Lunchtime Confessions: Don’t F*ck w/ Man After He’s Eaten

Contrary to popular belief, anyone or anything that stumbles across a hungry man’s path 20 minutes before and up to 45 minutes after the high noon lunch hour better be well-clad in metal armor and armed with a can of air freshener because stepping into that kind of line of fire [while someone is hungry or full] is a sure way to get the sh*t beaten out of you. 

A long time ago, a caveman came up with this rule while he was sh*tting in the bushes moments after ingesting a baby dinosaur leg.  Sadly, the caveman was attacked by the mother dinosaur, which followed his scent back to his camp after she couldn’t find her young.  What the mother dinosaur didn’t know was that it is never wise to mess with a man after he’s eaten.  Because every man would prefer at least 30 minutes of self time for his food to digest and his gas to pass, f*cking with him before his stomach settles is one bad idea — even for a dinosaur.  The ass kicking of the mother dinosaur led to two things:

  1. The extinction of dinosaurs, and
  2. The rule that no one should mess with a man after his greedy ass has finished eating.

For this rule to have existed since the dawn of time, you would think that in this modern age, stupid ass office employees and nagging wives would’ve learned to keep their damn mouths closed during a very memorable pre and post experience of the stuffing of the face.  Alas, they have not. 

Work and home are two of the most common places where someone has received a horrible beat down because people have chosen to violate man’s only chance of peaceful, self-deserved alone-time.  So many of these violent acts caused man — and congress — to insist that the average man spend his post-eating quality time in a restroom facility, closed off from the rest of the unappreciative world.  There has not been, unfortunately, a time set aside for all the greedy bastards who have yet to embark on a pre-eating stage of hungrism.  Because of the lack of commitment in protecting our citizens from such a brutal warning of no measure, it’s just advised to keep your damn distance until you’ve heard a belch or smelled a fart for yourself. 

Many citizens of the great working world have all agreed that there are key phrases to let a person know when the window of opportunity is temporarily nailed shut for any approach of annoyance or plain old bullsh*t.  Such phrases are listed below:

  • F*ck off.
  • Get the f*ck out of here.
  • Go f*ck yourself.
  • I don’t care. 
  • Who gives a sh*t? 
  • If you value your life, then go away. 
  • Now’s not a good time and never isn’t looking so good. 

These are just a few warnings to let a person know when now’s not a good time. 

It doesn’t take that much exertion to avoid getting your face smashed.  Just keep your pestering ass away from all people whose stomachs growl louder than their raspy voices or whose butt stench smells like cheese and dill pickles.  Once you’ve mastered the art of knowing when to stay the hell away from people, you’ve mastered a very useful skill.  All it takes is a little effort.  And 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 14-20, 2010

When you’re in doubt about what tomorrow holds for you, there’s only one person to turn to – HOTTYWOOD!  He can tell you if you need to avoid potholes, rugrats and three-way phone calls. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

All bullsh*t smells the same, no matter what asshole produces it.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Intimate moments will be awkward because everyone you touch will feel like raw ground beef.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Losing is the new winning.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

No one’s accepting your dinner invitations because nobody likes eating off plates guarded by roaches.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

No one cares about you except the person watching you from the other side of the mirror and even they’re on the fence about you.  ___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Despite what your mother may have told you, being kind to people only gets you but so far unless you’re just plain ugly.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The good news is you’re not as stupid as you look…

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Having your picture compared to a wildlife wonder on National Geographic is not a compliment unless a lot of alcohol is involved. Then it’s just freaky. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If the only thing you sweat is white liquor, there’s no wonder everyone keeps staring at you.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Your next date night will be a disaster because the stench of your body will wilt the salad.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Showing you chest hair is not going to get you a promotion, especially if you’re a hairy ass woman.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

One of your personality’s armpits will smell like goat cheese and Funyons and will probably cock block your next booty call.

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Quote of the Week:    “A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.”