Carry a paper cup for spare change, you bum. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For seven days, you will either be profusely sweaty or profusely gassy. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You might be in control over your own destiny, but you have no control over a shady bitch named Karma. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Carrying a rabbit’s foot may be lucky for you as long as you don’t pay attention to the fact that you’re carrying the luck of that poor dead legless bunny. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will stutter and spit every time a pigeon flaps its wings.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

People will only understand you if you speak in “baby talk.”  Babies will just look at you like you’re stupid.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Bathing in boiled potato water just may change the outcome of your day.  The question remains, “For better or for worse?”

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A great hooker once said, “You have to give in order to get.” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Having multiple personalities will come in handy when you drive in the HOV lane during rush hour. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

By complete accident, you will ask one too many questions and receive a priceless punch in the lower lip area. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

One of your greatest strengths is being the only one not invited to any parties. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If someone tells you you’re the spitting image of Tevin Campbell, they’re not complimenting you. 

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Quote of the Week:   “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Do You Have What it Takes to be a Disgruntled Employee?

“Another day, another dollar,”  That’s what most working class folks say as they drag themselves out of bed to head to an office where anyone barely knows their name unless they need something.  Yup…you guessed it — just another day at the office.  Or the sh*t hole, as most employees commonly refer to it.  The office is the one place where you are guaranteed to be underappreciated, overworked, left out, judged, criticized and expected to deal with it – all for the love of a small paycheck and a short lunch break.  It’s the American way.

To be eligible for a position in any office situation, you have to have what it takes to prove you are able to handle all things deadly that comes in the forms of memos, emails and useless meetings.  You have to know how to play the game in order to survive.  You heard correctly…the game!  Most of your coworkers could care less about you.  Sure, you may have that one whom you eat lunch with regularly, but don’t be fooled by the 30 minute company.  They’re only hanging with you until quitting time.  At the end of the day, they run off into the night to be with someone way more important than you are.  Don’t be offended by this.  Trust no one and keep a very positive “F*ck You” attitude! 

Let’s take a look at a typical work day, shall we?  After you’ve finished reading this article, you will be able to determine if you have the chops to be someone’s personal slave right-hand man in a general office environment.  Don’t expect to be prepped for the journey you are about to take.  That wouldn’t be realistic in Cubicle Land.  Instead, we’re just going to throw you to the wolves and see how you fend for yourself.

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Most commonly, the workday opens with you complimenting your supervisor on yet another one of his boring staff lectures.  However, because you are so stoned and hung over from the night before, you are too wasted to realize that that lecture was last Thursday.  Don’t be alarmed.  There are so many of those meetings that begin and end with the same speech your boss delivers like a walking TIVO, they all sound alike.  Just continue kissing his ass and hope he doesn’t smell the alcohol that’s oozing out of your pores.  Too much talking will raise suspicion as you’d normally try to avoid any conversation with him, in effort not to be given any more work assignments, so know when to the shut up and walk away.

If you’re lucky enough to make it pass your boss unscathed, you’re off to a good start.  But you’re not out of the water yet.  It won’t be long before that very same boss calls you from your desk, by the wrong name of course, to ask you a ton of questions that you’re expected to the know the answers to, although it will probably be the first time you’ve ever heard anything about the subject in which your boss is referring.  Just nod and smile and tell him/her that you’ll get right on it.  Once you’ve wiped that discreet worried little smirk off your face, go back to your desk, take a swig of that stale coffee you got from the cafeteria and check your email.  Not your work email!  That’s too responsible.  Check your personal email.  You’re not a lazy, disgruntled employee until you’ve mastered the art of slacking off.  Who knows?  Something may be good enough to give you a reason to use sick leave for the rest of the day.  If you have a fear that your computer is being monitored, here’s what you do: after you’ve nearly killed yourself to get the answers your superior is looking for, take a baseball bat and use their head as target practice.  That way, they’ll understand the headache you got trying to obtain those damn answers.  Remember the motto quoted for every office across the nation – “An eye for an eye; a tooth for a tooth.”

Congratulations!  You’ve made it through your first part of the day.  You deserve a pat on the back.  You’re looking good.  But don’t do any cartwheels just yet.  So far you’ve managed to kiss your boss’ ass, slacked off a little bit, gagged on yesterday’s coffee, scrambled to get some work done that you’d ordinarily ignore and went to lunch with someone who barely knows who you are.  Unfortunately the rest of your day will be as crappy as it was when the morning first began.  This is the point where things plummet downhill. 

Now you’re back to the office.  You have a full stomach and can’t wait to get to the bathroom to light it up with your offensive ass gas.  But wait, you’re entry badge isn’t working.  In addition to having to sh*t bricks, you now have to show your embarrassingly ugly photo id to the security guard and hope that he doesn’t bust a gut laughing at your ridiculously hideous picture. 

I would normally tell you not to sweat over this, but you know just as well as I do that that picture is far less than just bad lighting.  It’s one f*cked up picture.  No, seriously.  Oh well, one catastrophe at a time.  Accept being the butt of the joke and make a mad dash for the first restroom you see before you stink up the whole place with the bubbles building up inside your tummy.  Just don’t forget to leave a memorable message to that very same security guard, telling him exactly what you think of him.  This will probably be the hightlight of your day.  Don’t worry.  It’s almost over. 

