Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
December 22 – January 19
The only use you will provide this week will be to keep a coffee table from wobbling.
January 20 – February 18
Sometimes it’s necessary to be wrong for all the right reasons, even if punching is involved.
February 19 – March 20
Belching seems to be the only time you make sense.
March 21 – April 19
On Thursday, your hair will thin until there’s nothing left but a bald spot in the shape of Elvis Presley that’s only noticeable when you stand at the bottom of a staircase some time on Friday in the middle of the night.
April 20 – May 20
You may be surprised to realize the best literature is the stuff you read on bathroom walls.
May 21 – June 20
Someone’s intentions will smell like sweaty gym socks . . . or you may just need to wash your feet.
June 21 – July 22
If your toe knuckles are shedding, something is not right.
July 23 – August 22
If you like camel humps, then this is the week for you. Your soda will be extra fizzy and your French fries will stay hotter longer. 17 is your lucky number except on those days ending in the letter “y.”
August 23 – September 22
Do not budge until the reaction from Taco Bell’s classic taco tells you otherwise.
September 23 – October 22
Slow down and rest before the bags under your eyes are accidentally mistaken for oddly placed breasts.
October 23 – November 21
Every day you don’t run over a pedestrian, you’re saving someone’s life. Be a hero every day. Don’t run over pedestrians on Mondays.
November 22 – December 21
If you don’t know then nobody knows, but everyone knows you know. All I know is that if you don’t know (and I know you know), you know you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Quote of the week: “Don’t be the same old you someone remembers. Be better . . . or at least dress like it.”