The Superbowl is coming up in one more week. Until then it’s answers you seek. Answers to the questions of sh*t that lies ahead of things that make you sick or even wish you were near dead. Death is not the answer. We all know this is true. But in the event of crappy situations, ask yourself, “what would Hottywood do?”
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You have a special gift if you can name 101 ways to disguise elbow macaroni.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Anyone can scotch tape someone’s eyebrows together but it takes a strong man to snatch that tape off and run like a lil bitch.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
A zit will be the 3rd wheel on a first date.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Everything means something and nothing is included in that everything. That leaves something to be desired. But what does it leave if nothing is everything? Everything or nothing at all?
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Fighting in private is one thing. Fighting in public is just ghetto.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
A dog that has no master worries not of betrayal.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
This week your boobs will have a life of their own, which will be terribly interesting if you’re a man and flattering if you’re a flat-chested woman.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
If you tell someone to kiss your ass and their lips aim for your mouth, you should feel more insulted than you intended for them to feel. ___________________________________________________________
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
All those people who keep telling you to shut up are just the voices in your head. ___________________________________________________________
Libra September 23 – October 22
You may not become an angel until you get the devil beaten out of you. ___________________________________________________________
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
If you feel something nibbling at your socks and you’re wearing new shoes, that just means your feet are dirty. ___________________________________________________________
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
If you have no standards, you have no structure. If you have no structure, you prove yourself to be the mess everyone perceives you to be. ___________________________________________________________
Quote of the Week: “Have the courage to be ignorant of a great number of things, in order to avoid the calamity of being ignorant of everything.”
A wise man once said, “some things are better left unsaid.” Obviously that wise man wasn’t wise enough to have anyone need him for anything. So he probably wasn’t that wise to begin with. Therefore I, being the wise man that I am, am standing up to tell you that sometimes you need to tell needy mofos to get off your jock and fix their sh*t their damn selves, because if you weren’t around to make their lives easier, they’d have to do it themselves anyway. Either you be honest and tell them to leave you the hell alone or simply kick them where the sun doesn’t shine…which is always the first alternative choice! 
To the people who only call when they need something. You morons may think we are stupid but the only person who is stupid is you! You can call us until you’re blue in the face but sooner or later we are going to tell you to go shove it. When your name flashes across the caller id, if you’re not calling to tell us that someone has died, your best bet is call us to tell us you’re dying because that’s the only way we’re going to have enough sympathy to get off our asses to help your ass out. If we needed something, could we call on you? Hell no and you know it. You creeps always have an excuse why you can’t be around when the chips are down. So go choke on some potato chip crumbs. And when your air pipes have clogged until you’re gasping for that last breath and you need a ride to the hospital, don’t call us because we won’t be available. 
To the people who are too lazy or dumb to do anything for themselves. You’re too indolent to take a wild stab in the dark to try to accomplish anything for yourself without the help of others so you whine and beg until someone feels sorry enough for your ass to give you a hand. Well the jig is up, swine bait! If we weren’t around to perform all the hard labor while you take the credit and smile in our faces, you’d have no other choice but to fend yourself. So here’s a word of advice for you: No one likes laziness and not too many people can stand being around someone too dumb to take the initiative to invest in their own doing. Because you are the type of person that you are, may your socks forever slouch to your ankles and your underwear always itch. Those are two things no one is going to be dim-witted enough to work on for you, so let’s see if your balls are big enough to ask for help with that. 
To the people who only help you when there’s something in it for them. We’ve peeped your game. You only come around when there’s something in it for you, that’s why no one bothers to call you for anything. We will give you a little bit of credit though, for offering your help, even if it does mean you’re only offering because you think you’re going to get something out of the deal. Well how about this? We’ll promise to give you a cut of the profit for lending us your help, but we won’t promise on when we’ll deliver on that promise. That’s right, just like you’re intending on using us for your 
own personal gain, we can play that game right along with you, you selfish skunk butt. We’re not idiots. We’re going to accept any help you offer us, but after we’ve used you for what we need, we’re simply going to accidentally push you over a cliff because we already know you’re not gullible enough not to realize that we’re playing you at your own game. But we’re pretty confident that you’re credulous enough to fall for your own prank once. We’re not giving you that much credit.
