Don’t be Emma

It’s Monday;  11:15am to be exact. You’re in your 3rd meeting of the day; the coffee pot is near empty, and Emma is being extra. Emma may unknowingly have Elmer’s glue in her swivel chair when she gets back to her desk from your meeting. Emma was [overly] enthusiastic about the morning. Now Emma will be embarrassed for the rest of the day. Emma may never live this down.

Don’t be Emma.


“Laugh now and get it over with.” 

-Hottywood Helps

Advertisements

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 30-November 5, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You have more nerves than Idaho has potatoes, still someone will find your last one and get on it.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your ego wouldn’t be so big if you wore your credit score on your sleeve.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The language of love begins and ends with the word, “bitch.” Use it with well intent and at your own risk.

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

This pay period, the amount of dollars in your checking account will be the same as your shoe size.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The first punch doesn’t have to be the last lick.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Beware of a ham dressed in turkey’s clothes.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

To feel your best, spend more time today telling other people what to do.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

There’s no better day than today to try a bacon-wrapped chocolate donut.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A drunk wino with skin of wrinkled leather will flash you at the bus stop. Oddly, you may enjoy it.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today you are overly cheerful and peppy. You are the morning person someone wants to pour hot coffee all over. Watch your back.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone new is going to steal your thunder. Bribe everyone you know to stay on your side.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Luck would have you to get stuck in an elevator with the president, vice president and secretary of the Deodorant is for Wimps Foundation.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:    “’Give a man a match and he’ll be warm for a minute. Set him on fire and he’ll probably burn to death.’ This proverb is perhaps the exception to the rule that beggars can’t be choosers.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 23-29, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The definition of a good psychiatrist is a bartender that pours without a spout.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Something special will happen in the next 48 hours if you go to the nearest Dunkin Donuts and lick all the sugar off the powdered donuts.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are going to regret burning a bridge when your ass is being chased by a pack of dogs.

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your next secret admirer will be an ex-con who went to jail for burning down a diner in Arkansas because his eggs were too runny.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Be careful of the ditch you dig for someone else. That very ditch may have your name written all over it.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Instead of finding a $1 bill on the ground, good luck will have you find a small bottle of butt spray. What you do with it is up to you.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

An absent minded man should keep a hanger in the back seat just in case he locks his keys in the car.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

For the next 12 hours spell everything you have to say letter by letter.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It doesn’t make sense to bring sand to the beach.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Start each conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be the last time, I dunno.”

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

That little guy that turns your refrigerator light on and off is about to quit.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

What’s the difference between a cheapskate and you?  One of you eats Cornflakes with a fork.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “When listing the toppings you want on your next pizza, include another pizza.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 16-22, 2011

Some people have problems they never address and are just as screwed up as everyone else.  Luckily for them I take time to invest real talk for real people. 

~ Love, Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The problem is wherever you go, there you are. Sometimes you need to get away from yourself.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Just because you’re in the house doesn’t mean you’re home.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The older you get, the better you get…unless you’re a banana.

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

The greatest room in the world is the room for improvement.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You know it’s been a long night when the bags under your eyes hang low enough for your entire head to fall in. 

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Hell is full of people with good intentions.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

On any morning that ends in the letter “y,” the only thing that stands between you and a federal charge is a cup of coffee.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

A stopped clock is right twice a day.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If someone had to describe you in five words or less, those words would be, “The sheep that cried wolf.”

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you’ve made it again.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If looks could kill…well, never mind. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.”

This Week’s Top Three Pet Peeves That Really Pisses People Off

Kats & Kittens, it’s time for a review of this week’s top three pet peeves.  

Over the course of the last few months, we’ve discussed everything from bad fashions to people that frustratingly monopolizes conversations with uninteresting chatter.  Today we will pin-point three of the most annoying crap on the face of the planet (this week).  In all honesty, there’s so many things that people do to annoy the hell of their neighbor that it’s kind of hard to narrow down the list to only three.  But if there’s anything that I’m not, it’s a quitter!  So sit back, grab a fattening soft drink and see if you agree with this week’s top three most annoying annoyances.  

