I’d Love to Stay and Chat But I’d Rather Choke On My Own Fist

Let’s talk about annoying people who won’t realize enough is enough.  People who use every excuse in the book to hold on to nothing and then harp about it to anyone who’ll listen. 

People who fall into the category of:

  • folks who worry about their relationships falling apart;
  • folks who blow their money on frivolous things and ironically never have the money to pay back that they owe you; or
  • folks who are unhappy with their jobs but are too lazy or complacent to look for a new one.   

It’s not the issues that make the pills hard to swallow.  It’s the complaining.  We’re all guilty of bearing the harsh reality of life.  Generally the first instinct in any person’s mind when facing a dilemma, is usually the decision that person will act on, but only after he/she has exploited all of their personal problems to any and every listening ear.  These people are blinded by their own veil of self pity, self doubt, and self absorption.  

This just in: “NO ONE CARES!” 

Sit your ass down and drink a large cup of ‘get over yourself.’  You are not the only person with problems.  And just because you think your world is crashing down before your eyes, does not mean that everyone you tell will protect you from the falling sky.  In fact, you’re doing more damage to yourself than good by whining like a little sissy over the spilled milk on your side of the table.  Your bitching and moaning is sending all of your potential help running for the hills with their hands waving in the air. 

Your excessive “what ifs” and “what should I dos” are nothing more than cries for attention since you’re not getting that attention from the object of your affection.  What you are doing is making everyone around you suffer because someone was smart enough to tell your dumb ass to shut the hell up and take that droning someplace else.   In actuality, most people would rather choke on their own fist than to listen to you go on and on about a situation that has absolutely nothing to do with them, or a situation you can control or avoid. 

There are words for people like you: DRAMA QUEEN!   

Someone with a demanding or overbearing personality who tends to overreact to seemingly minor incidents.  Psychologists might describe a drama queen [or king, used less frequently] as a neurotic personality with histrionic tendencies, meaning they tend to become needlessly dramatic whenever order is disrupted.  Bottom line: a center stage hog; a spotlight thief; or someone desperately in need of attention.   In other words, A BIG ASS CRY BABY!    

If you are unfortunate enough to be sucked into a void of useless whimpering from an attention deprived stick in the mud, there are a few easy ways to get them to take a hike: 

  1. Ensure them that they are worth less than they are giving themselves credit for.  Stomp on their sense of pride and give them loads of false hope. 
  2. Stick your fingers in your ears and laugh uncontrollably every time you see them heading your way.  
  3. Set boundaries.  The real kind – using large sandbags and electrical fences.   
  4. Tell them it’s all their fault.  Blame the world’s problems on them: America’s budget problems; the trouble over in Haiti; Jessica Simpson’s stalled career.  Nobody’s fault but the person whose getting on your mutha-effin’ nerves. 

If you happen to be one of those annoying people who feel it best to dump all of your depressing problems on to the next one, then do yourself a favor and take a long trip.  A permanent one would be nice, but probably too much to ask for — that is unless the trip you’ve chosen to take is a Carribean cruise.  In that case, to take your mind off all of your current problems, pretend that the cruise ship is the Titanic.  And don’t stop pretending until you’ve played out the most dramatic scene – THE END

So let’s recap here:  Stop dumping your issues on other people.  Why?  Because no one gives a sh*t.   You’re the only person who has the power to change your situation.  All it takes is a little effort.  And 90% of any effort is getting started

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Quote of the week:   “The life we lead must be worth living.” 

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Jan. 17-23, 2010

If you would’ve come to Hottywood first for the answers, you could’ve avoided that boisterous ass eruption during dinner with your honey’s folks.  Never fear.  I can see in my crystal ball that your week will be a little better than last week’s fiasco.  But I wouldn’t do any cartwheels if I were you.  It won’t be better by much. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

No matter how hard you try, you will not be able to get rid of the ring around your bath tub.  This is a good week for shopping as all of your clothes probably have the residue of yesterday’s scent. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You will have tourette syndrome of dandruff scratching.  This is the perfect time to pamper yourself because no one else will want to be near you. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Listen to your nipples’ warning.  They will itch intensely each time someone lies to you. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Your personality is more fake than Pamela Anderson’s boobs. People will like you for who you are once you stop pretending to be someone you’re not. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will miss all of your most important phone calls because you won’t be able to get your sh*tty ass off the porcelain pot. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The most thought-provoking piece of literature you’ll read this week will be The National Inquirer…and even still, that’ll only be for the pictures.  Dumbass.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

This is an off week.  Stay away from hookers and 5 o’clock shadows. …and if you happen to be a hooker with a 5 o’clock shadow, you’re in a world of trouble.  Especially if you’re a woman with a beard thicker than your pimp’s. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Sit your ass down and stop stealing the spotlight.  You’re doing way too much and no one cares.  Go hibernate in a cave like a bear.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

All of your fried chicken will taste like captain crunch cereal and spoiled milk.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Being two-faced won’t keep your ass from getting kicked.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Do the world a favor and shut the hell up. There are more people not interested in what you have to say than you think.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Someone’s watching you, but don’t get too excited.  They only notice you when you make an ass of yourself. 

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Quote of the Week:   “Santa Claus is on to something: visit people only once a year.”