Employees across the nation damn near pull their hair out from the overwhelming stress of answering other people’s phone calls; cleaning up someone else’s mess; or having all of their brilliant ideas stolen from coworkers who are too stupid to even remember their own last name. But not you! You’re the only genius who doesn’t make the time to find a better gig. And while all of your office mates are surfing the net in search for better job locations, higher paying promotions and bigger employee benefits, you get to sit at your desk and do all of their work that they refuse to do themselves. 
executive officials who roam back and forth pass your desk to pump their bodies up with coffee and nicotine, those same employees and employers are laughing at the STUPID sign stamped on your forehead. They know you’re the only dummy in the office who’s willing to serve as the lunch-time phone rush backup, the IT help desk support, the mail clerk, and the messenger courier. You are the reason no new employees are hired. Why hire anyone new when you can give up your lunch break, come into the office early or pack an overnight bag to draft a report that someone else is going to take all of t
he credit for? There are words for people like you: FLUNKIE! 
kimming through magazines and sleeping on the job, and while they’re slacking off, you’re somewhere hiding for the sake of sanity, hastily coming up with new ways of an early dismissal. You might pull a fire alarm. You may decide to dip a pack of staples in acid and go all Rambo on those lazy mofos who only remember your name when there’s a package that needs to be picked up from the front desk. Whatever the case, that smile that you wear so pleasantly is just bright enough to cover up the psycho that’s steadily growing inside of you. 
try to convince themselves that they are lucky just to have a job at all, not realizing they are being paid minimum wage to be well dressed, glorified slaves who work for a man or woman who will not hesitate to replace them if they even look like they’re going to attempt to stand up for their rights. Sadly, that’s just the way it is in the working world. It’s a dirty job but someone’s got to do it and that someone must be you since you’re the only one in the office who’s actually doing some work. 
you’ll never be invited to take pictures with the president of the firm; and you’ll never get the standing ovation for the increased statistics from the department’s progress flow charts. You are forever doomed to be the little man at the bottom of the totem pole; the one who’ll set up and clean the party when yet another associate has quit for a better paying, higher profile job. 
Take charge of your life. Scratch that STUPID stamp off of your forehead and replace it with a more perceptible sign. Ignore your colleagues more blatantly. Flip your desk upside down, toss some lighter fluid atop of it and set it ablaze. It’s time to say to your slacking associates, 
“Eff you bastards! I hate my job and it’s time I start living for me!” Just make sure you have another job lined up because after you’ve declared your hatred for your only source of income, you’ll be booted out of the building faster than a rocket scientist can press a button on an ejection seat. P.S., prostitution, stripping or male escorting should not be considered as part of your backup plan because even those fields come with a price.
Ladies and Gentlemen: 
anyone else thinks and f*ck what they say, because ultimately, where you are concerned, YOU have the last word [unless you’re arguing with a police officer; then you’d just better shut up and do what they say or run like the wind and hope like hell that the high speed chase doesn’t end up on the 6:00 news]. But let’s not plant any unnecessary thoughts in your head. 
“Doing you” simply means living the life you deem fit for yourself. It’s not about approval, consent, agreement, concurrence, endorsement or any other form of validation from anyone else. No one else’s opinion should matter if you’re strong and secure in your own choices. Everyone and everything else becomes secondary. Until you learn that unspeakable truth for yourself, you’re going to spend the rest of your life being done by other people in a hole that’s only meant for exit, and without the use of any vaseline. 
People may offer you suggestions but they’re only offering you suggestions based on the choices they’d make for themselves. You are not like anyone else. In fact, no two people are exactly the same. We are all unique. We are unique in the way we look, dress, speak, walk, even smell. Don’t even get me started on the stench of some people’s bullsh*t. That’s a whole nother blog post. 
Life is about the choices you make. It’s about the dark alleys you decide to hang out in and the low-lives you choose to accompany. You are beyond the years of living for anyone else – unless you work for P. Diddy. Then this message doesn’t apply to you. 
Home of Ask Hottywood 
