Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 25 – May 1, 2010

If all your shower water suddenly turned cold and the toilet bowl steamed up with the smelliness of your McDonald’s waste, it could prove to be a bad week.  But why second guess your bad luck when you can get the real answers from someone who knows best? 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Your prejudices may lead you astray today and leave you requiring four or five stitches.  The bright side is that is the bright side. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If people keep telling you that you remind them of a skanky blond haired smurf who wears white pumps after Labor Day, then Houston, you have a problem. More so if you’re a boy.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Terrible consequences may occur if you are hit by a vehicle driven by a penguin wearing smelly gym socks and a smoking a Newport cigarette.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You may be serenaded with a romantic ballad on your birthday that goes a little something like this: “You remind me of jeep…”  Either you’re one ugly mofo or it’s time to go on a diet. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will discover that the person you trust most is on lock down in a cell block that begins with the first four letters of the alphabet.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

It’s time to re-evaluate yourself if the person on the other side of the mirror wants nothing to do with you. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Reach out to someone you’d normally never say “hello” to.  Be sure to have a gas mask and a baseball bat handy.  Their breath will remind you why you’re always so blatantly shady. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Going commando is your contribution to giving back to society.  Turning tricks is the new “community service.” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You are in for a lot of attention today and it has nothing to do with that questionable brown streak on the back of your pants. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Flash your church minister for an unexpected blessing in the form of a restraining order and a round trip ticket to hell. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You may start off your day feeling as if no one gets you.  Find solace in knowing that your day will end the same way. There’s no point in trying if you’re going to get the same end result. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

It’s a good time for you to hang out with a crowd of friends.  If you don’t have any, go to the supermarket and squeeze a few melons…or breasts.   

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Quote of the Week:     “You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.”

The Morning After

The weekend is quickly approaching and somewhere in the world is a young skank kicking him/herself for sucking on one too many vodka-sickles and waking up to some disappointing one night stand. It’s not uncommon. In fact, it’s quite something to be proud of just as long as the high volume of alcohol continues to saturate the blood stream. It isn’t until the morning after, that those very same skanks would much rather blow their brains out with a popcorn kernel BB gun for laying up with the joker who otherwise wouldn’t stand a chance in hell with anyone hopeless, desperate or breathing. Alas, it’s amazing what an abnormal amount of alcohol consumption can do to one’s judgment and yearning loins.

Once you’ve managed to escape from the stained bed sheets of your last night’s shame, it’s hard to determine if that pit in your stomach is nothing but a hangover waiting to happen or the image of what your drunk ass was too wasted to notice before you lined the lamp shade with your underwear. Shame on the lush! Not for getting laid by a perfect stranger. That’s normal. Shame on you for not pulling out the emergency “Yuck Face” kit before giving up the goods. Your disgraceful inebriation turned out to be someone else’s 10-point score card. You were the victim they prayed for and no matter how many times you vomit or scrub your sin-contaminated skin, the scent of indignity will linger on you like pollen in the Spring time. As you drop to your knees and beg the high heavens for forgiveness, be sure to pray that your sinuses are the only thing that flares up.

You may travel through the day with images of wild positions your nameless lover placed you in or hear the engraved outlandish, embarrassing and insulting names you may have demanded to be called.  You may blame it on the alcohol, like Jamie Foxx and T-Pain.  You may even blame it on the dry spell of not having any mortal flesh between your legs in the past 3-7 months.  Whatever your reason, no amount of excuses can cleanse the disgust of your level of desperation to bed the first person who was smart enough to catch you at your drunkest state.  You will forever be a trophy on the mantle piece of the ugly, the defamed, and some would even argue – the damn right lucky!    

How do you feel about yourself now???

Don’t be so hard on yourself.  Although ½ the world would probably point its fingers and laugh for the dumb choice you let that empty bottle of booze make for you, you should feel proud that you were able to spread your good cheer like a spoonful of heated margarine, despite the fact that you may want to bungee jump off a short cliff with no rope.  You have done a good deed for someone who otherwise may not have stood a chance for companionship if he or she were standing in the middle of a puppy adoption fair.  Your combined skills of being a ho and a lush has provided someone the opportunity to kiss and tell to all their loser-like friends about just how easy you are.   And just think – all it took was 90% of effort and a bottle of 80 proof liquor. 

Now that’s how you serve your country. 

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Quote of the week:    “If you don’t drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, “And then I got home.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Feb. 14-20, 2010

Some people believe that bad luck doesn’t exist.  Whether you’re one of those people or not, the thought has crossed your mind.  You’re only human.  Live a little.  Why not take a shot in the dark and try to avoid those little unseen land mines? 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If both of your personalities are getting on your nerves, that should tell you something. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Manipulation is your best weapon.  Remember that when rent is due.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Think of 5 things that you would change about yourself.  Now think about all the people who would agree.  o_O

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You don’t want anyone who doesn’t want you. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your neighbors’ constant loud partying at night is only bothering you because it’s not your neighbors at all — it’s the voices in your head. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

What you’ve been told all your life is a lie.  Breakfast is not the most important meal of the day.  Booze is.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You know all that snickering you thought was going on behind your back?  It wasn’t your imagination.  Sticks and stones my ass.  Payback, bitch!

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

If you didn’t have a Valentine’s Day date, wait until you see how Christmas turns out.  If you did have a date, that was your Christmas. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Just because you think you sound good singing in the shower doesn’t mean you sound good to anyone else.  Don’t quit your day job. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If your breath smells like you’ve been eating onion pizzas, something’s wrong. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Being called “Smutface” is not a compliment.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Relax.  Nothing bad is going to happen to you today.  Tomorrow, on the other hand, is up in the air. 

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 Quote of the Week:   “Blinking excessively is not sexy.  It’s weird.”