Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 10-16, 2016

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Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The only use you will provide this week will be to keep a coffee table from wobbling.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Sometimes it’s necessary to be wrong for all the right reasons, even if punching is involved.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Belching seems to be the only time you make sense.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

On Thursday, your hair will thin until there’s nothing left but a bald spot in the shape of Elvis Presley that’s only noticeable when you stand at the bottom of a staircase some time on Friday in the middle of the night.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You may be surprised to realize the best literature is the stuff you read on bathroom walls.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Someone’s intentions will smell like sweaty gym socks . . . or you may just need to wash your feet.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If your toe knuckles are shedding, something is not right.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

If you like camel humps, then this is the week for you. Your soda will be extra fizzy and your French fries will stay hotter longer. 17 is your lucky number except on those days ending in the letter “y.”


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Do not budge until the reaction from Taco Bell’s classic taco tells you otherwise.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Slow down and rest before the bags under your eyes are accidentally mistaken for oddly placed breasts.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Every day you don’t run over a pedestrian, you’re saving someone’s life. Be a hero every day. Don’t run over pedestrians on Mondays.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If you don’t know then nobody knows, but everyone knows you know. All I know is that if you don’t know (and I know you know), you know you ought to be ashamed of yourself.


Quote of the week:  “Don’t be the same old you someone remembers. Be better . . . or at least dress like it.”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 8-14, 2016

pancake-o

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


This week’s HORRORscope is for all of the zodiac signs. 

“Your nipples will expand to the size of

flap-jacks.” 


Quote of the week:  “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”


Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 1-7, 2016

magic orange

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

P.M. is the best time for plastic surgery; A.M. is a good time to buy breath mints wholesale.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You will benefit from a stroke of good fortune. It probably won’t happen until four tax seasons from now, though.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are coming to the end of a highly creative period. That’s what happens when the effects of alcohol wears off.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

You may find that you’ll get better results of obtaining the things you want if you flash your boobs. But understand that flashing may get your ass locked up. Then you’ll be flashing more than you bargained for with your new cellmate.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You are able to climb higher than you ever anticipated. Never cutting your toenails finally pays off.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Tomorrow during A.M or P.M. rush hour, you will be sandwiched between a man that smells of bad body odor and a wino that smells of old beer. That will give you an indication of how the rest of your week will go. It stinks to be you. No pun intended…well, sorta.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your idea that you are attractive to the opposite sex is rooted in your vivid imagination. The rest of us laugh a lot about that.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

In your next life, you may marry a pro-Frisbee champion.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Your garage is a shrine to your half-assedness.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Tomorrow afternoon check career opportunities at McDonald’s.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You have no special skills not involving a broom. However,  you are clean every Wednesday.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

All your friends pretend not to notice your lack of intelligence – at least to your face.


Quote of the week:  “Co-workers often mimic your poor posture.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 17-23, 2016

Bad Day

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Working from 8 to 5 and playing from 7 to 4 leaves you with just enough time to fill those bags under your eyes.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you’re lucky, you may see Elvis Presley buying a pack of C batteries at a 24 hour Walgreen’s.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

If you eat a cookie made from the fart of a cat some time today, you will meet your spiritual animal on the eve of next Thursday, after an episode of the Golden Girls.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Nothing says revenge like 50,000 rotten eggs and a chainsaw.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your butt is getting so big that soon you’ll be entering a room doggy-style.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

If Scope fails, gargle with cologne.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A childhood memory reminds you that you are deathly afraid of grown men dressed as hot dogs.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

You’re eager to show someone the ropes. And by “ropes,” I mean your private parts.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Most people are younger and better looking in the dark.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Someone loves you very much. They only know how to express that love through anger, shaving and criticism.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Even the strongest faucet leaks a few drops.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

By the end of the day, your lucky bacon-themed socks’ luck will run out when they begin to smell more like corn chips than bacon.


Quote of the week:  “The biggest lie you can tell yourself is that you don’t need to write that down.”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 13-19, 2016

Beer in Future

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Remove the “L” from Lover and there you have it; OVER.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Be careful. Right now you may be able to buy anything you want, but one day you may have to beg for something you need.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

If they don’t love you when the wrinkles in your skin look like a road map, tell ’em to hit the road.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Sex is fine (well maybe great). Gold is finer (platinum is better). But pizza is irreplaceable!


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Wrong questions get wrong answers.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

It’s going to feel like a water balloon popped between your legs. What you do with this information is between you and God.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A deaf husband and a blind wife a happy couple does make, until someone needs the remote control.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Slow down and rest before the bags under your eyes are mistaken for oddly placed breasts, which, if you’re man, may looker weirder than it sounds.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Nothing brings two people together like potato chips.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Masturbation keeps you from ****ing the wrong people.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You will be attacked by three baby midget sumo wrestlers on the night of the third Friday before a highly anticipated corn harvest festival.


Quote of the week:  “Thanks to Facebook, you now know what everyone’s bathroom looks like.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 7-13, 2016

flying cat

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

There is a difference between butterflies and bubble guts.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A gentleman’s name should only appear in a newspaper three times: (1) When he’s born; (2) When he’s married and; (3) When he dies.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

People come and go, but carryout wings are forever.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your idea of fine foods may involve some form of hot dogs.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Never let the one you love go away without saying something nice about their nipple pasties.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Your blatant dishonesty may cause some problems some time around high noon.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Sadly, this week you have no special skills not involving a broomstick and a cauldron.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

Your shoes will smell like they were born on your feet.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You will become repulsive the older you grow and the bags under your eyes will look bleak. But you’ll save 50 bucks on your car insurance.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

It may be time to give up on your fantasy of meeting Rush Limbaugh in person.


 

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Tomorrow evening, check career opportunities at McDonald’s.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your closest friends enjoy having parties that are kept secret from you and your co-workers often mimic your poor posture. Today is a good day to spiral curl your pubic hair.


Quote of the week:  “From bad customs good proverbs are born.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 17-23, 2016

SOUL

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Always trust anyone that you meet at the local MVA who dons faux hazel eyes. They don’t care if anyone knows their eyes are fake. They have nothing to hide.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Someone with a lot of teeth and polyester will change your lunch break forever.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Don’t buy a goldfish. Or have pets. Or babysit your neighbor’s children. You can barely keep a rock garden alive.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

The best place you’ll ever find yourself in life is second in line at the liquor store. Your standards are measured by the size of a brown paper bag.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You don’t need a very long spoon to dine with the devil.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The next time you miss your aim inside a port-a-potty will be the next time the world may actually come to an end.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Lure the wolf with a hen.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

Remember; “Your abs are made in the kitchen.” 


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If you can live through humiliating yourself in front of Chinese people, you can live through anything.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

If you ever get upset, just pee into a random person’s Range Rover. It’ll make you feel better in no time.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You have two right decisions to make and both of them will be wrong.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You know more of what you don’t want than that of what you do. Beware. That may be your undoing.


Story of the week: BANK ROBBER CAUGHT AFTER STOPPING FOR CHICKEN AND BISCUITS 2 BLOCKS FROM HEIST

Moral of the story: Don’t stop for chicken after robbing a bank.

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