Remember that excuse you were hoping to get that would allow you to use a few sick leave hours to get out of the office early?  Well, you can hang that up!  By now, the office has completely fallen apart and you are stressed to no end.  You’ve received an email from your kid’s babysitter informing you that an emergency has come up and that you need to pick up your offspring.  Naturally, your boss isn’t going to approve your leave and there’s no daycare facility at your job.  You have no other choice but to bring your baby back to work and scotch tape them to the bulletin board.  Don’t make it a habit.  In your colleagues’ eyes, you have a choice to make:  either work or home?  But with the money you make, you can probably build yourself a nice cardboard home right next to your office building.  How convenient would that be?! …that is if you haven’t completely keeled over from all the stress.  In that case, make sure your last will and testament is saved on your computer.  Your lunch buddy will want to know if he can get your swivel chair once you’ve kicked the bucket for good.    

That’s it!  You did it!  You made it to the end. You probably didn’t think you could do it, but you’ve come to the close of what most employees like to call “hell on Earth.”  Don’t get too hasty.  Since your id badge didn’t work and the security guard is no doubt looking for your ass for leaving that harsh message on the bathroom floor, you now have to be just as crafty and creative in getting out of the building as you were for surviving your day in general.  Well let me give you two choices:  Dig a hole and claw your way to freedom or simply burn the whole effin’ building down.  Why should you be the only miserable person in the office?  Whatever you choose, your decision will take a little effort but it’d be worth it.  Having the gall to pull it off is the main issue, though it’s not as hard as it sounds.  After all, 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?”

 

I’d Love to Stay and Chat But I’d Rather Choke On My Own Fist

Let’s talk about annoying people who won’t realize enough is enough.  People who use every excuse in the book to hold on to nothing and then harp about it to anyone who’ll listen. 

People who fall into the category of:

  • folks who worry about their relationships falling apart;
  • folks who blow their money on frivolous things and ironically never have the money to pay back that they owe you; or
  • folks who are unhappy with their jobs but are too lazy or complacent to look for a new one.   

It’s not the issues that make the pills hard to swallow.  It’s the complaining.  We’re all guilty of bearing the harsh reality of life.  Generally the first instinct in any person’s mind when facing a dilemma, is usually the decision that person will act on, but only after he/she has exploited all of their personal problems to any and every listening ear.  These people are blinded by their own veil of self pity, self doubt, and self absorption.  

This just in: “NO ONE CARES!” 

Sit your ass down and drink a large cup of ‘get over yourself.’  You are not the only person with problems.  And just because you think your world is crashing down before your eyes, does not mean that everyone you tell will protect you from the falling sky.  In fact, you’re doing more damage to yourself than good by whining like a little sissy over the spilled milk on your side of the table.  Your bitching and moaning is sending all of your potential help running for the hills with their hands waving in the air. 

Your excessive “what ifs” and “what should I dos” are nothing more than cries for attention since you’re not getting that attention from the object of your affection.  What you are doing is making everyone around you suffer because someone was smart enough to tell your dumb ass to shut the hell up and take that droning someplace else.   In actuality, most people would rather choke on their own fist than to listen to you go on and on about a situation that has absolutely nothing to do with them, or a situation you can control or avoid. 

There are words for people like you: DRAMA QUEEN!   

Someone with a demanding or overbearing personality who tends to overreact to seemingly minor incidents.  Psychologists might describe a drama queen [or king, used less frequently] as a neurotic personality with histrionic tendencies, meaning they tend to become needlessly dramatic whenever order is disrupted.  Bottom line: a center stage hog; a spotlight thief; or someone desperately in need of attention.   In other words, A BIG ASS CRY BABY!    

If you are unfortunate enough to be sucked into a void of useless whimpering from an attention deprived stick in the mud, there are a few easy ways to get them to take a hike: 

  1. Ensure them that they are worth less than they are giving themselves credit for.  Stomp on their sense of pride and give them loads of false hope. 
  2. Stick your fingers in your ears and laugh uncontrollably every time you see them heading your way.  
  3. Set boundaries.  The real kind – using large sandbags and electrical fences.   
  4. Tell them it’s all their fault.  Blame the world’s problems on them: America’s budget problems; the trouble over in Haiti; Jessica Simpson’s stalled career.  Nobody’s fault but the person whose getting on your mutha-effin’ nerves. 

If you happen to be one of those annoying people who feel it best to dump all of your depressing problems on to the next one, then do yourself a favor and take a long trip.  A permanent one would be nice, but probably too much to ask for — that is unless the trip you’ve chosen to take is a Carribean cruise.  In that case, to take your mind off all of your current problems, pretend that the cruise ship is the Titanic.  And don’t stop pretending until you’ve played out the most dramatic scene – THE END

So let’s recap here:  Stop dumping your issues on other people.  Why?  Because no one gives a sh*t.   You’re the only person who has the power to change your situation.  All it takes is a little effort.  And 90% of any effort is getting started

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Quote of the week:   “The life we lead must be worth living.”