Cheap people… 

The list begins with all those cheap asses who insist on putting a price tag on absolutely any and everything.  The first question that immediately comes to mind when running into these cheapskates is, “What the hell?”  Obviously, no one ever bothered to warn these folks that cheap people don’t get invited to parties, mainly because whoever invites them knows they are going to show up empty-handed and will most likely, no doubt, leave with a doggy bag.  They don’t have very many friends because everyone knows a cheap person is too tight on a dollar, so hanging out will likely be reduced to free fun, like the zoo, which of course is the last place a person wants to go when it’s five degrees outside or raining hard enough to mimic a baby tsunami.  The same theory applies to the dating game.  A cheap person will take you to the lowest starred restaurant on the map, or will buy you the most useless and inexpensive presents during the holidays or any other special occasion if, of course, they muster up enough change to buy you anything at all.  

“A house of delusion is cheap to build but drafty to live in.”

______________________________________________________

 Rude drivers… 

Pulling up the rear to cheap-ass people are drivers that have no consideration for other drivers…and no, we aren’t referring specifically to cab drivers.  Though they are probably THE worst drivers in the world (next to Washington DC subway train conductors), everyone expects them to be lousy drivers.  Instead we are talking about folks who aren’t exactly smart enough to be paid for their bad driving.  For example, aggressive drivers who cross lanes without using a turn signal; or drivers who refuse to let you cross lanes even though your turn signal has been on since you started your car in your home drive-way; or drivers that drive about 90mph just before coming to a sudden stop for a speed bump; or drivers that pick their nose while looking inside their nostrils in the rear-view mirror instead of focusing on the family of ducks crossing the street; or drivers who drive slower than my Aunt Edna’s bowel movements; or drivers that practice profane road rage just before Sunday worship service; or drivers that blast their music so loud they can’t hear the horns blowing behind them or the people screaming for their lives in front of them; or new drivers; or even worse – old drivers.  You all drive me crazy!    

“Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.” 

______________________________________________________

 People that live in the past…

Rounding out the list of this week’s top three pet peeves are people that live in the past.  I’m talking about people that have lusted after, fantasized about, pined over, stalked, and/or harped about the person you were years prior to the person you are today.  People that are in love with a memory of someone they once knew versus falling in love with the new person you have become.  Those people that want you to entertain their life long fantasies about what could have been or what once was instead of the reality of what is now.  Those folks must have left their brains in the past if they think that nothing has changed since the passing of about a hundred million full moons.  

Now that I think about it though, I guess it wouldn’t be fair to limit this peeve to only those folks who are hallucinogenic about their feelings and emotions.  We could, should and will apply this one to those persons who refuse to let go of past grudges about some off the wall, unimportant crap that nobody no longer cares about.  

“There’s no future in living in the past.” 

 

 

 

 

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 9-14, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Grape soda is not considered a sexy body fragrance. It should be, but sadly it’s not.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You are multi-talented enough to talk and piss people off at the same time.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Are you good looking from afar or far from good looking?

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your handle on life is like the handle of a cheap handbag.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You don’t lack in the power of speech. You lack in the power of conversation.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way. Wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You won’t find a man alive who has ever complained about a faulty parachute.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

There are three people that live in this world: People who make things happen, people who watch things happen and people who ask what happened.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

“Always” and “never” are two words you should always remember never to use.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A sharp tongue can kill without a knife.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “It takes one day to destroy that which took one hundred years to build.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 25-October 1, 2011

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

There’s nothing better or worse than getting what you asked for.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Don’t be surprised to discover that a list full of rules that don’t apply to you doesn’t exist.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

All that self-promotion you’re doing will be seen as false advertisement if you’re not careful.

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

If you can answer the question of what a crazy person, an empty stomach, and an unpaid electric bill all have in common, a three-legged puppy will be born with four legs and ½ a nose.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You have six months to mind your own business and six months to stop minding everyone else’s. You do the math.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You have not lived unless you’ve almost died inside a room full of people who decide to release farts that explode like balloons full of meat all at the same time.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

For the next 72 hours you are challenged to be the person you pretend to be on Facebook and Twitter.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Today you need to go far, far away. That is all.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If ever there were a time for your phone to turn into a skateboard, it would be today.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

In your next life, you will return as an encyclopedia salesman located somewhere deep in a small Bolivian village, cursed with the taste of stale bread on your tongue.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Today’s a good of a day as any to expose yourself in public.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If all of your exes are trying to get back with you all of a sudden, don’t get your hopes up. It’s just a confirmation that summer’s over.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “You can lead a fool to wisdom, but you can’t make him think.”