Remember Your First Heart-Felt “F*ck You!”?

Not all memories of your past are good ones.  Sure, there are some.  The first time you got laid, the first time you ate popcorn and potato chips at the same time, even your first solo in the shower.  But it’s those bad memories that stick out like sore thumbs.  For example – the first time you got laid, the first person to ever break your heart or your first solo OUT of the shower.  Though many people sit and reminisce on the days of yesteryear, you, along with about a kabillion other people sit and reminisce on that one person who led you on, only to step on your heart like a roach invading a home in the projects. 

Granted, you may find yourself asking yourself the question, “What the hell was I thinking?” at times, but those memories aren’t all a bag of crap – at least they shouldn’t be.  You’d be insensitive or inhuman if they were.  Maybe even a moron for dealing with such harshness of a shattered love, at least in the concept of what you thought love should be.  In some ways, you kind of owe your “first” a word of thanks.  Not in the sense of thanking them with a bouquet of roses, unless those roses are dead and wilted.  But thanking them for allowing you the opportunity to learn that you are so much better a person without them.  After all, how would you know how to deal with a broken heart if it wasn’t for that person, who lied to you, cheated on you and made you more of a less-wanted option as opposed to a can’t-do-without necessity?  Just think, there’s so many other reasons you can give thanks to that individual who never really gave a sh*t about you in private, only in public when it really mattered, when their set of friends looked on to your scripted relationship with envy.  You should stand proudly and hold your head up high as you thank the motherf*cker for:  

  • ruining someone else’s false hopes of living and loving happily ever after,
  • assisting you in losing weight after all those lonely nights of warm tears and loss of appetite, 
  • for no longer making you feel like an unwanted fool for forgetting special days like your birthday, Christmas and Valentine’s Day,
  • for no longer using you as a guinea pig for a love affair they prayed to have sans YOU,
  • for blaming you for a mistake they made, and
  • last but not least, for teaching you how to say and mean the most profound words of our country’s history, “F*ck you!”

You’d be just as much of a liar as they were if you admitted out loud that you no longer harbored any positive or negative thoughts to the tainted past. No one ever moves on completely…not when their “first” is concerned.  It’s just easier to hold on to all the profane thoughts of a “plastic” relationship than it is to admit you were a fool for love at all.  The truth is you’re going to be a fool for love many times over, even if you’re lucky enough to find your soul mate. 

Finding that one true love isn’t a matter of effort, it’s a matter of two things: (1) time and (2) patience.  Two things most people believe they don’t have a lot of.    

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Quote of the week:    “The stupidest mistake in life is thinking the one who hurt you the most, won’t hurt you again.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Feb. 21-27, 2010

Tomorrow’s negative energy can be avoided if you use a little duck tape and a pack of Bubblicious gum!  To avoid life’s deep potholes and puppy poops, get the answers today for tomorrow’s questions.   

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Trick-or-Treating on Halloween night is the only time begging is allowed. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to look like an ass when you get caught doing the dumb sh*t you thought you got away with.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

When a situation becomes too sticky, rub up against everything like a cat.  –Works every time. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you still have aluminum foil on your TV antenna, you deserve not to have any friends. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

If you know you’re a lazy-ass when it comes to waking up in the morning, grease your body with motor oil before going to bed. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You’re going to owe someone a big favor for keeping a secret you weren’t smart enough to keep yourself. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Having a ‘Plan B’ is not necessary if you have a big voice and an even bigger stun gun. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Drinking kool-aid from a champagne glass does not make you classy. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If you find a strange sense of fulfillment watching the laundry dryer spin, it may be time to re-evaluate some things. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You’re going to have good luck every day. 

…except on any day that has 2 syllables in it. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You are going to enter a room every time someone ironically says, “…oh sh*t.” 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Receiving death threats in the mail is just karma’s funny little way of saying, “hello.” 

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Quote of the Week:    “Save your pennies like you save your life or save your life like you save your pennies.”